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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I asked my bf if he is embarrassed by me this is his response . I don’t know what to make of it.

748 replies

Yorkshiregurl1 · 20/03/2022 14:16

So, I asked my bf if he’s embarrassed by me as we never venture out of town for food or on day trips etc . This is his response. No one’s ever said anything like this to me so I don’t know what to make of it ?

Being embarrassed about you.
Well I didn’t want to say this but it is the elephant in the room so it’s being noticed so I suppose I’ll be honest. Imagine every time I came to see you I wore odd mismatching shoes would you sit there quietly? You probably would but you would notice and somewhere deep inside you would think ahh FFS!! In the same way I struggle with your make up application and choices. The amount of times I’ve seen squiggly lines or poor application of make up it’s pretty obvious it’s not your skill. The last time I saw you in my head I was thinking what the hell have you done to your eyes that’s probably the worse make up choice and application I’ve seen. It’s at a point I been searching for make up lessons as a gift! So I don’t need to tell you but now that you asked. It shouldn’t bother me but it’s been getting under my skin to a point where I think you look better without it but no you choose bizarre lipstick colours which don’t match you complexion etc. i can categorically say that some of the artwork you done on your face especially around the eyes is the worst I’ve ever seen. I’m sorry if that’s not what you want to hear but I didn’t want to wake to read this crap aswell.

OP posts:
ChangefortheBetter88 · 21/03/2022 09:27

He’s gay

Newestname002 · 21/03/2022 09:28

@Tamworth123

(Oh and his level of focus on female styling would make make wonder if he's closet gay, to boot).

Take it he's divorced, his poor fkg ex wife.

Oh and his level of focus on female styling would make make wonder if he's closet gay, to boot

I did wonder.... 🌹

Tamworth123 · 21/03/2022 09:31

In fact maybe he doesn't want seen with op because his (not out but committed) male partner beloved he no longer dates women. Hmm

Tamworth123 · 21/03/2022 09:32

*believes

Tamworth123 · 21/03/2022 09:33

@ChangefortheBetter88

He’s gay
His focus on styling and cattiness are certainly "Ru Paul's Drag Race" level.
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 21/03/2022 09:36

Oh well, time for him to find another girlfriend (or boyfriend!)

Have you dumped him yet?

both being indian we have a thing about not being seen by family when we are out etc

Which I suppose is why you didn't notice and ask him earlier. Now you know what he thinks (or part of what he thinks), he needs to be out of your life. This will not be the only nasty thing he is going to say about you. You challenged him and he went on the attack, possibly with the first thing that came into his head.

I am not convinced this is about make-up at all. More likely he has some other reason for not wanting to be seen with you - maybe another girlfriend and doesn't want her / his friends / his family to find out about you, maybe no-one else but he has no intention at all of getting serious about you and doesn't want anyone else to think you are a serious relationship - but anyway he will come up with other excuses, and based on what he just said all of his excuses will be attacks on you.

So whether it is about make-up or not, he really turned on you and if he's done it once he can do it again. What he is saying is that "you are not good enough" and one way or another he is not going to stop saying it.

Dump him now. I'm really sorry.

Tamworth123 · 21/03/2022 09:37

"..... but no you choose bizarre lipstick colours which don’t match you complexion ....."

Said no heterosexual man ever.

hoorayandupsherises · 21/03/2022 09:40

My ex used to point out people on the TV or in the street with hairstyles he thought I should get, he bought me a box set of make up, clothes for Valentine's Day (including a woolly polo neck) and was weird about introducing me to friends, would say stuff about me having "potential".

It sounds like not very much, but it wore down my self-esteem. He cheated and I "forgave" him. Eventually he did it again (probably quite quickly looking back too, but I didn't know about it then). Fortunately I had to be away for a year for work, which allowed me to get the emotional distance to end it.

It's only looking back that I can see the fact that he eroded my confidence so much that I accepted him cheating on me, as if I didn't deserve any better.

I'm not suggesting that your partner is cheating, but just wanted to highlight how deep the impact of this kind of controlling behaviour goes. And it if it's subtly done, suddenly you're a boiled frog.

That message was nasty, OP. Take care of yourself

Tamworth123 · 21/03/2022 09:40

I am not convinced this is about make-up at all. More likely he has some other reason for not wanting to be seen with you - maybe another girlfriend and doesn't want her / his friends / his family to find out about you

This.

But i think it's also not impossible the other person/people are not female.

I'm presuming coming out is something a guy could not do easily or at all in op's culture.

BakeOffRewatch · 21/03/2022 09:45

He’s done the emotional equivalent of slapping you in the face cos he was annoyed, for you daring to be imperfect and messaging at 4am. Your feelings of being upset, stunned and numb are totally reasonable and natural after such an event. Slippery slope that’s already got you self-doubting and too embarrassed to speak to your support network - your self esteem is the most important thing you have, don’t lose it with this guy!

Tamworth123 · 21/03/2022 09:46

He's certainly very very angry at btong challenged too, he really went to town on the nastiness.

That level of anger & nastiness suggests a character who thinks he had the right to treat others as he pleases, and they have no right to challenge him. They are bit players, pawns, conveniences and how very dare they challenge his behaviour in any way.

I hate to.use the overused word narcissist but ..... is the the exaggerated, nasty makeup rant an example of narcissistic rage (?)

Sswhinesthebest · 21/03/2022 09:48

Your make up is fine.

You asked and he responded truthfully. That’s fine, although he started off trying to phrase it nicely but ended a bit cruelly.

You shouldn’t change just to please him, if you are happy as you are. It sounds as if you are incompatible and need to move on. It’s not on that you don’t do normal things together,

Tamworth123 · 21/03/2022 09:48

My ex used to point out people on the TV or in the street with hairstyles he thought I should get, he bought me a box set of make up, clothes for Valentine's Day (including a woolly polo neck)

The film Private Benjamin with Goldie Hawn captured that perfectly in her failed relationship (marriage I think) with the French guy.

ManateeFair · 21/03/2022 09:51

This man is trying to break down your self-esteem and make you feel insecure.

That’s why he’s made his comments about your makeup so specific and extreme. He knows you love makeup, he knows you are very good at it, and that’s why he’s chosen that one thing to criticise - because he knows it will totally undermine your self-confidence and make you question yourself. He’s trying to hurt you and control you.

He’s an absolute piece of shit and this is a huge red flag. Dump him, dump him, dump him.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 21/03/2022 09:52

"..... but no you choose bizarre lipstick colours which don’t match you complexion ....."

Said no heterosexual man ever.

Maybe he's repeating something he's heard female relatives say, not necessarily about the OP, to put down other women.

i think it's also not impossible the other person/people are not female.

It's possible but if the OP was his "beard" then surely he'd want to be seen out and about with her and his male partner would understand and excuse? They're avoiding his family and a secret girlfriend is a bit pointless. It's the wrong way round.

Anyway I wouldn't wait around to find out why he said it. There is no good reason. That message was a dealbreaker.

Tamworth123 · 21/03/2022 09:54

Aside from all the cheating, sexuality, narcissism speculation Blush ...

The thing that stands out to he is that he is bound to know that his rant was nasty enough to risk the relationship ending.

The result of what he sent you (even if he couldn't get a hold of his nasty temper when he was writing and sending it) is either a. That you accept that behaviour and continue the relationship, on his terms .... or that b. You stop seeing him.

He appears ok with risking the latter. Which means, fundamentally, he's OK with the relationship ending. He doesn't value it.

That should probably be your focus going forward.

Tamworth123 · 21/03/2022 09:57

It's possible but if the OP was his "beard" then surely he'd want to be seen out and about with her and his male partner would understand and excuse? They're avoiding his family and a secret girlfriend is a bit pointless.

True.

However i was thinking more that he could have an exclusive relationship with a gay partner and is breaking that exclusivity. (Also that he still wants sex with women but hasn't been honest with partner, whoch would make him BI I suppose).

But I agree the :other relationship/s with women" scenario is more likely.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 21/03/2022 09:57

Very good point Tamworth123.

Tamworth123 · 21/03/2022 10:00

(Oh and plenty of gay men do not accept beards in a partner, esp if they suspect their partner is actually shagging them).

greentrees9 · 21/03/2022 10:00

@Yorkshiregurl1 he isn’t the one and like so many before me, it’s time to throw this one back in the sea. Do you know why he got divorced? As for me this is one of those clear signs of controlling behaviour - it’s your makeup, then your clothes, then your weight, then something else, something else and on and one and before you know it you’re not the person you were. My ex didn’t like me wearing red lipstick as apparently it meant I was attention seeking - and it was a similar situation! Get rid!

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 21/03/2022 10:00

(Meaning "he is bound to know that his rant was nasty enough to risk the relationship ending....")

ButtonMoonLoon · 21/03/2022 10:01

I’ve read and re-read his message and there is absolutely NO warmth or kindness within it. You deserve so much better than that.
This isn’t somebody who loves you unconditionally.

I wouldn’t want to see him again after a message like that.

Tamworth123 · 21/03/2022 10:04

Anyway who knows re. his sexuality .... maybe he isn't gay/bi but is just a cheating, narcissist with a much higher notice of women's styling than the vast majority of hetero men.

Tamworth123 · 21/03/2022 10:07

All that matters is ...

  • his "hiding" the relationship is dodgy as fuck..
  • he's proper nasty
  • he doesn't really value the relationship
BellePeppa · 21/03/2022 10:13

@ButtonMoonLoon

I’ve read and re-read his message and there is absolutely NO warmth or kindness within it. You deserve so much better than that. This isn’t somebody who loves you unconditionally.

I wouldn’t want to see him again after a message like that.

I agree he sounds unkind but no adult is obliged to love another adult ‘unconditionally’. We love our children unconditionally that is all.