Dh too incompetent to leave him

[Imanidiotiknow]

I’m trapped. My Dh is too stupid to look after the kids on his own, so I can’t leave him and risk them being cared for him eow for instance. I’m just absolutely furious with him.

They’re 3 and 2. Today was a longer day at work than usual for me. I usually work 5 hour shifts and then scoop up the kids when I’m done. Today, however, I had to work 8.5 hours- he clearly didn’t anticipate me having a lunch break. Came down to find ds had snot dried across both cheeks. He’s got a terrible cold and his nose is streaming. Dh mustn’t have wiped it once. I had to use warm water to try and soften it before it came off.
Dd had no bobble in her hair and was walking round lifting up the front section so she could see. He’d given ds calpol but didn’t bother to check if he still actually had a temp. Ds had poo’d in his nappy and just been left.
I was completely disgusted at this point. He apologised and tried to brush it off as all happening in the 5 mins before I came down.
Finished at 4.30 and came down to find them still in pjs. I just despair. The batteries and back of the thermometer were missing, Dh said ds was playing with it. Thankfully they’re just AA batteries but still. What the fuck is he doing.

I realise this is completely inadequate but I feel like I need to tread carefully. If I push him out he will absolutely want to see the dc wherever he goes but I can’t allow it happen. He’s not neglecting them to the extent I think ss would deny unsupervised visits but it’s more than enough for me to not want them out my sight.

Also there was no evidence he’d be such a failure before we had kids. I just don’t know what to do. Incredibly he has a very respectable job, which in paper vs me and my mh issues ( nothing bad but diagnosed anxiety- mainly due to this) means I think he would be given access even if I refused,

Mainly just venting. Agh

@SpaceshiptoMars

Where do women get this mythical nanny training then?

I don't know about your childhood, but most girls in mine looked after children in the family as part of growing up. Then got paid for babysitting in their teens. Along with being given dolls to 'care for' - so learning some basic elements of childcare from very, very young.

Seen as though I have no younger siblings and was the youngest in the extended family then nope, and I had a part time job in a cafe so nothing to do with babysitting- I don't know any of my friends who were babysitters or who were any more involved in caring for relatives than the boys. Personally I didn't learn any elements of caring for a real baby like wiping bogeys up from a doll . Many women are like myself and their first foray into caring for a baby is their own in their 20s and 30s, there is nothing stopping men from doing the same and learning on the job and applying common sense.

What he's doing isn't acceptable at all.

You wouldn't put up with it from a childminder and a childcare centre would be concerned a child being brought in dirty.
So why is it acceptable to put up with from a child's very own father?

He does know how to do these things. He knows how to wipe his own nose, put on clean clothes.

Spill some sticky cordial down the front of his shirt one weekend and tell him to sit around it it for hours and see how he likes it.

I also bet he'd notice very very quickly if you stopped doing all the things you do for him on a regular basis.

Oops forgot the laundry. Oops folded up you dirty socks and put them back in the drawer mismatched. Oops forgot to make dinner as there was the funniest all star 4 hour cat video on youtube I couldn't miss.

When he asks about the things, you can smile sweetly and say, Oopsie Daisy!

@BertieBotts it’s not OPs job to educate the deadbeat as well as picking up his slack. The neglecter should be desperate to stop failing, as I said, but he’s doing fuck all.

My ex is like this. Utterly useless & borderline neglectful of their needs. It's an incredibly difficult situation to be in to send the dc at weekends.

My dc are a bit older than yours, so they know not to put random things in their mouths etc. i educate them as far as I can on being safe at home.

I do worry to some extent when they are with him, but not like if they were toddlers. Once his cheating & alcohol abuse were thrown into the mix, I just couldn't just stay with him any longer. I held out of a few years but not sure if that was Beneficial.

He found a new gf pretty quickly & pretty much only sees the DC with her there to supervise.

So this is a few more things on the list I've kept. Some recent, some from a while ago. This isn't just anxiety, this is poor parenting. I'm definitely more of a worrier by nature but not excessively. I genuinely worry when he's alone and tbh actually grateful in a way he doesn't take them anywhere.

Ds had friction burn on his back- 4 inches x 1 inch. Unexplained while in dh care. Suspected pulled along carpet while changing nappy.

• dd left looking through some stone spindles at a national trust place. 3/4m drop on other side. He didn't notice, I shouted over and two volunteers at the bottom positioned themselves to catch her. It was paving at the bottom. He was on his phone at the top of the stairs. Thankfully she pulled herself back through to the other side.

• walking dd down stairs but behind her age 1, he'd asked if he should let her and I said yeah just make sure she doesn't fall. I walked in to living room and couldn't believe it. He was upright had no hand on her but claimed she was safe

• unable to fasten car seat seatbelts and tighten appropriately

• told me to have shower when dd was 4 weeks old.

Falls asleep with her balanced on lap. -- this one we were both exhausted and I know it happens but I still think he couldve put her in her basket which was literally infront of him

Shaking dds head side to side- says playing but not appropriate behaviour. - this was recent not a baby to clarify but just weird.

• span dd around as baby (probably 10/11mo) while holding her in his arms - witnessed by my parents. He was pivoting on one foot and doing a spin as fast as he could saying she liked it. She didn't.

• 30/12 asked to check on kids before we went to sleep. Asked If dd was OK, first night own room after hospital admission for uti. Said yes, gut said to check myself - she was dripping in sweat. Dh said he just did a quick check and didn't notice, if he wasn't good enough I should do it myself. Which I will from now.

• didn't give antibiotics when I was at work. Claimed to have forgotten and it was my job.

Same for lactulose for dd constipation. I have to remind him if I'm at work and usually get a snarky response about checking up on him

• feeding birds with dd while I held ds. He moved backwards and allowed dd to be surrounded by swans. At which point he couldn't get back so I had to move through the birds to get dd who was now crying as he refused to walk through them.

• left stair gate open at top of stairs, I noticed despite working as ds was laying down head first over first step

• fingertip bruises ds leg from holding him during nappy changes. Claims didn't know he was being too firm. Ds is very strong and does thrash around but I've not once left a mark.

• children refuse to let him provide comfort, or care even with encouragement from me

• shown no interest in admin for children re doctors, nursery, school application.

Yesterday was just another day. Thank you to everyone who gets it, its easy to say its just snot or just a dirty top. But I guarantee if he spilt milk down himself he would change his own top. It would awful being damp for so long. Same with the snot, I really wish I'd taken a photo because I'm not exaggerating. His nose is like a tap at the minute. It was still gloopy on his cheeks and hard underneath. It really was disgraceful and it was like layers of snot that had built up. It definitely wasn't just a bit of snot,he hadn't once wiped it he's since admitted.

He didn't come back down last night and I didn't go up. Once the kids are in bed tonight I'm going to sit him down and go through the points above and set some clear minimum standards. He'll probably make out he's the victim and I'm doing my best to put him down.

We did used to have a great relationship, we both do chores equally in relation to hours worked. Though similarly he can do dishes and the plates are still half dirty so maybe he is just not bothered in general. Issue is since having kids I don't have the time or energy to compensate

@Imanidiotiknow I think you've left your daughters name In your most recent post.

I can't believe you've been keeping a list like this. If I found out that my DH was monitoring and tracking my behaviour to the point of recording when I'd fallen asleep accidentally when exhausted with my newborn...I'd absolutely leave. You are incredibly controlling and you need help.

I don’t think you are controlling at all. That man is a liability and a danger to your precious children. I would be terrified to leave them alone with the useless lazy man.

OP, what is the money situation like? Why are you using DH as childcare? Can you share care with friends?

You've got yourself in a negative loop with you acting harsh parent to him and him acting like a child. You both need to get back to thinking in adult - it sounds like you had a good relationship prior to the children, so if you both go to counselling, it is there to return to. Even if you split up, you will still need to co-parent. And he will not be single for long.

Can you install a camera to keep an eye on things while you're working?

Has he ever had a pet or anything to take care of?
Not an excuse though.

I would be asking him why he hasn't learned anything in the years since the DC were born and why he doesn't seem to be interested in learning.

The more you say, it's almost like he doesn't recognise them as living beings.

My DD was married to a man who she was afraid to leave the kids with. She was planning on staying until they were 18!

She got a shit hot lawyer and got divorced from him.
All his blustering about full custody for him was just that. He lost interest fast and sees them about 2x a year for a weekend supervised.

I suspect that will happen too. He'll show up for a few photos to show off to his friends and fuck off the rest of the time.

You and your DC deserve much better!

@Tidlo

I can't believe you've been keeping a list like this. If I found out that my DH was monitoring and tracking my behaviour to the point of recording when I'd fallen asleep accidentally when exhausted with my newborn...I'd absolutely leave. You are incredibly controlling and you need help.

I vehemently disagree. It's not controlling to want your husband to stop staring at his phone while his small child is teetering at the edge of a 12 foot drop!

Reading that list, it honestly sounds like he has some sort of intellectual impairment. If he genuinely can't see anything wrong in these situations and he can't comprehend when his kids are at risk of injury (or worse), he simply shouldn't be left in charge of them. I know that's not practical, OP, because you have to work but fucking hell, those examples are scary.

I think you should continue to keep this diary so that when you leave, you'll have a comprehensive record of why he is not suitable for unsupervised visits.

@Tidlo

I can't believe you've been keeping a list like this. If I found out that my DH was monitoring and tracking my behaviour to the point of recording when I'd fallen asleep accidentally when exhausted with my newborn...I'd absolutely leave. You are incredibly controlling and you need help.

FFS.

She is doing this because it helps to see the range and frequency of his idiotic behaviours. Absolutely the right thing to do. I can't stand ludicrous posters like you who pick on one thing they didn't like, don't understand the situation and yet chip to unfairly criticise the OP.

I didn't start the list until recently. I've explained why. If we split I absolutely wouldn't trust him to look after them. I'd surely have to provide some sort of evidence to a solicitor to explain why I'd want supervised visits while they're so young. Hence the list.

I'm not controlling, he comes and goes to hobbies as he pleases, he sees his friends. He views me as a nag. So far nothing dangerously bad has actually happened so he doesn't seem to understand why I worry. He doesn't understand that all the near misses are only good fortune on dcs part and any of them couldve gone wrong with real consequences for the kids.

OP, coming back to the main topic, you're doing the right thing keeping the diary. This will also help with your anxiety management.

If he pulls his weight in around the house and you had a better relationship pre-DCs then there's hope. Although I note you said now with DCs you've no energy to compensate for him which implies you had to compensate before too but you had more time and energy. If you think about it, how was it really pre-DCs? And when you say he does his fair share around the house, can you tell us in a bit more detail?

I would say if you can have an honest conversation and also tell him about how it's having such a big impact on your health, there's hope. Maybe he will tell you if he's struggling with something too.

But if he's presenting the same attitude in other areas of your life then it's time to plan your exit. xx

Well done for keeping the list. Completely understand why you’re doing this. You’re not over reacting or controlling, strange that people think this. Oh and a dirty nappy isn’t just a risk for nappy rash but also UTI’s particularly if a girl. Don’t know why people are going out of their way to minimise his behaviour.

@Imanidiotiknow
I can see why you have concerns over his care of your DC. Do you still love him? And do you want to continue your relationship with him?

Jesus Christ. That list of things is appalling. I wouldn’t leave a dog in his care, much less a child. What a fucking twat. I know someone just like that and his wife is so eroded by years of pandering to his moods and sulks that she only rarely goes off on one at him so he gets away with it. The older child learned to entertain herself for hours but the younger one just sits on his phone just like his bloody father, which is having obvious developmental issues already.

@Tidlo

I can't believe you've been keeping a list like this. If I found out that my DH was monitoring and tracking my behaviour to the point of recording when I'd fallen asleep accidentally when exhausted with my newborn...I'd absolutely leave. You are incredibly controlling and you need help.

Would you also expect him to ignore if you left bruises on your child?

Bruising a child during a nappy change is a whole other ball game. That is physical abuse. If you get evidence of him doing that again you could feesibly stop unsupervised contact.

Oh god that list is awful OP - your poor children sound like they are at real risk. Can you call the NSPC and ask them advice on what to do? I imagine you hardly want to self report to social services but it does sound like he needs to be reported. Good luck

I was going to write a post about how for many men it just doesn't come naturally to look after small children. They can be great fathers to older children, and do want to have a family, but just can't handle the little ones. So it is a great shame that our society is set up in such a way that so many women have to work and can't be SAHM when they want to.

But then I read this:

he can do dishes and the plates are still half dirty so maybe he is just not bothered in general

This is called strategic incompetence. He deliberately does it badly so that you stop asking him to do it.

Leave - sooner rather than later. He won't want to look after them by himself, so he will only do it when his mum/new girlfriend is available.

@BertieBotts

Men like this don't really want childcare IME.

A good strategy can just be to leave ASAP while the kids are still young enough you can make an excuse of "let's wait until they are older" for overnights.

Then just be vague about contact and leave it entirely up to him, tell him you think it's best you all take a couple of weeks initially to get settled and then he can take them out for the afternoon at the weekend. Be clear that contact will not take place at your house. Those are the only two hard boundaries that you set. Do not get involved in solving problems like "But where should I take them?"

Then leave it up to him to arrange everything. He will at first, because he'll want to look good. Any time he enquires about contact, respond with openness but no actual arranging - just replies like "No problem, let me know when you're free". "Any time - let me know what you think"

It's highly likely that once he gets past the first flush of "I'm a single dad woe is me look at how brave I am looking after my own children" and he realises nobody cares any more, his appointments to see them will get further and further apart as he waits for you to arrange it for him and you...don't. He may even take them to see his female family members, who will probably badger him for contact, because he doesn't like looking after them alone, so there will be another adult there anyway.

This is excellent advice. He may have wanted children, but only as a couple with you doing the actual parenting. He won't want them if he has to do it himself.

Why are you putting up with this? Your children need you to fight for them to keep them safe. Sorry OP but if you cannot trust him to be safe around your children, what are you waiting to happen before you decide to leave?

Some people don’t change, children are much better off away from a parent than growing up with their neglect and abuse.

@Movingonup22

Oh god that list is awful OP - your poor children sound like they are at real risk. Can you call the NSPC and ask them advice on what to do? I imagine you hardly want to self report to social services but it does sound like he needs to be reported. Good luck

Do you honestly not understand that nobody will do anything ? That poor child who was murdered by the mother‘s girlfriend Star was covered bruises and that wasn’t enough of the threshold for intervention.