My boyfriend moved in too early and now I’m pregnant

[AmyJahabee]

Hi All,

I need your advice!

I am 37 and currently have 2 daughters from previous relationships, boyfriend is 42 no kids.

I met my boyfriend in October 2021 it was nice at beginning. He lives at his mum when I met him. But just after a month he slowly moved himself in my house. I have never been happy with this as I thought it too soon at the start I suggested seeing each other 3 times a week and he will say what do need the time for, I felt pressured and guilty that I love him less just cause I need space for little.
My boyfriend has helped me with few jobs on the jobs in the house as he’s handy, and every argument he will use it and say I have used him now I’m dumping him.

When I meet him he said he can’t have kids and been married for 10years and never manage to get his ex pregnant so I shouldn’t worry about contraception. I was totally shocked when I found out I was pregnant and I really hate been pregnant and want an abortion now. Don’t know what to know.

I want the abortion as I feel the relationship is too soon to handle this and currently we are constantly arguing, he doesn’t want to go out with us anywhere really apart stay at home which I’m finding really boring.

I think overall I feel him moving him is a big mistake and I just hate it.

Please help what should I do.

Have an abortion?

I know if I do abortion he will leave me but I’m tired of feeling he will leave if I do things he doesn’t like.
As him to leave the house ?
I have mentioned saying it too soon moving in and I’m overwhelmed and he says I don’t want the relationship. I want the relationship but just didn’t have any time to decide about living together.

For goodness sake get your termination sorted, kick his lying arse out and prioritise your daughters.

The only decision you need to make on the abortion is whether or not you want a baby.
Personally it all sounds too much too soon, so I'd send him back to his mother's house and continue dating a couple of times a week - IF YOU WANT TO!

Wake up!!

If you want a termination, have one, as soon as possible.

Tell him to move back to his mothers.

If he says you used him, tell him not to be so fucking stupid, he's lived in your house (uninvited) for months at very little cost, while earning a lot more than you.

He's rude, controlling, manipulative and bloody horrible.

Move him out this weekend and start April free if the monumental twat!!

The get some help with boundaries, self confidence and sort out contraception for the future. Even if a man genuinely believes he can't have children, you cannot trust he can't have them with you. Unless you want another termination, assume ALL men 'could' get you pregnant.

Look after yourself and your children, don't let him or anyone else control/manipulate you again!!

Get a friend to come around when you TELL him to leave and change the locks!! You can do it yourself if you don't want/can't pay a locksmith. Don't trust he hasn't got keys cut!!

Be strong, you CAN do this!!

Have the termination OP, you have two girls who are dependent on you.
This loser didnt even plan on paying towards living in your house, do you really think he'd help support his own child.

I'm furious he just moved in without even asking. He's a user and a nasty piece of work. He lied to you about not being able to have kids. That is a horrific thing to do. Find your rage OP.
Get this dickhead out now.

Think of it this way, he wants to steal from your kids !!

This man is a predator, get rid.

As for the pregnancy, your body, your choice. Neither choices are easy. Do whatever you feel is right for you.

You already sound overwhelmed and trapped.

You don't want this baby. You don't want him living in your house.

Have the abortion. Tell him to move out. You sound like you know exactly what you want, but you feel guilty about putting yourself first for once. Put yourself first.

If he's a decent guy (which none of us think is), he will accept moving out and dating you again more slowly, less often, and whilst using reliable contraception.

Please stop being so passive.

You don't want him living there yet you have let him. He didn't offer to pay anything so you waited for him to mention it. You don't want a baby yet you've let him impregnate you. Take back control OP, this is your life, and the life of your children. Stop letting him trounce all over what you want. It's over and it doesn't matter that he retiled the bathroom, or fixed the shelves or what ever he did. He needs to leave and please sort of a termination ASAP. Get someone in real life to support you if you need help, or just come back here as there's plenty of people to give you a hand hold. Just please don't do nothing and let him take over.

I would have the abortion and in the same conversation tell him to leave. It will be hard but this is insanity.

He is showing very clearly that he is using you. He is forcing what he wants on you. He isn't acting in your best interests.

He moved in when you didn't want him to.
He wants you to sell your house so you can buy together (and then he would own half of everything you've worked for).
He tricked you in to getting pregnant. That is really, really serious.
He threatens to leave when you stand up to him.
He is controlling, manipulative, selfish, only out for his own gain. That makes him dangerous to you (and any children you might have with him).

Make a stand and take some decisions about your own life.

If you don't want to live with him, tell him to leave.
If you don't want a baby with him, then you have that choice.

He is not showing love. This is not a healthy relationship. Even if you wanted the baby you would still be better off away from him. You know if you stayed together and had the baby he would be a useless father? Selfish, manipulative, grabby men do not make good parents. He will leave you to do all the work. Talk you in to buying that house, or getting married (and then half of your home belongs to him)... then leave you looking after the baby while he does what he wants.

Please do the right thing by yourself and your existing children, and take back control of your life. Tell him to leave, and that you are no longer a couple. Do you have friends / family who can support you in this?

If he refuses to leave you can tell the Police, as it's your house and he can only be there with your permission.

Why have you been so passive?

Why on Earth did you think it was appropriate to let a man move in with you and your children after a month?? This is madness.

This is all WAY too much, too soon.

OP, if you hate being pregnant and want to terminate, then that's what you should do. I'll be honest and say I wouldn't even tell him.

In terms of him moving in, I wouldn't be happy with this so soon, at all. You have children whose home this is, who deserve much, much more time before a stranger is living with them.

I'd absolutely be protecting your asset, and I'd get proper advice before taking money off him for anything or letting him contribute in any way to the house and its upkeep.

I absolutely would not, after just six months, even be entertaining buying property with this man!

Have the abortion, and then ask him to sit down with you and tell him it all needs to slow right down. If he squawks, moans, tries to blackmail you emotionally ('you're just using me!' is exactly this) I'd be asking him to move right back out pronto. There are HUGE red flags here - I can practically see this ending in a mess for you and your daughters.

Just read a pp and they put it really well - he wants to steal from your children.

He is worming his way in, and trying to get hold of your assets. He will likely then leave, leaving you and your children poorer for it.

I don't expect he's a great 'step father' figure either.

If you can't be strong for yourself, be strong for your children.

Goodness me, sorry OP. If I were you I would get the abortion and leave this man. He doesn't sound like a good character seeing as he's moved himself into your house without your permission. Good luck to you!

You moved in a man you’d been seeing for a month into your childrens home?

You sound vulnerable op. Especially after believing he can’t have children.
You’re hanging off his every word meanwhile your children have been put into this situation and their trusted adult isn’t behaving responsibly at all.

He wants your house. You say he out earns you but I don’t suppose you know much about his debt history? He’s in a rush, he needs to strengthen your ties to him by having a child with you. Get your equity in joint names, diminish your independence and confidence subtly then move on. I’m guessing here but so are you, because you probably don’t know much more about him than we do. Please please follow the advice of PP and get rid of him. Your DC must come first and this sounds a potential disaster for their happiness and stability.

I also would have the abortion and end it with this man. He really sounds like bad news and a child will tie you to him for life, which you already know from previous experience.

I can’t believe everyone blaming him in the comments.

He’s not the one with children to protect.

You have two young children and you let a man you barely know move in with you-and them!!! WTF is the matter with you?

You then agree not to use contraception based on nonsense he spouted, putting your health at risk.

Advice? Have the termination that you clearly want and ask him to leave. Tell him it’s not working and your children weren’t ready for it. Do it now.

Put your children first.

Sounds like he knows you’re pregnant as you say he’ll dump you if you have an abortion?

If you are prescribed pill for the abortion, you will bleed and pass in the same way as a miscarriage. So if for your own safety you want to pretend you have miscarried, keep that in mind.

I hope not to upset anyone reading this who has miscarried. One of my miscarriages was a “missed” one, and I was given the abortion pills to start it. So I don’t say this flippantly, to pretend, but I do think a woman’a safety is paramount.

Please don't let him take over here - he sounds controlling. Having had a similar relationship (got pg very early on with a guy same age as yours who moved in by stealth - although he had his own flat) I really wish I had set boundaries sooner. We got caught in the whirlwind and I really thought he was perfect. In reality there's always a reason men get to 42 and have no kids/house/responsibilities. My ex took over all of the cooking, which at first was a welcome break but then got very possessive about doing it, to the point I didn't know what food I had in the cupboard. He began turning up 2/3 hours late bang on my daughter's bed time and complain I wasn't around to properly greet him because I was doing her bath/reading/bed. He never got why she came first and began to resent her time with me to the point he threw a huge sulk when I booked a week away with her over halfterm to have some mummy/daughter time. He stopped messaging for the week, didn't call me once and then pretended he forgot we had arranged to meet when I got back so I returned to an empty house - he made it very clear he was unhappy I went alone and he began stonewalling badly. It gave me huge anxiety as he was trying to take over so I would need him and then pulling the rug so completely I felt I didn't know how he felt about me at all. Witholding sex was the last straw for me. He would only give me intimacy on his terms. Any time I complained I was upset or anxious he ran away and stonewalled as he had no emotional maturity at all.

Have you met his friends? I wouldn't be surprised if they are all a bit Peter Pan-ish. None of this guy's close friends were married or had kids. They all did recreational drugs or got super drunk at weekends and had very basic jobs with no responsibility. You can tell a lot about a person from the people they have grown up with.

Please be very careful and set boundaries for your children as they will get hurt and start acting out if he takes your time away from them. Then he will go on about how you can't control your kids and it will be a "you never stand up for me against them!" situation where you feel you can't win. My dd is now completely back to her old bubbly self but she confided in me she was worried that I hardly spent time with her because I felt evenings had to be focused on him. She acted out and it ultimately showed me how far away from the parent I used to be I had become. Don't have kids with this man yet, please!

No no no, don’t let him take over. You have agency here. I would be calling the gp I think.

An abortion is your personal choice. If I were you id change the locks and put his stuff outside the door. Its not fair on your children to have him living there. Do you know how they feel about him living in their home? Its far too soon for him to live with you especially as you have children to consider. Anyway hes manipulative big red flags there.

I would have an abortion and I would kick him out.

@Mumoblue

He’s a 42 year old who lived with his mum and sneak-moved into your house while telling you to not bother with contraception.

Run. 🚩

Totally.