Husband walked out tonight

[Username2101]

In the past few weeks my steady reliable husband has changed drastically. He went on a works party and basically came back a different person, he's become extremely focused about his weight. He's going out every weekend with "friends" he's never mentioned before, he's coming home later and later from work and making excuses to get out of the house.

I confronted him tonight and asked him very bluntly wtf is going on, I mean all this basically screams other woman. He started going on about him wanting to spend time with his friends and that he's the ONLY person in the whole wide world who has to ask for permission. (He doesn't)

I told him if he wanted his freedom so badly he can pack his bags, piss off and have it permanently. He walked out and went to stay with his friend, the friend who has regular parties with all the local 18 year old girls who think that a 45 year old man with a big house and a swimming pool is exciting.

Now I'm panicking, what on earth do I tell the children in the morning about where their daddy has gone, I have 2 months left of my degree and I'm at bloody placement until May. How am I meant to advise people about their lives when mine is a disaster.

I totally agree the best social workers are the ones who have experienced adversity and come through the other side and have experienced life’s downs. I think it makes you more human and understanding and you will find people warm to you and will open up and it somehow just shines through.

I’m in tears reading about your poor dds. He is monstrous.

I don’t understand these men who look exactly like human beings but then meet another woman and lose all love, empathy and compassion for their entire family. There’s something deeply defective about that.

Go gently for now and be kind to yourself. It’s an enormous shock and the grief is real. You are grieving for the life you planned, for the husband you thought he was, for the father you thought he was.

I am so sorry that he wasn’t a fraction of the person that you and your lovely daughters deserve.

Don't let his twattery ruin your qualification and career. Show your girls what's what. Rooting for you, OP

Gross - I can’t get past the fact he’s friends with a pervert that prays on young girls. You and your children are better rid of that

My heart goes out to you and your daughters, OP. Reading your phrase “three sobbing little girls” brought me to tears.

This is “out of nowhere” for you, but H has clearly been orchestrating his devious agenda for quite a while. In my view, he is absolutely cheating, and has been distancing himself and
self-justifying his wrongdoing, hence his reptilian coldness and lack of empathy for you and the girls. Only the lowest of the low would have chosen this most brutal and unethical path that has shattered his family.

He needs to be faced with the shocking words of your precious 7 year old.

Your placement sounds ace. Please tell trusted family and friends so they can surround you with their love and support. As you 4 will be navigating the grieving process, you may want to access counseling. You are shocked to the core, but you and the girls will get through this. 💕

So angry on your behalf, OP. Your DH is a fucking arsehole to do that to your girls. If there is anything to hold on to, it's that. He has shown you who he is. Be there for your girls and let other people be there for you. You are stronger than you think you are.

Next time you see him remind him of his responsibilities as a father to have his kids some evenings every other weekend and half of school holidays.
He better rents a big place to have all 3 of them.
This will cheer him up.

It doesn't really matter if he is cheating or not as he has spoiled the relationship now and you won't trust him after that.
Only 2 months left and it will fly by and it will be well worth it. Try to get plenty of fresh air for you and children and I have no doubt you will be perfectly fine,you got a really quick sharp shock and in a way better than second guessing and dragging on for months on end that would be very stressful for the children.for you girls

If he hasn't taken all his stuff, go through his paperwork to get all the financial info before he comes back for it, so he doesn't have a chance to hide things like savings

I was roughly where you are 17 years ago. Married for 20 years was very happy with DH. Within a week or 2 he went from being kind, loving and reliable and us having a good sex life to picking fault with everything I did or said. He was having affair with young woman who saw what I had and wanted it for herself. Nice home, successful business, nice holidays abroad, hi caravan for UK weekend breaks. What she did not realize was that my salary paid for half of it. We had a huge row and he left to be with her. I had 18 year old doing A levels at time and 16 year old doing GCSE later that summer. I told him he could not come back, got myself a solicitor and started divorce proceedings. 5 1/2 weeks later she dumped him and he wanted to come back. He cried and begged but I could not trust him anymore. Difficult divorce where he told judge he did not want divorce and even told our 9 year old I should give him another chance. We sold house and he ended up with 38 percent. 50/50 on business but we sold it as I did not want to work with him anymore. I was awarded 1/3 of his pension. Older kids would not speak to him for a long time. I moved on and eventually remarried. He is now in relationship with woman 10 years older than me. Our dd says she thinks he has settled but they never kiss or hold hands so a bit strange. I was in final year of a degree too. I went on to pass though. I was lucky my Mum came up to stay for a month while I had to sort solicitors and study all the time. I hope you have support around you. You will get through this. Just remember when he comes crawling back, and he most likely will, once he takes on board how much divorce will cost him, and young woman will find him less attractive with a lot less, not to take him back because he will do it again.

@Angrybird123

Christ, really? Another one of these absolute bell-ends? OP I'm sorry. Not dissimilar happened to me a few years back. Its like a switch flipped and my H was gone. Total stranger from that point on. Be prepared for him to start rewriting history about how he's been miserable for ages, possibly never even really loved you or wanted kids - its all to justify his leaving and is bullshit but will hurt to hear. Please get real life support - this is not a humiliation for you at all - its all on him. Keep hydrated and fed, go on autopilot as a pp said for the kids. Tell work too. Even though its a placement you should be ok to take a day or two if needed. Hang in there x

Same happened to me too. Only 2 months ago and it's still so raw. Since he left I've read endless amounts of similar awful accounts of these total bell-ends. Mine had wanted to leave for at least the last 2 yrs, I was controlling and he didn't like the way I spoke to him. Ok, well I didn't like the way you constantly sent dic pic's on illicit encounters websites are tried (or did - I don't know) to meet other women for nsa sex. But of course all my fault you met someone else and moved in with her and her child after knowing her 2 weeks leaving me and ourc2 kids broken and financially screwed. Bastards the lot of them.

So sorry to hear this. Just focus on your two priorities for now (your lovely girls and finishing your degree). Everything else can go to shit but you need to cuddle them and you absolutely need to graduate. I am clueless about the legal parts of separation but if there is any way you can just freeze everything financial so you can deal with it after you finish the degree, then do that. Don't let him whine and sidetrack you just because he's in a hurry to get on with his sad new life.

As PP have said, and I am very sorry to confirm, he will be back. When his shiny new life doesnt actually live up to his expectations.

The good news is that by then, you wont want him.

Take care sweetie

OP you sound so lovely. You and your DC will get through this. What a stupid self centred man child he is.

@HellToTheNope

Change the locks. Your idiot of a husband can stay with his new girlfriend, who will undoubtedly dump him within the month.

So true. Just as soon as she finds out he doesn:t have a big house and a pool like his friend's.

....and when she finds out that whatever he does have is half owned by the OP and isnt suddenly going to become hers. Oh and that his income is going to be reduced significantly by the child support, rent and bill he is having to pay all on his own....

Thank you all so much, I really mean it.

I managed to get some badly needed sleep.

Monday throughout the day he was messaging me, telling me about his day. Telling me he loved me and then by Monday night my life is over. Tuesday he came and devastated my girls, our lives are shattered and the only reason he gives is that he needs time on his own.

sending love OP, glad you got some rest. Hope you and the girls have a day of cuddles today, with no extra stresses. Focus on them and yourself from now on xx

* He came to speak to the kids, they were hysterical and begging him not to go.*

Prior to all this, for the decades beforehand, was he an otherwise very good father? And partner?

I only ask because you say * steady reliable husband * and your response was to be “pissed off” and angry that your course may be disrupted but no where do you say devastated or sad or heartbroken

Just wondering how YOU felt about him

Sorry OP my husband said he needed to leave and “find himself” . He found himself round the corner with my best friend! It’s great that you have nearly finished your degree and will hopefully easily find a job. Make sure you get maintenance arranged asap on a formal agreement. If there is another woman he may start messing about with finances once the initial guilt has worn off. It’s horrible but you will get through it and come out stronger. I initially didn’t tell friends and family in case he came back as I still wanted him and I felt humiliated . As soon as I did they were all very supportive and got me through a bad time . Take all the help you can get . Good luck x

He was a very good dad, very hands on. He doted on the girls and they worshipped the ground he walked on.

As a husband he was, I thought he was my soulmate. He was my best friend, I love him deeply. I honestly thought we would be together forever.

As I mentioned in my OP in the last few weeks he started changing and I could feel something was wrong even though he was saying the right things.

The reason I confronted him and this is going to sound odd, but he went to get petrol Monday evening. But for the first time ever, he didn't want to take the girls with him, he was weirdly adamant about it.

The person stood in front of us yesterday was a stranger, a cold empty stranger.

I am angry, very very angry and I want to lash out and put his car windows through. But also very scared, scared for the future. Scared for my children, scared that the degree I slogged my guts out for, for the last three years is down the toilet. Scared of the pain that's coming when the other woman eventually pops up.

You must be completely blindsided by all this and I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time. I can't offer any more advice that you haven't already had but I imagine you're in shock so give yourself some time to get your head around things and look after yourself and your precious girls

OP do you share a joint bank account? If so, withdraw half the amount to see you through for a bit. I've seen this advised on here before, do a big shop & buy any next size shoes/clothes from the joint account. Make any large purchases from the joint account before you separate your finances.

Make copies of important documents like his wage slips, assets, shares, bank statements. Put this somewhere safe and make a claim for child maintenance ASAP before he says he's broke.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/getting-a-divorce