How do I approach my sis? She’s ruining her life

[WhoopsyDaisy1]

Long ramble but don’t want to have to drip feed.

She doesn’t work and is on benefits. Has 2DC, one at primary school and one who is not yet at school age. She doesn’t drive and so a walk to drop off DC to school takes about 25 mins and so 4/5 times during the week she relies on everybody else to take DC to school and pick him up. Whether it be our mum, her friends, distant friends, me and so on... If she can’t find anyone to take him (she relies so heavily on favours that she’s exhausted all of her options now) then she will either take a taxi or leaves him off school. His attendance is atrocious and he loves school which is heartbreaking.

Her house is an absolute tip because ‘she has no energy to tidy’ and all she does is sleep or lay on the sofa. Her DC2 is awake at night because they nap so much throughout the day and then she uses it as an excuse to not get up in the morning to take DC1 to school and it’s a never ending cycle.

Even on a bright and sunny day she will just stay indoors and sleep/nap/do nothing.

She says she feels unwell pretty much every day yet if it’s the weekend/half term she’s absolutely fine and is never too unwell to go out drinking or socialise if the opportunity is there.

Her partner works and comes home and the house is a mess, my sis is asleep or looks a state (that sounds harsh but she really does - has put on a lot of weight and makes no effort in her appearance) and will still be in her PJs and so I feel like their relationship is really being affected. Her partner is struggling having to do the school run after work, tidy the house, get dinner, make dinner etc when she’s been at home all day. He has made passing comments to our mum.

She is on meds for depression which I sympathise with but also think she’s got herself into a rut now and uses her MH as an excuse to do jack shit.

Every time I (gently) approach her about this subject she gets so angry with me, hangs the phone up or refuses to see me. I know it’s out of embarrassment but she is in denial and now I’m walking on eggshells and at a loss as to what to do and how to help her?

It’s affecting her whole life, her relationships and my nephew/niece livelihoods. Any advice is appreciated.

@Samarie123

You sound like a very caring sister OP and it’s normal to feel this way about her as you love her and her kids. Don’t get SS involved.

These things will usually sort themselves out as the children get older.

She’s just finding it difficult at the moment, it will change when she comes through it, she will also feel guilty when she does and wonder why she got to that stage.

Let her see the light on her own without pressure from SS etc

I’m sorry but what the actual…?!

The kids are being neglected and not being taken to school and you think the right thing to do is to just let the years pass and things will ‘sort themselves out’?! What about the children, their education, their chance in life in the meantime?! Do you have any idea how much harm they will have come to by the time she may or may not ‘see the light’?!

My chin was on the floor reading this. Whether she’s ill or whatever else is going on, the children being left as collateral damage is NOT the solution.

You sound like one of goose awful people who see authorities as the enemy and cover up all sorts of suffering by children

Your sister has gotten herself into a negative spiral which is feeding itself. She doesn’t sleep so she has no energy and then naps. This makes it harder to do simple things like walking to school as she has become tired and unconditioned, which then makes her gain weight and become lethargic which makes it harder to sleep. All of this makes it harder to motivate herself. (That’s badly explained but the point I’m getting at that it is circular) To get out of it she needs help to change one thing. You can start anywhere in a negative spiral and fix one thing. For example. If she gets up and walks the kids to school even though it’s hard, maybe goes for a walk, she will sleep better, have more energy when she is awake and be more productive. If she sorts out her sleep she will be more able to tackle everything. Once sees feels better she will start to see improvements in her life and will find it easier to stay motivated. But how you get her to start is the tricky part given that you have tried talking to her. Op said she hangs up on you. Have you talked to her face to face. It might help your sister to talk to a professional but there are waiting lists.. A review of her antidepressant might help too as some can be particularly sedating.

It might be worth suggesting that if her medication is sedating that she takes it at night (simple but the amount of doctors that prescribe something like mitazipine to be taken in the morning is ridiculous).

Social services will support her. From my limited knowledge things have to be really bad for children to be taken away.

It sounds like a vicious circle. She is depressed and not managing to do anything makes her depressed.

If she had support to be organised then she could go from there.

The fact is that none of us on here can say for sure if it’s a serious medical issue, laziness or something in between. The issue is that there are children suffering as a result and the number one priority should be their well-being. Which means getting the right authorities involved who can help the family and will be able to put the children’s best interests front and centre without the complex emotions, guilt etc of close family members.

Whatever is going on with this lady, her children should not be allowed to be collateral damage.

She sounds depressed to me.

@WhoopsyDaisy1

If the world was a good place, Adult SS would be involved in order to make your sister a care plan and provide services to help her around the house. They could also arrange transport for her son.

However, we live in a day and age where SS have no money and you have to fight for everything which I doubt in your sister's depressed state she will be able to do :(

I feel very sad for your sister :(

She needs to go back to the gp and say that whatever meds she is on isn't working

Having felt exactly how your sister must feel for years. The sheer effort it took me to get dc to school, keep on top of the housework (and mainly failing) do the laundry, trying to stay awake during the day and to sleep at night was torture. Other people seemed to do basic things with very little effort or thought.
I struggled with even basic stuff. The effort it took to get ready dc’s school uniforms for the following day left me exhausted. Give me something I enjoyed doing I would come to life. Most of the time it was like thinking through treacle only to find a brick wall.

If anything it wasn’t because I was lazy I probably worked 1000 times harder to do a simple task than any other person I knew.

Last year dd (now an adult) showed me a list of symptoms she had found on line when she was left wondering why other people seemed to do tasks with ease that took her every ounce of energy to do.
We were both diagnosed with ADHD.

Interesting that symptoms in women and girls especially, because it presents differently than men and boys, their symptoms are frequently missed.

One of the things in women especially that ADHD is frequently misdiagnosed as is depression.
If your dsis is taking meds for depression and they aren’t working then maybe suggests she looks into ADHD.

Too many women like this too.

At least they can blame MH now and get away with it instead of it being plain neglect.

@BeHappy91818 What other strong opinions do you have, please?

I think she needs full blood tests including thyroid and Vitamin D. Even so it's not a situation that can be left.

I think her partner needs to take some time off and they walk the school run together and get on top of the house together. If she's not claiming PIP then apply, there are places that can help with the forms.

I do understand about finances but the next step is social services. They might start getting fines over attendance if it carries on.

@Zilla1

Too many women like this too.

At least they can blame MH now and get away with it instead of it being plain neglect.

@BeHappy91818 What other strong opinions do you have, please?

Why .. what’s that got to do with this thread 😵‍💫

@OutsideVoice

She sounds really depressed. People don’t live in that state because they’ve chosen to. How helpful is her partner?

Reading the original post, the partner seems to be doing almost everything both in and out of the house to make up for her laziness.

TheSnootiestFox

What do you mean the NHS won’t pay to medicate

It sounds like she is severely depressed. She seems to be in a place so deep that she will never be able to climb out on her own. If she does out at the weekend and looks to be the life and soul of the party that's just another way of masking. Some people I knew have died by their own hands shortly after they have been seen seeming to have a wonderful time.

Instead of criticising her try practical things to help her. Can you spare the time to help her declutter a room at a time ?. Could you take her out for a coffee now and then? Could you ask the LEA if they could provide assistance in getting your DN to school ? There's a section of social services known as the Family Support Team. That's exactly what they do, support. And encourage. If you leave your sister and her partner to wallow as they are there is a chance they will be endangering their kids long term welfare in which case the intervention team could get involved.
Where we live there is provision by the Salvation Army in alliance with social services to spend time in a residential setting as a family. They would have an apartment with full amenities , visible and meaningful support...basically how to be a parent. The kids Dad would be encouraged to continue working and the Mum would be supported in getting on with life. If you don't ask for help you certainly won't get it. You and your sisters family may well have to jump through some hoops but if she accepts assistance and support when it's offered it would be worthwhile

OP people with ADHD have low levels of dopamine. Dopamine is a chemical in the brain — aka a neurotransmitter — that plays a role in experiencing happiness and pleasure. Pleasurable activities, such as socialising and exercising, can raise levels of dopamine, making the person more likely to do those things again. But housework etc doesn't raise the levels so they are less motivated to do it (unless the person is like my mum for loves housework!)

I think the first thing to do is sort out her health. I would accompany her to the GP and explain how tired she is. They'll take bloods and examine her. Even if she does have depression, it is obviously not be managed correctly to be affecting the family in this way. Perhaps a change of meds, perhaps getting her on the list for counselling or a community group? That may be enough for her to acknowledge she needs to sort herself out.
If she refuses, I would call Social Services.

A taxi to take the 7 year old to school could be a game changer. Could the local authority assist I wonder?

@TiddleyWink get a bloody grip. OP says she loves and cares for her children.
Been through depression when my lot were young. They’re all healthy happy adults now!

Good grief. It is staggering how laziness is now labeled as Mental Health and needing Social Services as opposed to a kick up the proverbial.

The posts on here excusing inert choice is shocking.

OP what a strange assumption that SS would 'take children away' Where do you get that idea from? Apart from the fact that it is extremely distressing for everybody concerned to take a child away, where would SS find the huge numbers of foster carers required (not to mention the funds) to take children away and place them elsewhere just because their parent is depressed. Haven't you noticed that the main complaint eg. in newspapers about SS is that they DON'T take children away?

SS are not baby snatchers. There are there to help and support families and I say this as somebody who has been a service user (I don't work in SS). The issue with SS and children is not that they 'take them away' but because of underfunding and heavy workloads they increasingly can't offer the help and support they know that families need. You should tell SS about your sister, yes, but sadly they may not be able to offer her what she needs.

Your sister needs help with her depression above all.

@WandaLust101

SS work with families to help them, removing children is always the last resort. Nobody is suggesting that you make a referral so that her kids are put into care. What will happen is they will do a welfare check. See if anything is wrong. And, if needed, offer her some assistance in getting herself more organized. If her kids are missing a lot of school, the school will no doubt make a referral at some point themselves anyway.

That's absolutely right.

Social services will help her, they will put her in touch with those who specialise in helping people like your sister. They will not remove her children, she's isn't abusing them.

Whether you should be the one to alert social services is a question I cannot answer; your sister's GP would be the ideal person to do that but it would require her co-operation.

Your sister is obviously depressed. She may well go out sometimes and appear to enjoy but that is a distraction, she has to return home and her every day life.

It will take someone or some people to talk to your sister, gently and kindly, and persuade her to seek help.

You are a nice sister to be so concerned but it is often 'outside agencies', ie people who are not personally involved and therefore objective, who can help most. Just give her whatever support you can. It's so sad that she has become like she is but there is hope.