At 40, would you expect ..

[Sonaftersonafterson]

More than this?

I've very recently starting seeing a lovely guy. It's very casual, however he is 41 and ..well, would this set up put you off a guy?

Freelance writer. Makes enough to get by but that's it.
Been to his place 4 times. Never once bought me food or a drink. Tea or water!
Seems to have very few personal possessions. Moans about not earning enough yet refuses to work evenings or weekends ever, saying that is 'his time'
Has 1 small child he sees every weekend, a hands on loving dad yet he has expressed how much parenthood doesnt suit him, likened it to a bomb going off in his life, how dads get no support, all attention on mums etc and that he would never ever have another
Lives in a tiny flat by himself. Before that, flat shared with ex or with others
Is very spiritual, vegan and sober.
Doesnt drive. No licence. Travels by bus.

Positives
Very sweet natured, calm, intelligent, interesting and easy on the eye

Also I definitely wrote ‘then’ in my comment above. This bastard autocorrect needs to stop thinking it knows what I want to write better than I do.

And I very much doubt my dentist from Bumble date will go well - he probably is married. I await with baited breath what new nonsense this one brings. 😂

TrippingSlippingx1 Even if every guy she did meet was off - it still would not be her fault. I know a woman who was a model for gap, is a doctor, is the most amazing friend I have ever met, is sane sensible and strong - and for the past 10 years she has been unable to meet a single sane partner.

Oh those type of men aren't looking for women like that! They're looking for women who can be easily manipulated, or who have fewer choices in life about whom they can date.

I'm not single, but I had a shock when I moved to back to a city I'd lived in before for work (did it for a year to boost my career), leaving DH behind. I posted about this on sm but I never post about my personal life, so some people must have assumed I was single. The dms I got from dodgy guys creeping out of the woodwork! In no way if I was single would I ever had considered dating them. I imagine your friend has had the same. They were like older versions of the OP's guy. One of them was in his mid sixties and notorious for sleeping around and cheating when he was younger. Another I knew was awaiting trial for beating up his (now ex) wife. Then there were the actual weirdos. And that wasn't even on internet dating.

@Nnique

Even if every guy she did meet was off - it still would not be her fault. I know a woman who was a model for gap, is a doctor, is the most amazing friend I have ever met, is sane sensible and strong - and for the past 10 years she has been unable to meet a single sane partner.

Then it really is worse than I had thought. If she has not met a single sane person than the situation is emphatically dire.

I do think that unfortunately for intelligent + high achieving + decent + good + strong women, there are slim pickings indeed. That’s because it’s quite natural to want or need a partner at one’s own level or higher on all important aspects. That’s very difficult for women to find. But again that’s probably a discussion for another day.

Good luck on your date. 🌷 There’s a lot of wisdom in what you both (I think; I’ve lost track of how many parties I’m replying to) are saying, I can see that, and I guess it’s probably more relevant to OP given that you’re living it as we speak.

The unconsious bias here is that it is a certain type of unconvential woman who is unstable and insane finding these men who requires therapy - it really is not. It is giving a guy a chance - which again if we dont do - we are picky stuck up bitches. We cannot win.

Anyway I think we have exhausted this point and I know no harm was meant from what you said.

@SucculentChalice It is amazing you said that - because that is why many friend men have said I cannot find a partner either. They said I walk like I have invented boundaries. They just know not to send a dickpic 😂

@gannett

Funny to see how many MNers are actively revolted by a lifestyle that isn't materialistic.

OP could be describing much of my social circle (and me, at one point). Freelancers and creatives who do work that's a passion, or a vocation, or just something that makes us happy day in and day out. Lots of those careers pay fuck all because society doesn't reward art, writing, music, acting etc in the same way that it rewards people who can sit in offices and push rich people's money around for them. And yes we moan about it to each other because while I have no regrets about pursuing a frugal life that I actually enjoy, being broke is never fun. I got lucky and fell into a way to make it pay decent money but I could easily still be living month to month myself.

Before I lived with DP I lived with housemates until my mid-30s (which was nice!) and if I was single and wanted to live on my own it'd have to be a tiny flat.

So there's a whole lot of materialistic snobbery on this thread (and lots of insinuations that men should "provide" for women ) but I'm happy that no one in this social circle would ever dream of sneering that someone's a "workshy waster" just because they don't earn hedge fund money, or have more interesting things to do with their lives than be an office drone climbing a tedious corporate ladder. Bollocks to that lifestyle and bollocks to you all.

It's not materialism. It's recognition of a meanness of spirit as well. He doesn't offer her tea? He doesn't live with his child but complains that mothers get more 'attention.' Why does he need attention for having impregnated someone but not living with them to support them day to day, nor eating into his precious Meeee time to provide adequately for his child?

Lack of material wealth is no excuse for having a stingy soul. There are loads of ways to be generous - with time, ideas, help, physicality, sensuality., he just seems self-obsessed and stingy. I have met men like him before. They think they are so spiritual. They are absolutely self-absorbed and unaware of it.

I think again these things are individual and can’t necessarily be generalised across the board.

It’s one thing if you just don’t happen to fancy any of the handful of good men you might come across (because sexual attraction is just as important as any other requirement). It’s quite another if there literally aren’t any good men at all to be had.

Lighten up ladies. Maybe a cervical massage would help you all calm down

Yuck that's the sort of thing creepy men say.

Feels like I'm back at school except all the bitches are now middle aged

Whoa ! You post on this forum (for shits and giggles, let's be honest) and call your respondents bitches ?

Is that because some people are getting through to you ?

Anyway, see you next thread because there will be one.

* Yuck that's the sort of thing creepy men say.*

Or someone who would be attracted to the type of man who would say this. And I suspect the OP fits the bill

Those two statements don’t make any sense together. I’d started one train of thought to begin with and decided I’ve probably said enough for today...forgot to delete!

Anyway. This thread has reminded me that need to make a dentist appointment!

@Nnique
@Trippingslippingx1

You lovely ladies. THIS is what I came here for. Frank, open discussion and I am reading every single word.

You live and learn

@succulentchalice

And you

@eatentoomanygrapes

The "very spiritual, vegan and sober" would be enough to send me running in the other direction 😅

Snap!!!

It seems he's chosen quality of life over possessions and 'stuff'. If that's the life he wants, then fab, but he shouldn't complain about it. I see nothing wrong with what he's chosen but it doesn't sound like that's what you're after?

Speaking as a sober vegan, he still sounds a total turn off. Being vegan doesn't stop you being a good host! I make some totally gorgeous vegan dishes and there are brilliant places to eat proper meals, brunches or just snacks. There are loads of takeaways that deliver food - he's just mean.

And if he chooses not to work more hours he can't moan about not having money!

To be honest he doesn't sound like any sort of a catch - and I'd rather be with no-one than the wrong one.

Oh yeah - I'm minimalist too but again, that doesn't stop me being a good host!

@Sonaftersonafterson

Lighten up ladies. Maybe a cervical massage would help you all calm down.

Shall I name change and be a cowardly twat like the rest of you every time I want to ponder something? Nah.

I wanted opinions, not silly women with too much time on their hands looking through my previous posts (seriously, WHO has time for this) and picking me apart. Or attempting to.

Dating life a big mess, yep! I was married forever, this is all new to me, and yeah...mistakes have been made. My kids however, they are fab and doing well.

Feels like I'm back at school except all the bitches are now middle aged

@Sonaftersonafterson Wow! 🤣🤣🤣

I haven't posted on this thread yet but I saw this and had to comment.

Maybe a cervical massage would help you all calm down

not silly women with too much time on their hands is quite something.

This kind of comment speaks volumes about you OP. I haven't even read the posts you're referring to so I have no idea what this was about, but saying that women need cervical massages to calm down??? Really OP???

I've encountered women like you before. They usually say these things to get some chuckles and popularity points around men because they think its edgey ? It's a way for them to ascend a social hierarchy by joining into sexist behaviour and using misogynistic insults. It's pathetic. No one respects that OP. The men you do this around and find it amusing won't respect women much either.

And what's strange is that you've used it here.....on a women's forum! What planet are you from??

@gingerhills Agreed. There is a certain naraccasistic, self-absorbed person who is very attracted to things like mindfulness 'wellness'. It allows them to justify more focus on themselves.

Read her other threads

The word… gross will feature heavily in your mind
And low level distress at thought of 3 children involved

I think the not spending money on food or drink for you would be the most striking thing for me @Sonaftersonafterson .

Have you never been out to eat with him? Or do you always pay?

Either way, he doesn't sound much fiun.