Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

At 40, would you expect ..

270 replies

Sonaftersonafterson · 14/03/2022 21:45

More than this?

I've very recently starting seeing a lovely guy. It's very casual, however he is 41 and ..well, would this set up put you off a guy?

Freelance writer. Makes enough to get by but that's it.
Been to his place 4 times. Never once bought me food or a drink. Tea or water!
Seems to have very few personal possessions. Moans about not earning enough yet refuses to work evenings or weekends ever, saying that is 'his time'
Has 1 small child he sees every weekend, a hands on loving dad yet he has expressed how much parenthood doesnt suit him, likened it to a bomb going off in his life, how dads get no support, all attention on mums etc and that he would never ever have another
Lives in a tiny flat by himself. Before that, flat shared with ex or with others
Is very spiritual, vegan and sober.
Doesnt drive. No licence. Travels by bus.

Positives
Very sweet natured, calm, intelligent, interesting and easy on the eye Grin

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 15/03/2022 08:30

Men like this should remain forever alone with their hand.

Lazy, self-absorbed, navel gazing, tight, twat, expecting women to show up at his like a vegan pizza delivery and service him.

He's crap in bed. There are literally 1000s of men who would be DTF.
Younger, hotter, good in bed, fun, buy you a coffee and a slice even.

DespairingHomeowner · 15/03/2022 08:34

@Hotcuppatea

He sounds like a man child with a significant probability of turning into a cocklodger. I'd run for the hills
^ this. I find there are a lot of them about!!
Nowomenaroundeh · 15/03/2022 08:35

He sounds repulsive.

Opaljewel · 15/03/2022 08:38

If you're looking for casual, maybe it's fine but I would never expect anything from him. He has literally told you he likes an easy life.

It would be the incessant moaning that would put me off haha.

BottleBrushTree · 15/03/2022 08:45

He sounds like a 20 year old who’s never grown up. Ick.

Sidge · 15/03/2022 09:06

Ahh a performance hippy.

Vegan but eats honey.

Spiritual but sees his kid as a burden not a blessing and isn’t overly involved in the daily drudge of raising it.

Bit of a fun sponge and sounds like he takes life way too seriously but only where it benefits him (lying around being introspective).

Claims to be minimalist and focused on a non materialistic life but the reality is he’s too lazy to work enough to finance an independent set up. Probably one of life’s takers. I mean, I’m all for not focusing on possessions but he sounds like a bit of a work shy waster. Bet he doesn’t offer much child support to the mother of his child…

I wouldn’t have swiped on him in the first place as I’m more of a bacon sandwich and bottle of wine woman, but every pot has its lid.

And he’s not even a good shag! Nah.

MistySkiesAfterRain · 15/03/2022 09:10

The moaning and lack of ambition would put me off.

DoItAfraid · 15/03/2022 09:15

Nope - not for me due to work ethic (or lack thereof), attitude to children and selfishness.

FWB? Maybe - but only on a totally no strings attached and most likely short term basis.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 15/03/2022 09:18

It depends what you want doesn't it?

Nothing wrong with being a sober vegan if that it compatible with your own lifestyle.

As for not driving, again it depends on how much of an issue that is and where he lives. I don't drive but live in London - no probs at all

sweetbellyhigh · 15/03/2022 09:26

I like that he is sober and content with few possessions, how refreshing and so much more attractive than shallow, pint-swigging fools (who seem to feature consistently in the relationship woes department of MN)

And it's fair to say that a baby's arrival is like a bomb going off, it does turn your world upside down. It is also amazing and wonderful but it is indeed a massive life change.

So imo nothing wrong in the surface.
But only you know. I would prefer someone who can cook and who is generous, not that I expect to be provided for but I just find it an attractive trait.

ravenmum · 15/03/2022 09:35

@Sonaftersonafterson

Sorry, I meant ALL he offered was tea or water. Fancy shmancy weird tea sweetened with honey no less. That or water. Food... no. He ate warmed up pasta and gloop and of course offered, but ... nah.

He really is just a shag and not even a very good one so I'm not invested, it was more curiosity. I was taken aback by this self confessed "hippy' who isn't really a hippy at all, and wondered if I was just being judgey. He seems... almost teenager in his outlook or is this the spirituality and I'm missing the point. He meditates, does yoga, all that. Never dated anyone like this before. I think on the whole, I find him boring and he is just a fuck buddy but admit to being glad to hear its not just me who thinks he is a bit Confused

You seem very invested in your level of contempt for someone who's just a shag. Maybe just leave the poor guy alone?
SpiderinaWingMirror · 15/03/2022 09:37

Jeez. Not for me.

Rewis · 15/03/2022 10:08

expressed how much parenthood doesnt suit him, likened it to a bomb going off in his life, how dads get no support, all attention on mums

This would be a delabreker for me. I don't have kids and don't especially like them. But complaining about your kids this way is a massive dealbreaker for me.

For me the rest are either OK or "not for me" but could not get over that.

grapewines · 15/03/2022 10:25

@D0lphine

The lifestyle wouldn’t put me off - tiny flat, minimal possessions, spiritual could all be just an alternative way of seeing the world and quite refreshing.

This!

He doesn't sound like everyone's cup of tea. But he sounds very honest and non materialistic. Good on him being honest about fatherhood and having healthy boundaries with work.

Agree with all of this. But he doesn't sound like a match for you.
grapewines · 15/03/2022 10:27

Having read updates, just leave him alone. No need to slag him off.

AfterSchoolWorry · 15/03/2022 10:31

God no.

Dreary

BestZebbie · 15/03/2022 10:41

The inability to drive would put me off (though he wouldn't necessarily need to own a car if you live somewhere with good transport links).

I also would be very wary about selfishness and all the related unreliability - would he come round with dinner if you were ill or would he stay away to protect himself/because he doesn't do responsibility?

Sober and vegan would be good points for me (although he isn't actually vegan, so I'd be a bit quizzical about his actual understanding of what vegan means).

StooOrangeyForCrows · 15/03/2022 10:47

Just because he tells you he is spiritual doesn't mean he is.

Degreeincodology · 15/03/2022 10:49

A sober vegan -I'd be completely allergic

Ormally · 15/03/2022 10:55

I'm relatively open-minded about this one. It sounds as if he has made choices as to how he wants to be and I would think it's partly due to realising things from experiences, and partly due to money. Nevertheless, that can have up-sides even though you have assumed it's a negative. Driving - both learning and sustaining - is very expensive. It's a very useful thing but it is possible (and sometimes you've no choice) to adapt to rarely needing it. Buses are generally greener also. I've lived in capitals outside the UK where it's much less the norm to have to rely on a car.

However - this self-actualisation does not look as if there has been a lot of room given to letting in anyone else. If he likes it that way, he probably is not too bothered about how others see it.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 15/03/2022 11:01

I find it a bit odd that so many seem to think not being able to drive is an issue. In London not driving is pretty common, esp with the congestion charge and now the ulez charge too. If a medical issue was an emergency then a car wouldn't necessarily help - parking at my nearest hospital is pretty much impossible, it would be an ambulance or a cab.

I have a licence but don't drive - the hassle and expensive of keeping a car here is too much. I don't think others view me as slightly useless because of this - I bloody hope not anyway!

implantreplace · 15/03/2022 11:03

Do you have children OP?

implantreplace · 15/03/2022 11:07

Op

Last week you posted

* We were due to meet again friday and we were chatting last night so I just asked him, are you seeing anyone else? He said yes sad I was so shocked. Mainly because he had given me no indication and we had been having unprotected sex but also, it just seems so...well, mean. *

ravenmum · 15/03/2022 11:10

I was wondering if this was a revenge thread after he'd rejected her in some way.

ravenmum · 15/03/2022 11:20

OP, why don't you just delete the thread? I can absolutely relate to your new view of the situation, and being pissed off, but it sounds like something you maybe wrote when feeling a bit tired?