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Original poster

Not invited to MIL Mother's Day meal

243 replies

Mamas123 · 22/03/2022 19:31

Basically what the title says... I haven't been invited for a weekend away or meal for Mother's Day by in laws?

Back story: I didn't attend SIL wedding as I had a sickness bug. I apologised and I was truly gutted that I could not attend. But ever since then, I have not had any contact with them (we usually message etc) and now I'm not invited to Mother's Day? My OH has been.

I don't know how to feel about this or what to do. How would you feel and would you say anything to OH or SIL or MIL?

OP posts:
slashlover · 23/03/2022 12:46

Maybe because they invited themselves for Christmas and Easter at OP’s for 5 years?

Their son also lived there for those 5 years, how long after moving in does the property change from being thought of as being OPs to theirs?

Turningpurple · 23/03/2022 12:51

Really confused about the 'invited themselves for the last 5 years' and 'forced themselves on her'

Op refused (rightly) last year. The year before we limited on numbers at Christmas. Op also mentions that they did it before lock down.

So it's not 5. It's 3 at most. And given Op admits she has been desperate to have them think of her as family it's entirely likely that they didn't force themselves. But that it was an actual discussion. Now Op sees it as forcing themselves because she is mad and upset. I am guessing at the time, she enjoyed it.

Its really not unusual for families to decide together, where Christmas will be spent and decide on holding it in the biggest house.

And let's be honest, most people would not invite their brothers girlfriend, if she had recently kicked him out. Plus avoided the last 2 family events. I think op was right to kick him out and avoid the events. But it's not hard to see their point of view.

And then we are assuming that it's not him that has said 'I don't want her there'.

NowEvenBetter · 23/03/2022 13:58

A whole load of analysing over nothing really. Why not enjoy life, unburdened by young kids and on-off boyfriend?

Lambkin689 · 23/03/2022 14:02

@girlmom21 not necessarily - cohabiting alone can leave a lot of room for ambiguity and uncertainty about whether the couple are to be treated as a unit.

NowEvenBetter · 23/03/2022 14:06

From your other threads, you didn’t even like him when you were together, so no need to cling on to him and his relatives.

impossible · 23/03/2022 14:06

I wonder if you think of this man as your OH - when he clearly isn't - because you think you need another half to make you complete. This is a normal feeling because children really do need someone to make them whole and feel safe (to literally keep them alive).

I don't know if you felt safe growing up but the beauty of now is that you are an accomplished and loved adult. Your safe place is within yourself and anyone you have a relationship with in future should be an addition to your life, not a necessity.

I think the hardest thing for you is to find this safe place inside yourself and believe in it. Other people can tell you but you need to find it yourself. Could you afford counselling to help you make sense of things as you transition through the coming months? Even once a fortnight would be useful if once a week is too expensive. Look on counselling-directory as all counsellors on there should have recognised qualifications and if you do try this make sure you are happy with the person you find. Otherwise look for another.

Now really is an opportunity for you to begin to blossom as yourself, supported by those that love and know you for who you truly are.

girlmom21 · 23/03/2022 14:24

[quote Lambkin689]@girlmom21 not necessarily - cohabiting alone can leave a lot of room for ambiguity and uncertainty about whether the couple are to be treated as a unit.[/quote]
Only if they allow for that uncertainty. In this case, they have, but not through lack of a marriage certificate

Drinkingallthewine · 23/03/2022 15:11

Looks like your ex is a bit of a shithead and his family hoped that a nice, solvent, capable woman would take him on -and that at worst, he would be off their hands and at best, become a bit more of a grown up himself.

I've seen the relationships where people think marriage would change someone. It's always a disaster. And one where the woman was like you, loved being part of a big close family that she never had herself. Their eventual divorce hurt so much more because she wasn't just divorcing him, she had to give up the family connection as well in order to healthily move on for herself and that hurt far more than the divorce.

Marriage is just a day out, a legal status change and some new jewellery but it does not change the fundamentals of a relationship or how the two treat each other. Similarly with a baby - in fact a baby is added stress in a relationship that's struggling to be successful and only highlights the cracks that were previously there. But that doesn't stop people from hoping that if a man marries a nice woman and has a child he'll cop on and stop being the family dickhead.

You were on a break to see if he would buck up and he hasn't so it's time to cut him loose once and for all, and follow your dream.

Original poster
Mamas123 · 23/03/2022 20:07

@Ourlady thank you xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamas123 · 23/03/2022 20:09

@ComtesseDeSpair I was invited to family events way before we lived together

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamas123 · 23/03/2022 20:14

@YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp

They are complete cheeky fuckers for inviting themselves to yours for Christmas, Easter etc for 5 years

This. You’re good enough for them when it suits aren’t you? Honestly OP, you can do so much better than be sponged off by these parasites. They even want you to take their son off their hands, why’s that? Because no one else would have him.

It actually makes me feel a bit sick about how they all treat you, and you’re too kind hearted and generous - they really are disgusting individuals.

Onwards and upwards, your future is massively more inviting without them!
🤗💐

Thank you xx
OP posts:
Original poster
Mamas123 · 23/03/2022 20:15

@EthelTheAardvark

Gone one step further and asked his sister what time the meal is?!

Has either of them replied?

He said he wasn't sure if I'm invited. And she said that it's not a massive think and it's just them all going that her partner isn't going but my oh said her partner is
OP posts:
Original poster
Mamas123 · 23/03/2022 20:17

@Drinkingallthewine

Looks like your ex is a bit of a shithead and his family hoped that a nice, solvent, capable woman would take him on -and that at worst, he would be off their hands and at best, become a bit more of a grown up himself.

I've seen the relationships where people think marriage would change someone. It's always a disaster. And one where the woman was like you, loved being part of a big close family that she never had herself. Their eventual divorce hurt so much more because she wasn't just divorcing him, she had to give up the family connection as well in order to healthily move on for herself and that hurt far more than the divorce.

Marriage is just a day out, a legal status change and some new jewellery but it does not change the fundamentals of a relationship or how the two treat each other. Similarly with a baby - in fact a baby is added stress in a relationship that's struggling to be successful and only highlights the cracks that were previously there. But that doesn't stop people from hoping that if a man marries a nice woman and has a child he'll cop on and stop being the family dickhead.

You were on a break to see if he would buck up and he hasn't so it's time to cut him loose once and for all, and follow your dream.

Yes I feel I was pushed to him by his family so he wasn't their problem anymore
OP posts:
Jellybean23 · 23/03/2022 23:33

Don't marry him, whatever you do. He will be entitled to a share of your house for starters. You aren't suited to each other , he and his family are not bringing you happiness.

While you carry on with the charade that he is your partner, you are being held back from finding true happiness. It's time to finish with him and go your own way.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 23/03/2022 23:38

Yeah, ditch him - and the Family Grimm.
Seriously.
I'd just tell him it's over by text and that would be the end of it.

Nelliephant1 · 23/03/2022 23:43

@Bananarama21

You were almost married but you don't live together? Doesn't sound like a normal set up.
Lots of people don't live together before they get married. 😳
springbreak22 · 24/03/2022 00:02

I can't understand why you are frantic about going out for Mother's Day with a guy who you are on the verge of splitting up with rather than your own children?

Original poster
Mamas123 · 24/03/2022 00:08

@springbreak22 my children would also have been invited as we are a whole and always have been. Just odd that I'm not invited when I have always been before from the very start of our relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamas123 · 24/03/2022 00:12

@Jellybean23 I understand what you have said 💯 it's my home and FIL have our own thoughts on changes to it (which I did find weird but went with it as they were paying for changes). I guess I'm very easily lead and shouldn't have allowed myself to have been. I'm not mentally strong and to laid back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamas123 · 24/03/2022 00:14

@GiantHaystacks2021 I dint think I could do that over text... maybe I'm old fashioned but I would rather speak face to face

OP posts:
Zonder · 24/03/2022 05:34

[quote Mamas123]@springbreak22 my children would also have been invited as we are a whole and always have been. Just odd that I'm not invited when I have always been before from the very start of our relationship [/quote]
It's not odd when you look at the changes in the last month. They don't see you as his partner any more.

And I wouldn't worry about breaking up with him face to face. I really do think he has checked out. And looking at your other thread I'm not sure he ever checked in.

bemusedmoose · 24/03/2022 17:39

Your OH lives with his married sister!?!?! Is this not weird?

Honestly if they are that petty it's time to leave them behind to their weird ways. If they can hold a grudge over you being ill and treat you like this - imagine if something serious actually happened! Cut your losses and find a man that can stand on his own too feet and stand up for you too.

YorkshireRog · 24/03/2022 17:40

I just don’t think I would worry about this. Families are different. My family is absolutely useless and tbh I think we would all assume other halves wouldn’t want to come to eg our mum’s Mother’s Day. Might be nothing personal at all. See it as a free day where you get to go and do something nice on your own.

Nanny0gg · 24/03/2022 17:43

@lborgia has given excellent advice there.

Nanny0gg · 24/03/2022 17:44

@YorkshireRog

I just don’t think I would worry about this. Families are different. My family is absolutely useless and tbh I think we would all assume other halves wouldn’t want to come to eg our mum’s Mother’s Day. Might be nothing personal at all. See it as a free day where you get to go and do something nice on your own.
That isn't the same situation and it really does look very personal.

The OP is best off out of the relationship altogether

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