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Original poster

At 40, would you expect ..

270 replies

Sonaftersonafterson · 14/03/2022 21:45

More than this?

I've very recently starting seeing a lovely guy. It's very casual, however he is 41 and ..well, would this set up put you off a guy?

Freelance writer. Makes enough to get by but that's it.
Been to his place 4 times. Never once bought me food or a drink. Tea or water!
Seems to have very few personal possessions. Moans about not earning enough yet refuses to work evenings or weekends ever, saying that is 'his time'
Has 1 small child he sees every weekend, a hands on loving dad yet he has expressed how much parenthood doesnt suit him, likened it to a bomb going off in his life, how dads get no support, all attention on mums etc and that he would never ever have another
Lives in a tiny flat by himself. Before that, flat shared with ex or with others
Is very spiritual, vegan and sober.
Doesnt drive. No licence. Travels by bus.

Positives
Very sweet natured, calm, intelligent, interesting and easy on the eye Grin

OP posts:
diamondpony80 · 15/03/2022 14:31

I've been a freelance writer. It's possible to do a lot more than "get by", but obviously you have to work hard. You have to market yourself in the right places to the right people if you want to get paid what you're worth. It's definitely not the easiest business to be in. He doesn't sound very proactive in doing anything about increasing his income, despite being in a position to do so if he wanted to.

Not offering you food or drink, having very few personal possessions, complaining about dads getting no support, and moaning about not earning enough suggests to me that he probably is NOT earning enough to get by. But he's not willing to do anything about it either.

Doesn't sound like he's a very loving dad if he thinks parenthood doesn't suit him.

If his freelance income dries up (and it can very quickly if a lucrative client moves on), guess who he'll be asking for money?

The negatives far outweigh the positives here. I'd pass on this one.

maddiemookins16mum · 15/03/2022 14:39

He lost me at never offering a brew.

implantreplace · 15/03/2022 14:39

@ravenmum

I was wondering if this was a revenge thread after he'd rejected her in some way.
Given her thread re him not regarding them as exclusive, wanting to see others AND they’d been having unprotected sex

Doesn’t really look like either party is particularly enamoured with each other

But Op hasn’t been back since I posted that thread, so enough said really

Justcallmebebes · 15/03/2022 14:43

Is very spiritual, vegan and sober.
Doesnt drive. No licence. Travels by bus.

It's a hell no from me

1forAll74 · 15/03/2022 15:31

You have been to his place four times, and you say he is a lovely guy, so he didn't put you off initially. Does he write books,or just random articles about spiritual stuff etc..

There is a guy in my village, maybe about 45 ish, he is some kind of writer, subjects like the conscious mind, and mumbo jumbo stuff etc.

When he first came here, into his little old house,, he posted on the community fb pages, to ask if anyone had a little free fridge, as he needed to keep his lettuce and yoghurt fresh at all times, then he added, is there a decent sewing person in he village, saying that he had a very small tear in his jogging bottoms, and he couldn't mend them himself...

Another post another day, said, Can some come to help me, as I was riding my bike down the road, and came across a dead bird in the gutter, and I could not pick it up and put it on the pavement, to put near a little chick who was chirping on the pavement.

I think some woman drove round to where he was, took the dead bird to dispose of, and took the little chirping chick to their home.

SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 16:35

I dated a couple of guys like this before DH. Both of them had "vanity businesses" that made very little money and had adopted this frugal lifestyle. In the case of one (the one that wasn't subsidised by mummy and daddy in his forties) it was definitely a case of almost dropping out of society. He became less and less social and went out less and less. Still didn't stop him from sleeping around though and being a cheating bastard.

As far as I know, the pair of them are still cheating bastards and their spiritually doesn't extend to treating women well or safe sex. Perhaps the obsession with vegan lifestyles and sobriety is to offset the risk of an STD?

Original poster
Sonaftersonafterson · 15/03/2022 16:57

I'm here, not disappeared just bloody busy!!

Yeah same guy as before. Unprotected sex, yes, but no I'm not "consciously trying for a baby" ffs. I have a coil.

The reason I posted was not a revenge thread Hmm he doesnt read this and I dont name him publically so how could it be revenge? No. It was more pondering on my part, and wanting opinions. Isn't that what this forum is for?

We were / are very very casual, especially after he disclosed he is seeing others too. After my initial hurt outburst i reflected and realised that he hadn't done anything wrong really, just misaligned perceptions and me over romanticising everyone I get involved with. A bad habit I am aware of.

We still talk, havent met up again and probably not going to. I just pondered on our last meet, sitting in his front room with no TV and thought, is it me that finds this lifestyle at 40 odd a bit...well, odd.

OP posts:
gannett · 15/03/2022 17:21

Funny to see how many MNers are actively revolted by a lifestyle that isn't materialistic.

OP could be describing much of my social circle (and me, at one point). Freelancers and creatives who do work that's a passion, or a vocation, or just something that makes us happy day in and day out. Lots of those careers pay fuck all because society doesn't reward art, writing, music, acting etc in the same way that it rewards people who can sit in offices and push rich people's money around for them. And yes we moan about it to each other because while I have no regrets about pursuing a frugal life that I actually enjoy, being broke is never fun. I got lucky and fell into a way to make it pay decent money but I could easily still be living month to month myself.

Before I lived with DP I lived with housemates until my mid-30s (which was nice!) and if I was single and wanted to live on my own it'd have to be a tiny flat.

So there's a whole lot of materialistic snobbery on this thread (and lots of insinuations that men should "provide" for women Hmm ) but I'm happy that no one in this social circle would ever dream of sneering that someone's a "workshy waster" just because they don't earn hedge fund money, or have more interesting things to do with their lives than be an office drone climbing a tedious corporate ladder. Bollocks to that lifestyle and bollocks to you all.

Original poster
Sonaftersonafterson · 15/03/2022 18:10

@gannett

Saying "bollocks" to everyone just because we have a different opinion to you is absolutely ridiculous. Grow up. Perhaps write a poem about the injustice of it or something but you should respect other people's opinions without resorting to insulting them.

OP posts:
NoNeedToWorryAboutAThing · 15/03/2022 18:12

@gannett

Funny to see how many MNers are actively revolted by a lifestyle that isn't materialistic.

OP could be describing much of my social circle (and me, at one point). Freelancers and creatives who do work that's a passion, or a vocation, or just something that makes us happy day in and day out. Lots of those careers pay fuck all because society doesn't reward art, writing, music, acting etc in the same way that it rewards people who can sit in offices and push rich people's money around for them. And yes we moan about it to each other because while I have no regrets about pursuing a frugal life that I actually enjoy, being broke is never fun. I got lucky and fell into a way to make it pay decent money but I could easily still be living month to month myself.

Before I lived with DP I lived with housemates until my mid-30s (which was nice!) and if I was single and wanted to live on my own it'd have to be a tiny flat.

So there's a whole lot of materialistic snobbery on this thread (and lots of insinuations that men should "provide" for women Hmm ) but I'm happy that no one in this social circle would ever dream of sneering that someone's a "workshy waster" just because they don't earn hedge fund money, or have more interesting things to do with their lives than be an office drone climbing a tedious corporate ladder. Bollocks to that lifestyle and bollocks to you all.

I agree.
grapewines · 15/03/2022 18:13

And slagging someone off online that you've been seeing just because you don't agree with their - in your words - odd lifestyle is less insulting?

Mediocrates · 15/03/2022 18:16

Not earning much money or having many possessions wouldn't put me off (unless there was an expectation that I'd somehow contribute financially to his life); choosing less work, and therefore less money, over more money but less free time is a valid and potentially appealing choice. Just make sure you don't get sucked into being the breadwinner.

The red flag for me is his "Dads get no support" stuff. IME, crappy dads make crappy partners and are generally crappy people

Original poster
Sonaftersonafterson · 15/03/2022 18:17

Yes. Much less insulting!

I didn't slag him off or say Bollocks To Him! I said I found his choices and lifestyle very odd and wondered if it was me being judgemental or if others would find it equally odd. Which the majority seem to.

Difference between questioning someone's choices and actively insulting them. Obviously.

OP posts:
implantreplace · 15/03/2022 18:24

* I've ended it and blocked him. Tried to retain some dignity so he doesnt know how upset I am. *

According to your thread last week you finished with him after you had unprotected sex with him and THEN he told you that he was seeing other people

gannett · 15/03/2022 18:44

[quote Sonaftersonafterson]@gannett

Saying "bollocks" to everyone just because we have a different opinion to you is absolutely ridiculous. Grow up. Perhaps write a poem about the injustice of it or something but you should respect other people's opinions without resorting to insulting them.[/quote]
I suggest you tell that to the posters who've been sneering "workshy", "cocklodger", "ewww" etc on this thread.

That patronising "write a poem" sneer really shows what you think of the arts. Sorry that some of us opted out of the whole normative life script where life is just about getting bigger salaries and bigger houses, and have no regrets about it.

ConkerBonkers · 15/03/2022 18:59

Is it Chris Martin?

SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 19:00

@Missdotty

Is it Chris Martin?
Grin
grapewines · 15/03/2022 19:05

I suggest you tell that to the posters who've been sneering "workshy", "cocklodger", "ewww" etc on this thread. That patronising "write a poem" sneer really shows what you think of the arts.

Well said.

sweetbellyhigh · 15/03/2022 19:44

[quote Sonaftersonafterson]@gannett

Saying "bollocks" to everyone just because we have a different opinion to you is absolutely ridiculous. Grow up. Perhaps write a poem about the injustice of it or something but you should respect other people's opinions without resorting to insulting them.[/quote]
But she wasn't saying bollocking to everyone with a different opinion, she was saying bollocks to the (very many) posters who sneer at people who are not materialistic, who don't worship consumerism, who don't drink (wtf? alcohol is the cause of so much distress, why is it admirable to be a drinker?!), who don't spend every evening parked in front of TV.

The sneering is revolting.

And your bad-tempered retort of "grow up" and "write a poem" is pitiful.

BordelDeMerde · 15/03/2022 19:54

@Missdotty

Is it Chris Martin?
You win the Internet today. Grin
OakRowan · 15/03/2022 19:56

Is this the same charmer you've started a couple of other threads about, he's a bit of a hippie and part of his spiritual life is being wanked off with a professional finger up his arse while the maseusse calls it a healing, self knowledge kind of journey? But she's not a sex worker, because its more like going for therapy? The prostate masage man?

bluesberry · 15/03/2022 20:02

how dads get no support, all attention on mums etc

Big red flag for me, shows he doesn't understand any of the issues that mums and especially single mums face and how hard it is, sounds like one of those people who think life is easier for women etc.

liveforsummer · 15/03/2022 20:05

@OakRowan

Is this the same charmer you've started a couple of other threads about, he's a bit of a hippie and part of his spiritual life is being wanked off with a professional finger up his arse while the maseusse calls it a healing, self knowledge kind of journey? But she's not a sex worker, because its more like going for therapy? The prostate masage man?
Omg is this the same bloke. Bet that 'massage' isn't cheap and can find money for that
OakRowan · 15/03/2022 20:16

If its not the same man then OP is definitely having a bad run of meeting and getting together with wrong uns, might be time for a dating break @Sonaftersonafterson and buy some condoms.

Trippingslippingx1 · 15/03/2022 20:21

@gannett

Funny to see how many MNers are actively revolted by a lifestyle that isn't materialistic.

OP could be describing much of my social circle (and me, at one point). Freelancers and creatives who do work that's a passion, or a vocation, or just something that makes us happy day in and day out. Lots of those careers pay fuck all because society doesn't reward art, writing, music, acting etc in the same way that it rewards people who can sit in offices and push rich people's money around for them. And yes we moan about it to each other because while I have no regrets about pursuing a frugal life that I actually enjoy, being broke is never fun. I got lucky and fell into a way to make it pay decent money but I could easily still be living month to month myself.

Before I lived with DP I lived with housemates until my mid-30s (which was nice!) and if I was single and wanted to live on my own it'd have to be a tiny flat.

So there's a whole lot of materialistic snobbery on this thread (and lots of insinuations that men should "provide" for women Hmm ) but I'm happy that no one in this social circle would ever dream of sneering that someone's a "workshy waster" just because they don't earn hedge fund money, or have more interesting things to do with their lives than be an office drone climbing a tedious corporate ladder. Bollocks to that lifestyle and bollocks to you all.

Agree. I knew plenty of people like this socially Would smirk and give side eye if you did not live in a big house with at least two SUVs on the drive