Husband walked out tonight

[Username2101]

In the past few weeks my steady reliable husband has changed drastically. He went on a works party and basically came back a different person, he's become extremely focused about his weight. He's going out every weekend with "friends" he's never mentioned before, he's coming home later and later from work and making excuses to get out of the house.

I confronted him tonight and asked him very bluntly wtf is going on, I mean all this basically screams other woman. He started going on about him wanting to spend time with his friends and that he's the ONLY person in the whole wide world who has to ask for permission. (He doesn't)

I told him if he wanted his freedom so badly he can pack his bags, piss off and have it permanently. He walked out and went to stay with his friend, the friend who has regular parties with all the local 18 year old girls who think that a 45 year old man with a big house and a swimming pool is exciting.

Now I'm panicking, what on earth do I tell the children in the morning about where their daddy has gone, I have 2 months left of my degree and I'm at bloody placement until May. How am I meant to advise people about their lives when mine is a disaster.

My DD is extremely sensitive and has a really negative self image which we are working on. Well I will now, I guess.

Thank you for the benefits advice, I will get onto that asap. He's claiming he will continue to pay all the bills, but I'm guessing the guilt train will end soon.

Despite his protests I know there has to be another woman waiting in the wings. Either that or his single friends have convinced him how great it is.

My placement have been great and have given me a few days off to sort myself out.

Op, I'm so very sorry. Have you someone to call to come and help?

OP💐 Self care! The worst is watching the dc's hurting. But use that to gain strength. Talk to your tutor about how many days you need to do, explore the possibility of finishing earlier..we were passed at 80 days due to Covid last year.
You will be an assert to SW, and hopefully your new career will give you and your family the security you need.
As for ex....he is playing by the script..so be prepared. Wishing lots of luck...it does get better.

You’ve def not done anything wrong. I feel
so bad for you and your DC. He’s really pulled the rug out from under you.

3yrs ago my XH dumped me: we’d separated in the Jan as he couldn’t stand me asking him about his going AWOL, drinking etc (you know, usual shit someone in my position would have asked, seeing as we have DC!), but we’d talked about him living apart, getting sober and us working on the marriage. I worked on the marriage. It’s almost exactly 3yrs ago that he dumped me/told me that it wouldn’t work. He promptly moved in with OW (who I later found out he’d been seeing for at least 2-3 months). Obvs, younger, shiny, new OW was best thing since sliced bread and understood him way better than I possibly ever could. I filed for divorce. 4 months later they split (that was a massive drama! It was hilarious), and he was begging to come back. I refused.

It’s a shit time, and I know you probably can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. But it’s early days and you (and the kids) will do just fine. I’m so glad you have a few days off to sort things. Defo get in touch with UC, council tax and maybe find out about some local
Solicitors (you don’t have to do anything right away but it’s good to get info). At least then, some of the practical stuff has been sorted. They were all really kind to me. If you feel up to it, rally the troops (your mates/family), and get his stuff packed away so you don’t have to see it everyday. Wishing you so much strength and a virtual hug x

I'm so sorry, OP. You will get over this and be so much better off without him.

@Username2101

It's all just so fucking weird, it's literally out of nowhere. One argument and it's divorce time and he's looking at flats.

I'm on student finance, I have no money. Only saving grace is that we rent and it's in my name. So at least he can't take our home too.

My kids are so confused, hearing my 7 year old telling me she wanted to kill herself has broken me.

I can't do this, it's too hard.

Sending you hugs. Breathe, and make a list of things you need to do. Give school the heads up. Put a claim in for universal credit and also child support! I helped people complete claims years ago when it was CSA and it was backdated from the day of the call. He cannot leave this all to you to handle. It is so selfish that he has taken off and spat his dummy. Why is it a given that all of the children will stay with you and that he can go and live his life with no commitments?! (Not saying you would want the children to go with him)” to the children that he is 50% responsible for. I totally get where you are coming from wanting him to stay after seeing your children upset and also the feeling of you having to go it alone. But just think- even if he did- would it be the same? If he changed how long would it last? And would you be truly happy?

This will make you a stronger person - I can appreciate it doesn’t feel like it now and probably won’t for a few months but you and your children are worth more. You only get one life and it is too short to be disrespected like this and dropped when you try to speak to him about this recent behaviour. This will also teach your girls to expect more from their own partners when they get older.

Please please finish your degree- it is so worth it! Speak to your practise educator and tutor for some slack if you need it with timings of the day or deadlines. I had compassionate leave of a couple of weeks when I was in my second year of my social work degree 5 years ago and so glad I pushed myself to go back and finish instead of putting off for a year. You can do this!

One thing my practise educator used to tell me when I was feeling a bit upset/looked tired - a little slick of lipstick can make you feel powerful!

Speak to school as well. You may qualify for free school meals. They should also be able to help with the girls and support them in their fragile state.
I'm so sorry he's done this. It seems so heartless. :(

Also op, when you have your shit together and are stable in your life and happy with it, expect to see him back asking for another chance.

You poor thing. Remember the way he has treated you and your children tonight, and when he trys to worm his way back months down the line remember how he made you feel.
No decent man would behave with such callous disregard for his children and for what? To hang out with his single pals and other young women. He is no prize.

Have you anyone close that could come by and support you? Take care of yourself and your DC as first priority ,you are stronger than you know and will get through this I promise you x

Sad bastards had his head turned. Its not your life that's a mess, it's his. Not putting up with his shit shows you have your head screwed on and you will be fine!

Keep the communication open with your children and if the relationship is over for definite make a schedule for them to have time with their dad. It will be hard for them of course if will, but consistent time with both parents will enable them to get a routine and this will become a new normality.

Have some 1-1 time with each child (even 10 mins at bedtime) to check in with them , hear their worries and reaffirm your love and support for them. If you have concerns regarding self harm if this is mentioned more/changes in behaviour then service six I believe you can self refer to for support.

Please dont cave and take him back if it all goes pear shaped for him, and he comes back telling you what a mistake he made.

You did the right thing Username2101, you have kept your dignity and kudos to you, it can't have been easy.

For now I would tell the children as much or little as is necessary but don't lie to them.

For you, think what you want, see a solicitor to find out your options, get ahead of the game he is playing, be prepared and knowledgeable.

Your ability to advise your clients about their lives is not diminished by this on the contrary it is strengthened, don't do yourself down.

Good luck, and I'm sorry that your husband has chosen to treat you and his children like this, he is indeed a shit.

Find your anger OP.
This utter prick has made your life hell for no good reason.
He’s hurt your children emotionally.
I second the view that you text/email him telling him that he a) needs to pay maintenance b) care for the children c) file for divorce if he wants it d) pay towards anything he owes .
Tell your landlord and get his name taken off the tenancy agreement.
Apply for the benefits (UC and council tax single person discount).
Reassure your children it’ll be ok - because it will.
Maybe try doing something fun with them all- on Saturday sit together, eat popcorn/cake (whatever), watch silly films, go for a long walk somewhere, spray shaving foam everywhere (if there’s a non stinky variety) with music blaring.. anything that you can all do that shows life isn’t over because of his selfishness

Keserina thank you and you're right. The relationship will never be the same again.

I need to put my social worker head on and start making lists.

The girls are staying off school tomorrow so we can all get out bearings. We are gonna buy junk food and watch terrible films.

I never in a million years thought he would do this, I'm completely blindsided.

Must be every minute a seemingly family man turns into an utter twat.

He will behave in ways you could have never imagined, he has lost the right now to any respect from you.

Act acordingly, he is now a stranger and a horrible one at that.

Do not take his re writing and vitriol to heart, this is always done to reduce their own guilt, the more guilt they feel the more obnoxious they are
A complete fool who has endangered losing his family over some stupid friendship with someone else, he has now ended your friendship and maybe lost the friendship of his children.

Unfortunately no mater how hard the betrayed party tries to unify the ex and his children, it never works out the same, something gets lost when men betray children's mothers.
It's an unfortunate by product of affairs and mid life crisises, believe me he is the one that has lost, he's a waster, a tosser and now has shown the world his hand, he wasn't up to the job.

Now, self care, hydrate, eat whatever you can and get the support you need, do not lie for him, open up and let him soak up all that humiliation that is his. He will blame you like crazy, do not for one minute listen, it is all a show to make his pain of being a deadbeat dad go away.

My advice, is not to communicate, only by email but be civil in correspondence, remember he is now a stranger. Do not send him angry texts he will use these against you, he knows how angry you are and how quickly he has sprung this on you, he is expecting vitriol.
This vitriol will be used by him to show the world you are crazy, unreasonable and vicious, he will show it to his parents, his ow, his healthcare professionals, his solicitor. Remember this in the early days.
Only speak to him in person, no written anger.

What I will say at the moment, you do not know if this is what he really wants, the leaving, throwing in the divorce card, and the hurting of the children explaining his departure could actually just be him trying to get his space and freedom, till he knows for sure what he wants to do.
He has thrown you and the family into a paralytical fear, that fear can immobilise you.

Phone a solicitor and make an appointment, get your ducks in a row for any eventuality, he will not expect this.

This is now a game for him to win, a game within a number of months he may regret he ever began.
He's a complete bastard, I'm so sorry, we are all here for you supporting you, ask us any question we have been through every scenario.

Take care

@Loveagingernut

How am I meant to advise people about their lives when mine is a disaster….

This experience will make you a better SW. at least when giving advise , you will have knowledge and understanding of what the client is going through

This. The best social workers are those who have been through stuff and come out the other side.

@Username2101

I'll be honest, I humiliated myself and begged him not to do this. He definitely had this planned for a while.

No decent man could look at his sobbing children and be ok with it.

That’s because he’s not a decent man OP.

This sounds eerily similar to my own ex. It was like a light switch how quickly he changed, plus the icy silence and brick wall persona.
There was, of course, another woman although she wasn’t publicly revealed until a few months after we split.

I’m so sorry he’s doing this to you. All I can say is harden your heart, get tough with him and do not play the ‘pick me’ game. I hope you’ve got good friends you can offload onto - don’t let him have any of your emotion. He doesn’t deserve it.

I haven’t read the full thread and cannot advise about your husband but please make sure you finish your degree. The 100 day placements you can make up the time …my niece has had to miss days because her child has been unwell with various bugs and not able to attend nursery.
Her placement officer/ mentor has been absolutely fine about it.
Good luck 💐

That's a great plan for tomorrow op. Good thinking.

They can really learn so much from you here with how you handle this.

You cannot control what he does or what the children see from his side ...but you absolutely have all control at home with them.

You're obviously in social work for a reason.
You know how to problem solve and must have a wonderful heart and soul.
You can and will absolutely do this and you'll do it well.

OP I've been very much where you are and my DD was also suicidal. Fast forward 7 bumpy years and she's doing brilliantly. It's so awful for you and your kids right now but it will get better.

If you can let your tutor and practice educator know that you have real world stuff going on. Remember the exam boards meet twice a year I think and if you have written work due you can apply for exceptional circumstances.

If money Is an issue you can apply to your unis emergency fund and/or speak to student advice.

You will have options, also your uni will have counselling and other support available.

Also what a wanker! I hope you have a couple of close friends you can open up to and rely on x

No need to panic, but take as much advantage of whatever guilt induced offers to pay as they won’t last for long once he is paying rent elsewhere.

If it helps, divorce processes take a while, you have time to arrange universal credit, finish your degree, and even find a job before the divorce goes through.

I am pretty sure, however that he will be back at home very soon.

@Username2101

Keserina thank you and you're right. The relationship will never be the same again.

I need to put my social worker head on and start making lists.

The girls are staying off school tomorrow so we can all get out bearings. We are gonna buy junk food and watch terrible films.

I never in a million years thought he would do this, I'm completely blindsided.

It won’t- something has obviously changed for him/in his head and you would only be craving the relationship you did have not what it has suddenly become. It is totally unfair the way he had treated you and the children and he could have been a lot more supportive of you in your last year (I recall how hard the last year is getting everything all finished).

Yes- always good to try and be organised so you can refer back to as when we are upset we all get in a mess. Also think of it as if this situation happened to a service user what would you be thinking would be their best way forward for their own and childrens wellbeing long term.

I think that’s an excellent idea - mental well-being day off- all of you chill! It’s ok to be honest and tell your children that you aren’t certain right now on how everything is going to be with arrangements etc but that you can all talk to each other and will get through it. Drawing is very therapeutic and good for kids- sure you know that- but I have found it so helpful for children to express themselves when they don’t necessarily want to say anything out loud. Thought for the future though not bombarding you to start anything now.

I totally get this and unfortunately he has chosen to leave at this time with the children knowing how hard you have worked with uni and you are nearly there. Not supportive or thinking of what is going to benefit you! But if the tables were reversed I’m sure he would expect you to support him!

Also- when the children are at school and you get some time to yourself at home or in the car get yourself a positive motivational song playlist and blast it out!

Sending a heartfelt handhold OP, been there, Mumsnet and friends got me through it. He is noone. He will regret it. You won't, in the end. As Mumsnet says,take the moral high ground, being dignified feels good, see your solicitor, remember that your daughters have their role model, its you, and you don't have to be perfect. A massive hug going to you