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Original poster

Prenup - would you sign?

167 replies

weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 10:55

I'm getting married in a few months and am getting increasingly uncomfortable with the idea of a prenup, which I originally agreed to sign. DP and I are both high earners (~£300k between us, i out-earn him by about £20k, had a £50k pay rise recently), but he's coming to the marriage with about £500k in equity (family money). My current savings are around £15k, I'm a single parent and have only started earning well in the last couple of years, plus most of my savings have gone on the wedding.

We've have the drafts of our prenup and it's so horribly sterile,in-depth, and prescriptive. I'm happy to put his family's minds at ease by saying I have no right to the money he's received from them - I have a high moral standard and wouldn't want to have a claim on it in the event of divorce, it's not mine so I would never feel I could go after it - but I understand it makes sense to them to have this legally stated. Fine.

What I hate about this document is that it goes into such granular detail about every single bit of our finances, even allocating ownership of our wedding gifts, and financial support of my DCs (he's not their dad, I would never expect him to financially support them, that's on me).

It feels so cold and inhuman, I really don't want to sign the bloody thing. I feel like the lawyers are wasting so much time with clauses I never agreed to sign on - I don't want to sign anything that isn't to do with the initial capital my DP is bringing into the marriage. The thought of the back and forth to get these legalities sorted before our wedding is really upsetting, at a time we're supposed to be celebrating how in love we are. I don't want his money, I'm just looking forward to spending my life with him!!

What would you do?

OP posts:
Ohwhathaveidonenow · 26/03/2022 11:00

Tell him exactly this.

But shame on his family for (presumably) celebrating your wedding, while trusting you so little and valuing cold hard cash above all else.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 26/03/2022 11:05

Don't sign anything you're not happy with. Not against it in principal, but your lawyer needs to advise you on what is reasonable. And while are all your savings going on the wedding? Presumably because his money is in equity? I think I'd want that reflected in the deal, if it's going into enormous detail. I think it is worth covering details, boring though it is. Voice of bitter experience.

CherryBlossomPink · 26/03/2022 11:05

I didn’t think they were enforceable in the UK so seems a massive waste of money in legal fees to me

HollowTalk · 26/03/2022 11:06

My son recently married a woman from a different country. They married over there. It's normal there, in fact I think it's compulsory, for them to both sign something to say that what they bring into the marriage remains theirs in the case of a split. Anything earned or given throughout the marriage belongs both of them equally.

Gonnagetgoing · 26/03/2022 11:08

Don’t sign.

Also, I worked for a lawyers who did pre nups, they’re not always enforceable.

Original poster
weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 11:09

Thank you @Ohwhathaveidonenow - it's nice to have my feelings validated! We have talked about this (lots of tears) and he's very understanding of the way I feel, to be honest this mostly comes from his dad who is a very matter of fact and pragmatic man, he's worked hard to be successful and I get that he wants to make sure the investment he's given his son is protected. We've only been together 3 years and have not spent huge amounts of time together due to Covid so I also understand they don't know my moral standards, and they probably assume that given a volatile split situation I could turn on my DP.

I just hate that we're so closely examining our future split before we're even married.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 26/03/2022 11:10

@CherryBlossomPink

I didn’t think they were enforceable in the UK so seems a massive waste of money in legal fees to me
@CherryBlossomPink - according to a lawyer friend of mine here they can be enforceable but not always. I never spoke to him much about them.

Whenever we had clients with pre nups of course we did the work but we’d often wonder why they were getting married in the first place.

Original poster
weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 11:13

@CherryBlossomPink they can be enforceable as long as a few terms can be satisfied, one of them being that a party is not being coerced into signing against their will. At my highest point of emotion I have considered sending a date stamped email to myself saying "I DO NOT WANT TO SIGN THIS PRENUP" so I can satisfy what my future FIL wants but secretly rendering it invalid Blush

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 26/03/2022 11:13

I can see why his family want this if you have children. Do you plan on having children with this man?

Original poster
weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 11:14

@HollowTalk

My son recently married a woman from a different country. They married over there. It's normal there, in fact I think it's compulsory, for them to both sign something to say that what they bring into the marriage remains theirs in the case of a split. Anything earned or given throughout the marriage belongs both of them equally.
I have heard this! Is it in France?

I would be happy to sign something as black and white as these terms - pre marriage what's his is his and mine is mine, and post marriage everything is shared, it's the minutia of every single detail that's getting to me.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 26/03/2022 11:14

[quote weddingbelles]@CherryBlossomPink they can be enforceable as long as a few terms can be satisfied, one of them being that a party is not being coerced into signing against their will. At my highest point of emotion I have considered sending a date stamped email to myself saying "I DO NOT WANT TO SIGN THIS PRENUP" so I can satisfy what my future FIL wants but secretly rendering it invalid Blush[/quote]
@weddingbelles - get a lawyer to explain you other pre nup questions sync answers as I’m sure there’s other reasons they’re not enforceable.

Libertaire · 26/03/2022 11:14

No, I would not sign a prenup.

BUT, if I owned substantial assets, I would not marry someone who owned none.

Original poster
weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 11:15

@Gonnagetgoing

I can see why his family want this if you have children. Do you plan on having children with this man?
We do, at which point we'd have to revisit the prenup and alter the terms. Which again feels so cold and against everything we're going into by way of beginning a marriage and partnership
OP posts:
Puppyseahorse · 26/03/2022 11:16

‘I just hate that we're so closely examining our future split before we're even married.’

I understand how you feel, but marriage is the most important contract most people will enter into in their lives. Would you enter into any other financial contract without a frank discussion of what happens if it fails? No one goes into marriage expecting to be part of the 40% where that happens, but that risk still exists, and my (unromantic!) preference is to be practical about that. So, personally I wouldn’t be upset with your partner about this.

If your son was marrying with a meaningful gift from you and your husband… might you feel the same?

Gonnagetgoing · 26/03/2022 11:17

@weddingbelles - again, see a good family divorce lawyer separate to your fiancé and get them to talk you through it. Money worth spent in my opinion.

ralanne · 26/03/2022 11:17

Personally, I would never sign such a thing, as I believe marriage is total union. Part of our promise was "all that I am I give to you, all that I have I share with you" and we entered it with the expectation that it would be for life. I would not marry someone who wanted to draw it up as a business arrangement that was destined to break down.

Original poster
weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 11:17

@Libertaire

No, I would not sign a prenup.

BUT, if I owned substantial assets, I would not marry someone who owned none.

I understand this too. But his assets have all been gifted, and I've slogged hard to get to where I am, and will have a huge earning potential these next 15 years which far outweighs his. Should I reconsider marrying someone whose earning will be so much less than mine? No, because we're madly in love and want to be equal partners - in so many other ways than simply financial
OP posts:
Original poster
weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 11:19

[quote Gonnagetgoing]@weddingbelles - again, see a good family divorce lawyer separate to your fiancé and get them to talk you through it. Money worth spent in my opinion.[/quote]
I have a lawyer, he seems good and has started pushing back on all the terms. But I don't want all these terms, I simply want his family gift ringfenced

OP posts:
WellThisWentWell · 26/03/2022 11:19

I think it’s more than fair.

Also, people before and during/after can be totally different people.
Yes, you may NOW have no intrest in getting your hands in to his money, but who knows what could happen.

Don’t sign if you don’t want to, but it’s just a protection for future.
I wouldn’t look at it as an planning an a divorce.

gogohm · 26/03/2022 11:21

Can you not have a simplified agreement that simply ring fences the savings eg £500k his £15k yours pro rata if there's less than that in assets if you split? Wedding gifts etc are joint assets so should not be subject to a pre nup. On the birth of your first joint child this should become obsolete automatically. It's none of his family's business

Puppyseahorse · 26/03/2022 11:21

‘But I don't want all these terms, I simply want his family gift ringfenced’

I’m not an expect, but I think if this was all it said, it wouldn’t be considered fair. It needs to be reciprocal- his stuff is protected and so is yours.

Lurking9to5 · 26/03/2022 11:24

I think I'd respond by drafting up my own pre-nup that acknowledges that his pre nup leaves you in a weak position if he divorces you.

Ring fencing the 500 but, have your own agreements that he respect your right to 50% of the freedoms. That he acknowledge that you will need support to build your own future, ie, he step up and do 50% of the housework and childcare for any children you have and that he factor you saving for your pension in to the household budget.

Buildingthefuture · 26/03/2022 11:26

I would sign to agree to ring fence the gifted family money. Like you, I wouldn’t dream of taking it anyway, so I’d quite happily sign that bit. Anything else, I would refuse. That is all to do with what happens during your marriage, whilst you are together, making joint decisions. Not his families business. Tell him plainly, you will sign about the family money but nothing else. And if that makes him reconsider his decision to marry you, so be it. At least you would know now what kind of man he is, rather than after the wedding.

Original poster
weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 11:28

@Buildingthefuture

I would sign to agree to ring fence the gifted family money. Like you, I wouldn’t dream of taking it anyway, so I’d quite happily sign that bit. Anything else, I would refuse. That is all to do with what happens during your marriage, whilst you are together, making joint decisions. Not his families business. Tell him plainly, you will sign about the family money but nothing else. And if that makes him reconsider his decision to marry you, so be it. At least you would know now what kind of man he is, rather than after the wedding.
This is EXACTLY what I want to do
OP posts:
Original poster
weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 11:29

@WellThisWentWell

I think it’s more than fair.

Also, people before and during/after can be totally different people.
Yes, you may NOW have no intrest in getting your hands in to his money, but who knows what could happen.

Don’t sign if you don’t want to, but it’s just a protection for future.
I wouldn’t look at it as an planning an a divorce.

I was divorced 15 years ago, I didn't take (or want) a sausage that wasn't mine
OP posts:
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