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Original poster

Prenup - would you sign?

167 replies

weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 10:55

I'm getting married in a few months and am getting increasingly uncomfortable with the idea of a prenup, which I originally agreed to sign. DP and I are both high earners (~£300k between us, i out-earn him by about £20k, had a £50k pay rise recently), but he's coming to the marriage with about £500k in equity (family money). My current savings are around £15k, I'm a single parent and have only started earning well in the last couple of years, plus most of my savings have gone on the wedding.

We've have the drafts of our prenup and it's so horribly sterile,in-depth, and prescriptive. I'm happy to put his family's minds at ease by saying I have no right to the money he's received from them - I have a high moral standard and wouldn't want to have a claim on it in the event of divorce, it's not mine so I would never feel I could go after it - but I understand it makes sense to them to have this legally stated. Fine.

What I hate about this document is that it goes into such granular detail about every single bit of our finances, even allocating ownership of our wedding gifts, and financial support of my DCs (he's not their dad, I would never expect him to financially support them, that's on me).

It feels so cold and inhuman, I really don't want to sign the bloody thing. I feel like the lawyers are wasting so much time with clauses I never agreed to sign on - I don't want to sign anything that isn't to do with the initial capital my DP is bringing into the marriage. The thought of the back and forth to get these legalities sorted before our wedding is really upsetting, at a time we're supposed to be celebrating how in love we are. I don't want his money, I'm just looking forward to spending my life with him!!

What would you do?

OP posts:
HandlebarLadyTash · 26/03/2022 16:48

If the 500k is in the house what happens if the house were to loose value? Yes I know this is unlikely. But to rinfence the 500k could work out to be detrimental unless you ringfence every significant purchase made with your money.

girlmom21 · 26/03/2022 16:57

Is your name on the deeds to the house? Is it owned outright or did you just use it as a huge deposit?

DuchessMinnie · 26/03/2022 16:59

I got married last year and we couldn't agree on the prenup so we didn't complete it. We plan to do a post-nup at some point but haven't got around to it yet.

Like you, I found it pretty invasive of my privacy to have to list every single account and asset I had. We own 2 properties exactly 50/50 and each have 2 children who will inherit only their respective parent's 50%. The issue is that PIL are wealthy with numerous properties which DH will inherit and that is what FIL wants to protect. I get it- he has worked his arse off building a successful property portfolio, he doesn't want to lose any of it in a divorce situation. I am not interested in his family money, it is nothing to do with me and I have never taken any money which I haven't earned myself.

DH pays for lots of stuff around the house which will improve value. Now that I am more than comfortable in benefitting from as I am an important part of the partnership- I earn well but half of his salary but I do far more than 50% of the domestic duties so that is my contribution.

By the way, the issue my solicitor picked up when she reviewed the prenup is that there was no review clause. My feelings above are totally valid now but there needs to be an opportunity to review if circumstances change- who's to say we won't have to look after PIL in the future, give up work, relocate, pay medical bills... things can change and I might decide I actually do deserve some of his family money after all. Not that I have any intention of splitting up but you never know.

Zilla1 · 26/03/2022 17:06

Your DP is unreasonable not to front up his DF to bounce back a pre-nup that mentions wedding presents. Counter-proposal of ring fence the deposit with a review clause for this if you have DC to take account of the permanent impairment to your wealth from pregnancy and child care. In the covering letter for this counter-proposal, say you refuse to accept any wedding presents and any of the other gifts set out in the pre-nup and refused to be directly or indirectly controlled by the ILs. Say if asked why you refuse to have any wedding presents. Otherwise refuse to marry. Take the initiative or your ILs will control you.

Original poster
weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 17:08

@girlmom21

Is your name on the deeds to the house? Is it owned outright or did you just use it as a huge deposit?
Both names are on the deeds and mortgage - we pay into it 50/50
OP posts:
PneppieGliswer · 26/03/2022 17:08

@ZenNudist

BTW it totally IS planning for a divorce. That is exactly what it is.
Nah, DH & I have been together over 25 years. We signed pre-nuptials as we both had assets before marriage that we did not want to lose to the other and wanted to leave our respective families in the first 5ish years of marriage. I had inherited assets and he had earned assets. Neither of us had a problem signing prenuptials, just seemed common sense even though we both planned to be in the marriage for the long haul. If I had died in the first 5 years of marriage (and and before children) then my inherited assets would have gone to my siblings. That seemed reasonable.

Of course our joint assets were jointly shared and not included in the prenuptial.

I would not have signed anything to the specificity that the OP is being asked to sign. And also my family from whom I inherited had no knowledge of our prenuptials and had no influence on us deciding to draw them up. Fuck them, frankly, inheritance is inheritance, OPs husband’s father could have put the money in a trust rather than gifted outright.

girlmom21 · 26/03/2022 17:11

Both names are on the deeds and mortgage - we pay into it 50/50

Are you joint tenants or tenants in common?

If you're joint tenants he should've thought about it before you signed the mortgage. Would a prenup override the mortgage? It shouldn't IMO.

If you're tenants in common and his £500k is ring-fenced it's already legally protected.

Deafdonkey · 26/03/2022 17:14

Also think of this, if the lawyers are being like this when you like each other, imagine what it would be like in divorce.

Ain't that the truth.

I'm in two minds. Yes the person bringing the wealth needs to be protected but there does need to be caveats. My husband brought wealth to the marriage but that was all, I became the daughter to his parents and nursed them, raised the children ran the house and equalled his income. The money now looks different than it did 25years ago

Original poster
weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 17:17

@girlmom21

Both names are on the deeds and mortgage - we pay into it 50/50

Are you joint tenants or tenants in common?

If you're joint tenants he should've thought about it before you signed the mortgage. Would a prenup override the mortgage? It shouldn't IMO.

If you're tenants in common and his £500k is ring-fenced it's already legally protected.

We are TIC, I was under the impression we needed a prenup in addition to this to ring fence his contribution?
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 26/03/2022 17:21

@weddingbelles no when you signed the mortgage you should have had to say who has what share or what is ring fenced and that'll be honoured when or if you chose to sell the house.

I don't know if that means you then can't go after the money as part of a divorce though to be fair.

Is everything going through his family lawyers or have you got independent advice?

StrictlySinging · 26/03/2022 17:35

Had a pre nup (we had it closed down / ended a few years after we were married) we are still married.

And this is what I think now, especially since you are able to be comfortably self sufficient.

Marriage is a contract, it really is about responsibility for each other and finances are a massive part of this.

My sincere recommendation is get engaged, live together if you want but act financially single until such time as you are both truly free and happy to join forces properly in thought word and deed. Until then what’s the point of being married?

Original poster
weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 17:46

[quote girlmom21]@weddingbelles no when you signed the mortgage you should have had to say who has what share or what is ring fenced and that'll be honoured when or if you chose to sell the house.

I don't know if that means you then can't go after the money as part of a divorce though to be fair.

Is everything going through his family lawyers or have you got independent advice? [/quote]
We've got independent advice

OP posts:
Original poster
weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 17:46

[quote girlmom21]@weddingbelles no when you signed the mortgage you should have had to say who has what share or what is ring fenced and that'll be honoured when or if you chose to sell the house.

I don't know if that means you then can't go after the money as part of a divorce though to be fair.

Is everything going through his family lawyers or have you got independent advice? [/quote]
I have to say though - I've only had one short meeting with my solicitor, we have a long one scheduled for next week

OP posts:
Original poster
weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 17:49

Thanks again for everyone’s input, it’s been so helpful.

In my opinion DP's lawyer has just done the lawyer thing of making this overly contentious where It doesn’t need to be- it should have been clear when we engaged them (this is on my DP, he’s not good at things like this) that the ring fencing of the capital was the only thing needed, yet they’ve gone off into all kinds of detail, like any gifts/inheritance/bonuses received in the marriage (for the both of us) also being ring fenced,which I understand benefits me as I work for a business where I have shares and shouldu be entitled to a big payout in a few years, but I would see this as family money, not just mine. Same with inheritance, my family is not as well off as his but I stand to inherit in the hundreds of thousands should the worst happen. I would see this as shared inheritance.

We’ve come to an agreement that I will sign to ringfence the family money only, nothing entering the marriage for the both of us after we wed, and the prenup will expire after three years or on the birth of our first child - whichever comes sooner. This, I am happy with, and I feel covers the early part of our marriage as well as my own interests further down the line.

My DP has been totally understanding throughout - he's in agreement that his own solicitor has been heavy handed and has approached this from the viewpoint of a really high net worth individual, so totally surplus to requirements for what we need.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 26/03/2022 17:52

@weddingbelles Id ask the solicitor if the mortgage being tenants in common protects his deposit and if it does decline a prenup as everything else is part and and parcel of marriage

girlmom21 · 26/03/2022 17:53

Ha sorry, just seen your update. That sounds very fair!

ukborn · 26/03/2022 18:29

You say 'I would never' but that's now - how many people have heard that but when it comes to it all the promises made earlier are ignored? That's the point of a pre nup. Just make sure the lawyer (do you have your own or was this drawn up by a joint one? No idea how it's done) is protecting your interests as much as his.

FloBot7 · 26/03/2022 18:52

I understand the frustration with the minute details the lawyers are going into. If the main reason is assets brought into the marriage then you and soon to be DH can instruct the solicitors to draw up a pre-nup that covers only that. It doesn't have to be a 500 page contract that goes into the nitty gritty details of what might happen if [insert 500 different scenarios for what the future holds].

I'm not against pre-nups and suggested it to my DH as he had significant assets from an inheritance from his mum. I can't imagine any circumstance where I'd fight him for those (we don't and won't have children) but it was offered as peace of mind. I think there's a lot to be said for deciding what is fair when you're in a good place.

bembridge11 · 26/03/2022 19:10

Dont sign if you dont like it
Dont let your future FIL interfere so much
And remind him that you earn far more than his son anyway!

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 26/03/2022 19:20

Why on earth are you getting married? Just live with him. Marriage isn't "romantic" it never has been. It's purely and simply a legal contract. This contract won't benefit you at all and you have your own money.

D0lphine · 26/03/2022 19:28

In my opinion DP's lawyer has just done the lawyer thing of making this overly contentious where It doesn’t need to be

You know that solicitors act on their client instructions don't you? They literally can't do anything unless their client gives them the say so.

Your husbands solicitor is doing this because he has told her to do it...

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/03/2022 19:33

it's the minutia of every single detail that's getting to me

I can understand that, but if you were to marry then split you'd probably need to do this anyway under "financial disclosure"

I also understand him wanting to protect his own assets - anyone would be advised to do the same if they were marrying someone who already has DCs and is bringing less to the table - but what stood out for me is that it's "all coming from FIL" and "all coming from the solicitor".
Obviously you know him best, but I'm not sure I'd want to take that as read

D0lphine · 26/03/2022 19:37

Also get your own shit hot lawyer and your own legal advice to make sure you're protected. Your OH lawyer represents him and does not have your interests at heart.

Original poster
weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 19:47

@Puzzledandpissedoff

it's the minutia of every single detail that's getting to me

I can understand that, but if you were to marry then split you'd probably need to do this anyway under "financial disclosure"

I also understand him wanting to protect his own assets - anyone would be advised to do the same if they were marrying someone who already has DCs and is bringing less to the table - but what stood out for me is that it's "all coming from FIL" and "all coming from the solicitor".
Obviously you know him best, but I'm not sure I'd want to take that as read

I appreciate this as you and another PP have said - however I've been in the room while calls with the lawyer have been happening, I'm pretty confident there's been nothing nefarious from my DP's side going on
OP posts:
MsSquiz · 26/03/2022 19:56

I signed a pre nup when I married DH. Ours doesn't go into specifics of wedding gifts or household items, but it does cover that he won't go after the inheritance I received from my DM (circa £60k) or my savings and I won't go after his family money (as it stands this would be a couple of million)
I ensured our covered child maintenance payments because, while I don't believe he would screw over his own children, a divorce could end up a very bitter and petty situation.
I would also receive half of the house we own outright and my divorce settlement is on a scaled percentage depending on how long we have been married pre divorce.

Our pre nup should've been updated on the birth of dd1 but covid took over and we have been married 5 years this summer and currently have dd2 on the way, so will be updating it soon. We have agreed to include that he will be responsible for all private school fees until the girls leave full time education, but everything else will stay the same.

However, if you are not happy with any part of the pre nup, do not sign it.