How do I approach my sis? She’s ruining her life

[WhoopsyDaisy1]

Long ramble but don’t want to have to drip feed.

She doesn’t work and is on benefits. Has 2DC, one at primary school and one who is not yet at school age. She doesn’t drive and so a walk to drop off DC to school takes about 25 mins and so 4/5 times during the week she relies on everybody else to take DC to school and pick him up. Whether it be our mum, her friends, distant friends, me and so on... If she can’t find anyone to take him (she relies so heavily on favours that she’s exhausted all of her options now) then she will either take a taxi or leaves him off school. His attendance is atrocious and he loves school which is heartbreaking.

Her house is an absolute tip because ‘she has no energy to tidy’ and all she does is sleep or lay on the sofa. Her DC2 is awake at night because they nap so much throughout the day and then she uses it as an excuse to not get up in the morning to take DC1 to school and it’s a never ending cycle.

Even on a bright and sunny day she will just stay indoors and sleep/nap/do nothing.

She says she feels unwell pretty much every day yet if it’s the weekend/half term she’s absolutely fine and is never too unwell to go out drinking or socialise if the opportunity is there.

Her partner works and comes home and the house is a mess, my sis is asleep or looks a state (that sounds harsh but she really does - has put on a lot of weight and makes no effort in her appearance) and will still be in her PJs and so I feel like their relationship is really being affected. Her partner is struggling having to do the school run after work, tidy the house, get dinner, make dinner etc when she’s been at home all day. He has made passing comments to our mum.

She is on meds for depression which I sympathise with but also think she’s got herself into a rut now and uses her MH as an excuse to do jack shit.

Every time I (gently) approach her about this subject she gets so angry with me, hangs the phone up or refuses to see me. I know it’s out of embarrassment but she is in denial and now I’m walking on eggshells and at a loss as to what to do and how to help her?

It’s affecting her whole life, her relationships and my nephew/niece livelihoods. Any advice is appreciated.

It sounds like social services should be involved if she’s not taking the kids to school or looking after them properly

Sounds like she isn’t coping. I would also advise a referral to social services. Hopefully they can help her get into a routine with the kids. They shouldn’t be missing school.

Yes SS need to be involved. Might give her a kick up the arse?

If it's only a 25 min walk to school why is she relying on people for lifts?

Surely that's a fairly normal walk to school?

What will SS do though? The thought of getting them involved breaks my heart and it will hers too. She loves her kids, they’re always fed and clean and are so lovely and polite. Will SS help her or just threaten to take them away? Sorry if that sounds naive but if I hear the words social services I generally think the worst.

@sunisblinding yes it is a completely normal time. She just doesn’t have the energy to do it so regularly and hence relies on others to do it for her. Especially if it’s raining. Most mornings she will wake up sleep deprived because the little one has been up or says she doesn’t feel well.

They are there to help, they do not just go in and take children away.

Your apparent heart broken feelings at involving social services do not trump these children living within such an environment where neither adult is actually managing. What are they going to remember about their own childhoods?.

She sounds really depressed.
People don’t live in that state because they’ve chosen to.
How helpful is her partner?

I'm not sure how old the eldest child is but if his attendance is below the national threshold and there is persistent lateness then it's normal for the school to be in contact and work out why. Maybe baby steps is the answer - try and tackle the school attendance issue first. She needs to get up and make it to school each day. Does her partner live with her? Can he help with the getting ready?

SS work with families to help them, removing children is always the last resort. Nobody is suggesting that you make a referral so that her kids are put into care. What will happen is they will do a welfare check. See if anything is wrong. And, if needed, offer her some assistance in getting herself more organized. If her kids are missing a lot of school, the school will no doubt make a referral at some point themselves anyway.

Social services need to be involved as it’s neglect. She’s tired so doesn’t want to take the children to school that’s actually shocking. She needs to see the GP again and ask for more help. It sounds like serious depression. Can her partner do more or his family? Or yours even? Offer to take the kids to school and help with the house. She might be in a rut but trust me once you’re in it it’s very hard to come out. She needs major help.

Sounds like her toddler having day time childcare to get them into a good daytime routine where they aren't napping etc would help. Would still take time though.

I think you could ask her how you could help? Maybe take the youngest and keep her awake during the day so she sleeps at night

Also I wounded if her Antidepressant is making her sleepy during the day so she should try taking it at a completely different time

Does she have friends? Does she go to toddler groups etc

And Mrs Rochester, it is the girls responsibility to seek help if her MH is impacting on her so much that is impacting her children’s welfare

You have seriously projected your experiences onto the op she is asking how she can help!

Exactly! Her children are being affected. She is a worried sister and auntie and had tried to help her. I don't think she's being judgemental, just factual. She's lucky to have a sister who cares.

How old is the primary school age child? If your sister cannot deal with the school run, can dad drop at a childminder and childminder does the school drop and pick up or look into breakfast and after school club so dad can do the school run. Your sister needs to see the GP again to reassess the medication dose. How old is the youngest?

She sounds very very depressed, has anyone actually broached that with her? Has she engaged with a gp?

You sound like a very caring sister OP and it’s normal to feel this way about her as you love her and her kids.
Don’t get SS involved.

These things will usually sort themselves out as the children get older.

She’s just finding it difficult at the moment, it will change when she comes through it, she will also feel guilty when she does and wonder why she got to that stage.

Let her see the light on her own without pressure from SS etc

Ignore me, missed that bit.

She is on meds for depression which I sympathise with but also think she’s got herself into a rut now and uses her MH as an excuse to do jack shit.

That's not an excuse that literally what depression is! It can be debilitating which makes general day to day tasks impossible, u don't sound that supportive. U sound very judgemental. And I feel for ur sister.

Your poor sister. She sounds really ill. The depression or medication might be causing the fatigue, or the fatigue might be an underlying condition. I've been in a similar place and it is extremely difficult to turn things around.

You are pretty judgmental, I can understand why she doesn't want to talk to you about how she is feeling.

Social services are so overwhelmed with with real cases of abuse and neglect, they're not going to do anything to support your sister.

Is there someone (without your attitude) that she trusts to speak to?

I'll also like to add being in a bigger body doesn't change her value into the world. Ur not a worse person in a bigger body

I reported my sister to ss as did other family members over the years for the reasons you state op.
Unfortunately they did fuck all so she moved miles away from anyone and we no longer speak . When ss turned up unannounced she had bullshit excuses as to why she couldn't let them in . Made appointments for 10 days time , the the house was spotless and fully stocked with decent food. The ss walked in and walked back out basically and closed every case on her. The children are older now but have no motivation and are still just as filthy as adults.