Prenup - would you sign?

[weddingbelles]

I'm getting married in a few months and am getting increasingly uncomfortable with the idea of a prenup, which I originally agreed to sign. DP and I are both high earners (~£300k between us, i out-earn him by about £20k, had a £50k pay rise recently), but he's coming to the marriage with about £500k in equity (family money). My current savings are around £15k, I'm a single parent and have only started earning well in the last couple of years, plus most of my savings have gone on the wedding.

We've have the drafts of our prenup and it's so horribly sterile,in-depth, and prescriptive. I'm happy to put his family's minds at ease by saying I have no right to the money he's received from them - I have a high moral standard and wouldn't want to have a claim on it in the event of divorce, it's not mine so I would never feel I could go after it - but I understand it makes sense to them to have this legally stated. Fine.

What I hate about this document is that it goes into such granular detail about every single bit of our finances, even allocating ownership of our wedding gifts, and financial support of my DCs (he's not their dad, I would never expect him to financially support them, that's on me).

It feels so cold and inhuman, I really don't want to sign the bloody thing. I feel like the lawyers are wasting so much time with clauses I never agreed to sign on - I don't want to sign anything that isn't to do with the initial capital my DP is bringing into the marriage. The thought of the back and forth to get these legalities sorted before our wedding is really upsetting, at a time we're supposed to be celebrating how in love we are. I don't want his money, I'm just looking forward to spending my life with him!!

What would you do?

Nope, I wouldn’t sign that and I would rethink being married to someone to takes such a sterile view of finances and what’s important in life. Why is his family anything to do with this, surely anything he has is his if he was gifted it by his family?

I was a single parent when I married DH. We both owned property in our own right, but we look on everything as ours and leave it to each other in our wills, and also make sure our respective children are treated fairly and equally in the (hopefully long in the future) event of our passing.

I simply wouldn’t marry someone if they imposed this on me. Whether or not it’s legally enforceable wouldn’t really matter to me, it’s the principle.

@gogohm

Can you not have a simplified agreement that simply ring fences the savings eg £500k his £15k yours pro rata if there's less than that in assets if you split? Wedding gifts etc are joint assets so should not be subject to a pre nup. On the birth of your first joint child this should become obsolete automatically. It's none of his family's business

Of course it should not become obsolete just because you have kids together.

You earn £300k between you - that's plenty to split if/when you get divorced.

Having a kid doesn't change the need to ring fence the original 500k

Lawyers will tell you that a properly drawn up prenup will be recognised by the court, but the simple fact is they don't have to observe it. The main reason for that is if they feel that there isn't sufficient money to properly provide for children etc, or the spouse might not be able to work for some reason. Properly provide for the children could mean private school fees or horse riding lessons, or it could be basic provision of clothes.

There is no guarantee with any of this. However, the person providing the money can take steps to protect it as previously described.

I have to be honest, if I was ever in his position and there was a big disparity in assets brought into the marriage , I would do the same and I’m not remotely grabby or that materialistic, I’ve just seen the ructions and resentments it’s caused in failed marriages. How he happens to have that level of assets is immaterial OP, annoying as it is, some people were just born with a silver spoon in their mouths or very generous parents. So long as the basics are covered off and you would be left reasonably well provided for I would sign— I wouldn’t sign anything though that related to any extra wealth or assets gained as part of the marriage— that’s just tough titty and part of the deal on his part - and if they aren’t ok with that then he shouldn’t be getting married.

I am a millionaire and never in a million years would I marry someone with no assets.

If they don't sign the prenup lol. I would run. Run fast.

It surprises me to hear you say this if you do it for a living but then this is personal to you. Inheritance does not get caught up into a prenup - that is what a will is for . I signed a pre nup as I have considerabley more assets and property than my H. We are both second time married so his assets are for his children and mine are for mine. Yes, they do have to go into all the nitty gritty details - it is just like writing a will - what if, what if eg I have given a lifetime right for my H to live on here in the house if I die first - we even had to detail who would pay for maintenance of the house in that time and set a figure above which both he and my children would pay. A will is the same. It's like insurance and makes sense. You never know what happens and it is just wise to be covered. It is part of the legal process that you have your lawyer to advise - has this happened?

Are your wills wills in anticipation of marriage?

Why have you resurrected this zombie thread?!

Oh no 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

I wouldn’t sign a prenup. I don’t see why he is ring fencing his money. Surely the whole point of marriage is to share assets.

As most dimwit footballers find out to their cost. I'm waiting for the Vardy divorce and him being stripped of what he has left

Op I think you are being entirely fair in what you are willing to sign. Their further attempts to control your marriage is a huge red flag to me. That bit, on the outset firmly puts you in the outsider / not family camp. And they have extended this to your DC who are not their blood relative. I personally think it would be a huge mistake getting involved with a family like that. WHY is your dp even entertaining their further clauses? Don't underestimate them, if they can easily afford to gift your dp that amount of money then they know exactly how prenups work and how enforceable they are.

I've been married over 20 years and recently I said to my hubby if he wanted me to sign a prenup I would (the subject came up because of another family member considering one).
You have a child and it sounds like you are a hard worker - if you wanted your child to inherit your hard earned cash...would you not want to make sure after your death it stayed with your child instead of 50% being lost if they split with their partner. People marry expecting to be together for the rest of their lives...no one, no one sane at least, marries with the idea they will divorce. But they do. And there are also principled people like yourself who after a bitter divorce change their minds on what is acceptable. This is not your husband to be taking a stance on his relationship he is respecting his parents hard earned cash. Besides, as others have said they are not enforceable under UK law they are more of a guide. Ask him to get rid of everything except the £500k and any references to him not supporting your onw child and sign that. The wedding gift etc clauses were probably from the lawyer.
Personally, if we give our children money we will be tying it up in a trust fund for them to keep the nest egg of the original cash with them regardless of what future partner choices they made. Although any profits made from the nest egg could potentially be split if they divorced that would be OK - but I would want to protect the original amount.

It sounds like this is driven almost entirely by a savvy, if somewhat OTT father who has worked hard for his wealth.

Personally I don’t blame him. He’s attempting to formalise the financial approach to protect his family’s interest which you are a risk to. Legal syntax can be a bit brutal so maybe see through that and soften it in your own mind with the help of your ‘husband’.

I assume he’s willing to support your children anyway to a degree and this part of the pre-nup covers what would happen in the event of a split?

if he’s the right guy for you don’t let words on paper prevent your happiness.

I wouldn’t sign it. When I married DH I had significantly more assets than him, I also earned a lot more than him back then. We bought a house at the start of our marriage and I put down £250k deposit and he had nothing.

It was always in the back of my mind that there was a risk, but when I looked into it, I found that if a marriage breaks up early on, assets will be split so that both parties will be returned to the financial situation they were in before the marriage.

Of course as the years pass, this natural fairness goes away and assets become more “joint”. I reasoned that this was good enough for me, I didn’t need to feel my £250k was safe forever.

Also, as another poster mentions, your kids shouldn’t inherit his family’s money in the event of your partner’s or your own demise.

Your future father in law is a smart guy and someone you could learn from.

ZOMBIE