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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband walked out tonight

687 replies

Username2101 · 21/03/2022 23:23

In the past few weeks my steady reliable husband has changed drastically. He went on a works party and basically came back a different person, he's become extremely focused about his weight. He's going out every weekend with "friends" he's never mentioned before, he's coming home later and later from work and making excuses to get out of the house.

I confronted him tonight and asked him very bluntly wtf is going on, I mean all this basically screams other woman. He started going on about him wanting to spend time with his friends and that he's the ONLY person in the whole wide world who has to ask for permission. (He doesn't)

I told him if he wanted his freedom so badly he can pack his bags, piss off and have it permanently. He walked out and went to stay with his friend, the friend who has regular parties with all the local 18 year old girls who think that a 45 year old man with a big house and a swimming pool is exciting.

Now I'm panicking, what on earth do I tell the children in the morning about where their daddy has gone, I have 2 months left of my degree and I'm at bloody placement until May. How am I meant to advise people about their lives when mine is a disaster.

OP posts:
Planetbippop · 23/03/2022 06:57

Classic affair I'm very sorry to say, mine was exactly the same. He will be telling them he's neglected because you've had your head in the books. How very dare you try to improve yourself!

Firstly, right now he thinks the grass is greener. Lord he's in for a shock lol! Secondly, it's far to soon to be making any firm decisions or thinking too far ahead. You need this time to cool off & think...really think.

The younger children only need to be told there's been a falling out & DH is sulking round at his mates. 17yo DD is trickier but for now, it is what it is.

Having been in your shoes & survived it, you did the right thing last night. He's been disrespecting you & your marriage, he needed a sharp punch in the face, to bring him back down to earth again. Well delivered in my opinion.

Don't contact him, let him come to you because he is the one who owes an explanation. Easier said than done but it's now you need to be strong & show him you won't be disrespected again.

MsWalterMitty · 23/03/2022 06:57

He’s a dick op… he’ll come to realise that soon enough I’m sure! But if he comes crawling back I don’t think I could accept him.

You’ll be great on your own! You’re in a great position with your degree! Nearly finished! There’s loads of jobs in SW. Is your 7yr old your youngest?… If so, then life just gets easier time wise!

lightand · 23/03/2022 06:57

@Username2101

It's all just so fucking weird, it's literally out of nowhere. One argument and it's divorce time and he's looking at flats.

I'm on student finance, I have no money. Only saving grace is that we rent and it's in my name. So at least he can't take our home too.

My kids are so confused, hearing my 7 year old telling me she wanted to kill herself has broken me.

I can't do this, it's too hard.

Personally I would be doing two things
  1. Keep your husband informed about your kids. Including all the not so nice stuff.
They are his kids too, they need him, and he doesnt get to just walk away guilt free.
  1. Find out all you can, discreetly or not, about his "friends"
Obviously things are going on[who knows what], which you know nothing about. Knowledge is power in lots of ways.
Alrightqueenie · 23/03/2022 06:59

P. S. buy a lottery ticket after you've officially divorced him so you don't have to share your winnings! Grin Wink

pusspuss9 · 23/03/2022 07:00

@Fere

Next time you see him remind him of his responsibilities as a father to have his kids some evenings every other weekend and half of school holidays. He better rents a big place to have all 3 of them. This will cheer him up.
but you're punishing the children and using them as a weapon at a point in their lives when they might not want to spend time with a dad like that. I see this so often on here - push the children on to him so he knows what it's like but what about the poor kid's feelings. They're probably devastated and the last thing they need is to be pushed aside as though their feelings don't matter. I understand that childcare needs to be shared, but to immediately jump to. 'you can have the kids then, then and then, is a massive bad step right at the beginning unless they are missing their Dad and want this contact. I think it sends a message to them that Mummy doesn't want them either.
comfortablyfrumpy · 23/03/2022 07:01

OP your degree is not dos the toilet. You will finish it. Speak to your Uni, make sure they know shat has happened and take any support they offer.

As others have said, look for any financial paperwork (though he has probably hidden it already) - savings, pensions etc and take copies.

implantreplace · 23/03/2022 07:04

Last two months of a three year course?

Talk to your tutor. Today. Explain situation.

Grasping · 23/03/2022 07:05

Focus on you OP.
You are your absolute priority right now.
Yes, your children are important too but it’s that ‘put on you own gas mask first’ scenario. Your DD is 17 and you will be amazed at her resilience. She will help.

Do speak to someone about your degree. You will get help/an extension. You are so nearly there and work will help, honestly.

It’s his responsibility to tell the DCs. You don’t have to do everything.

You will get through this.

stimpyyouidiot · 23/03/2022 07:09

Op I was the child in this situation. I was 11-12ish at the time. And the oldest of my siblings. I heard everything, my siblings didn't (and I helped my mum with them too).

I didn't speak to my dad for over a decade as I was so horrified at his behaviour - even now, it's once or twice a year in a restaurant.

It has shaped my life but in a good way (in the end). My mum and I are very close, and I am stronger for it. It's hard to realise your dad is a total shit when you believed the total opposite. I watched my mum struggle, but get through with grit, she's much better off now than with a total bastard who treats her like shit.

You'll be okay, in the end. You can do it.

SameToo · 23/03/2022 07:13

It’s not 3 years down the toilet if you’re referring to your degree. Don’t let him ruin that too.

TolkiensFallow · 23/03/2022 07:14

Oh love, I’m so sorry about this. It’s so awful.

Fellow Social Worker here, make sure you tell your course leaders aswell as the placement and they will help with extension etc.

Have you any family support around to help you get through the end of your course and qualified?

HabitsDieHard · 23/03/2022 07:18

Such an awful shock I'm sorry for you and your girls. Sending you strengthBrewCake

Original poster
Username2101 · 23/03/2022 07:18

I am reading through these replies and your stories are breaking my heart, but it helps to know there is an end in sight.

I haven't contacted him since he came yesterday and I won't. I so badly want to put all this on Facebook for all his family and friends to see. I want to ruin his life like he's ruined mine.

I'm trying desperately to stay classy but it's difficult

OP posts:
HailAdrian · 23/03/2022 07:18

YOUR life isn't a disaster. His, however, is.

Yes!

Villagewaspbyke · 23/03/2022 07:20
Flowers
HailAdrian · 23/03/2022 07:20

He sounds pathetic, tell him to enjoy his midlife crisis.

StormyWaterCloud · 23/03/2022 07:21

Deep breaths OP. Don't do anything in regards to him, rashly.
Focus on YOU in terms of answering some of your worries re: your course and placement. There might be a hardship grant you can access or similar scheme.
Fast forward to six months time- when your a NQSW in your role, with a strong resilient 17/18 year old daughter living your best lives.
You CAN do this. Just one day at a time until it gets easier

implantreplace · 23/03/2022 07:21

@Username2101

I am reading through these replies and your stories are breaking my heart, but it helps to know there is an end in sight.

I haven't contacted him since he came yesterday and I won't. I so badly want to put all this on Facebook for all his family and friends to see. I want to ruin his life like he's ruined mine.

I'm trying desperately to stay classy but it's difficult

Honestly This would be terrible for your children, terrible

Pleas don’t
My friends husband did the same as yours
5 years ago
She didn’t say a word to anyone but very close friends
Focussed on her children and herself

She’s utterly thriving now

SexiestDogWalker · 23/03/2022 07:24

Someone once said to me that cheating men always downgrade. They’re either picking someone who knows they’re helping destroy a family and cause lasting damage to an innocent woman and children, or they’re picking someone who hasn’t got the intelligence or integrity to ask.

PurpleFlower1983 · 23/03/2022 07:26

Be strong OP, get through your degree as a priority, it will be the best thing for you and your girls and you have come so far. Sometimes people do change for the worse, it’s ok to grieve the people they were but time to get angry at the utter twat he has become now. Let anger fuel you and think practically for you and your girls.

beastlyslumber · 23/03/2022 07:27

What an arsehole he is, OP. But you and your daughters are going to be okay. Just keep going Flowers

wishywashy6 · 23/03/2022 07:31

What an absolute dick.

Don't really have many words other than take things one step at a time. You and your girls will be fine.
He'll probably come crawling back at some point, most likely when he sees you're doing just fine without him. Stay strong.

Silly little man

WellThatsMeScrewed · 23/03/2022 07:33

@Username2101 please please finish your degree. Talk to your Practice Educator and your academic advisor. Let them know you want to crack on but you want them to know that if you don’t seem yourself this is why.

You can do this.

Keep talking to MN! The women here will have your back.

BR1967 · 23/03/2022 07:44

If you find another woman is involved tell him you will be sure to let her know he only has 50% of a big house and pool. And will have---50% child care too!!!! That ought to be thought provoking!

Macaroni1924 · 23/03/2022 07:53

I am so so sorry you are going through this but I promise you your strength will kick in big time and you will be absolutely fine. You will finish your degree because then you will provide a life for your precious girls without needing him or worrying if he will pay a bill. You will laugh and have fun with ur girls again. There will be moments of sadness but I promise you what you will feel is pride because when the girls are in bed and you sit down at night you will realise that you are the one running a home, being a parent, going to work/study. You have got this, give yourself time to grieve the relationship, stick a plan in place and go with it. The biggest way to hurt him is to show how amazing you, your daughters and your life is without him.