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Original poster

Prenup - would you sign?

167 replies

weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 10:55

I'm getting married in a few months and am getting increasingly uncomfortable with the idea of a prenup, which I originally agreed to sign. DP and I are both high earners (~£300k between us, i out-earn him by about £20k, had a £50k pay rise recently), but he's coming to the marriage with about £500k in equity (family money). My current savings are around £15k, I'm a single parent and have only started earning well in the last couple of years, plus most of my savings have gone on the wedding.

We've have the drafts of our prenup and it's so horribly sterile,in-depth, and prescriptive. I'm happy to put his family's minds at ease by saying I have no right to the money he's received from them - I have a high moral standard and wouldn't want to have a claim on it in the event of divorce, it's not mine so I would never feel I could go after it - but I understand it makes sense to them to have this legally stated. Fine.

What I hate about this document is that it goes into such granular detail about every single bit of our finances, even allocating ownership of our wedding gifts, and financial support of my DCs (he's not their dad, I would never expect him to financially support them, that's on me).

It feels so cold and inhuman, I really don't want to sign the bloody thing. I feel like the lawyers are wasting so much time with clauses I never agreed to sign on - I don't want to sign anything that isn't to do with the initial capital my DP is bringing into the marriage. The thought of the back and forth to get these legalities sorted before our wedding is really upsetting, at a time we're supposed to be celebrating how in love we are. I don't want his money, I'm just looking forward to spending my life with him!!

What would you do?

OP posts:

McNick · 26/03/2022 14:00

I'd suggest that in the unlikely event that the marriage was to break down, then his inherited family money would remain his and would be kept separate from the final settlement.
The rest of your assets would be divided equally. There will be times when you will be contributing more financially & times when he will be contributing more.
Remember, it's not just financial contribution that is taken into account in a Divorce settlement. Supporting a partner to build their career/business, bringing up a family whilst they work & you may be PT of SAHM for a while, Pension Contributions during the marriage; then maybe child support & spousal maintenance afterwards.
I'd avoid getting bogged down with the smaller details if possible like wedding presents, possessions etc
So long as DP family money is protected I can't see a reason for so much detail

SoManyTshirts · 26/03/2022 14:07

I had a prenup (my assets). Divorced 5 years ago, XH took a token amount but we were both advised that the pre-nup became less relevant over time and needed to be renewed at any significant life event.

Mumof3confused · 26/03/2022 14:08

I’m currently going through a divorce and wish I had got a prenup signed to protect my pre-marital investments. I never expected to be where I am now, I married for life but things happen. A friend has just divorced and she had a prenup which meant that she was able to keep her investments. They are being taken into account nowadays and in another 10-15 years time I suspect this will change still. Don’t sign anything you don’t want to sign, though.

Strictly1 · 26/03/2022 14:11

@Ohwhathaveidonenow

Also, his family have either gifted him the money or they haven't. IMO it's somewhat financially abusive to try and control what someone does with money you have given them. If his family don't trust him they shouldn't have given him the money. Where does this end? Even with a prenup, are they going to want to approve what it gets invested in eg a future property purchase? Sounds miserable.

Disagree - they've given their son a huge sum of money. So you'd be happy if the marriage failed after a year and they walked away with half of your gift? Rubbish! Personally, I think his parents are wise and if I was you, I'd sign. As you say, you're fiercely independent etc and wouldn't want it anyway so why let it cloud the run up to the wedding. Or is it that you're not as independent as you'd like to think?

layladomino · 26/03/2022 14:16

I can understand him wanting to ringfence the £500k (well actually it's £485k as you're bringing £15k to the party). But if it's going to be fair, will he treat you the same way? So if you inherit £1m from your family (theoretical question of of course) will he accept that's all yours? (you need to cover such inventualities in any prenup).

layladomino · 26/03/2022 14:17

*eventualities that should have been.

SamphiretheStickerist · 26/03/2022 14:21

Jesus!

Basically, I think what you are saying is that £500k of his parents money is in your house and you have no objection to that being ringfenced. But they are adding all sorts of niggly shite to the list, who makes wedding presents a gift with strings on?

Talk to your solicitor again. No pre nup. Their money gets ring fenced and after that your life and how the two of you choose to live it is fuck all to do with them.

If he can't agree to that them he isn't really grown up enough, is he?

Wherearemymarbles · 26/03/2022 14:37

A prenup is a bit like a properly written will. It needs to cover a lot of eventualities to be any good.

Marriage is usually about love. Divorce about money.
In 15 years you might hate his guts and go after every penny.

Also think of this, if the lawyers are being like this when you like each other, imagine what it would be like in divorce.

I can see both sides of the equation to be honest and dont think either of you are being unreasonable

AcrossthePond55 · 26/03/2022 14:52

My auntie and her (second marriage) DH had a legally binding, airtight prenup that was extremely detailed even down to who got what jewelry/household items and who paid for what in the upkeep of the house and included a life tenancy clause. They were older with grown children so this was more in the case of one of them dying than divorce.

But bottom line is that the attorneys who drew it up said that every eventuality had to be covered to avoid invalidating the whole thing in the event of a split or disagreement.

I don't think signing and then emailing people that you didn't want to sign would be legal proof of 'duress'. It would more likely be looked on as you trying 'in advance and with forethought' to invalidate the document.

Personally, I don't think there's a thing wrong with an ironclad and detailed prenup as long as it protects what you bring to the marriage too, even if all that is is a junker car and £5.00. So just be sure that your future earnings and savings are considered in this prenup as well as his. Marriage is, after all, a legal contract. DH and I both came to our marriage 30+ years with 'nothing worth anything'. Prenups weren't a 'thing' back then. But if I were to come to a marriage now in my/our current financial position you bet I'd insist on an ironclad, detailed prenup. However, TBH if I were to become single, I would NEVER marry again.

BUT, I do think you need to consider how much influence his parents/father seems to have over his life. Take a broad look at his life, as well as his siblings' lives. Look at their attitudes/beliefs and decisions they've made and really think carefully about how much of that is based on what his parents have told them to do or because it is what they think they would approve of. Have you known of instances where he has gone against them in something important, like his career choice, where to live etc? If you don't like what you find, then realize that his parents are going to be a major influence in your life once you marry him, like it or not. And I think that's what you need to be worried about. Not who gets what wedding gifts.

Fireflygal · 26/03/2022 14:58

He is being sensible. A family solicitor has explained it has to be detailed to be valid.

I think the issue is hou are doing this at the same time as a wedding so it feels incongruent but that's a timing issue, nothing more.

Your own marriage ended so you know most marriages end. You have a choice don't sign, don't marry or sign and plan a wedding afterwards so that the timerrames will allow you have the romantic build up.

Wavypurple · 26/03/2022 15:00

I would never in a million years sign a prenup

AdoraBell · 26/03/2022 15:09

I second the suggestion from Buildingthefuter

ChickenStripper · 26/03/2022 15:09

This is the nature of a prenup as it would be if you agreed to a living together one - it does cover the nitty gritty of basic things like what happens to purchases eg a sofa you make together if you then split up. It's not all bad and in some ways may be a protection for you.

AhNowTed · 26/03/2022 15:31

I can totally understand them wanting a prenup.

If I gifted my son that kind of money I would insist on the same.

But that would be the end of it. Nitpicking over wedding presents... No.

WhiteWriting · 26/03/2022 16:14

My husband-to-be presented me with a draft Prenup similar to the one you detail OP. I didn't sign and only wish I had listened to my gut feeling that he was not quite as 'all that I have I share with you' as I was.
Fast forward to his affair and our divorce 10 years later. First, I found a spreadsheet in which he had calculated how much he would 'offer' me in the divorce. Then he tried to get his lawyers to enforce the non-existent Prenup. The judge awarded 50/50 and said that even in the event that it had been produced the court would have looked to share assets and house us both first.
You don't know how things will pan out. You need to protect yourself, your current children and any future children before his hurt feelings. My advice, don't sign if you have misgivings and definitely not without legal advice.
I guess my point is; he is showing you his view of marriage. who is is.

WhiteWriting · 26/03/2022 16:15

#who he is.

Goodbyetowinter · 26/03/2022 16:16

OP, you say that the 500k is in your house? If so, in the event of a split, could you and any DC be left homeless? I wouldn't sign anything. He either lives you and wants to marry you and make the relationship work or he cares more about money. Just say no.

D0lphine · 26/03/2022 16:22

Why bother getting married if he doesn't want to share his assets? Just live together and split everything 50/50.

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/03/2022 16:30

But you don’t have to sign it OP, so don’t.

If you are happy for the 500k from his parents be ringfenced, then sign that bit, with a proviso that after you have kids or have been married a decade (whichever is sooner) the pre-nup will be void.

If it causes hassle with his parents, then don’t get married, just make you get a nanny so your earning isn’t impacted by kids.

You have to stand up for yourself.

Staryflight445 · 26/03/2022 16:38

Interestingly the only people not protected in this, since you earn more than him, is your children.

I wouldn’t sign it, or even want to marry him tbh.
Disgraceful.

Staryflight445 · 26/03/2022 16:40

‘ He is being sensible. A family solicitor has explained it has to be detailed to be valid.’

Sensible would be op having things in there too, but funnily enough there isn’t anything there to protect op or her children.

2bazookas · 26/03/2022 16:41

Don't sign anything you're not comfortable with.

Don't marry a man you 're not comfortable with.

Original poster

weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 16:42

@Goodbyetowinter

Hopefully not - in this event, we should by now have enough capital in the house above this figure (split 50/50) to allow me to purchase a smaller home

OP posts:

Original poster

weddingbelles · 26/03/2022 16:43

@Luredbyapomegranate

But you don’t have to sign it OP, so don’t.

If you are happy for the 500k from his parents be ringfenced, then sign that bit, with a proviso that after you have kids or have been married a decade (whichever is sooner) the pre-nup will be void.

If it causes hassle with his parents, then don’t get married, just make you get a nanny so your earning isn’t impacted by kids.

You have to stand up for yourself.

This is exactly what I want to do - I'm not sure if I we're able to do a prenup in such simplistic terms without including the rest of all the crap details. I'll be speaking to my solicitor about this on Monday

OP posts:

Ribenery · 26/03/2022 16:47

Having been through a divorce where my exh took assets I brought into the marriage despite promising he never would, I can see why your dh's family are like this

I am hugely cynical now and I wouldn't marry again without this. Even though they may not be enforceable, I think they show intention. But I would definitely get your own legal advice first. Especially if you may give up work or at least pause promotions to have kids with him.

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