How do I approach my sis? She’s ruining her life

[WhoopsyDaisy1]

Long ramble but don’t want to have to drip feed.

She doesn’t work and is on benefits. Has 2DC, one at primary school and one who is not yet at school age. She doesn’t drive and so a walk to drop off DC to school takes about 25 mins and so 4/5 times during the week she relies on everybody else to take DC to school and pick him up. Whether it be our mum, her friends, distant friends, me and so on... If she can’t find anyone to take him (she relies so heavily on favours that she’s exhausted all of her options now) then she will either take a taxi or leaves him off school. His attendance is atrocious and he loves school which is heartbreaking.

Her house is an absolute tip because ‘she has no energy to tidy’ and all she does is sleep or lay on the sofa. Her DC2 is awake at night because they nap so much throughout the day and then she uses it as an excuse to not get up in the morning to take DC1 to school and it’s a never ending cycle.

Even on a bright and sunny day she will just stay indoors and sleep/nap/do nothing.

She says she feels unwell pretty much every day yet if it’s the weekend/half term she’s absolutely fine and is never too unwell to go out drinking or socialise if the opportunity is there.

Her partner works and comes home and the house is a mess, my sis is asleep or looks a state (that sounds harsh but she really does - has put on a lot of weight and makes no effort in her appearance) and will still be in her PJs and so I feel like their relationship is really being affected. Her partner is struggling having to do the school run after work, tidy the house, get dinner, make dinner etc when she’s been at home all day. He has made passing comments to our mum.

She is on meds for depression which I sympathise with but also think she’s got herself into a rut now and uses her MH as an excuse to do jack shit.

Every time I (gently) approach her about this subject she gets so angry with me, hangs the phone up or refuses to see me. I know it’s out of embarrassment but she is in denial and now I’m walking on eggshells and at a loss as to what to do and how to help her?

It’s affecting her whole life, her relationships and my nephew/niece livelihoods. Any advice is appreciated.

@Melsuleenia

Your sis is deeply depressed because she is being abused in the now or is suffering from the effects of prior abuse.

I have been there. Both parental and marital.

I also suspect she might well have an underactive thyroid. Possibly anaemia as well. The weight gain and lack of self care is significant.

Questions I would ask is how intelligent is your DS? The more intelligent, the more likely that abuse takes the toll.

You say you get on with her partner but what do you really know?

Your parents. How are they? What are they doing to help?

What arrant nonsense! You're projecting your own situation onto a complete stranger. As for the medical diagnosis, how are you qualified to make that?

Oh another one. Firstly how do you even know what I've been through?

Secondly it is a very fair question to ask if the sister has been or is abused.

Thirdly, a significant weight gain is telling of a thyroid issue. I'm not the only one who has pointed this out.

And fourth. Have some pearls.

OP I totally get why you are concerned. Your sister does sound ill, and at the point in which she can not function well. I know a lot of pp are taking the opinion that you are being judgmental due to her lack of care in appearance and weight gain but that is a big symptom in a person not feeling well in themselves.
I would also take the side of the children, one is not going to school and the other has a lack of routine. That is effecting them so teaming up with her partner and approaching the school for advice. They will have already noticed the lack of attendance.
Then I think she needs a big chat, although she is ill she has probably got herself into a bit of a rut as
well, it is easy to do and sometimes a close person actually has to say that things have gone to far.

Bottom line OP is significant depression doesn't just spring up. It cannot.

Therfore what has actually gone on? How much do you know?

As to SS. Call them if you must but alas they are largely useless now.

I'm a fully qualified teacher.

As a family, could you put something together so she has access to a private counsellor?

Your dsis needs help.

Sarahcoggles
No I didn't miss it! When I am depressed and have bad anxiety, I am able to go out socially as that's not a stressful time , that's my own time. I have adhd so my brain is able to do things I'm interested in but really struggle with day to day living.

I really hope all the people saying she is lazy please hope u never suffer from depression or anxiety or anyone close to u, as if u did u wouldn't be so ignorant

A 25 minute walk to school x 4 is 1 hour 40 mins a day just walking. No wonder she is knackered
Its really not that far. Its what I walk most days just going back and forth for different reasons. My kids walked 25 minutes to and from school each day from aged 5 too.

Firstly, what you have described in actually classic depression. Your sister is almost certainly not coming up with excuses. Being with a baby all day is tedious and tiring, but especially hard work if you are depressed. She has lost her motivation. The holidays/weekends/nights out are all an escape from the monotony of her regime, so it is not particularly surprising that she is more motivated to get away from her day to day life when she can. Often in school holidays there are other mums around too so she probably has more company or options of things to do. Baby groups can be pretty uninspiring, especially if you have to walk to them in the rain. Instead of telling her what she needs to do, I would ask her how she is feeling each week and then help her to problem solve. I.e. what do you think that you could do to make this week easier? Would it help to have a list? How would you feel about trying ...etc. Just go with gentle questions where she has to come up with some of the solutions. Give lots of encouragement. Praise her (in a non patronising way) for achieving small goals such as managing the school run on the days that she does. It may be that she needs to revisit the Dr re her medication. Has she had any talking therapies? She can self refer online, or her partner could fill out the forms on her behalf. Perhaps she could ask for a referral to home start where volunteers give support or to a pnd supportive group. Personally I wouldn't contact social services. It would be a huge betrayal of her trust. In any event, the bar for intervention in terms of neglect is pretty high. The school will already be offering support re school attendance. Perhaps the school will be able to offer some support there too? I.e. perhaps access to a breakfast club where her husband can drop the oldest off to school on route to work. She's highly unlikely to just wake up and do things differently tomorrow just because someone has kindly told her too. She needs help and very small achievable goals and some downtime. Depression can make people feel extremely tired/fatigued. It's unsurprising that she struggles to do the school run with a one year old, particularly when she's had poor sleep. I would focus on solutions to getting some help with the morning school run. That's the most important one. She can't, after all, not pick up her kid at the end of the day. Perhaps don't to not help out so much with that one in order to help her build a routine.

@Melsuleenia You are wrong. Depression can just 'spring up'. It doesn't have to be caused by an awful event. People with otherwise charmed lives can suffer with significant depression. You statement is wrong and unhelpful.

Contact social services. It may be the kick up the bum she needs

@Newrunner29

I really hope all the people saying she is lazy please hope u never suffer from depression or anxiety or anyone close to u, as if u did u wouldn't be so ignorant

I had pnd and still had to find a way to make things work. Not everyone can sit back and switch off. Anyway the sis’ mental health doesn’t matter it’s the impact on her poor kids that should take centre stage. In this instance social services involvement is needed.

Disagree and you are in denial @layladomino.

One wonders what you've been up to? Hmm?

Just personal experience, scientific fact and professional opinion. But sure, you know best @Melsuleenia

And there we go @layladomino

The PA response is highly indicative of what you are. Rather than really answer the point you've placed yourself on the Devils Pitchfork.

Denial. Deflection.

Isn't there a partner in the background who requires your tender ministrations? Orf you pop. Those pink pods won't beat themselves!!!

@Wafflesnsniffles

A 25 minute walk to school x 4 is 1 hour 40 mins a day just walking. No wonder she is knackered Its really not that far. Its what I walk most days just going back and forth for different reasons. My kids walked 25 minutes to and from school each day from aged 5 too.

Well that’s great that you’re able to do that easily.

Are you assuming that everyone is like you?

I would struggle with that distance mentally, it’s too far for an escape route back home if I need it.
It’s an illness, not laziness.

Op as a practical step could you and the wider familu focus on getting the little boy into a proper school routine. It's unacceptable that he is missing school.

Could you or other family help arrange regular childminder or even ensure your sister gets the boy to school daily and focus on that ? If the dad is capable could he take over?

it is the girls responsibility to seek help if her MH is impacting on her so much that is impacting her children’s welfare

She has sought help, she is on medication?
Again and again you hear this and it irritates me so much. It's not as simple as "get help and it goes away." Just another way of pushing blame onto people for their mental health conditions. Maybe the sister in this case is just lazy and demotivated, who knows. Or maybe she is bad enough that "getting help" has not, shockingly, immediately fixed all her problems.

42Ozanj
Just because u personally was able to get up , doesn't mean others do!

@Melsuleenia

And there we go *@layladomino*

The PA response is highly indicative of what you are. Rather than really answer the point you've placed yourself on the Devils Pitchfork.

Denial. Deflection.

Isn't there a partner in the background who requires your tender ministrations? Orf you pop. Those pink pods won't beat themselves!!!

Have you been drinking?

You do realise there is an OP on this thread in need of actual help and your bizarre ramblings are unhelpful to say the least.

[quote WhoopsyDaisy1]@OutsideVoice could be PND and the youngest is a hand full. But she’ll let him nap so late in the day that he’s full of beans in the night. I’ve tried pointing her in the direction of a sleep consultant for her youngest, but relating to what you said, it’s another task to add to the pile of things she should try and do.[/quote]
Where I live there are PND support groups you can bring child to as it's a playgroup run by social workers. It can really help to know you're not alone and that others are going through what you're going through. I expect she feels guilty for all the things she 'should' be doing and for not just being able to snap out of this, I expect she feels like she's failing everyone. Major depression is a horrible place to be.

If you're family can arrange some times they can help regularly, doesn't have to be every week, maybe one morning/evening for a couple hours once a week, rotate in who supports her, it can help to know there's that regular support there, you can count down to it, think ok I've just got to get through X more days to till I can have a break. Talk if she wants to talk, but could just be watching a movie or something.

I think the thing that would help the most would be getting the one year old into a proper sleep pattern but that's a big undertaking. Sleep deprivation is really destructive on mental health. I think she'd need someone there all day everyday for a week or more for that, to help deal with tired one year old tantrums, let her nap for a bit or leave the room if it's too much. I think this would be something for her OH to do, take a week's holiday and support her into getting in a better place mentally. You need to all be on the same page, is there someone that could raise some ideas with him and see what he's willing to do. I expect he's exhausted too, maybe struggling with it all.

It's true you can't fix this for her, you can't even make her try. Family members can provide regular support but it must be at a level that doesn't impact their own health, mental health, children and so on. It needs to be sustainable and you all need boundaries around what you can and can't give. It's ok to say it's too much and step back. I got myself out of that hole with no support but that's not something everyone is capable of. Having support around you tends to lead to better outcomes for people with depression. Good luck, I know it's tough. Give what you can and don't burn yourself out.

It's really strange how behaviors that are otherwise inexcusable become "oh poor him/her" when the magic diagnosis words are uttered.

If you're depressed to the point of being neglectful you need to be doing absolutely everything in your power to get help for your mental state, not denying and minimizing it or forcing others to enable your continued illness.

I agree you sound v judgemental, depression is not an excuse, no wonder she doesn't want to talk to you. You don't sound very supportive tbh

Blood tests might show something. Ferritin, D3, B12, thyroid

Your sister sounds similar to how I was when my children were little.
After nearly ten years of trying to get help I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder.
I’d encourage your sister to get full bloods done. At the very least she is probably low in Vitamins B’s and D’s, maybe iron.
Womens health, especially when she has young children, is often not taken seriously. We really have to fight to get answers sometimes.