How do I approach my sis? She’s ruining her life

[WhoopsyDaisy1]

Long ramble but don’t want to have to drip feed.

She doesn’t work and is on benefits. Has 2DC, one at primary school and one who is not yet at school age. She doesn’t drive and so a walk to drop off DC to school takes about 25 mins and so 4/5 times during the week she relies on everybody else to take DC to school and pick him up. Whether it be our mum, her friends, distant friends, me and so on... If she can’t find anyone to take him (she relies so heavily on favours that she’s exhausted all of her options now) then she will either take a taxi or leaves him off school. His attendance is atrocious and he loves school which is heartbreaking.

Her house is an absolute tip because ‘she has no energy to tidy’ and all she does is sleep or lay on the sofa. Her DC2 is awake at night because they nap so much throughout the day and then she uses it as an excuse to not get up in the morning to take DC1 to school and it’s a never ending cycle.

Even on a bright and sunny day she will just stay indoors and sleep/nap/do nothing.

She says she feels unwell pretty much every day yet if it’s the weekend/half term she’s absolutely fine and is never too unwell to go out drinking or socialise if the opportunity is there.

Her partner works and comes home and the house is a mess, my sis is asleep or looks a state (that sounds harsh but she really does - has put on a lot of weight and makes no effort in her appearance) and will still be in her PJs and so I feel like their relationship is really being affected. Her partner is struggling having to do the school run after work, tidy the house, get dinner, make dinner etc when she’s been at home all day. He has made passing comments to our mum.

She is on meds for depression which I sympathise with but also think she’s got herself into a rut now and uses her MH as an excuse to do jack shit.

Every time I (gently) approach her about this subject she gets so angry with me, hangs the phone up or refuses to see me. I know it’s out of embarrassment but she is in denial and now I’m walking on eggshells and at a loss as to what to do and how to help her?

It’s affecting her whole life, her relationships and my nephew/niece livelihoods. Any advice is appreciated.

Whilst it seems you are giving lipservice to being aware of mental illness it does come across as you having no idea how debilitating it actually can be. That and judgemental about being on benefits, depressed and overweight.

After seeing what social services have done to my child's fathers family. That would be my absolute last option.
She sounds incredibly depressed and that's hard to balance life when you're in that state of mind. It's also been hard in my experience to get help from a gp.
But, there is so many charities that can and will help. She needs to talk to someone and they can properly advise her on the next steps. She can't keep living like this and neither can her children... if her child keeps missing school, she will get in trouble.
If I were you, I'd do some research about charity's that are in your area, look out for churches that do free therapy etc. then when you have gathered some together, visit her in person and give her these details and tell her in a non judgmental way that she needs to contact someone and pronto. If she can't do it herself then you call and enquire.

Your sis is deeply depressed because she is being abused in the now or is suffering from the effects of prior abuse.

I have been there. Both parental and marital.

I also suspect she might well have an underactive thyroid. Possibly anaemia as well. The weight gain and lack of self care is significant.

Questions I would ask is how intelligent is your DS? The more intelligent, the more likely that abuse takes the toll.

You say you get on with her partner but what do you really know?

Your parents. How are they? What are they doing to help?

@ScreamingSauvignon

Good grief. It is staggering how laziness is now labeled as Mental Health and needing Social Services as opposed to a kick up the proverbial.

The posts on here excusing inert choice is shocking.

Another one who clearly doesn't have a clue. Not all lazy people have mental health issues obviously but go speak to people who've lost family and tell them that family member was just lazy and should have made more of an effort.

@Zilla1 @Sobeyondthehills thank you both so much for your advice.

Thanks everyone for your helpful comments. I’m going to speak to her partner about how we can both support her together. I know it’s a long and winding road ahead but some advice on here has honestly been great, I feel that there’s light at the end of the tunnel for her.

Before I got to the part where you said she has depression, I guessed that was what the problem is.
It’s an illness. Support her all you can, be kind and encouraging. If you can’t manage this, I would back away. It’s such a difficult situation for you all.

[quote Samarie123]@TiddleyWink get a bloody grip. OP says she loves and cares for her children.
Been through depression when my lot were young. They’re all healthy happy adults now![/quote]
Did you neglect to take them to school for extended periods of time?

Utterly disgusting how dismissive you are of the impacts of this situation on innocent kids.

Telling me to ‘get a bloody grip’ for saying that vulnerable and neglected children should be protected?!

Beyond vile

@Melsuleenia

Your sis is deeply depressed because she is being abused in the now or is suffering from the effects of prior abuse.

I have been there. Both parental and marital.

I also suspect she might well have an underactive thyroid. Possibly anaemia as well. The weight gain and lack of self care is significant.

Questions I would ask is how intelligent is your DS? The more intelligent, the more likely that abuse takes the toll.

You say you get on with her partner but what do you really know?

Your parents. How are they? What are they doing to help?

How can you possibly state that as fact?! It’s just wild assumption and potentially offensively slanderous to her parents and partner. Just…how on earth do you feel qualified to state that without any shred of doubt that it’s fact?! Bizarre.

@Kennykenkencat

TheSnootiestFox

What do you mean the NHS won’t pay to medicate

Our CCG won't fund medication for adults with ADHD, but they pay for children to be medicated. They don't fund lipoedema treatment either which is currently wiping out every penny (28k to date) I have and a fair few I dont, just to keep me upright and mobile. I can't afford to even look at going private for ADHD medication which i honestly feel would change my life.

There are two problems here - your sister's health and the 7 year old missing school. I suggest you speak to BIL and take one each. He could book the 7 year old into breakfast club and after school club (assuming there is one). School may offer this free or discounted if they know there's a problem. Or he changes his work hours and/or sorts a proper rota of helpers. Like a mum would have to! There's only 3.5 months till the end of the school year. Dsis may be a little better by September.

Meanwhile you help her get her health properly checked (iron, vitamin D, thyroid) and her medication checked. Take her for a short walk each day with the babies. See if she could get Early Help or that other service (HomeStart? The one where a volunteer comes round). Talk to Health Visitor. If you drive, take her to a toddler group in the car once in a while.

See where you are come school holidays.

If her DC's attendance is as bad as you say then school will be aware. I'm a bit surprised her DP isn't stepping up since she is obviously ill and struggling. Lots of people have to cope with an ill partner, work, ensure the house is habitable and that the DCs get to school. Perhaps you can have a word with him about supporting your DSIS and looking after his DCs.

She’s obviously depressed. The judgemental comments from you about her appearance and ‘worrying her partner might go off her’ are pretty dismaying.

I’m sure she’s well aware of all the things she should be doing but is failing to do. Sometimes (usually?) hectoring people is counterproductive. Probably the best thing you can do is be supportive rather than judgemental. Try and listen non-judgementally or just have a normal chat and check in with how she’s doing. Spend some time with her or go round and help her get something done.

When you feel like that what you benefit from more than anything is a morale boost and feeling like everything is not so formidable. Criticising (whether veiled or not) will just make her feel worse.

Does she get support for her MH?

@SeasonFinale

Whilst it seems you are giving lipservice to being aware of mental illness it does come across as you having no idea how debilitating it actually can be. That and judgemental about being on benefits, depressed and overweight.

Maybe but those children deserve better. It’s not their fault their parent is like that.

@WhereYouLeftIt

"She loves her kids, they’re always fed and clean and are so lovely and polite." Sorry, but she doesn't love them enough to take her school-loving son to school. That has to change, she is failing him and that's not on. I would involve SS. I wouldn't like doing it, but you/family sound to have tried everything else, it's the only option left. She is failing her child.

Ffs the woman has depression it doesn't mean she doesn't love her children. How fuckin dare you demonise her like that!

She sounds like she is really ill. I know this because I used to feel very similar. The difference was I was able to get my children to school, run around to get all the Housework/jobs done ASAP then draw the curtains and lay in bed all day. Ignoring invites out etc. The worst times were during the summer when I was so desperate to be out in the sunshine but instead spent all day in a dark room. I was so desperate to hide it from my children and family I ended up with horrendous OCD and anxiety. The medication they give you is hard-core and completely made everything 10xs worse for me personally. It then took years for me to get myself off the stuff and I'm still not 100%. Please don't get social services involved at this stage!!! Maybe try an intervention with your mum/her DH and any other friends or family members. Try and find ways of getting her feeling well again. Maybe encourage walks together or other activities that can involve you all. Explain to her your worries in a way she doesn't feel judged. Sometimes there is a lot going on underneath than we can possibly imagine

She definitely isn't coping. Social services definitely need to be involved. She seems very unwell to me.

She needs support.

@Newrunner29

She is on meds for depression which I sympathise with but also think she’s got herself into a rut now and uses her MH as an excuse to do jack shit.

That's not an excuse that literally what depression is! It can be debilitating which makes general day to day tasks impossible, u don't sound that supportive. U sound very judgemental. And I feel for ur sister.

Did you miss the bit about the sister having the energy and motivation to go out drinking? Sure she sounds like she’s not very happy, but she’s not incapacitated with misery!

She needs to get off these antidepressant things, they are mind altering drugs, and will prolong her so called depression. however safe she feels having these tablets, they are just masking her lazy disposition. I am not surprised that she sleeps a lot and can't be bothered to do anything,,the calming down effect from the tablets,will be an incentive, to just cop out all day.

His attendance is atrocious
What %? I would imagine if it’s that bad, the school are very concerned-has she been called in for attendance meetings? The school may well alert social services if she doesn’t engage.

I’ve had issues with my dc’s attendance due to their ASD and anxiety, including full on school refusal.
School input started as soon as they spotted the pattern and were keen to put into place behavioural support, involve an educational welfare officer.
If this hasn’t happened I wonder if attendance is better than you think?

As for the influx of posters suggesting she is being bone idle, FFS let’s hope you’re never mentally ill and need some compassion

Well Tidders, depression don't come owt of nothing.

Slanderous? I think you mean libellous. In any case, I havnt actually named anyone so the point is rather moot, isn't it?

Have some pearls. I think you need to clutch them.