Husband walked out tonight

[Username2101]

In the past few weeks my steady reliable husband has changed drastically. He went on a works party and basically came back a different person, he's become extremely focused about his weight. He's going out every weekend with "friends" he's never mentioned before, he's coming home later and later from work and making excuses to get out of the house.

I confronted him tonight and asked him very bluntly wtf is going on, I mean all this basically screams other woman. He started going on about him wanting to spend time with his friends and that he's the ONLY person in the whole wide world who has to ask for permission. (He doesn't)

I told him if he wanted his freedom so badly he can pack his bags, piss off and have it permanently. He walked out and went to stay with his friend, the friend who has regular parties with all the local 18 year old girls who think that a 45 year old man with a big house and a swimming pool is exciting.

Now I'm panicking, what on earth do I tell the children in the morning about where their daddy has gone, I have 2 months left of my degree and I'm at bloody placement until May. How am I meant to advise people about their lives when mine is a disaster.

I know it's too late for oldest DD, but for the younger 2 - fo rnow just say he's satying with a friend and make him explain what's going on to them. He's the one that's casued it so he should be the one to deal with it.

Exactly the same happened to me OP, right down to being a student social worker too. I suspect mine felt a bit threatened that I was about to qualify into a better position than him and that all my attention wasn’t focused on him. He had another woman. I actually found work a blessing as it took my mind off what was going on for the time I was there, due to how full on it was. He realised he made a mistake a year later, but was too late for me then. You’ll get through this

Some of the best social workers i know are the ones who have had social workers themselves or some form of trauma. People in the helping professions are still People and no one escapes normal life.
You can get through this op. 2 months is nothing and will fly by. Its hard but plow on. It will be worth it. Leave your h to it. Forget him. This is your time to put yourself first.
I have been a social worker for many years and its not called the degree of divorce for nothing. You now know things the average person does not and you view life through a different lense and learn not to tolerate people's crap.

His behaviour just screams I want to fuck around.

You've done the right thing. Let him go follow his penis. Yes it will be tough for you but better that that a ridiculous man sniffing round young women taking up space in your house.

What an arse.
You and your children will get through this.

The good news is that you have a careen plan. You have worked hard and are about to embark on something new which can provide an income. There’s obviously a lot of grit in you that you have got to this point in your studies. You deserve to be respected (by yourself as well as others). However this pickle unravels, you have a future of potential and possibilities ahead of you. You have already been a great example of strength, determination, time management, and resourcefulness to your children. Keep going.

I’m sorry op he’s not that man you hoped he was

You said your oldest is 17, how old are the other two kids? Will you need a baby sitter to finish your placement?

Tell you H (not ask) when he has to do school runs etc. You don't just get to walk away. Parents don't get to do that!

You can get through this and be the best SW ever with empathy that a book cannot teach you.

People don’t change your overnight for nothing unfortunately. The fact he tried to throw it straight back onto you trying to make you look controlling doesn’t bode well. You need to get your course finished so hard as it is you need to focus on that as a career is probably going to be needed.

So sorry he’s treating you like this x

Major dickhead.

@Username2101

I'm a student social worker, I'm so fucking angry he's doing this now. If he isn't cheating yet, he has plans for it. I don't know where to go from here. I've been cheated on once by a previous partner, I won't tolerate it again.

I wasn't even bothered about him going out, I was more angry that I'm left to do a full time placement, uni work and come home spend all my evenings and weekends cleaning and looking after the kids whilst he's off having fun.

Men really are so so shit.

I’m sorry you are having to deal with this @Username2101. I just wanted to say, don’t lose sight of your admirable goal or lose confidence in your ability to help others when your own life has gone off course. I’m a psychotherapist and I have had that sense of being an imposter when my own life has gone wrong while I’m helping others but actually our life experiences make us ultimately better equipped to help others and to see the nuances of other people’s difficulties. You sound like you have focus and drive and combined with life experience you will be an asset.

I think all you can do is what you’ve done and tell your younger girls, for now, that he’s working elsewhere etc, until you’ve spoken to him again and in the meantime, to quote that MN cliche “get your ducks in a row”. I totally agree with others that you should gather support around you, both from your university and also from your closest friends/family.

He’s a short-sighted fool and he will have to deal with the derision he’s likely to get for such damaging (and rather clichéd) behaviour. That’s his problem, it says nothing about you

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Hi OP, this happened to me (at the end of my SW degree!). Struggle through - get it finished, I imagine this something you have wanted to do for a long time.

He is a dick, let him go. I'm 7 years on and so much better off without him.

Tell him he has to be resident parent. You're leaving as you need to finish your course and placement, so you will have them every other weekend and dinner on Wednesdays. Just for the amusement of the look on his face. But seriously consider it. No CMS to pay as you are a student and they will likely hate it and want to move back in with you after you have finished your studies and start earning again. See how attractive a 45 year old man with 3 kids in tow is to 18 yrs olds.

He came to speak to the kids, they were hysterical and begging him not to go.

He was icy cold and started telling them about houses he's looking to rent.

But hey he says it's not my fault, he is in a "weird" place, but he definitely wants a divorce.

So that's that, a broken family, three sobbing little girls. But at least he gets to play out with his friends.

Gosh.

Sounds like he had already made up his mind.

What an awful way to treat your own children and wife.

Hope you manage to console them x x x

I’m so sorry, what a prick. Have you got real life people you can talk to?

I'm so sorry op.

I know you are angry -use that anger and if you are able get to a solicitor and see where you stand.

Ride the anger and get your ducks in a row. Make it work for you.

Sorry you are going through this ! Stay focussed on getting your degree though . He’s an absolute embarrassment honestly guarantee he will come crawling back aswell eughh

I'll be honest, I humiliated myself and begged him not to do this.
He definitely had this planned for a while.

No decent man could look at his sobbing children and be ok with it.

Get angry. Change the locks get a solicitor - this isn’t you it is him - he’s out shagging and behaving like he is 18 and not in his 40s so let him but do not let him back

Ps let the kids school know asap
What is going on - so they can offer support and counselling

First of all, a hug for you.

He's made it official so now you rally the troops. Any friends or family who can help, call in support.

Absolutely prioritise your health, your children and finishing your degree. You are going to be ok. Eat and drink, breathe, sleep. Talk to your course director if you need to about work stuff. Solicitor's appointment too.

@Username2101

I'll be honest, I humiliated myself and begged him not to do this. He definitely had this planned for a while.

No decent man could look at his sobbing children and be ok with it.

I'm so sorry OP. It's downright horrible when you realise your DH is not a decent man.

(it's a realisation I had to come to, also - mine left without much warning either).

Your kids are lucky, they have you.

Eventually, hopefully , he'll realise he's effed up majorly and will go some way to mending his relationship with them - but it's going to take time.

Meanwhile all I can suggest is that you just take each day as it comes x

I'm so sorry OP.

I would definitely suspect OW, even if he denies it. I've had various experiences (my Dad and my ex) and I've come to realise that men are detached, cold and calculating when they have someone else to keep their bed warm.

Look after yourself and your DC