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Original poster

Prenup - would you sign?

167 replies

weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 10:55

I'm getting married in a few months and am getting increasingly uncomfortable with the idea of a prenup, which I originally agreed to sign. DP and I are both high earners (~£300k between us, i out-earn him by about £20k, had a £50k pay rise recently), but he's coming to the marriage with about £500k in equity (family money). My current savings are around £15k, I'm a single parent and have only started earning well in the last couple of years, plus most of my savings have gone on the wedding.

We've have the drafts of our prenup and it's so horribly sterile,in-depth, and prescriptive. I'm happy to put his family's minds at ease by saying I have no right to the money he's received from them - I have a high moral standard and wouldn't want to have a claim on it in the event of divorce, it's not mine so I would never feel I could go after it - but I understand it makes sense to them to have this legally stated. Fine.

What I hate about this document is that it goes into such granular detail about every single bit of our finances, even allocating ownership of our wedding gifts, and financial support of my DCs (he's not their dad, I would never expect him to financially support them, that's on me).

It feels so cold and inhuman, I really don't want to sign the bloody thing. I feel like the lawyers are wasting so much time with clauses I never agreed to sign on - I don't want to sign anything that isn't to do with the initial capital my DP is bringing into the marriage. The thought of the back and forth to get these legalities sorted before our wedding is really upsetting, at a time we're supposed to be celebrating how in love we are. I don't want his money, I'm just looking forward to spending my life with him!!

What would you do?

OP posts:
godilovelattes · 26/03/2022 11:33

No I wouldn't want one and would feel it invalidated the whole point of marriage TBH.

To me the whole point is to blend your whole lives together, and yes that's a risk but that's part of the point. A giant leap into the unknown together with the best of intentions, till death do you part.

Having said that, I have never been wealthy, and maybe I'd feel differently in other circumstances.

godilovelattes · 26/03/2022 11:34

Honestly I'd stay single and just cohabit as partners in those circumstances.

godilovelattes · 26/03/2022 11:35

(By stay single, I meant, don't marry.)

ZenNudist · 26/03/2022 11:35

I'd just say no no no. If you're not going into this for life I'd pull back now. Like you say there is no financial benefit to you pooling your higher earning potential so he takes advantage of you whilst ring fencing what he brings to the marriage.

Say the unthinkable does happen you will have the life you've built ripped away having shared everything with him.

Or just email people now saying you are being forced into the prenup and you are not happy with the terms but it's either sign or piss off future in law's. Does your lawyer think that once the coercion is out there the prenup is unenforceable anyway? If you've got legal advice that dort of assumes you have gone into it properly.

Why are you not sharing wedding cost equally? Why is it your savings blown?

Dh brought more into our family by way of capital. I've always substantially outearned him, have better pension and have done more on the domestic front, plus had 2 children which has been much harder on me than him. At this point in the marriage I'd be expecting equal split of everything, but not going to ever divorce so it's moot.

ZenNudist · 26/03/2022 11:36

BTW it totally IS planning for a divorce. That is exactly what it is.

Original poster
weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 11:38

@ZenNudist

I'd just say no no no. If you're not going into this for life I'd pull back now. Like you say there is no financial benefit to you pooling your higher earning potential so he takes advantage of you whilst ring fencing what he brings to the marriage.

Say the unthinkable does happen you will have the life you've built ripped away having shared everything with him.

Or just email people now saying you are being forced into the prenup and you are not happy with the terms but it's either sign or piss off future in law's. Does your lawyer think that once the coercion is out there the prenup is unenforceable anyway? If you've got legal advice that dort of assumes you have gone into it properly.

Why are you not sharing wedding cost equally? Why is it your savings blown?

Dh brought more into our family by way of capital. I've always substantially outearned him, have better pension and have done more on the domestic front, plus had 2 children which has been much harder on me than him. At this point in the marriage I'd be expecting equal split of everything, but not going to ever divorce so it's moot.

We've both contributed about the same amount to the wedding, only his contribution has been from the cash he's been gifted from his parents, and mine has been from my savings.

Good advice though, thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 11:42

@godilovelattes

(By stay single, I meant, don't marry.)
I have considered this! But what happens when we have kids? I have no plans to give up my career beyond a 6 month mat leave but we'd love to have a child together and in this situation I'd want to be protected (just not by the terms of a prenup)
OP posts:
Iwonder08 · 26/03/2022 11:43

You are approaching it all wrong and too emotional. Deploying tears is really not the right way. Tell you lawyer what do you want and not want in the prenup and get the legal document the way you want it.

Nightlystroll · 26/03/2022 11:44

I don't think many people go into marriage thinking it's going to fail and so if they ever give thought to 'what if', they think they'd behave honourably and honestly in all circumstances. But people don't because they rarely get an amiable divorce. By the time it comes to separating, it's usually rancorous and cool rationality goes out of the window.

You earn more or less the same but youre bringing the costs of 3 people into the marriage and he's bringing one. How he got the 500,000 is immaterial. And you sound resentful that he has received something that he hasn't worked for. When you started with the prenup you were happy to sign but as time went on you became resentful and now you don't want to sign. Which is exactly what happens in marriage. You start by thinking you'd never take the money, you get resentful over the marriage (doing more domestic duties, affairs etc) so when you divorce, you think you have a right to the money. Hence the pre-nup.

And don't blame his family, this is down to your future husband.

Nightlystroll · 26/03/2022 11:47

And just to add, if I were him, I'd think a prenup a good idea and if the sexes were reversed, I suspect most women would be told on here to protect their assets too.

Pinkbonbon · 26/03/2022 11:48

Why not just day to the lawyers that you agree to not touching the inheritance but that's it. Surely they can do a document regarding that. Not sure it would be a prenup though.

But I would be worried that your partner hadn't taken care of this. Why does he think that its OK to potentially leave you in the shit if things didn't work out? Does he expect you to have more kids? If so you might have to take time off work.

I dunno why you haven't said 'no' to all the other terms to him and both said so to the lawyers. He sounds just as icy as them tbh and it would make me think twice about marrying him.

Ohwhathaveidonenow · 26/03/2022 11:49

Also, his family have either gifted him the money or they haven't. IMO it's somewhat financially abusive to try and control what someone does with money you have given them. If his family don't trust him they shouldn't have given him the money. Where does this end? Even with a prenup, are they going to want to approve what it gets invested in eg a future property purchase? Sounds miserable.

Nelliephant1 · 26/03/2022 11:50

Sign it and move on.

DisforDarkChocolate · 26/03/2022 11:53

In this day and age its not like his assets are even substantial.

It would be a no from me, partly because its allowing his family to interfere in your marriage.

theDudesmummy · 26/03/2022 11:58

I was coerced (by his family) as a young woman, into signing a prenup. This was in another country. When we divorced many years later in the UK he tried to use it to steal my pension. My lawyer told me it was irrelevant and unenforceable.

SantaHat · 26/03/2022 12:01

Everyone else has made all the points I would make, but I really want to echo what Dis just said - its the family interference that bothers me for your long term happiness. It won’t stop with this pre-nup and your partner is clearly very influenced by them. Think carefully if this is what you truly want for your lives together.

Viviennemary · 26/03/2022 12:03

I heard a while back that pre-nups aren't always enforceable under UK law. I wouldn't take it for granted that somebody might not have a change of heart regardless of how sincere they were at the time of the agreement.

LongSummers · 26/03/2022 12:03

They are guidance and not directly enforceable. I wanted my DH to sign one as I had similar assets to your fiancée and I spoke to a lawyer. When I raised it with him, he was totally against the idea and as it was only a matter of weeks before the wedding I didn’t want to get into an argument so I dropped it and we don’t have one. Due to my job I think practically about these matters but it is a very emotive topic. If you are happy to let him keep the 500k family money then what about signing something just saying that. Don’t be too emotive about it - its all too easy to fall into the trap of thinking “they are thinking our marriage will be over before its even begun”.

GreenClock · 26/03/2022 12:03

As someone whose parents were quite controlling and disrespectful of boundaries, I dislike the fact that this is being driven by his parents tbh. Will they expect you to dance to their tune for the rest of their lives? Is this a precedent?

Ellie56 · 26/03/2022 12:04

@weddingbelles

I would refuse to sign quite frankly. Why should he take advantage of your present higher earnings and future earning potential while ringfencing his capital? That seems grossly unfair and I would say so.

Tell future PILS to butt out. If they have given this money, they have no right to try and control what happens to it.

Original poster
weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 12:07

@Nightlystroll

I don't think many people go into marriage thinking it's going to fail and so if they ever give thought to 'what if', they think they'd behave honourably and honestly in all circumstances. But people don't because they rarely get an amiable divorce. By the time it comes to separating, it's usually rancorous and cool rationality goes out of the window.

You earn more or less the same but youre bringing the costs of 3 people into the marriage and he's bringing one. How he got the 500,000 is immaterial. And you sound resentful that he has received something that he hasn't worked for. When you started with the prenup you were happy to sign but as time went on you became resentful and now you don't want to sign. Which is exactly what happens in marriage. You start by thinking you'd never take the money, you get resentful over the marriage (doing more domestic duties, affairs etc) so when you divorce, you think you have a right to the money. Hence the pre-nup.

And don't blame his family, this is down to your future husband.

I'm genuinely not resentful!! He's been incredibly lucky and by extension so have I, it means we can live in a house we otherwise wouldn't have been able to afford. I thank my lucky stars - truly and honestly. We are in life such a good team, it's just our finances are unequal, and the fact we have to look at this so coldly is just discombobulating to me. I want him, not his money.
OP posts:
Original poster
weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 12:09

@Pinkbonbon

Why not just day to the lawyers that you agree to not touching the inheritance but that's it. Surely they can do a document regarding that. Not sure it would be a prenup though.

But I would be worried that your partner hadn't taken care of this. Why does he think that its OK to potentially leave you in the shit if things didn't work out? Does he expect you to have more kids? If so you might have to take time off work.

I dunno why you haven't said 'no' to all the other terms to him and both said so to the lawyers. He sounds just as icy as them tbh and it would make me think twice about marrying him.

He's not, he's just a bit head in the sand and hasn't read/understood the terms. I do this for a living (not law but contract-associated) so I have more of an understanding than him.
OP posts:
Ellie56 · 26/03/2022 12:09

And another thing, if you allow PILS to stick their oar in now, what else are they going to interfere in further down the line?

Allsorts1 · 26/03/2022 12:11

It makes absolutely no sense for you to sign such a detailed prenup when your earnings are similar and he just has a lump sum from his family - you only need a prenup when you’re marrying into large amounts of wealth. Surely you just ring fence this initial 500k in some way and then leave it at that?

You have my sympathies on how horrible the pre nup process is though!

I wouldn’t sign and I would look for alternative arrangements for protecting the 500k. But even that should be time limited, if you buy property together and build a life together and divorce after 15 years I don’t think it would be fair in that instance for him to leave with 500k more than you.

Original poster
weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 12:11

Really appreciate everyone's input, thanks so much. It's given so much food for thought.

OP posts: