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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I asked my bf if he is embarrassed by me this is his response . I don’t know what to make of it.

748 replies

Yorkshiregurl1 · 20/03/2022 14:16

So, I asked my bf if he’s embarrassed by me as we never venture out of town for food or on day trips etc . This is his response. No one’s ever said anything like this to me so I don’t know what to make of it ?

Being embarrassed about you.
Well I didn’t want to say this but it is the elephant in the room so it’s being noticed so I suppose I’ll be honest. Imagine every time I came to see you I wore odd mismatching shoes would you sit there quietly? You probably would but you would notice and somewhere deep inside you would think ahh FFS!! In the same way I struggle with your make up application and choices. The amount of times I’ve seen squiggly lines or poor application of make up it’s pretty obvious it’s not your skill. The last time I saw you in my head I was thinking what the hell have you done to your eyes that’s probably the worse make up choice and application I’ve seen. It’s at a point I been searching for make up lessons as a gift! So I don’t need to tell you but now that you asked. It shouldn’t bother me but it’s been getting under my skin to a point where I think you look better without it but no you choose bizarre lipstick colours which don’t match you complexion etc. i can categorically say that some of the artwork you done on your face especially around the eyes is the worst I’ve ever seen. I’m sorry if that’s not what you want to hear but I didn’t want to wake to read this crap aswell.

OP posts:
Ilostit · 21/03/2022 07:06

He’s happy to keep you at home and use you as a fuck buddy. Plus the secrecy of the relationship at this age? I have lots of Indian friends that did this in the 90s and 00s when we were in our 20s and Teens! Not now though! You both need to just be open.

Jaxinthebox · 21/03/2022 07:12

Why is your relationship secret? I agree with poster above, in years gone by possibly, but at your ages?! No need.

Personally, I would be getting rid of him and that is going on what you have said about being a 'secret' clothes/hair/make up. Sounds a bit controlling.

Have a think of what you want from a relationship and if you are getting that from him. I think the answer is no.

Good luck OP, your make up looks fine to me.

tobedtoMN · 21/03/2022 07:15

@collieresponder88

Stop wearing make up. It must be hideous
How is this kind or helpful?!

RTFT FFS

Ilostit · 21/03/2022 07:18

And sorry yes! Ditch him!!! Who the hell does he think he is!!!!!

ILoveYouMoreTheEnd · 21/03/2022 07:21

@saraclara

Your message was yet another thing that should have been a face to face conversation. If my phone pinged at 4am and I read that as soon as I woke, I'd roll my eyes and be a bit pissed off, too.

Messaging emotional stuff never, ever ends well. I've said that on this board many times. Without facial expression, tone of voice and body language, everything about the message can be misinterpreted by the reader. Not to mention that fact that you've no idea what mood they're in/how busy they are etc. Added to that, sending at 4am indicates irrational and wound up feelings, and them having to answer it when barely conscious themselves is never going to go well either.

I swear that the number of fallings out and relationship upsets are at a far higher rate than they were when people at least called each other, and at best actually spoke while in each others' presence.

If something is that important an issue in your relationship, then for goodness sake talk instead of typing.

@saraclara exactly 💯 this was my first thought when I read it. I've been guilty of messaging in the past because I often struggle to voice my often irrational thoughts vocally 🤣

OP, his response was a reactive one to being annoyed reading that on waking, but if you don't feel you can talk to him face to face, he's not the man for you. Also, his message was particularly cruel. Does he want a partner who blends into the background and is compliant?

Yorkshiregurl1 · 21/03/2022 07:29

@@LittleOverWhelmed
Yes I’ve been to his place and he’s divorced. He’s not married as his place is def a bachelor pad .

OP posts:
SmugglersHaunt · 21/03/2022 07:30

He's vile and patronising. He's also treating you like an accessory, not a person. In the bin with the nob-end!

Yorkshiregurl1 · 21/03/2022 07:38

@saraclara
I get your point and I agree.
Sending a message at 4 am isn’t the norm for me (I think it’s the first time I’ve messaged him at that time) as I’m conscious of disturbing people but I felt I needed to express what I was feeling at the time.

OP posts:
Beautifulmonster87 · 21/03/2022 07:47

I think your makeup looks lovely. Quite heavy for day to day but well applied! I’d like to look like that for a night out.
Crucially he could have told you in a nicer way, like that he thinks you’re beautiful without makeup and don’t need it but something is definitely up if he’s embarrassed of you!

Don’t change, find someone who loves you.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 21/03/2022 07:53

I would posit the notion that any secrecy is not because of OP but because of him.

He doesn’t want to be judged for treating you like this. Some squalid little arrangement which keeps you dangling would paint him in a bad light. Nowt to do with the paint on your face.

I wonder if he met someone ‘serious’ he would treat them this way? I doubt it.

They’d be paraded in the sunlight. Not gifted the odd date in the darkness.

Zonder · 21/03/2022 08:02

Looks like his personal taste is different from yours. I'm not a fan of heavy make up myself, and I don't really get the fashion for big drawn on eyebrows because I go for a more natural look but each to their own.

If he also likes a more natural look that's absolutely fine. The weird thing is he clearly didn't mind it a year ago when you got together and his response is really rude. Also, it is pretty shallow if your make up style is enough to stop him going places with you.

Sounds like the end of the road to me.

beastlyslumber · 21/03/2022 08:08

@Yorkshiregurl1You sent a message at 4am because you're anxious and insecure. You got a message back that left you feeling stunned and numb at the cruelty.

Your relationship makes you feel: ANXIOUS, INSECURE, STUNNED, AND NUMB.

That's not okay. It's not okay to feel that way in a relationship. You're supposed to feel loved, supported, cared for and encouraged.

Please dump this loser. You deserve so much better.

JuteWeaver · 21/03/2022 08:09

Bin him. What a pig of a man.

SelkieQualia · 21/03/2022 08:16

Just wanted to tell you that your make up is gorgeous.

Yellownightmare · 21/03/2022 08:20

[quote Yorkshiregurl1]@saraclara
I get your point and I agree.
Sending a message at 4 am isn’t the norm for me (I think it’s the first time I’ve messaged him at that time) as I’m conscious of disturbing people but I felt I needed to express what I was feeling at the time.[/quote]
While saraclara might have a point about not messaging at 4am that's not the main issue here. He either is embarrassed about taking you out (extremely unlikely), in which case you need to dump him because who wants to be with someone who's embarrassed by them? He's a player and likes to have several women on the go so doesn't want them to meet his friends/see him out and about with him, in which case dump him because who wants to be with a player? Or he's just negging you and trying to keep you in your place because you're clearly beautiful, in which case dump him because who wants to be with someone who negs them.

You seem a nice person and you're obviously very attractive. You could do much better than this cruel guy. If he genuinely had an issue with your make up, he could have raised it sensitively any time in the last three years. If he was irritated by your message he could have rolled his eyes and just said you could talk about it when you meet. What he shouldn't have done is kept you hidden and sent you an unkind message. He reeks of someone who is controlling and bullying. Nasty.

Naunet · 21/03/2022 08:36

@collieresponder88

Stop wearing make up. It must be hideous
Idiot 🙄
Rheia1983 · 21/03/2022 08:38

My dear, for your own safety and peace of mind, drop this guy.

Anyone who loves and cares for you would not communicate the way your partner does. It is better to be alone than to be verbally abused and belittled by such a person.

goody2shooz · 21/03/2022 08:46

Another one saying your makeup looks beautiful, and another one saying get rid of this deeply unpleasant person. Who wants to be in a relationship where you feel so unhappy, second best, anxious and criticised about your clothes and makeup? Dump the lump, improve your life.

pusspuss9 · 21/03/2022 08:47

@PegasusReturns

He was horrid and you should get rid.

But your last post jumped out:

I’m 44 but I’m blessed that I look much younger . People think I’m in my 20s sometimes!

this is quite unlikely. Very very few genuinely look a decade-plus younger than they are so I’m a bit on the fence regarding your own self awareness. I’d ask a friend to give you a brutally honest appraisal of your makeup.

This jumped out for me as well. 'Older' women rarely look good in heavy make up in my opinion (and I speak as an older woman) The heavy make up , red cheeks, long red nails has sometimes looked a bit 'clownish' imo. OP I'm not saying you look like this, just generalising that it's a look I have sometimes noticed over the years,
BuddhaAtSea · 21/03/2022 09:03

Never mind the make up issue. The problem is that this guy is shallow and misogynistic. What are you, a fucking doll?! Buying you clothes HE likes?! Telling you off about how you apply makeup?! Not going out with you because you’re not presentable enough?
Nah, the problem is that he sees you as a convenience, as his to do what he pleases with.
You’ll be happier on your own.

waitingfortea · 21/03/2022 09:04

@pusspuss9 @PegasusReturns
She's put a pic on and the pic does look younger than someone in their 40's. And her make up looks fab!

Strugglingtodomybest · 21/03/2022 09:14

I'm honestly struggling for words here over the number of people going on about your make-up as if he might have a point! Even if you wore the most awful make up ever, it does not justify the way he spoke to you in that text.

The text was a classic example of emotional abuse. It may be that that is the only example of emotional abuse in your relationship, but that is what it is, and it is a red flag. I'd have a serious think about whether there have been any others.

There's a good video here from TedEd on the 4 signs of emotional abuse:

Tamworth123 · 21/03/2022 09:20

It may be that that is the only example of emotional abuse in your relationship

I find him buying her clothes in the style he likes and telking her his "preferences" re how to do her hair weird and controlling too.

Dress the barbie doll accessory weird.

The dude seens to see women as dolls.

He is unnecessarily cruel.

I also think he's keeping his dating op on the down low for some dodgy reason related to other women/relationships. He's been challenged and he's used thus deflection, and being challenged has brought out his very nasty side too.

All round, not a good character. Obvious why he's single at 49.

Tamworth123 · 21/03/2022 09:25

(Oh and his level of focus on female styling would make make wonder if he's closet gay, to boot).

Take it he's divorced, his poor fkg ex wife.

ChangefortheBetter88 · 21/03/2022 09:27

He’s gay.