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Original poster

At 40, would you expect ..

270 replies

Sonaftersonafterson · 14/03/2022 21:45

More than this?

I've very recently starting seeing a lovely guy. It's very casual, however he is 41 and ..well, would this set up put you off a guy?

Freelance writer. Makes enough to get by but that's it.
Been to his place 4 times. Never once bought me food or a drink. Tea or water!
Seems to have very few personal possessions. Moans about not earning enough yet refuses to work evenings or weekends ever, saying that is 'his time'
Has 1 small child he sees every weekend, a hands on loving dad yet he has expressed how much parenthood doesnt suit him, likened it to a bomb going off in his life, how dads get no support, all attention on mums etc and that he would never ever have another
Lives in a tiny flat by himself. Before that, flat shared with ex or with others
Is very spiritual, vegan and sober.
Doesnt drive. No licence. Travels by bus.

Positives
Very sweet natured, calm, intelligent, interesting and easy on the eye Grin

OP posts:
ChickenStripper · 15/03/2022 20:31

It's not materialistic to want to be solvent and to protect yourself as a woman from a partner who can't pay their way.

AlternativelyWired · 15/03/2022 20:36

Da fuck Confused
I remember the professional wank guy, and now this delightful thread. So glad I'm single.

Donra · 15/03/2022 20:39

He wouldn’t be the right one for me. Vegan and sober is no fun, and I don’t want to have to drive all the time. Also you’d never have a weekend together if he has his child every weekend. And not working harder to support his child is a huge red flag too.

FinallyHere · 15/03/2022 20:45

Friendzone.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 15/03/2022 20:46

no I'm not "consciously trying for a baby" ffs. I have a coil.

So it's not unprotected sex is it ? You use contraception. Good job one of you does. Probably explains how his child was conceived.

Could still get an STD but you've said your relationship was casual. it's more of a Friends With Benefits situation that you realised.

Original poster
Sonaftersonafterson · 15/03/2022 20:54

Yeah its prostate massage guy Grin

What can I say. He's given me a LOT to think about !!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sonaftersonafterson · 15/03/2022 20:55

@alternativelywired

GrinGrinGrin

OP posts:
SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 21:03

sweetbellyhigh But she wasn't saying bollocking to everyone with a different opinion, she was saying bollocks to the (very many) posters who sneer at people who are not materialistic, who don't worship consumerism, who don't drink (wtf? alcohol is the cause of so much distress, why is it admirable to be a drinker?!), who don't spend every evening parked in front of TV.

But he's not leading a non-materialistic lifestyle, he's depending on a materialistic society providing him with his needs.

If he lived in a commune, or in a rural community and farmed his own food or similar then yes I would agree with you. But I suspect he's shopping in supermarkets, using his debit or credit card, gets his salary paid into his bank account in the modern banking system, etc but barely pays tax or maintenance so depends on others to subsidise that supposedly non-materialistic lifestyle. Quite possibly the mother of his young child is having work quite hard to maintain a decent standard of living for that child.

If it were 500 years ago, he would have to work a damned sight harder to maintain it than capitalism allows him to do now.

He sounds so studiously and self-consciously "alternative" that its almost tedious and seems to allow him to have boundaries that are somewhat alternative in inter-personal relationships too.

FartNRoses · 15/03/2022 21:09

@OakRowan

Is this the same charmer you've started a couple of other threads about, he's a bit of a hippie and part of his spiritual life is being wanked off with a professional finger up his arse while the maseusse calls it a healing, self knowledge kind of journey? But she's not a sex worker, because its more like going for therapy? The prostate masage man?
Say what now???
billy1966 · 15/03/2022 21:24

@Hotcuppatea

He sounds like a man child with a significant probability of turning into a cocklodger. I'd run for the hills
This. Entitled. Self absorbed. Probably twat. Avoid.
Happyface120 · 15/03/2022 21:32

I suspect he is the father of my DC1... If so, he is also an absolute cunt, spiritual or not😂

MissTrip82 · 15/03/2022 21:34

He sounds very self-absorbed for someone so spiritual. The comments about women getting all the support would set my teeth on edge also.

I also find it hard to believe that a child he actually has fairly limited contact with has been a bomb going off in his life. Imagine if he had to do the parenting the rest of us do.

His financial situation’s not really the issue here.

CBFA · 15/03/2022 22:20

Gosh, lots of vegan bashing. The same commenters who leap onto threads to cry that no one else should judge what they eat and shove it down their throats... Here you are doing exactly that Grin

ESGdance · 15/03/2022 22:26

Bitter.
Entitled.
Self absorbed.
Man child.
Precious.
Misogynist.

Dull and draining.

Nothing to do with his career or lifestyle choices around being sober / vegan / spiritual - that’s all irrelevant.

He sounds like a covert Narc - the grandiose victim.

OakRowan · 16/03/2022 03:10

@Sonaftersonafterson

Yeah its prostate massage guy Grin

What can I say. He's given me a LOT to think about !!

Bin him off, completely. You've had 3 threads on him now, the spirituality, dietary requirements/frugal living is a red herring, he only works enough to pay to get wanked off, shags around, has a broken relationship with a child behind him where he is the victim, aim higher OP. Get tested for STI's, use condoms, you have no idea what else he has been paying for. Raise your boundaries and work on your self esteem, this situation isn't as funny as you think it sounds.
Grimsknee · 16/03/2022 03:49

You can prise my money, meat, and booze from my cold dead hands, but I do admire people with the self discipline to live minimally, be vegan, not drink smoke or do substances, etc.
However. moaning about work, money, parenthood, mums getting too much attention (PLEASE) and dads getting no support (PLEASE) are really unpleasant behaviours if not red flags.
Wait then I found out he's the prostrate massage guy, disgusting.

sweetbellyhigh · 16/03/2022 04:04

@SucculentChalice

sweetbellyhigh But she wasn't saying bollocking to everyone with a different opinion, she was saying bollocks to the (very many) posters who sneer at people who are not materialistic, who don't worship consumerism, who don't drink (wtf? alcohol is the cause of so much distress, why is it admirable to be a drinker?!), who don't spend every evening parked in front of TV.

But he's not leading a non-materialistic lifestyle, he's depending on a materialistic society providing him with his needs.

If he lived in a commune, or in a rural community and farmed his own food or similar then yes I would agree with you. But I suspect he's shopping in supermarkets, using his debit or credit card, gets his salary paid into his bank account in the modern banking system, etc but barely pays tax or maintenance so depends on others to subsidise that supposedly non-materialistic lifestyle. Quite possibly the mother of his young child is having work quite hard to maintain a decent standard of living for that child.

If it were 500 years ago, he would have to work a damned sight harder to maintain it than capitalism allows him to do now.

He sounds so studiously and self-consciously "alternative" that its almost tedious and seems to allow him to have boundaries that are somewhat alternative in inter-personal relationships too.

Say what?

He's living off a materialistic society because you suspect that? What silly, made up nonsense and quite a stretch to come up with a scenario to fit your narrative lol!!!

sweetbellyhigh · 16/03/2022 04:04

@SucculentChalice

sweetbellyhigh But she wasn't saying bollocking to everyone with a different opinion, she was saying bollocks to the (very many) posters who sneer at people who are not materialistic, who don't worship consumerism, who don't drink (wtf? alcohol is the cause of so much distress, why is it admirable to be a drinker?!), who don't spend every evening parked in front of TV.

But he's not leading a non-materialistic lifestyle, he's depending on a materialistic society providing him with his needs.

If he lived in a commune, or in a rural community and farmed his own food or similar then yes I would agree with you. But I suspect he's shopping in supermarkets, using his debit or credit card, gets his salary paid into his bank account in the modern banking system, etc but barely pays tax or maintenance so depends on others to subsidise that supposedly non-materialistic lifestyle. Quite possibly the mother of his young child is having work quite hard to maintain a decent standard of living for that child.

If it were 500 years ago, he would have to work a damned sight harder to maintain it than capitalism allows him to do now.

He sounds so studiously and self-consciously "alternative" that its almost tedious and seems to allow him to have boundaries that are somewhat alternative in inter-personal relationships too.

Say what?

He's living off a materialistic society because you suspect that? What silly, made up nonsense and quite a stretch to come up with a scenario to fit your narrative lol!!!

LaudamusTe · 16/03/2022 04:16

vegan? run for the hills.

Donra · 16/03/2022 04:44

Gosh, lots of vegan bashing
Nobody is criticising veganism. If someone makes that choice it’s up to them. But it’s a very restrictive diet and people don’t want to cook vegan for their partner or eat it themselves. So they would choose not to date a vegan.

navydear · 16/03/2022 04:50

Nothing of the above description of this guy could possibly turn me on - bus, freelance. Sober, whinging, complaining, renting, just about gets by, vegan, hating parent hood etc..:
Op what are you thinking, why would you even consider this bizzare person as a soulmate Confused

Lanareyrey · 16/03/2022 05:10

I don’t know. I’d rather a sober person than an alcoholic or someone who abuses drugs.He sounds like he is living a minimalistic life which is definitely not a bad thing. Vegan is ok as long as he doesn’t impose his vegan views on you and look parenting is bloody hard work we all know that. I would give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

SarahBellam · 16/03/2022 05:18

OMG! I didn't realise this was prostate massage guy! No no no. He's not even for breakfast. Throw him back.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 16/03/2022 05:50

I'm just here for a link to the prostate massage thread Confused. WTF.

OP - what everyone else said.

RantyAunty · 16/03/2022 06:56

Dating is discriminatory by nature and everyone has a right to standards.
Nobody has the right to tell a woman to accept this shit sandwich or you're a golddigger.

You're allowed to turn down a walk date, date at his house in which he offers nothing, unemployed men, lazy men.

Just because he is unable to compete in dating is not your problem. Anyone who shames you into dating them or accepting less, is manipulative.

I mean how unattractive is a guy's attitude of, "Lower your standards and accept less so I can get sex."

And ignore the women who attempt to shame. They likely made the mistake of accepting less and therefore you should too.

Dating has never been fair. It a man can't handle the standards required from him, then he needs to figure out how to up his game.

When you think about a dream guy, it surely the hell isn't this wanker.