I asked my bf if he is embarrassed by me this is his response . I don’t know what to make of it.

[Yorkshiregurl1]

So, I asked my bf if he’s embarrassed by me as we never venture out of town for food or on day trips etc . This is his response. No one’s ever said anything like this to me so I don’t know what to make of it ?

Being embarrassed about you.
Well I didn’t want to say this but it is the elephant in the room so it’s being noticed so I suppose I’ll be honest. Imagine every time I came to see you I wore odd mismatching shoes would you sit there quietly? You probably would but you would notice and somewhere deep inside you would think ahh FFS!! In the same way I struggle with your make up application and choices. The amount of times I’ve seen squiggly lines or poor application of make up it’s pretty obvious it’s not your skill. The last time I saw you in my head I was thinking what the hell have you done to your eyes that’s probably the worse make up choice and application I’ve seen. It’s at a point I been searching for make up lessons as a gift! So I don’t need to tell you but now that you asked. It shouldn’t bother me but it’s been getting under my skin to a point where I think you look better without it but no you choose bizarre lipstick colours which don’t match you complexion etc. i can categorically say that some of the artwork you done on your face especially around the eyes is the worst I’ve ever seen. I’m sorry if that’s not what you want to hear but I didn’t want to wake to read this crap aswell.

Omg 😲, it's like he's posh, and it's like what will x think seeing you with makeup style z, so to speak, the horror. Etc

my immediate thought was that he is in another relationship and gaslighting you

Bet his dick is minuscule

Ltb

@Pinkbonbon

But op days she hasn't changed her make up since they met. So funny isn't it that it was OK for him then and yet it isn't now. Infact, it's suddenly 'embarrassing'. He's talking shite op. Trying to belittle you so you don't realise you could do miles better. Like a man that actually cares enough to take you on dates for example.

When did he say it was ok for him 'then' ?

He's trying to put you into place to make up for his short comings as a partner. You don't do anything together outside visiting each other's homes and now you've noticed he's getting defensive saying it's your fault because you look ridiculous. You do not look ridiculous. Personally I would never trust a man who told me I looked better without makeup because it's a control thing; I don't want anyone looking at her now she's mine.

This is very much a him problem, he's not your Prince Charming, he's a bellend who doesn't put any effort in and belittles you when you try to change things up.

The whole man needs to go in the bin.

Your eye make up looks lovely! Nothing wrong with how it's been applied at all!
Personally, I would make the wings a little more subtle/smaller now that I'm 37 but that's just me! There's no hard and fast rule. The fact remains, it's been applied beautifully and your (hopefully now) ex is a nasty, cruel little bully

Bin him off. He will never make you feel special about yourself or be supportive of you.

I know there has been a full thread of people saying you look gorgeous and there's nothing wrong with your makeup skills, but I just want to add one more to the long line.

For your own self-esteem, I really think you should dump this absolute asshole. His criticism lacks credibility – anyone with sight can see that you're very skilled at makeup – and if you haven't changed your style, the only thing that has changed is his attitude towards you.

More to the point, though, he replied to your polite and anxious query with utter contempt and disrespect. On top of that, I would put money down that he is outright lying about having looked up makeup lessons for you. There's no way to prove whether he did or didn't – which is exactly the point of such a statement.

It is meant to shame and destabilise you without any possibility of you being able to 'reality-check' what he claims. Fortunately he is obviously too stupid to realise that you're brave enough to reality-check his claims about your makeup skills with an objective audience.

Bin him immediately and celebrate by buying yourself a makeup palette!

Tbh I don’t think you should have asked the question if you didn’t want to know the honest answer.
I think it’s fine that he has this opinion and that he told you about it when asked.
His words do seem a bit of a long tirade though - that seems strange to me, to go into so much detail in one go. Was that all sent as a single message?! Probably a conversation better for face-to-face anyway.

Well he sounds like a prick

[quote Yorkshiregurl1]@FeckTheMagicDragon he prefers me to wear my hair back or up which I do . Clothes wise he has bought me the style he likes and I have bought some of that style too but I don't always wear that when we are together. He's not said I have to wear the clothes he prefers when I'm with him.[/quote]
Yet. He hasn't made outright demands yet.

He might never have to if he squashes you down enough to be constantly on eggshells trying to anticipate his desires and do them without him mentioning anything, in order to avoid verbal abuse like the text you got about makeup.

He's made suggestions about your appearance already which you've tolerated. Now he's moved on to phase two and used your insecurity (displayed in your text) as a cue to ramp up his behaviour with some verbal abuse. This isn't going to get better.

I mean, you're currently trying to decide if you want to date a man who insults you and is rude, leaving you feeling "stunned and numb" at his personal attack of you. You're already affected if your response is to sleep on it then decide. The healthy response is to immediately run a mile from this kind of nonsense.

Control doesn't always look like "you can't do xyz, I forbid it, there'll be consequences if you do, I'll be angry and it'll be your fault" because a lot of people would see through that and dump him. If they do that it often comes later when they've ground you down enough to tolerate it. Instead, control often looks something like "you're a fool to do xyz, no sane and sensible person would even want to do that. I can't take you seriously if you do that. I'm not going out with you if you do that. It's your fault we don't go out. Now we're having an argument about it and that's your fault too. You're so dramatic, I was only trying to help you, why are you so horrible? There's something wrong with you".

I think my DH has a good eye so ask his opinion about my outfit choices all the time.
Sometimes the answer is “that doesn’t really go” and I know he hates frills primarily because he does the ironing and they are a pain to get right. We do disagree.

But NEVER does the answer make me feel like he’d be embarrassed to be seen with me, or that his love or willingness to go out with me is conditional on my outfit choices. (Definitely his willingness to iron them is conditional… and that’s okay)

And vice versa, even when I think he has made a weird fashion choice, I might comment, even tactlessly, but I’d never dream of therefore trying to control where I’m seen with him. I’m always proud to be out with him. Even if he was in clown face.

The love for the makeup/outfit can come and go but the love and pride for the person has to be constant. Regardless of his weird and mean response about your makeup, the fatal admission is that he is in any way embarrassed by you and wants you to change. That speaks volumes about his poor self esteem and how he will continue to make you feel.

Block and ghost.

He went above and beyond by saying things he knew would hurt you. I don't agree with him at all but he could of said it was differently. Horrible man

He’s in his 40s! I thought he was around 22 from his comments.

Get rid of him. He sounds odd and unkind.

His comment is so odd and I can only think he wants you to dump him.

For me, the problem is not liking your make up. Lots of people, men and women, don't like the overly made up look. I think your make up is well applied but not for me, especially during the day . I do find the heavy brow an odd look. But people don't do their make up for me. They do it for themselves and how they like it.

However, you wore your make up when he met you like that. And it's one thing to not be keen on how you do your make up, its another thing to to completely trash you and be embarrassed to be seen out with you.

I do think, whatever answer would have given, you wouldn't have been happy. If he said he wasn't embarrassed, you wouldn't believe him. Not sure there's a tactful way to say 'your make up looks awful' the message is still the same. But he absolutely picked the worst way to say it, which makes me think there's an ulterior motive. He didn't want to just answer your question, honestly. He wanted to hurt you.

Regardless of your make up choices, he’s barmy. Dump and feel free to go where you want!

Haven't read it all but you asked the question and he's given an honest answer .

@breatheinskipthegym

This is a really sinister way of bringing you down. Choosing something that’s positive, you’re clearly good at, that’s important to you and forms your identity, and bringing that thing down. It’s gaslighting, designed to mess with your head, question yourself, rock your certainty and confidence. He wants you to feel as though you’re not good enough, so that you make every move around pleasing him. It creates a power dynamic where he’s the one accepting your ‘flaws’ and you’re on the back foot trying to prove yourself worthy. Except you’re more than worthy, and these flaws aren’t real, he’s just tricking you into thinking they are.

I wish people hadn’t evaluated your makeup and looks, all these slightly snide comments masked as objectivity “well, it’s too heavy for me but it’s good in its own way” is not helpful or even relevant. Your partner should respect your choices and treat you with kindness and consideration, irrespective of whether you’re barefaced 24/7 or go to Tesco in full tiger face paint.

At 44 and 49 you shouldn’t be sneaking around, being secretive. He’s constructed this ‘secretive’ thing (and I know there’s shades of truth in the ‘modesty’ requirement, but you aren’t teenagers and this isn’t the case at your ages/life stages) to keep you right where he wants you.

Break free, plenty of men value a glamorous partner and will respect you and treat you with tenderness.

I'd like you to read this message again OP

This is spot on and describes his gaslighting so well.

I was with someone like this for a relatively short time and it did so much damage. They were brilliant, and no doubt well practiced, at making snide comments about my strengths, which were subtle and dressed up as
"I'm just saying"
"Wouldn't you rather know the truth"
"I've got flaws too, it's not a criticism"
"Other people think this too"
"Oh well I just won't say anything in the future"

It took me far longer to get over this short relationship than my divorce (long marriage and kids).

It's insidious technique designed to undermine and control you.

You deserve so much better

What an incredibly unkind message.
He's being controlling and abusive.
I've looked at your picture and your eyes look stunning in that photo.

He's trying to change you to have more control over you. Please don't allow this to happen. You deserve far better than to be treated this way.

If you continue in this relationship, he will be trying to change your whole look, clothes, make up, perfume etc. before you know it, you'll be a shadow of your former self.
Please reconsider this relationship and look after yourself.

Wow what a horrible man. You can do so much better. Imagine him being your husband it would be a miserable life!! Find someone who actually is attracted to you .

The eye make up is great, the eyebrows are not to my taste but if that's how you want them, fine.

His message is ridiculous - nasty and controlling. He's taken his opportunity to put the boot in.

Sack him for not taking you out and about. He doesn't respect you.