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Original poster

At 40, would you expect ..

270 replies

Sonaftersonafterson · 14/03/2022 21:45

More than this?

I've very recently starting seeing a lovely guy. It's very casual, however he is 41 and ..well, would this set up put you off a guy?

Freelance writer. Makes enough to get by but that's it.
Been to his place 4 times. Never once bought me food or a drink. Tea or water!
Seems to have very few personal possessions. Moans about not earning enough yet refuses to work evenings or weekends ever, saying that is 'his time'
Has 1 small child he sees every weekend, a hands on loving dad yet he has expressed how much parenthood doesnt suit him, likened it to a bomb going off in his life, how dads get no support, all attention on mums etc and that he would never ever have another
Lives in a tiny flat by himself. Before that, flat shared with ex or with others
Is very spiritual, vegan and sober.
Doesnt drive. No licence. Travels by bus.

Positives
Very sweet natured, calm, intelligent, interesting and easy on the eye Grin

OP posts:
Cleanbedlinen12 · 14/03/2022 22:07

how dads get no support, all attention on mums etc and this is ewww.

He sounds like a student playing the penniless but oh so interesting victim to lure you in. Watch you don’t trip over the copy of Sartre while you reach for your wallet, I mean water.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 14/03/2022 22:09

Nope.
Run.

LightSpeeds · 14/03/2022 22:09

Well you did say it's all 'very recent'. But I wouldn't be surprised if some of those things you mention (like not offering you food or anything more than a teabag) start to REALLY grate on you sooner or later.

And moaning about money quickly becomes a BIG turn off. He will be stingey.

Having no transport quickly becomes a pain. I wouldn't want to be travelling around 'by bus' in my 40s.

You say he's sweet-natured and nice but he also seems to be doing quite a lot of moaning.

This would probably only be going downhill for me...

Bimblybomeyelash · 14/03/2022 22:11

He doesn’t sound my type at all. But the only
thing actually wrong is the lack of hospitality. But that’s a pretty big red flag to me! Whatever his circumstances or beliefs, I’d still expect a new bloke to be making an effort to show he cared, and to make me feel comfortable and welcome at his place.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 14/03/2022 22:13

Russel Brand easy on he eye? .
. Give over...

D0lphine · 14/03/2022 22:14

The lifestyle wouldn’t put me off - tiny flat, minimal possessions, spiritual could all be just an alternative way of seeing the world and quite refreshing.

This!

He doesn't sound like everyone's cup of tea. But he sounds very honest and non materialistic. Good on him being honest about fatherhood and having healthy boundaries with work.

tara66 · 14/03/2022 22:16

No 'tea or water'? Why not? Seems just very lazy and bad mannered never mind 'very poor' too!

Wishihadanalgorithm · 14/03/2022 22:19

No. Well, TBH, if he was good in bed I would have a fling but I definitely don’t think he is relationship material. I think the lack of a cup of tea suggests meanness and/or lack of social awareness -both of these things repel me.

MaChienEstUnDick · 14/03/2022 22:23

Well there's a knife for every fork, isn't there, so it's not about what I would like it's about what you would like.

People who work to live rather than live to work intrigue me, I like the idea of a minimalist lifestyle and I barely drive myself.

However, someone moaning that 'all the attention is on new mums' would make my fanny clam up so tight I'd crush my coil.

Do you want kids? Do you feel that your life goals are aligned?

PancakeBae · 14/03/2022 22:23

All the reasons you state are probably why his last partner decided to throw him back, and he was the father of her child. It's all very well being a 'just getting by' freelance writer when you're single (and I've never met a freelancer who didn't work weekends and/or through the night if the deadline required) when someone depends on you, it starts to look pretty self-indulgent.

Pinkbonbon · 14/03/2022 22:24

Nope.

I mean he gets point for his lifestyle of working to live not living to work in my book. And for choosing time over money.

But the rest of it sounds a right drag. Tbh, he sounds like he is all talk and no trousers...or whatever saying is lol.

Also sounds like he might become a drain. And not just financially.

If he is hot then I might shag I'm though, heck, younl only live once.

spotcheck · 14/03/2022 22:26

@BornIn78

A workshy, whining, non-driver, resentful dad who is a sober vegan.

Sounds like a real catch.

Yeah- at least if he drank now and then you may get relief from the rest of it...)
iwishu · 14/03/2022 22:27

I agree @tara66 even if he doesn't have much money, it's bad manners not to even offer you tea or water.

What about going out on dates, I guess it doesn't happen unless you go round his, because it can't afford to go out with you or be able to travel to you.

I'd give this one a miss for anything long term, he's hot, you shagged him, next!

Sunnytwobridges · 14/03/2022 22:27

@eatentoomanygrapes

The "very spiritual, vegan and sober" would be enough to send me running in the other direction 😅
Yup me too Grin
catinboots123 · 14/03/2022 22:28

@eatentoomanygrapes

The "very spiritual, vegan and sober" would be enough to send me running in the other direction 😅
Same. I stopped at spiritual Grin
Ugzbugz · 14/03/2022 22:30

No from meBlush

HisHX · 14/03/2022 22:39

@MaChienEstUnDick

Well there's a knife for every fork, isn't there, so it's not about what I would like it's about what you would like.

People who work to live rather than live to work intrigue me, I like the idea of a minimalist lifestyle and I barely drive myself.

However, someone moaning that 'all the attention is on new mums' would make my fanny clam up so tight I'd crush my coil.

Do you want kids? Do you feel that your life goals are aligned?

This.. but so much better put than I could have! 🤣🦪
StripyOnesie · 14/03/2022 22:40

Nope.

UpintNorth · 14/03/2022 22:40

OP, I could have written your post 20-odd years ago with the exception of the DC. Run, fast in the opposite direction! Or be very, very realistic that if anything develops with this man, you will take financial and life responsibility for both of you, and any future kids. If someone at 41 isn’t solvent/sorted, it’s not going to change….

throughtheair · 14/03/2022 22:41

More red flags than a communist march!

A non materialistic lifestyle is all very well but I doubt he'll complain when you're buying everything and doing all the driving. The comment about fathers not getting enough support sounds like there's some misogyny there too.

MurmuratingStarling · 14/03/2022 22:41

Urgh. Confused He has every hideous negative character I loathe in a man.

As @BornIn78 said

He is a workshy, whining, non-driver, resentful dad who is a sober vegan. WHAT A CATCH!

This ^

@Sonaftersonafterson

AVOID AVOID AVOID!!! Shock

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 14/03/2022 22:42

Sounds self absorbed, which is usually very dull.

Itchylegs · 14/03/2022 22:42

I am well over 40 and perfectly happy to travel by bus. Is Thatcher on the thread! Anyhow doesn't sound completely awful. Maybe more honest than some.

RockinHorseShit · 14/03/2022 22:43

Is very spiritual, vegan and sober.

I'm vegetarian, spiritual & sober & that would even have me running for the hills🥴. I know those types, they are predominantly selfish assed naval gazers

MurmuratingStarling · 14/03/2022 22:43

@MaChienEstUnDick

However, someone moaning that 'all the attention is on new mums' would make my fanny clam up so tight I'd crush my coil.

LOL! Grin What makes this extra funny, is that I can actually picture this.