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Original poster

DH no plans for mother's day

185 replies

Marley641 · 14/03/2022 15:51

Just wanted to get some opinions on best thing to do.

I am currently pregnant (and overdue!!) with our first child together who is due any day. I have 2 kids from previous marriage who are teen/pre-teen.

DH has been joking recently about finally getting a father's day! He gets a step fathers card but my 2 kids have a great relationship with their biological dad so not really warranted to get my DH something too. He also said he knew Mothers Day was 27th this month.

Today i asked him what the plan was for mother's day as was planning the weekend. He has responded he hasn't planned anything and is taking each day at a time.

He has said this to allude to him saying previously how stressed this pregnacy has made him and also slightly depressed apparently!! Due to worrying about money whilst I'm on maternity leave. Also, as I've suffered massively during pregnancy he has had to take over all house hold chores so feels overwhelmed. 🙄

I am sympathetic to a degree, but we are very well off tbf, he is a higher rate tax payer and i work full time with a decent salary too!!

And it has been me being so unwell in pregnancy that i am basically housebound, i have suffered with depression due to this but have soldiered on as knew it wasn't for ever. Every day i am in agonising pain, with little sympathy being given.

To have him keep trying to guilt trip me for being unwell is pissing me off!!! 😡 Yes he does the practical stuff like cleaning and cooking which i greatly appreciate but i am basically disabled currently so hardly like i can do it!

Anyway!! I didn't reply to the message and he has now said, why don't i invite our mums over and he'll cook a roast.

Previous years we have had a lovely takeaway afternoon tea or gone to a hotel for an afternoon tea.

No offence to dh, but our baby will be about 2 weeks old, i don't fancy trying to make conversation with our mums whilst he's in the kitchen cooking an "okay" roast dinner that i will just have like or lump and if i dain to ask for anything too particular have him sigh loudly. ontop of he has no idea how bad sleepless newborn nights are, so will no doubt be especially grumpy, which will mean even more so i can't 'request' what i want food wise!! He won't make much effort to hold a conversation with the parents so again all pressure on me, when I'll just want to be in pjs, maybe with my boobs hanging out if i decide to breastfeed 😄 watching mindless tv.

My exdh would basically do whatever i asked in terms of mother's day, would ensure kids had got me a decent present etc and i got 'my' day - a lie in, breakfast, nice lunch in or out etc.

So now I'm thinking - do i just tell him i don't want the parents round, i want an afternoon takeaway tea? or chat to my 2 DC and see what they suggest we do?
I was thinking maybe i leave him with the baby for a couple of hours and my elder 2 kids and i go to a restaurant together or something? Or should i just book myself something solo to do for a couple of hours like some spa treatments? (my only worry is my post partum bleeding is always so heavy and lasts for weeks and weeks!!)

I'm just so annoyed at him right now! I already have several items favourited on etsy for father's day for him and a plan on how to spoil him. Clearly I am not worth it, despite having such a terrible pregnancy, being overdue, and would have just given birth to his first child by the time mother's day rolls around!! He clearly hasn't even bothered to think of a present and will no doubt say I'm being materialistic asking for one - despite us having money to buy something!!

I will state - he CAN do amazing presents and special treats if he wants to - he has done for birthdays etc in the past, so not a case of he doesn't know how to.

So long post to basically ask - do i do something at home with him but tell him exactly what i want and hear all the moaning about money, do something with older kids only and pay for it myself, or do something by myself only, also which i will pay for myself.

OP posts:
PinkGinBigGrin · 14/03/2022 16:06

Stop obsessing over it. Why are you taking on your dh's entitled atttiude regarding him getting the Father's Day he feels he deserves? We haven't even had MD yet? Isn't FD in like, July or something?

Just book a meal out and either take the dm's or don't - you decide - it's supposed to be YOUR day to choose.

My dh wouldn't expect anything more than a card (preferably homemade by the dc's) on FD and maybe a bottle of wine.
You sound very competitive with one another.

Nowadays I book a Sunday lunch well in advance as I know dh will forget and then be desperately running round on the day trying to get in somewhere. He does run a business though and works 12 hour days so I don't mind, and my remembering in advance but doing nothing (which I used to do) was just being passive-aggressive and cutting off my nose to spite my face as then we'd just end up with a takeout and me sulking.

Don't put so much emphasis on silly hallmark dates that were "supposed" to celebrate - it sounds like, you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to have a "perfect" day.

Piggy42 · 14/03/2022 16:09

Just decide what you want to do and book it Then you will have what you want. And don’t go all out for Father’s Day.

Original poster
Marley641 · 14/03/2022 16:10

It's not so much about a perfect day, it's about knowing he is capable of showing thoughtfulness but is choosing not to.

Every other day it's a case of getting on with it, so having one day where you get to be appreciated for what you do for the family is really nice.

But i will definitely make a decision with the older kids and am leaning towards spending some time just us.

Btw i do find it sad you have to book your own meal - hope you let your dh book his own meal on father's day 😊

OP posts:
DenholmElliot · 14/03/2022 16:14

Focus on your own mum, and your teenage kids will focus on you. To be honest, your DH has suggested cooking a dinner for his mum - it's his mother and it's mothers day so I think it's a bit churlish of you to object if I'm honest.

girlmom21 · 14/03/2022 16:15

You're going to have a two week old baby, give or take, so you're not going to want to do much.

He's only said he'll get a Father's Day card so he probably doesn't think you need much other than a card and a small token gesture.

If you want more than that make your expectations clear now. Don't wait and be disappointed.

Dillydollydingdong · 14/03/2022 16:20

Why is it DH's job to organise something? You're not his mother. He should be organizing something for his own dm. Like a Sunday lunch cooked by his own fair hand, like he suggested.

Babadook76 · 14/03/2022 16:20

If you’ve got teenage children op then I think it’s a little strange that you haven’t organised to do something with them. If you decide want a takeaway or a meal out then with them just go and do it, you don’t need your oh permission

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 14/03/2022 16:23

Why is it up to your Dh? Your new baby will only be little.

I wish someone would cook me a lovely roast on Mothers Day.

girlmom21 · 14/03/2022 16:23

@Dillydollydingdong

Why is it DH's job to organise something? You're not his mother. He should be organizing something for his own dm. Like a Sunday lunch cooked by his own fair hand, like he suggested.
Because he's the father of their baby who will be too young to do anything and it's a nice gesture of appreciation
Babadook76 · 14/03/2022 16:24

@Dillydollydingdong

Why is it DH's job to organise something? You're not his mother. He should be organizing something for his own dm. Like a Sunday lunch cooked by his own fair hand, like he suggested.
I agree with this. I’d be made up if my oh cooked a full on roast for the family, including both sets of mums/nans for Mother’s Day. I’d be far more impressed with that than a cheap card and a takeaway. As it’s Mother’s Day then I’d expect him to be out treating his actual mum. And you spending it with your children and your own mum 🤷🏼‍♀️
Bbub · 14/03/2022 16:24

You're being ridiculous in my opinion. Yes you've had a tough pregnancy but he's stepped up and it's normal that he's stressed about big life changes. You can tell him what you want but why should he have to plan something major?

Look how long your post is over something so trivial. Its not like he said YOU should cook the roast.

Kite22 · 14/03/2022 16:31

@Bbub

You're being ridiculous in my opinion. Yes you've had a tough pregnancy but he's stepped up and it's normal that he's stressed about big life changes. You can tell him what you want but why should he have to plan something major?

Look how long your post is over something so trivial. Its not like he said YOU should cook the roast.

Agreed.

Your dh has stepped up during the time you have been struggling, which is excellent.
He's sussed that you will either have a 2 week old, a younger one, or still be in labour on Mothers Day so hadn't arranged anything.
Then, when you asked, he did arrange something, and now you are moaning that isn't right. Confused

At two weeks (or possibly only 2 days) after giving birth, most people would rather be at home than being expected to go out somewhere.

You are being very unfair on your dh here - and, oddly, no mention of your dc, whose mother you actually are. Why haven't they offered to cook a nice meal for you ?

RealRaymondReddington · 14/03/2022 16:33

It's only mother's day, most people are happy with a nice bunch of flowers.

Moody123 · 14/03/2022 16:34

I wasn't able to walk two weeks after my LO was born , would not have gone out for a meal
Just ask for a lie in on the morning
Your teenage DV can sort you out and he can sort his mum out
All sorted :-)
I really don't get mothers/fathers day gifts to be honest

nearlyspringyay · 14/03/2022 16:35

Mother's Day is for his mum, your older kids can figure it out. I can't stand hallmark days though.

TeaForTiger · 14/03/2022 16:39

Erm, sorry but I think you're giving your DH a really hard time. I know you are over due and hormonal, but I can't see what he's done wrong really.

Offering to cook for both your Mums sounds lovely to me. You seem like you are putting a lot of pressure on him to think of something amazing and he probably does feel overwhelmed!

Original poster
Marley641 · 14/03/2022 16:40

Dh said a roast for us all after saying no plans - so was just an out loud thought to include our mums too like a regular sunday lunch. My mum wouldn't come anyway as she lives fairly far away and is due up in April. So it'd be me and his mum and the kids.

He currently only gets a card on fathers day - he is expecting a lot more now we have a child together.

The last 2 years he had talked to my 2 kids to arrange mothers day so it would be a surprise for me as obviously they can't afford to buy anything and too young to be using an oven to cook! So i had assumed this had happened this year too, but no. Hence why i said id ask the kids their opinion if hadn't already sorted something with them.

With going out - it's my 3rd baby so not concerned about that. Was out and about next day with my youngest 😄

OP posts:
Byeeefornow · 14/03/2022 16:42

I think his suggestion to cook for everyone is lovely.

Original poster
Marley641 · 14/03/2022 16:42

To clarify i will be the mother to his child who will be a newborn so can't exactly plan anything for me 😂 in that respect he would get zero for father's day if i didn't plan it as the baby would only be few months old

OP posts:
CheltenhamLady · 14/03/2022 16:42

Men really can't win can they?

You will not feel like going out and surely a homemade roast (with whatever issues!) shows it is the thought that counts? I expect his mum will lend a hand if necessary to sort out any major issues.

He is taking it a day at a time because you have had so many issues not because he can't be bothered. Who knows how the birth will pan out?

I hate going out on MD and I much prefer to cook a roast for all the family, sit around the table, chat and open their gifts than to be stuck in a hotel with pressured staff and screaming kids.

It is a very commercial day.

Margaretmatcher · 14/03/2022 16:45

Fgs grow up I I want blah blah blah. He has offered to do a roast but thats not good enough for you.
Yeah go out with your other dc for lunch and leave your new born on mothers day. You sound very entitled and selfish

SpinsForGin · 14/03/2022 16:50

Why is it up to your Dh? Your new baby will only be little.

It's up to her DH because the baby is little and obviously too young to organise anything themselves.

It absolutely is the responsibility of dad to organise something for the mother of his child until they are old enough to organise and pay for it themselves.

Op- tell your DH what you would like and get him to organise it.

ladydimitrescu · 14/03/2022 16:51

Sorry I think what he's offered is lovely. You're making a massive deal over this, he can't win.

AChocolateOrangeaday · 14/03/2022 16:51

God you sound really, really hard work.

Card, bunch of daffs, job done.

Such drama.

layladomino · 14/03/2022 16:51

I completely get why he didn't want to plan anything. When it's within 2 weeks of your due date, it's hard to plan anything.

But when you said you wanted to plan something, he's suggested something - and something that is far more effort for him than just buying a takeaway - so even if you don't like his suggestion, he's not being selfish about it.

It feels as though this is about more than Mothers Day, as I can't see he's done very much wrong.