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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I approach my sis? She’s ruining her life

152 replies

WhoopsyDaisy1 · 22/03/2022 11:22

Long ramble but don’t want to have to drip feed.

She doesn’t work and is on benefits. Has 2DC, one at primary school and one who is not yet at school age. She doesn’t drive and so a walk to drop off DC to school takes about 25 mins and so 4/5 times during the week she relies on everybody else to take DC to school and pick him up. Whether it be our mum, her friends, distant friends, me and so on... If she can’t find anyone to take him (she relies so heavily on favours that she’s exhausted all of her options now) then she will either take a taxi or leaves him off school. His attendance is atrocious and he loves school which is heartbreaking.

Her house is an absolute tip because ‘she has no energy to tidy’ and all she does is sleep or lay on the sofa. Her DC2 is awake at night because they nap so much throughout the day and then she uses it as an excuse to not get up in the morning to take DC1 to school and it’s a never ending cycle.

Even on a bright and sunny day she will just stay indoors and sleep/nap/do nothing.

She says she feels unwell pretty much every day yet if it’s the weekend/half term she’s absolutely fine and is never too unwell to go out drinking or socialise if the opportunity is there.

Her partner works and comes home and the house is a mess, my sis is asleep or looks a state (that sounds harsh but she really does - has put on a lot of weight and makes no effort in her appearance) and will still be in her PJs and so I feel like their relationship is really being affected. Her partner is struggling having to do the school run after work, tidy the house, get dinner, make dinner etc when she’s been at home all day. He has made passing comments to our mum.

She is on meds for depression which I sympathise with but also think she’s got herself into a rut now and uses her MH as an excuse to do jack shit.

Every time I (gently) approach her about this subject she gets so angry with me, hangs the phone up or refuses to see me. I know it’s out of embarrassment but she is in denial and now I’m walking on eggshells and at a loss as to what to do and how to help her?

It’s affecting her whole life, her relationships and my nephew/niece livelihoods. Any advice is appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoopsyDaisy1 · 22/03/2022 14:56

@AnneLovesGilbert I know that’s why I’m finding it hard. I want nothing more than for her to get better but I have my own family, it’s hard juggling all these priorities. I know there’s no simple fix. I’m going to speak to our mum and her partner and see what professional we can speak to.

OP posts:
user1471457751 · 22/03/2022 14:58

I wonder if posters would be quite so quick to excuse a man who was not sending his kids to school.

Original poster
WhoopsyDaisy1 · 22/03/2022 15:00

@OutsideVoice could be PND and the youngest is a hand full. But she’ll let him nap so late in the day that he’s full of beans in the night. I’ve tried pointing her in the direction of a sleep consultant for her youngest, but relating to what you said, it’s another task to add to the pile of things she should try and do.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoopsyDaisy1 · 22/03/2022 15:02

@Rosehugger @ittakes2 there could be an underlying issue you’re right. I suppose getting on to her GP could help discover this. Thank you. I’ll do some research and suggest it.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoopsyDaisy1 · 22/03/2022 15:05

@Sobeyondthehills thank you for this. Sorry you’ve had a rubbish time. Can I ask what the SS/school did to help? A few people have suggested SS but I just think even the suggestion of it to her may send her over the edge. She understands she has depression but is in denial about other things and so I can’t help but feel that by me suggesting SS she would see as a stab in the back. How did they help you? As I might be able to use your anecdotes as an approach for her to reach out.

OP posts:
OutsideVoice · 22/03/2022 15:05

Out of interest what is the child’s attendance percentage?
Schools usually take a dim view of poor attendance and don’t tolerate it for long.

I can understand letting the baby nap during the day - if you feel that bad it feels like a break, and you don’t have the brain power to sort it out.
Is there any chance the baby could go to a nursery or childminder for 2 or 3 days a week so she gets some regular time on her own?

MrsBerthaRochester · 22/03/2022 15:07

Honestly this is like a different world! Im not just talking about my own experience here, I have friends who are going through the same. I CANNOT see my gp ftf. It says so when you phone them. Neither can I see the support worker from womans aid or my counsellor. The idea that social services will swoop in and fix it all is laughable.
If you truly want to help your sister then stop saying that you think she is lazy and using mh as an excuse because lets be honest thats what you really are saying.

Original poster
WhoopsyDaisy1 · 22/03/2022 15:09

@Zilla1 thank you for your comments. I would never ever suggest that she needs to just get over it, or just get better, I know I have a lot of learning to do when it comes to MH but to me that’s a given of what not to do

I just don’t know how to help her without the fear of being ‘too judgmental’ although I empathise hugely with her MH.

OP posts:
MrsBerthaRochester · 22/03/2022 15:10

Oh and she is not "ruining her life" she is ILL.

TabithaTittlemouse · 22/03/2022 15:11

You sound like you really care op. I wish my siblings were like you.

I’ve been where your sister is, it’s horrendous and it is a really unhealthy cycle that you feel unable to get out of.

How long has she been on her medication?

I know that you have a young baby and not enough time but would she go for a short walk with you with the babies?

TabithaTittlemouse · 22/03/2022 15:11

Btw do speak to social services. They are there to help.

Keepitonthedownlow · 22/03/2022 15:11

A 25 minute walk to school x 4 is 1 hour 40 mins a day just walking. No wonder she is knackered.

Rainallnight · 22/03/2022 15:12

@Samarie123 How is it going to sort itself out?? She can’t even get up, and meanwhile her two DC are spending more and more of their childhood being neglected.

I know GPs are under pressure but at the VERY least she needs to start there to review her meds and to let them know she isn’t coping.

Then I think she needs a referral to Early Help (which isn’t exactly the same as SS) - I’m surprised school haven’t done this already if older DC’s attendance is so bad. You could look into this yourself. learning.nspcc.org.uk/safeguarding-child-protection/early-help-early-intervention

I’m not being hard on her. I’ve been so depressed in the past I’ve almost died and I know how hard it is. But I’m also an adoptive parent and I’ve seen what happens to kids who are neglected.

Keepitonthedownlow · 22/03/2022 15:14

If the children are clean and well fed, like you say then only issue is attendance, which is for the school to deal with. Being overweight with a messy house is not a SS matter unless it's a health hazard. Why don't you try and get her some help with the odd school pick up?

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/03/2022 15:15

"She loves her kids, they’re always fed and clean and are so lovely and polite."
Sorry, but she doesn't love them enough to take her school-loving son to schoolSad. That has to change, she is failing him and that's not on. I would involve SS. I wouldn't like doing it, but you/family sound to have tried everything else, it's the only option left. She is failing her child.

Zilla1 · 22/03/2022 15:22

If you want advice, OP, then my first move would be a chat with the DP of the DSis to take his views. The questions might include whether she is stable on her medication, when she is next due a review, whether they and their GP have discussed other interventions like CBT, psychotherapy or other non-medication treatments. Some will laugh as the waiting list for non-screen based CBT tends to be long and they are not appropriate for everybody but if the DP is willing to share then it might be interesting to know if these have been offered and refused or if she is on a waiting list or whether they are the next step once medication is stable or possibly inappropriate. As you can seem the next steps depend on so much but I would have a chat with the DP and see what the situation is. BTW, I would not involve SS if the children are safe and clean by your sister's efforts and she has a DP who is working and based on the other things you've said.

And regarding @user1471457751 comment, IME if it were a man then he'd probably be lauded for having the children safe and clean and fed even if they weren't attending school at all. c2/3 of people with depression who present are women though that might be in part because men tend to under-present. Other than that, I'd have said the same things whether it was a DSis or a DB.

NippyWoowoo · 22/03/2022 15:36

She is on meds for depression

This should have been your opening line. I get the frustration but it really is an illness. Not looking 'best' is the least of her worries

Levithian · 22/03/2022 15:38

I'm sure you mean well OP but as a person who has suffered with depression, this sentence does say a lot about how you view your sister's mh.
She is on meds for depression which I sympathise with but also think she’s got herself into a rut now and uses her MH as an excuse to do jack shit.
This is just not how it works. I also understand that you're coming from a good place when you mention trying to get her out for a walk- but she sounds far too far gone for this tbh, and you need to acknowledge that. I remember someone telling me when I was down that I should go out walking, should eat healthier, should socialise etc- and these are all things that will massively help when you're a little down in the dumps. They don't touch the fucking sides of actual clinical depression though.
I think that she does need help from SS, and definitely to see her GP about finding medication that suits her. But, and I say this gently and with understanding, please don't be that person who thinks she's just being lazy or just eating too much and not moving enough. It will further her sense of isolation. Sometimes, you have to acknowledge to yourself that you can't really judge another person's MH because you are not in their head, and just offer practical support and a whole lot of kindness and love.

RantyAunty · 22/03/2022 15:46

She sounds severely depressed. In a crisis state. She needs help, not judgement.

Have you spoken with her partner and what does he say?

Sobeyondthehills · 22/03/2022 15:54

[quote WhoopsyDaisy1]@Sobeyondthehills thank you for this. Sorry you’ve had a rubbish time. Can I ask what the SS/school did to help? A few people have suggested SS but I just think even the suggestion of it to her may send her over the edge. She understands she has depression but is in denial about other things and so I can’t help but feel that by me suggesting SS she would see as a stab in the back. How did they help you? As I might be able to use your anecdotes as an approach for her to reach out.[/quote]
There were a lot of reports, but they supported me into getting into crisis services, which would not have happened as quickly without their reports.

They could see my son was well looked after, but I had agoraphobia so leaving the house was a nightmare and sometimes it was a choice between not taking DS to school or him seeing me in such a panicked state my flight or freeze response kicked in and then you have the whole cycle, by knowing I was taking him into school, I was neglecting him and that made me feel shit, so would put me in to a depressive cycle.

I know there are a lot of bad stories about SS, but they really did help us and it was thanks to the social worker, so much got done as I had a problem she could either give me solutions or point me to the right place where I could find it.

But you do have to work with them, they are not going to give all the solutions on the plate and I would imagine now, they are much more stretched and some of the services I had available to me, might not be around anymore.

Octomore · 22/03/2022 15:57

Her partner has "made passing comments to your mum"? FFS!

Telling on someone to their mum is ridiculous when the person is an adult. The two of them are in an adult relationship - if he's unhappy with the current situation, he either resolves it with her like an adult, or he breaks up with her. Those are his options.

Your sister's behaviour sounds like she is severely depressed, and her medication clearly isn't working. She needs to be supported to seek additional medical help.

caecilius1 · 22/03/2022 15:58

Do you know if your nephew's teacher or GP has done an Early Help Assessment OP?
There may be multi-agency support for the whole family, without going down the traditional safeguarding route.

2bazookas · 22/03/2022 16:02

You should alert social services, for the childrens sake.

DrSbaitso · 22/03/2022 16:06

You can't make someone help themselves. All you can do is be supportive, which you are.

Her son and his education and socialisation are far more important than her wish to remain undisturbed. You can do something about that - contact SS. They don't just swoop in and remove children without trying other options.

WelcomeMarch · 22/03/2022 16:08

A 25 minute walk to school x 4 is 1 hour 40 mins a day just walking. No wonder she is knackered.

That's not a huge amount of walking really (and it's half that for the child, as he'll be at school between those two walks). Is it 25 minutes at 7-year-old speed, though, or at adult leg speed? Is a bike an option (trickier with two, I know)?