Not invited to MIL Mother's Day meal

[Mamas123]

Basically what the title says... I haven't been invited for a weekend away or meal for Mother's Day by in laws?

Back story: I didn't attend SIL wedding as I had a sickness bug. I apologised and I was truly gutted that I could not attend. But ever since then, I have not had any contact with them (we usually message etc) and now I'm not invited to Mother's Day? My OH has been.

I don't know how to feel about this or what to do. How would you feel and would you say anything to OH or SIL or MIL?

His family sound like the family of my DD's ex, they were just relieved to have someone to off load him onto. They've normalised his behaviour and they've all convinced you that you should carry on were they left off. As said on your other thread, this is an abusive relationship, just different from the abuse you've suffered in the past. He does nothing for you or your children. What value does he add to your life? They wanted you to have a baby so you are stuck with him. You need to walk away from him.

You are too hard on yourself OP. You have brought up two children, you have a comfortable home, you have good friends, you are appreciated by your employers and you have ambitions. You should be proud of your achievements and you have done all this while being good hearted and generous. No wonder you are well liked. You sound lovely.

Families aren't determined by size - their value is in the support they give. Another baby with the wrong person will increase the numbers in your family but won't bring you happiness. You are right to decide not to do that. Focus instead on your dream to be a teacher, your children and your friends. It's often said that friends are the family you choose - in time life will open up and you will make more.

I'm sorry you don't have parents but you no longer need to define yourself as a motherless child. You are accomplished and loved and you don't need to make do with someone who's not good enough for you . It's your time now.

@impossible

You are too hard on yourself OP. You have brought up two children, you have a comfortable home, you have good friends, you are appreciated by your employers and you have ambitions. You should be proud of your achievements and you have done all this while being good hearted and generous. No wonder you are well liked. You sound lovely.

Families aren't determined by size - their value is in the support they give. Another baby with the wrong person will increase the numbers in your family but won't bring you happiness. You are right to decide not to do that. Focus instead on your dream to be a teacher, your children and your friends. It's often said that friends are the family you choose - in time life will open up and you will make more.

I'm sorry you don't have parents but you no longer need to define yourself as a motherless child. You are accomplished and loved and you don't need to make do with someone who's not good enough for you . It's your time now.

@impossible thank you soooo much for this!!! You are talking to me like I would talk to someone in my position! It's so much harder to talk to yourself in the position of someone else (if that makes sense) - I would say this this someone if that someone wasn't myself! THANK YOU! I will read this when I have a clearer head. Thank You xx

@Ponoka7

His family sound like the family of my DD's ex, they were just relieved to have someone to off load him onto. They've normalised his behaviour and they've all convinced you that you should carry on were they left off. As said on your other thread, this is an abusive relationship, just different from the abuse you've suffered in the past. He does nothing for you or your children. What value does he add to your life? They wanted you to have a baby so you are stuck with him. You need to walk away from him.

This sounds so like the same that you had to experience in your life! Thank you for making me not feel so alone! I need to be my own best friend and know that all this isn't worth it. They have let him be "who he is" that's not acceptable in my life! I kno what I want and what he brings to my life is added stress and his family are not worth it. I have my own little family and I shouldn't tolerate what any of them bring to it. I want happiness for me and my children (adult children etc) and for them to know...Love

I have to agree with many posters that it sounds as though his family were just happy to have you take him off their hands!

And then they could use your kindness and your home to their own advantage.

But now you have reneged on that deal in 3 ways:

1. not having them over to yours at Christmas (Covid? Pffft, minor detail!)
2. not going to SIL's wedding thereby showing you are not "family" (Throwing up all day? Irrelevant! Should have come with a bucket!)
3. throwing their worthless son back into their care, or at least his sister's, showing that you are not as entrenched in his welfare as you should be.

So they're punishing you now. I'd take this as a blessing in disguise for sure and say "Hey, since you clearly no longer see me as family, I'm happy to disappear out of all your lives - so long and good bye!"

And dump the lot of them. But especially him, obviously.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

I have to agree with many posters that it sounds as though his family were just happy to have you take him off their hands!

And then they could use your kindness and your home to their own advantage.

But now you have reneged on that deal in 3 ways:

1. not having them over to yours at Christmas (Covid? Pffft, minor detail!)
2. not going to SIL's wedding thereby showing you are not "family" (Throwing up all day? Irrelevant! Should have come with a bucket!)
3. throwing their worthless son back into their care, or at least his sister's, showing that you are not as entrenched in his welfare as you should be.

So they're punishing you now. I'd take this as a blessing in disguise for sure and say "Hey, since you clearly no longer see me as family, I'm happy to disappear out of all your lives - so long and good bye!"

And dump the lot of them. But especially him, obviously.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad This is everything I think of I just don't have the balls to say it or do it! But I really do hope I have the confidence to do it! I've asked him to ask if I'm invited... Gone one step further and asked his sister what time the meal is?! Waiting for a reply from the both of them... After that will see what reply is.. if they kindly invite me (after me asking) then no doubt I will probably decline the invitation as I've only been invited because I've had the guts to ask. I don't want to be there if it's as a gesture because I've asked for it. It will only show me that I'm only invited because I've asked and that because I nor my my children are wanted! Then I guess I should just end it😔 What's the point in me feeling like this... was better off mentally on my own before falling in love with him and living his family

Why would you essentially invite yourself along? It’s obvious you have an on again off again relationship, you don’t live together, it could be seen as questionable as to current status. So, you are not an in-law as such and at this point the term girlfriend would be questionable and loose. So you don’t get an invite. Then you try and invite yourself with the aim of not going? Madness.

Gone one step further and asked his sister what time the meal is?!
Waiting for a reply from the both of them...

Nooo! Please say you didn't do this. You have agreed with pp saying that they no longer see you as part of the family, and that you need to accept OH is actually EX now and then you go and try to get yourself invited to the meal.

You really need to get some self respect and walk away. This is not going to give you anything positive.

Please take control of your own situation and just end it with him now. You don't even need to tell him you're ending it as it sounds like he has already checked out. Just delete him from your contacts and take on board what @lborgia and others have said. Get on with your life.

I've asked him to ask if I'm invited...
Gone one step further and asked his sister what time the meal is?!
Waiting for a reply from the both of them...
After that will see what reply is..
if they kindly invite me (after me asking) then no doubt I will probably decline the invitation as I've only been invited because I've had the guts to ask. I don't want to be there if it's as a gesture because I've asked for it.

Why are you playing stupid games with them? Asking to be invited just so you can turn them down. They probably see you as their brother's/son's ex so why would they invite you to anything?

I don't think them going to yours at Christmas was them using you as you were living with their son/brother at the time and were part of the family. If/when you split up of course they will probably cut contact with you.

Waiting for a reply from the both of them...
After that will see what reply is..
if they kindly invite me (after me asking) then no doubt I will probably decline the invitation as I've only been invited because I've had the guts to ask. I don't want to be there if it's as a gesture because I've asked for it.

This is a toxic mess and I suspect, you also display that behaviour.

You are trying to force an invitation you say you dont want so you can decline it.

That's not waking up, its not strength or putting yourself first. It's trying to create more drama.

As it stands in the last 4 months, you decided to not have them over for Christmas, didnt attend the wedding and then kicked their son out. I am not saying your shouldn't have done those things. You should have.

It may be that they are trying to punish you. Or it maybe that, simply, they know the relationship is on its way out/ over so are stepping back.

My mum is dead, I get wanting to try and recreate something. But yih are an adult with kids. You can't be dragging your kids into messes like this. For their sake just end it and walk away.

Honestly, if my brothers girlfriend started distancing herself then kicked him out, I would be thinking it's done. At most I would probably say to my brother 'I am arranging X. What's going on with your girlfriend? Is she likely to come do you want to invite her?' And I would be warning him I didn't want any drama.

I wouldn't take a boyfriend that had kicked me out a month before. Wether we were working on it or not.

You pulled away, which I think yiu were right to do, and so are they. But dont try and stir more trouble out of this.

I think you need to forget him and his family.
You are at the perfect time now to go for your career.

An adult and a teen is great.No baby to hold you back.
Grab this with both hands and do what you want to do.

Forget Mother's Day with them and plan something special with your own kids

You didn't go to his sisters wedding and then he went to live with her in the space of a few weeks. I don't think id have invited you.

But - you know you're too good for him.
He was willing for you to put your career on hold so he could have a child with no consideration for what you wanted.
He's purposely excluding you.
You're not a team.

You and your children deserve more.

I see you as someone who has raised 2 children, has their own home and career. You have a dream you want to accomplish.

I see you as having all this love to give and wanting love back.

Maybe this love isn't meant to come from someone incapable of giving it? a flaky dirty lazy guy like your ex.
Have you made a list of all the bad traits, bad things he's said or done to you? It's a good way to see things as they really are.

You are a family with your children! By becoming a teacher, you'll be able to give to those who truly need and deserve it. You have a chance to impact their lives so when their old and someone asks if they had a favourite teacher, they are going to say your name.

Imagine that for a moment.

I found this a couple weeks ago and it's comforting.
Hope you enjoy it.

Your posts read like you’re a naive 22 year old- not someone old enough to have teenage/grown up children. Do you not want to spend Mother’s Day with your own children? It massively sounds like you want to prioritise your on-off boyfriend’s family over them.

You have adult/teenage kids! I thought you were very young. No way have a baby! Just dump him with dignity.

Why did you ask BF and his sister if you're invited, then if you force an invite will reject it?

Sorry OP but that just sounds like teenage behaviour.

From what you have told us, within a short amount of time, you couldn't go to BF"s sis wedding (for the right reasons) and you have asked your BF to move out. You also have no idea what BF has told his family about your relationship status. Just from that I am not sure I would be inviting you to a family meal.

Just organise a mother's day meal with your own DC. Forget mother's day with family, concentrate on your own DC

May I ask how old you are ?
You seem in a sad vulnerable place ....have you got colleagues that can help you look forward ?
Are you seeing your children in Mother's Day ...have they got something planned for you ??
Do you have a good solid circle of friends ?

@Bananarama21

You were almost married but you don't live together? Doesn't sound like a normal set up.

It’s normal in some cultures.

They are complete cheeky fuckers for inviting themselves to yours for Christmas, Easter etc for 5 years.

Stop inviting them from now on.

The fact that your OH intends to go to this meal even though you have been excluded says he values his family above you.

Has there been a response to your texts? What did OH say when you asked him to ask them to invite you?

But now I'm in my job and they are willing for me to become my teacher career.

This doesn’t quite make sense. Can I ask who ‘they’ is? Are you a qualified teacher?

I would focus on separating fully from this odd man and his toxic family, and focusing on yourself and where you want to be. See your own kids for Mother’s Day, not your ex-boyfriend’s mum!

Are you married to her so or co-habiting? That makes a big difference.

It's an on and off relationship. I'd guess your on / off partner isn't fussed about wanting you there, or his family don't want the drama

@Lambkin689

Are you married to her so or co-habiting? That makes a big difference.

OP has stated that they are engaged and were due to be married last year, she asked him to move out a few months ago.

@Lambkin689

Are you married to her so or co-habiting? That makes a big difference.

No it doesn't. If you're co-habiting you're in a committed relationship, generally.