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Relationships

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Original poster

At 40, would you expect ..

270 replies

Sonaftersonafterson · 14/03/2022 21:45

More than this?

I've very recently starting seeing a lovely guy. It's very casual, however he is 41 and ..well, would this set up put you off a guy?

Freelance writer. Makes enough to get by but that's it.
Been to his place 4 times. Never once bought me food or a drink. Tea or water!
Seems to have very few personal possessions. Moans about not earning enough yet refuses to work evenings or weekends ever, saying that is 'his time'
Has 1 small child he sees every weekend, a hands on loving dad yet he has expressed how much parenthood doesnt suit him, likened it to a bomb going off in his life, how dads get no support, all attention on mums etc and that he would never ever have another
Lives in a tiny flat by himself. Before that, flat shared with ex or with others
Is very spiritual, vegan and sober.
Doesnt drive. No licence. Travels by bus.

Positives
Very sweet natured, calm, intelligent, interesting and easy on the eye

OP posts:

rattlemehearties · 15/03/2022 07:12

The whining about parenthood is a huge selfish knob red flag. And while seeing his child every weekend sounds admirable at first, he just gets the fun stuff - non of the shit weekday routine parenting. Plus how often will he be available to see you at the weekend? He sounds self absorbed.

eurochick · 15/03/2022 07:13

I could feel my vagina clamping shut as I read your description of him.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 15/03/2022 07:16

Each to their own ...

Loopytiles · 15/03/2022 07:16

Hardly ‘spiritual” to be a shit parent.

Loopytiles · 15/03/2022 07:17

Also, he’s not offered you a shred of food or drink, not even a chickpea!

badger2005 · 15/03/2022 07:17

now i've read the update, i feel like your initial post was unfair. he did offer you food, but just not food that you liked the look of (you describe it as gloop), and he offered you drinks too.
i also feel like this 'yeah, i don't like him, but i'll shag him anyway for fun' is a bit unkind. at least, i don't like it when men say things like this about women - you know 'she's a weirdo hippie, offered me her gross food etc, wouldn't want to be with her, but worth a shag'.

WimpoleHat · 15/03/2022 07:18

Well, he doesn’t sound like one of the great romantic heroes and he definitely wouldn’t be my cup of tea….but if he’s interesting and intelligent then that’s better than some men you meet. Doesn’t sound like you fancy him much, though, so probably not your cup of tea either?

BeHappy91818 · 15/03/2022 07:18

spiritual, vegan and sober.
Doesnt drive. No licence. Travels by bus

He just got worse and worse and the above alone would of made me say no.

liveforsummer · 15/03/2022 07:20

Much of what you've said wound be very odd putting I think he's using 'spiritual' to remain flaky and not especially responsible. The woe is me moaning about how hard parenting is once a week, and is resentful that perhaps his ex actually got a bit of support (suspect not so much from him) would kill my libido dead. Wouldn't be able to shag that, even worse that it's shit 😆

liveforsummer · 15/03/2022 07:24

I also wouldn't say the few possessions were necessarily a sign of an admiral non materialistic view. More likely he's lived with (off) others and never actually owned any of his own stuff. Now he has to live alone and had nothing to take with him it doesn't sound one he can afford much.

naomi81 · 15/03/2022 07:34

No way, sounds very self centred/involved, would actually struggle to fancy him from what you've said!

Electriq · 15/03/2022 07:46

Sounds like he has his own life path and judging by the way you speak of him, your on a different path to his.

Milomonster · 15/03/2022 07:48

You don’t come off very well in your second post. In fact, it made me cringe. He actually sounds marginally nicer than you, and I suspect you haven’t represented him accurately given that you decided to change your mind and admit he did actually offer you food and drink, but it wasn’t to your standards. It’s clear are you using him.

SarahBellam · 15/03/2022 07:48

Darling, this one is for breakfast, not dinner. Have your fill of the good times, but move on when you want a grown up.

Milomonster · 15/03/2022 07:49

@badger2005 yes exactly.

ufucoffee · 15/03/2022 07:53

I wouldn't have got past the first date with all that. The Spiritual, vegan and sober would have been a big no from me never mind the other stuff. He seems lazy. I'd hate that. I like a hard worker.

Sarah2891 · 15/03/2022 07:55

His attitude about parenthood is the most off putting to me.

I don't see a problem with someone being sober and a vegan.

MintyGreenDream · 15/03/2022 07:56

God no.Cant see any good points tbh.

frozendaisy · 15/03/2022 07:57

He's got not ambitions, you can have vegan, spiritual ambitions, but he has no ambitions which is just boring.

SauceGirl · 15/03/2022 08:01

TBH I think your post says a lot more about you than him. And that's not a good thing. Seems unnecessarily spiteful.

frozendaisy · 15/03/2022 08:01

And I thought honey wasn't vegan either?

TenRedThings · 15/03/2022 08:04

I'm feeling sorry for him. You don't like his lifestyle choices and judge him negatively but you'll shag him because he's easy on the eye ! Imagine if the sexes were reversed here !

Waitingwaiting3 · 15/03/2022 08:05

Moans about not earning enough

expressed how much parenthood doesnt suit him, likened it to a bomb going off in his life, how dads get no support, all attention on mums etc and that he would never ever have another

These are the things that would bother me. It’s a bit “victimy” of him.

I would respect and admire the veganism and no car. Do you live in a big city? Can’t see how not having a car is a problem. It isn’t where I am (London) and lots of my wealthy friends with children have no car.

Being vegan is a responsible choice. We need more people to go plant-based!

But overall, he doesn’t sound a catch because he complains a lot and is a bad host.

ThackeryBinks · 15/03/2022 08:12

Not my cup of herbal tea for sure! I'd just like to say that if he was as spiritual as he says he is then why is that child not a blessing? Is his empathy low?

BatshitCrazyWoman · 15/03/2022 08:15

Minimalistic and non-drinker would be fine with me. (I always avoided the 'likes a drink' men on OLD). The rest, particularly moaning about the attention given to new mothers, is a big fat nope from me!

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