Not invited to MIL Mother's Day meal

[Mamas123]

Basically what the title says... I haven't been invited for a weekend away or meal for Mother's Day by in laws?

Back story: I didn't attend SIL wedding as I had a sickness bug. I apologised and I was truly gutted that I could not attend. But ever since then, I have not had any contact with them (we usually message etc) and now I'm not invited to Mother's Day? My OH has been.

I don't know how to feel about this or what to do. How would you feel and would you say anything to OH or SIL or MIL?

“We are taking things slow” there is taking things slow and there is going backwards………..

Is SIL's other half invited?

If my brother was living with me as relationship on rocks I wouldn't want the drama at mothers day. Sil hasn't even said you aren't invited she is probably left it up to your boyfriend to decide as she doesn't know what the situation is.

It doesn't sound like he thinks he's in a relationship with you any more and nor do his family. Time to move on.

We've been together 5 years and we was meant to get married last year and try for a baby??? I don't have a family of my own

But you split up and aren't living with him. They simply aren't your family.

I think it’s too late to listen to their first opinions, but if you could go back, and hear again, when they said “you’re too good for him”. They told you, they ACTUALLY told you, that he’s a drop kick.

You sound lost, and sad, and anxious, and none of that will get better whilst you live in this fantasy world where he is your way in to a “proper family”, and babies, and security, and being a mum.

I’m so sorry, lovely, but really, you are being deluded. I know I sound mean, but you are being incredibly naive - not your fault btw - and you need to find someone to talk to, and help you learn about boundaries, and self-worth, and what a real family looks like.

I know I’m projecting massively, but the minute you said your mum wasn’t around, I went with it. I think you desperately want a proper cosy family and they made you think they were it. They’re not. He’s not.

It sucks, he’s horrible to keep you hanging on, but you keep focusing on the wrong thing. This is nothing to do with them, nothing to do with SIL, nothing to do with you being sick, and annoying someone.

YOU did an amazing thing in telling him what you deserve, and HE has done nothing but prove you right.

Are you OK in terms of job, housing etc.? Look at that stuff, ocncentrate on that stuff, and friends. Have you friends? Work mates? Anyone you can start spending a bit more time talking to? Can you liven up your social life a bit?

Start seeing this as an opportunity to work on what you want your life to be like, and don’t expect it to all come right when you’ve a bloke in your life.

Make a life you’re happy with, get used to not having someone around (5 years is a long time), and then, see about finding a man who feels the way he should about you?

TBH, you don’t even sound that bothered about your boyfriend. As in, all this posting, and at no point have you mentioned missing him, wanting him to come over and discuss it. Sometimes boyfriends are a habit. Difficult to break, but once they’re gone,and you’ve recovered, you can’t remember why you needed them so much.

I hope I haven’t upset you, saying you sound a bit lost, and feel free to disagree, but you made an amazing start by making him move out. Time for the next step. Compared to getting him to move out, saying it’s properly over shouldn’t be so bad?

Good luck!

@Phantom1

Is SIL's other half invited?

Yes

@Sally872

If my brother was living with me as relationship on rocks I wouldn't want the drama at mothers day. Sil hasn't even said you aren't invited she is probably left it up to your boyfriend to decide as she doesn't know what the situation is.

This is what I would do as SIL

@lborgia

I think it’s too late to listen to their first opinions, but if you could go back, and hear again, when they said “you’re too good for him”. They told you, they ACTUALLY told you, that he’s a drop kick.

You sound lost, and sad, and anxious, and none of that will get better whilst you live in this fantasy world where he is your way in to a “proper family”, and babies, and security, and being a mum.

I’m so sorry, lovely, but really, you are being deluded. I know I sound mean, but you are being incredibly naive - not your fault btw - and you need to find someone to talk to, and help you learn about boundaries, and self-worth, and what a real family looks like.

I know I’m projecting massively, but the minute you said your mum wasn’t around, I went with it. I think you desperately want a proper cosy family and they made you think they were it. They’re not. He’s not.

It sucks, he’s horrible to keep you hanging on, but you keep focusing on the wrong thing. This is nothing to do with them, nothing to do with SIL, nothing to do with you being sick, and annoying someone.

YOU did an amazing thing in telling him what you deserve, and HE has done nothing but prove you right.

Are you OK in terms of job, housing etc.? Look at that stuff, ocncentrate on that stuff, and friends. Have you friends? Work mates? Anyone you can start spending a bit more time talking to? Can you liven up your social life a bit?

Start seeing this as an opportunity to work on what you want your life to be like, and don’t expect it to all come right when you’ve a bloke in your life.

Make a life you’re happy with, get used to not having someone around (5 years is a long time), and then, see about finding a man who feels the way he should about you?

TBH, you don’t even sound that bothered about your boyfriend. As in, all this posting, and at no point have you mentioned missing him, wanting him to come over and discuss it. Sometimes boyfriends are a habit. Difficult to break, but once they’re gone,and you’ve recovered, you can’t remember why you needed them so much.

I hope I haven’t upset you, saying you sound a bit lost, and feel free to disagree, but you made an amazing start by making him move out. Time for the next step. Compared to getting him to move out, saying it’s properly over shouldn’t be so bad?

Good luck!

@lborgia OMG! Thank you soooooo much for this! Xxxx you have literally told me what I feel deep inside in just soo scared and soo lovely to do this! I do know what I want. And I am capable of what I want to do in the future. I just have this NEED for a family that I do not have of my own (I do not have a mum or dad) but I have my children. And I have me. And I know what I want for my future and for my childrens... I just wanted someone with me. But I can get by without someone with me. I have friends and I have work friends (a lot of them have told me to move on my career... to become a teacher as I desperately want to be) I've just held it back as I thought I may be a mum again but maybe I shouldn't think this with my OH right now. And just go with what my future wants from me. Be the teacher that I want and know I can be. I have two children that are grown now so this is my time to make my career go further. Instead of having another baby (although t would like another) to a waste of space of a man!

@EthelTheAardvark

We've been together 5 years and we was meant to get married last year and try for a baby??? I don't have a family of my own

But you split up and aren't living with him. They simply aren't your family.

That's very true. I need to think of things "simply" like you

@Phantom1

Is SIL's other half invited?

Yes

@viques

“We are taking things slow” there is taking things slow and there is going backwards………..

True. We are going backwards on my request

@Phantom1

Is SIL's other half invited?

It is husband not OH, they got married (see first post) which is probably why he is invited. OP isn't married or living with her boyfriend. In fact they broke up and her boyfriend moved out (to live with that sister). OP doesn't seem to understand that this means family relations are not what they used to be and is still basing her entire relalationship on the past (nearly married but stopped), not the present, ie she is no longer considered "family". Its a horrible thing to suddenly face tbf

@Mamas123 - maybe you can borrow the laminator at school, and print off my post, and more importantly, your answer to it.

I know being a teacher is not the same as having your own children, but if you already have adult children, then you have had that joy, and maybe you need to find a new joy.

Oh, and STOP referring to him as OH!! He’s your ex. At least, everyone else thinks he is, and you know he should be.

You need some coaching with language and, I don’t know, self affirmation or something .

If you don’t have kids ot worry about right now, and you love your career, you are in a great position. Stop trying to fill the void with this person, and take even one evening to look up teacher training/what you might organise for when your kids come over etc etc…

If you’re good at teacher stuff (which makes you very lucky!), make yourself a timetable. Seriously. Plot out what you do each day, and look at all the acres of space you have to study, socialise, decorate your house. Whatever you want!!

I guess he, and the wedding, and his family, and thinking about a baby, fills every spare moment. Which is why you go off the deep end if it’s not going well.

You maybe one of those people for whom Covid actually provided a silver lining. Make the most of it.

You’ve said you don’t have a family, but you do. Your children.

Families don’t all come in huge sizes, living in each other’s pockets. It’s not how many of them there are, or how much time you spend together, it’s how they make you feel.

You have a family. One day you would like a husband. That’s a reasonable wish. But don’t confuse one for the other. He should be allowed into your family, not you settling because he comes with a large (over-involved) family read-made).

I’ll shut up now!

@lborgia I do have children of my own... one is an adult. One is a teenager. When I split with their father my thought was to so what was best for them and for me (my career as a teacher). But then I met him! And he wanted to marry and have a baby. I told him that this wasn't for me until I got my career as a teacher. Covid then hit! My teaching career became on hold. But now I'm in my job and they are willing for me to become my teacher career. I have told him that this is where I want to go. Having a baby would hold me back a few years. He is ok with this. But every time I see his family they ask when will a baby appear??? I am now not invited to a family gathering that I'm usual invited to. It makes me think that I'm just used as a task to see if my boyfriend was good enough to be a father etc by the boyfriends family...

Im glad I didn't be overcome by the feeling of being a mum again by this request. But I do feel so lonely and like im battling a battle that I shouldn't really be in (if that makes sense) my boyfriend isn't obviously the best person ti have a child with (as he's been babies by family) yet I feel
Like it's my fault that he's like this? But maybe it's his own family fault he is like this as he literally can't do anything without a woman's help?

@lborgia

You’ve said you don’t have a family, but you do. Your children.

Families don’t all come in huge sizes, living in each other’s pockets. It’s not how many of them there are, or how much time you spend together, it’s how they make you feel.

You have a family. One day you would like a husband. That’s a reasonable wish. But don’t confuse one for the other. He should be allowed into your family, not you settling because he comes with a large (over-involved) family read-made).

I’ll shut up now!

You are right I do have a family... just some people think that family means I have a mum and dad? I do not have that! My family is my and my two children! But others on this post think I have other family... I do not have that. So it's very hard as I want "other family" and when I thought was "other family" do not want me or my family to come to events after I couldn't attend 1 event after all the many events that they or I have arranged... it's hard to know/understand that that's it all gone

@lborgia covid was a silver blessing! I really do think this! Just the vulnerable side of me thinks that there's still a chance?

You know all the answers. Your giving the correct answers already.

You just don't trust your own judgement.

That's the thing to work on.

@lborgia

You know all the answers. Your giving the correct answers already.

You just don't trust your own judgement.

That's the thing to work on.

True... I need to have some self belief/self confidence? But I don't know where to start! I love my life. My kids... I have self confidence in what I want to do. But I don't have self love. That's what I need. But how?

Definitely don't let them invite themselves to yours any more.
Your family is your children, not your "boyfriend" and his weird family.
I'd ditch him and his family if it was me....

@TempNameChangexx

Definitely don't let them invite themselves to yours any more. Your family is your children, not your "boyfriend" and his weird family. I'd ditch him and his family if it was me....

I actually turned them down last Christmas (just gone) and since then they had been cold towards me... my home Is bigger than all of theirs so my home is better for Xmas which I had hosted the last few years before that before covid! We have been on holidays before with them (oh always offers them and they always come) I've baby sitted for SIL. I only just didn't go to wedding because I was sick! 2 time out of all the times we've all done things together! Now I'm not invited to Mother's Day!

HAVE I BEEN MADE A FOOL BY OH AND IN-LAWS?just because I own my home and it's bigger for family gatherings? Because I'm too caring (they always say it's the Nans last Christmas etc? Although t she's been here the last 4years since?) I know that's so rude! But I do feel like I'm being used for my home and kindness? They wanted me to have a kid with my boyfriend and get married even though they've said their said that he needs to grow up! I feel like I'm just his carer???

Ok, I'm going to take a step back @Mamas123, but good luck!