At 40, would you expect ..

[Sonaftersonafterson]

More than this?

I've very recently starting seeing a lovely guy. It's very casual, however he is 41 and ..well, would this set up put you off a guy?

Freelance writer. Makes enough to get by but that's it.
Been to his place 4 times. Never once bought me food or a drink. Tea or water!
Seems to have very few personal possessions. Moans about not earning enough yet refuses to work evenings or weekends ever, saying that is 'his time'
Has 1 small child he sees every weekend, a hands on loving dad yet he has expressed how much parenthood doesnt suit him, likened it to a bomb going off in his life, how dads get no support, all attention on mums etc and that he would never ever have another
Lives in a tiny flat by himself. Before that, flat shared with ex or with others
Is very spiritual, vegan and sober.
Doesnt drive. No licence. Travels by bus.

Positives
Very sweet natured, calm, intelligent, interesting and easy on the eye

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4495823-Prostate-Lingham-massage
The ethical wanker.
Op have a look back at all the recent threads you've started about the different men you keep meeting, such a run of situations to find yourself in, tiny penis, wants pegging, ex.limerance crush out of the blue returns to call you a slut, uses sex workers, you don't have much luck do you? You say you are actively seeking a FWB in your profile, you've got 3 kids and a recent divorce, from a possibly abusive dh, you're having unprotected sex and describe yourself and being intense with your feelings and emotions, impulsive, needy, at 43, but that's ok, you fall in love hard or not at all? Of course you can keeping meeting randoms for sex and wonder why it doesn't work out for what you are expecting in return, then asking for advice on them all here, one after the other, rxamining it a in elpointless detail, but maybe you could get yourself into therapy before putting yourself at risk with another bloke. You don't sound very happy, or secure and that's a shame, something you can change.

Op won’t be back

Until the next thread

Either he’s taken all her money
Or

Or the op pissed that he hasn’t proposed ye

She will ignore advice and then start another

Rinse and repeat

@OakRowan

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4495823-Prostate-Lingham-massage The ethical wanker. Op have a look back at all the recent threads you've started about the different men you keep meeting, such a run of situations to find yourself in, tiny penis, wants pegging, ex.limerance crush out of the blue returns to call you a slut, uses sex workers, you don't have much luck do you? You say you are actively seeking a FWB in your profile, you've got 3 kids and a recent divorce, from a possibly abusive dh, you're having unprotected sex and describe yourself and being intense with your feelings and emotions, impulsive, needy, at 43, but that's ok, you fall in love hard or not at all? Of course you can keeping meeting randoms for sex and wonder why it doesn't work out for what you are expecting in return, then asking for advice on them all here, one after the other, rxamining it a in elpointless detail, but maybe you could get yourself into therapy before putting yourself at risk with another bloke. You don't sound very happy, or secure and that's a shame, something you can change.

And I truly worry about the children in this scenario

Yep!

There's even a child that regularly threatens suicide. Beginning to have my doubts tbh.

@OakRowan

There's even a child that regularly threatens suicide. Beginning to have my doubts tbh.

Sadly I don’t doubt it

I think it’s one of those scenarios that if SS had more resource - they would be heavily involved

*Until the next thread

Either he’s taken all her money
Or

Or the op pissed that he hasn’t proposed ye

She will ignore advice and then start another

Rinse and repeat*

Yes indeed. Doing it on purpose for the drama/attention/nine pages or more of discussion on Mumsnet ?

Mostly doing it for the thinking its funny let me tell you another comedy story about a creepy bloke I'm shagging unsafely, lol, cor blimey don't I get myself into some situations hahaha, men eh, got em lined up to try out because I'm so modern and liberated and I'm just after a fuck buddy, I don't care but I want to start 3 threads on the last one I already ended it with what does it meeeean, analyse this, he hurt my feelings so badly. Trying for totes hilaire, looking for agreement and validation but the longer it goes on shows a much sadder story. I dont get why you would write a thread about being hurt and ending it all with him then start another saying you're just started seeing each other and tell me what you think. Unless you are living in a fantasy world, in denial at how you are carrying on and how low your boundaries and expectations are. Or its all made up.

What a way to make yourself look like a fool with no self esteem and the lowest standards possible.

It’s not funny.

Depends if you just want a casual fling or serious. If serious nope you will be banking roling him and he sounds a bit tedious.

Lighten up ladies. Maybe a cervical massage would help you all calm down.

Shall I name change and be a cowardly twat like the rest of you every time I want to ponder something? Nah.

I wanted opinions, not silly women with too much time on their hands looking through my previous posts (seriously, WHO has time for this) and picking me apart. Or attempting to.

Dating life a big mess, yep! I was married forever, this is all new to me, and yeah...mistakes have been made. My kids however, they are fab and doing well.

Feels like I'm back at school except all the bitches are now middle aged

@Sonaftersonafterson

I was talking from the perspective of things like this having been made up, in response to a previous comment. Not directly in relation to your threads, I hasten to add.

I’d say it’s definitely a pretty sad thing to pretend to have so many quite questionable people milling in and out of one’s life - it’s not hilarious, which is presumably what the motivation would be. Just rather tragic and sad, really.

However in cases where it’s apparently real...well...I don’t even know what to say, tbh. You do seem to be finding/attracting rather a lot of quite ‘interesting’ characters. I guess there are more and more of those about these days. I like to think you might manage to find someone who actually has something of worth to offer you. However sometimes that requires a change to your own behaviours and your own motivations.

Of course you might be perfectly happy and content with how things are playing put for you, in which case fill your boots!

*out

(And I understand how difficult it is after a long marriage to be doing the dating thing again. I’ve been there. Are you sure you want to be doing it just now? No one says you have to date. I took four years out after my marriage ended and it was the best decision I could have made.)

[quote Nnique]@Sonaftersonafterson

I was talking from the perspective of things like this having been made up, in response to a previous comment. Not directly in relation to your threads, I hasten to add.

I’d say it’s definitely a pretty sad thing to pretend to have so many quite questionable people milling in and out of one’s life - it’s not hilarious, which is presumably what the motivation would be. Just rather tragic and sad, really.

However in cases where it’s apparently real...well...I don’t even know what to say, tbh. You do seem to be finding/attracting rather a lot of quite ‘interesting’ characters. I guess there are more and more of those about these days. I like to think you might manage to find someone who actually has something of worth to offer you. However sometimes that requires a change to your own behaviours and your own motivations.

Of course you might be perfectly happy and content with how things are playing put for you, in which case fill your boots![/quote]
I can honestly say - my friends and I who have been in the dating scene these days have encounters hundreds of men like these if I am honest.

You have to have very strong boundaries and they can be very convincing to begin with.

My friend described them as mosquitos - they will bite anyone and everyone but only the ones with strong protection show no signs of rash / malaria.

Maybe we should focus less on the woman here and have a think why society currently have hundreds of men on instagram / dating apps / whatsapp causing chaos for countless woman across the country. 😂 she is not alone with this. Many of my single friends just gave up in their mid thirties after meeting many men like this and ended up having babies alone. There was nothing wrong with these woman whatsoever - all career orientated, savvy and atrractive woman. Its the calibre of men out there.

Well I think you’d be well rid of this peach.

It's a minefield! And not a pretty one.

I come across a lot of men.. all women who are dating do. Most are completely unremarkable. Some are nice. Some are utterly awful or just confusing and THOSE are the ones I come here to write about! It's not all bad.

@Sonaftersonafterson

It's a minefield! And not a pretty one.

I come across a lot of men.. all women who are dating do. Most are completely unremarkable. Some are nice. Some are utterly awful or just confusing and THOSE are the ones I come here to write about! It's not all bad.

I think the learning is - honestly. If you get one sniff of weird / inconsistent / red flag behaviour - you have to bail.

I think it is like cockroaches - once you see one of these traits there is many hidden behind the wall and you have no idea the extent of it. Any time I have had to write for advice on Mumsnet about a dating situation - that is my red flag that something is not right and I am seeking external validation to confirm my bias that I am dealing with a clown.

Most guys will show red flags after 4-6 weeks in my expierence. They also know if they want something serious with you quickly. Regardless of what society gaslights us to believe. Look at the Netflix show ‘Dirty John’ - he showed red flags on the first date and the daughter could clearly see straight through him. She chose to go to a second date with him after what he did on the first. If she had cut it off she would never have encountered what has happened. Woman now have a multitude of resources our mothers / grandmothers did not have.

You have to content being alone before you enter the dating world as it is the only way you can have the clarity to cut them off.

Other good podcasts are The Game by Yaz - who does not mince her words about the dating game and the current nonsense that occurs and RC Blakes (even if you are athiest he has some good content). Even with all this in your armour you can STILL be caught out so be very wary.

@Trippingslippingx1 yes I can definitely agree with that. I really worry for my smart, capable, hard working daughters, to be honest. I think they are having to/will have to wade through so much shit to find a decent man. I’ve got a couple of ideas where these problems come from (I’m sure women here will all know what I’m talking about) and I’m really not sure how society is actually going to fix this.

[quote Nnique]@Trippingslippingx1 yes I can definitely agree with that. I really worry for my smart, capable, hard working daughters, to be honest. I think they are having to/will have to wade through so much shit to find a decent man. I’ve got a couple of ideas where these problems come from (I’m sure women here will all know what I’m talking about) and I’m really not sure how society is actually going to fix this.[/quote]
I think its very complex - and it is no ones fault on a personal level. Men were socialised to act in a certain way and times changed very quickly - within a few decades.

He's sounds like a very me person, and the world should revolve around him. Maybe move on...

@Trippingslippingx1 absolutely. Of course individuals are not to blame for how they have been taught to perceive the world. However I think most young people now have not even been given the skills and told with which to examine themselves and learn how to live well. And the lack of any sense of spirituality (ironic I know, given the man in question!) or a higher purpose to one’s life other than one’s basest instincts is actually an important part of the puzzle imo. As you said it’s very complex. I guess this is a discussion for another day, though.

*Skills and tools

@Sonaftersonafterson

Lighten up ladies. Maybe a cervical massage would help you all calm down.

Shall I name change and be a cowardly twat like the rest of you every time I want to ponder something? Nah.

I wanted opinions, not silly women with too much time on their hands looking through my previous posts (seriously, WHO has time for this) and picking me apart. Or attempting to.

Dating life a big mess, yep! I was married forever, this is all new to me, and yeah...mistakes have been made. My kids however, they are fab and doing well.

Feels like I'm back at school except all the bitches are now middle aged

Oh dear