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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh too incompetent to leave him

239 replies

Imanidiotiknow · 24/03/2022 19:14

I’m trapped. My Dh is too stupid to look after the kids on his own, so I can’t leave him and risk them being cared for him eow for instance. I’m just absolutely furious with him.

They’re 3 and 2. Today was a longer day at work than usual for me. I usually work 5 hour shifts and then scoop up the kids when I’m done. Today, however, I had to work 8.5 hours- he clearly didn’t anticipate me having a lunch break. Came down to find ds had snot dried across both cheeks. He’s got a terrible cold and his nose is streaming. Dh mustn’t have wiped it once. I had to use warm water to try and soften it before it came off.
Dd had no bobble in her hair and was walking round lifting up the front section so she could see. He’d given ds calpol but didn’t bother to check if he still actually had a temp. Ds had poo’d in his nappy and just been left.
I was completely disgusted at this point. He apologised and tried to brush it off as all happening in the 5 mins before I came down.
Finished at 4.30 and came down to find them still in pjs. I just despair. The batteries and back of the thermometer were missing, Dh said ds was playing with it. Thankfully they’re just AA batteries but still. What the fuck is he doing.

I realise this is completely inadequate but I feel like I need to tread carefully. If I push him out he will absolutely want to see the dc wherever he goes but I can’t allow it happen. He’s not neglecting them to the extent I think ss would deny unsupervised visits but it’s more than enough for me to not want them out my sight.

Also there was no evidence he’d be such a failure before we had kids. I just don’t know what to do. Incredibly he has a very respectable job, which in paper vs me and my mh issues ( nothing bad but diagnosed anxiety- mainly due to this) means I think he would be given access even if I refused,

Mainly just venting. Agh

OP posts:
nitsandwormsdodger · 25/03/2022 10:07

I say this kindly , You need to get help for your anxiety
You need to leave , for his sake and yours and arrange good quality childcare you can trust and make sure he parents often to build up is skills

Your mention of neglect and it not quite meeting social services threshold has irritated me as you clearly have no notion of what neglect is
It’s is NOT a poopy nappy left for an hour it is a poor nappy left for days and the child getting an infection
It’s is NOT a snot incrusted face or slipping and banging head from standing on a truck- it is having a broken arm from being falling down stairs because there is no gate and parent too high to notice , it is NO food in house and water cut off

In the kindest way you need to get help , get out can he have access at his mums so there is another adult ?

Comtesse · 25/03/2022 10:15

The batteries are worth kicking off about - the other stuff, not so much. A snotty nose never killed anyone.

NowEvenBetter · 25/03/2022 10:17

The amount of pro child neglect posters is sickening. The deadbeat should be desperate to educate himself on basic parenting, to fix his failings. He’s not arsed though.

BertieBotts · 25/03/2022 10:23

Hmm Nobody is pro child neglect, what a ridiculous comment.

How do you suggest OP gets her husband to educate himself or what do you suggest she does?

Papayamya · 25/03/2022 10:26

@nitsandwormsdodger

I say this kindly , You need to get help for your anxiety You need to leave , for his sake and yours and arrange good quality childcare you can trust and make sure he parents often to build up is skills

Your mention of neglect and it not quite meeting social services threshold has irritated me as you clearly have no notion of what neglect is
It’s is NOT a poopy nappy left for an hour it is a poor nappy left for days and the child getting an infection
It’s is NOT a snot incrusted face or slipping and banging head from standing on a truck- it is having a broken arm from being falling down stairs because there is no gate and parent too high to notice , it is NO food in house and water cut off

In the kindest way you need to get help , get out can he have access at his mums so there is another adult ?

Something doesn't have to meet social services threshold to be unacceptable though. I wouldn't fancy sitting around in a shitty nappy to be honest, and it can cause irritation a lot sooner than leaving for a few days. Batteries are bloody dangerous when children are about, and the laziness of leaving children in pyjamas all day for no reason other than couldn't be bothered (don't mind one every now and again, but I'd be annoyed in this situation). Yes of course sadly there are children who live in conditions that are a lot worse, but I don't know why that means people can't have an acceptable standard for their little ones. Why are we judging against the lowest denominator?
Octomore · 25/03/2022 10:31

@Theredjellybean

Playing with batteries is bad But the rest is not awful, maybe not to your standards but not awful
Leaving a child in a pooey nappy isn't awful?

How low are your standards ffs?!

Octomore · 25/03/2022 10:33

The thing that would anger/upset me the most is that his behaviour isn't due to being learning disabled, or unable to see risk. He can spot risks / potential issues well enough when he's at work, can't he?

No, it's that he just doesn't care. His own kids, and he doesn't care. He does well at work because he cares about his career, but he doesn't put the energy in to nurture his kids because he's not that bothered.

HoppingPavlova · 25/03/2022 10:41

If there is any risk that a child has swallowed batteries, that is an emergency. I would call an ambulance for my own child in that situation. Better safe than sorry - the call handler will be able properly to assess the seriousness of the situation.

That’s ridiculous. I’ve unfortunately come across button battery events but really hard to imagine a young child is just gobbling standard batteries without batting an eyelidConfused.

Even if you believed tour child has somehow managed to chug down a few standard batteries why wouldn’t you drive your child to A&E?

Most button events present after the fact, with symptoms that could be due to a number of things with continuing deterioration, so if a child comes by ambulance it’s likely due to the fact they are sick enough to warrant it and it’s picked up consequent to arrival and investigation that it’s due to a button battery. It’s not a case of parent watches child swallow it then calls ambulance, common sense is to drive them in as much more expedient.

SpaceshiptoMars · 25/03/2022 10:44

I don't know how we now have a world where men expect women to be porn stars, and women expect men to come with nanny training - but here we are.

You can leave him and find someone else, of course. Look on the lone parents and step-parenting boards for how that can work out. You may find it agonizing to share your children with an endless succession of his unknown girlfriends. Or there are other options:

  • he takes a close look at whether he has bitten off more than he can chew at work, or
  • he agrees to pay for childcare for the hours he's making a poor job of doing it for himself
  • he agrees to go to parenting courses and couples counselling
  • he finds a willing relative to help out
  • and you get more help with dealing with your anxiety and focusing on the life threatening risks over nose wiping
thebabynanny · 25/03/2022 10:46

The people who think his level of care is acceptable - if you collected your toddler from a childminder and they were in wet clothes, snot all over their face, dirty nappy, TV on, hadn't been out all day. You'd be ok with that?

Try dropping your children off at nursery/childminder every morning in dirty pjs, dirty faces and a dirty nappy and see how long it is before they make a safeguarding referral...

It might not be a social services level of neglect but it isn't good enough either.

Papayamya · 25/03/2022 10:48

I don't know how we now have a world where men expect women to be porn stars, and women expect men to come with nanny training - but here we are.

Where do women get this mythical nanny training then?

BarbaraofSeville · 25/03/2022 10:49

I don't know how we now have a world where men expect women to be porn stars, and women expect men to come with nanny training - but here we are

Eh? He's been a father for over 3 years. It's hardly a stretch to expect him to have used that time to work out how to look after his DC to a basic standard.

SpaceshiptoMars · 25/03/2022 10:58

Where do women get this mythical nanny training then?

I don't know about your childhood, but most girls in mine looked after children in the family as part of growing up. Then got paid for babysitting in their teens. Along with being given dolls to 'care for' - so learning some basic elements of childcare from very, very young.

Lovemusic33 · 25/03/2022 10:59

The snotty nose, scruffy hair and being in pj’s wouldn’t bother me too much (no real harm), the dirty nappy would bother me, poo can damage the skin if left there too long. The battery thing isn’t that worrying but he shouldn’t really have let the kids have the thermometer. He just sounds lazy, maybe leave him a list?

thebabynanny · 25/03/2022 11:00

@SpaceshiptoMars

Where do women get this mythical nanny training then?

I don't know about your childhood, but most girls in mine looked after children in the family as part of growing up. Then got paid for babysitting in their teens. Along with being given dolls to 'care for' - so learning some basic elements of childcare from very, very young.

Learning how to wipe a nose or change a nappy takes about 5 minutes in total. Men don't need any training. This man has had 3 years parenting training already, more than most women have when they give birth for the first time.
BertieBotts · 25/03/2022 11:01

thebabynanny

Nobody thinks it is acceptable.

What do you think the OP should do?

comfortablyfrumpy · 25/03/2022 11:03

@SpaceshiptoMars

Where do women get this mythical nanny training then?

I don't know about your childhood, but most girls in mine looked after children in the family as part of growing up. Then got paid for babysitting in their teens. Along with being given dolls to 'care for' - so learning some basic elements of childcare from very, very young.

Nope, didn't look after any other children growing up. Never even changed a nappy until I had my own kids.

Still managed to work out how to safely raise them though.

OP he sounds like he can't be arsed. It's a horrible situation but I think either you leave and accept that the kids are going to get substandard care when with their Dad, or you wait it out until they're a couple of years older.

WimpoleHat · 25/03/2022 11:04

I think a pp hit the nail on the head when she said that the combination of an anxious and a slightly neglectful parent is utterly toxic. You have to separate things out here:

  • Things that actually don’t matter. Your DH may not care about things that you do. My DH would dress my girls in the most mismatched clothes and it drove me mad, as it was important to me that they looked nice. But it didn’t matter to him….and ultimately it didn’t matter. They were dressed. The pyjamas and the hair are examples of this. You like them to look clean and neat, but they won’t come to any harm if they don’t.
  • Things that do matter. The nappy, yes. Because the little one could get nappy rash. But you do have to cut the person who isn’t the primary carer a little bit of slack; s/he just doesn’t have the same experience as the person who is home more. So that’s worth a conversation.
  • Genuine hazards. The batteries aren’t great, but it’s very unlikely a child could actually swallow AA batteries and so many household objects have them. Not great, but it could happen to any of us; maybe you need some gorilla tape on the remotes etc. Agree there are some things (eg use of car seats, kettles and pans out of reach) that are clearly obvious hazards and would need to be addressed.

I think you need to have a calm, but serious conversation with your DH. He needs to step up a bit, sure - but you maybe need to accept that he does things differently from you. Hopefully you can reach an acceptable way forward.

SpaceshiptoMars · 25/03/2022 11:05

Learning how to wipe a nose or change a nappy takes about 5 minutes in total.
Men don't need any training.
This man has had 3 years parenting training already, more than most women have when they give birth for the first time.

It isn't the learning how to wipe the nose that is the issue. It is learning to believe it is worth doing. Most women get imbued with the belief of the importance of all these tasks - and men get imbued with the belief that an entirely different set of tasks take priority.

thebabynanny · 25/03/2022 11:06

@BertieBotts

thebabynanny

Nobody thinks it is acceptable.

What do you think the OP should do?

Lots of posters on this thread think it's acceptable.
sundaydayisnotmyfundayday · 25/03/2022 11:08

What would he say if you were as rubbish as he appears to be when it comes to caring for your children?

Weaponised incompetence is not a good reason for you to spend your life miserable

BertieBotts · 25/03/2022 11:19

No, they are just saying that OP cannot control it, so handwringing about how terrible it is is a waste of time.

Nobody has come along and said what do you mean, this is great parenting, I aim to parent like this.

I will ask again, what do you think the OP should do? That is the important question. There is no need to ascertain whether his parenting is shit, she already thinks it is.

PurplePansy05 · 25/03/2022 11:26

The issue isn't an instance of an unwiped snot or an occasional dirty nappy. The issue is his attitude. Not giving a shit/not paying attention/not getting things done/cutting corners/showing no initiative/taking no responsibility - cross out whichever doesn't apply, but the overall attitude is this, one of these will be his constant. You really don't need to be a perfectionist or anxiety-prone for this to drive you mad after a period of time. This would anger a saint. But pp said correctly, if you anxious or if you care a lot, this will hit you even harder, or possibly sooner. It's very unhealthy unfortunately.

A fresh attitude isn't something OP can teach him (and why should she? Another job for her? Why?). He's an adult and needs to want to change his ways, but for this he needs to want to pay attention to what he does, and also be empathetic to his children and to her. He doesn't want to be, either because he's incapable or more likely because he wants an easy life with doing as little as possible himself. My view is that adults like this do not change. They've been enabled by their own parents and throughout their lives and you'll be burning yourself out even more trying to change them. I've communicated the issues over and over again for many years even pre-DC and the positive effect was never lasting. I suspect you've already tried talking to him OP, I'd be surprised if you haven't, but you're probably not being heard, respected and he eventually dismisses it anyway. It's his choice, remember.

52andblue · 25/03/2022 11:32

@SpaceshiptoMars

Where do women get this mythical nanny training then?

I don't know about your childhood, but most girls in mine looked after children in the family as part of growing up. Then got paid for babysitting in their teens. Along with being given dolls to 'care for' - so learning some basic elements of childcare from very, very young.

The first baby I ever held was my Ds, when I was 33. He was born early so I was only 3 weeks into the NCT course. No one showed me anything (discharged with no NHS 'instructions') It is not rocket science. If he can hold down a job he can do this. But he doesnt think it's important when OP picks up his slack. It is already affecting her health & that may get worse. The kids will grow up yes, but the dynamics are not a good model. OP you could try writing to him so he can digest it privately. But if he won't pull his weight you can't make him unfortunately.
EKGEMS · 25/03/2022 11:37

For the soiled diaper alone I'd ask him how he'd like to be banned from the toilet for 12 hours and if he needs to poop he can do so in his underpants! Ask him if he'd like a diaper rash or skin breakdown on his gonads?! Idk what advice to give other than to 'tell him fuck off forever!'