DH no plans for mother's day

[Marley641]

Just wanted to get some opinions on best thing to do.

I am currently pregnant (and overdue!!) with our first child together who is due any day. I have 2 kids from previous marriage who are teen/pre-teen.

DH has been joking recently about finally getting a father's day! He gets a step fathers card but my 2 kids have a great relationship with their biological dad so not really warranted to get my DH something too. He also said he knew Mothers Day was 27th this month.

Today i asked him what the plan was for mother's day as was planning the weekend. He has responded he hasn't planned anything and is taking each day at a time.

He has said this to allude to him saying previously how stressed this pregnacy has made him and also slightly depressed apparently!! Due to worrying about money whilst I'm on maternity leave. Also, as I've suffered massively during pregnancy he has had to take over all house hold chores so feels overwhelmed. 🙄

I am sympathetic to a degree, but we are very well off tbf, he is a higher rate tax payer and i work full time with a decent salary too!!

And it has been me being so unwell in pregnancy that i am basically housebound, i have suffered with depression due to this but have soldiered on as knew it wasn't for ever. Every day i am in agonising pain, with little sympathy being given.

To have him keep trying to guilt trip me for being unwell is pissing me off!!! 😡 Yes he does the practical stuff like cleaning and cooking which i greatly appreciate but i am basically disabled currently so hardly like i can do it!

Anyway!! I didn't reply to the message and he has now said, why don't i invite our mums over and he'll cook a roast.

Previous years we have had a lovely takeaway afternoon tea or gone to a hotel for an afternoon tea.

No offence to dh, but our baby will be about 2 weeks old, i don't fancy trying to make conversation with our mums whilst he's in the kitchen cooking an "okay" roast dinner that i will just have like or lump and if i dain to ask for anything too particular have him sigh loudly. ontop of he has no idea how bad sleepless newborn nights are, so will no doubt be especially grumpy, which will mean even more so i can't 'request' what i want food wise!! He won't make much effort to hold a conversation with the parents so again all pressure on me, when I'll just want to be in pjs, maybe with my boobs hanging out if i decide to breastfeed 😄 watching mindless tv.

My exdh would basically do whatever i asked in terms of mother's day, would ensure kids had got me a decent present etc and i got 'my' day - a lie in, breakfast, nice lunch in or out etc.

So now I'm thinking - do i just tell him i don't want the parents round, i want an afternoon takeaway tea? or chat to my 2 DC and see what they suggest we do?
I was thinking maybe i leave him with the baby for a couple of hours and my elder 2 kids and i go to a restaurant together or something? Or should i just book myself something solo to do for a couple of hours like some spa treatments? (my only worry is my post partum bleeding is always so heavy and lasts for weeks and weeks!!)

I'm just so annoyed at him right now! I already have several items favourited on etsy for father's day for him and a plan on how to spoil him. Clearly I am not worth it, despite having such a terrible pregnancy, being overdue, and would have just given birth to his first child by the time mother's day rolls around!! He clearly hasn't even bothered to think of a present and will no doubt say I'm being materialistic asking for one - despite us having money to buy something!!

I will state - he CAN do amazing presents and special treats if he wants to - he has done for birthdays etc in the past, so not a case of he doesn't know how to.

So long post to basically ask - do i do something at home with him but tell him exactly what i want and hear all the moaning about money, do something with older kids only and pay for it myself, or do something by myself only, also which i will pay for myself.

It's mother's day your not his mother. He buys you a card and some chocolates/presents from the baby and cooks dinner for you and HIS mum sounds like a good idea.

Mothers day is a load of nonsense. I've been super clear with my lot since they were old enough to understand that I would never expect them to do anything for. A mother should be thankful for her children and certainly never expect or need thanks for what she does for her children, that's what she's there for after all.

Mother's Day, it's nothing but self indulgent rubbish!

He currently only gets a card on fathers day-he is expecting a lot more now we have a child together

Ok then, in that case I’d wait and see what happens on Mother’s Day and then do the same for him on Father’s Day. If he buys you a card and cooks a meal-you do the same.

I’m quite happy with a card and a bunch of flowers, to be honest!

@ravenmum

I do feel a bit sad that it seems the norm for a lot of you to cook your own dinners etc and be grateful for it My dp cooks me dinner half the time. I love being cooked for. I also love having someone else plan the meal, so I don't even have to think about what I'm going to get. It just appears on my plate. Bliss!

No, it's that the roast dinner is what HE would like. Not what I'd fancy eating. I didn't want anything fancy - but something that I'd actually enjoy.
Can you not just say "I don't fancy a roast, but I'd looove some burritos" or whatever it is you crave?

Because why use common sense and make everyone’s life pleasanter when you can set someone up to fail, and then get all offended and upset and and slag them off on a public forum. So he has actually arranged something for previous Mother’s Days, even though the children aren’t his and they’re actually old enough to plan something on their own? And now he’s put this year on the back burner because the op will either have a newborn or may even still be pregnant. And when she’s said she wanted to plan something he’s offered to do a full roast for all of the mums, but that’s not enough effort. The op wants a takeaway even though that’s a fuck of a lot less effort. But when people point that out she DOES actually want him to cook, but not a roast. But she’s somehow incapable of telling him what she’d like. She’s impossible to please

I have no idea what I’m doing for Mother’s Day either yet!

You say you’re due any day so surely you have no idea how you’ll feel in a couple of weeks time.
It best to just take it day by day for now.

If you don’t want your parents round then say so but you might decide it’ll be nice for them to see the baby all on one day.

If you need to give parents and PIL notice just explain to them about how your newborn will be so small so you’ve decided to not do anything for it this year and they can come round for a roast a different time.

I personally would get a takeaway and put my feet up all day.

Remember it’s just another day so you don’t have to celebrate it on that day.

OMG some of these comments 😂

Just to reiterate - he had planned ZERO. No present, no card, no lunch.

Only because i ASKED did he then suggest doing a roast and may as well have our mums too.

This is AFTER making comments earlier in the year about him looking forward to being spoilt on fathers day.

By presents, he KNOWS what i like - flowers! Nothing expensive or difficult to source and the kids normally get me some of my favourite chocolates or bubble bath.

If I'd not have mentioned anything it would have been our first mothers day with our newborn and i would have gotten nothing!

That is why i am annoyed. That and he thinks now that he's begrudgingly offered to cook a meal that is HIS favourite i should be grateful. STILL no mention of a card or anything. After my having a pregnancy that has been so difficult i wouldn't wish it on anyone AND I've still got labour to go through!!

Anyway! I am going to leave it there as its not worth stressing myself out even more when i feeling this hormonal and in pain 😪

It may be your 3rd baby but you have NO idea how how you'll feel after, you may even still be in hospital and even if you feel good you won't want to leave your 2 week old baby for a spa day ffs. Tell him what you want for mothers day.

In the OP's own words her husband's "expectations" about Father's Day weren't especially serious so he's hardly demanding anything.

I don't see why his worry (and depression?) about money and taking on the running of the house merit the OP rolling her eyes at him. They're reasonable emotions.

Also not unreasonable that he didn't plan anything, or didn't know what to plan, given that OP would be so close to her due date.

But the most massively unreasonable thing is that offering to cook a roast for all the mums is an excellent thing to do for Mother's Day, and a not inconsiderable effort. And yet it's still not good enough?

And all of this over a stupid Hallmark holiday. God, threads like this make me glad to be in a relationship where neither of us give a shit about such nonsense.

Your eldest child is 13, why would they not be deciding a present/treat for you? Sure, they won't have money but that's what step-dads/Dads are for. I know when I was that age I was more than capable of organising the card and present aspect as my Dad was pretty useless at gifts and my siblings and I would normally put on a nice breakfast in bed for Mum.

With going out - it's my 3rd baby so not concerned about that. Was out and about next day with my youngest

Yup I was like that with my first and second and then my third destroyed me, so I wouldn't plan around below previous births.

Also you don't know for sire yet that he hasn't got you something. You wait and see how much effort he puts in and then you match it for fathers day no matter what he expects. To be honest I would be quite happy with a Sunday roast and a small gift (ideally a plant which I always ask for instead of flowers, but always get flowers). Your making too much of a big deal of this. Put it down to pregnancy hormones.

STILL no mention of a card or anything

So it would make you feel better if he said, ‘I’m going to buy you a card for Mother’s Day!’?

Does he normally tell you he’ll be getting you a card for your birthday?!

I’m presuming it’s because you’re pregnant that you are behaving like this?!

Just to reiterate - he had planned ZERO. No present, no card, no lunch.

Most of us have planned zero because it is still a couple of weeks away and for most people a card and a bunch of flowers is fine

You really are being unreasonable here. You asked him what he was doing, he made a perfectly reasonable suggestion (which also gets you off the hook as your DM would be included), and now you are being a diva. You are old enough to know better than this.

I’d be very clear so you started as you mean to go on. Dh if I’m not worth you doing some planning and making some effort for Mother’s Day 2 weeks after I’ve had our baby you can stop dreaming of anything nice happening on Father’s Day, you can cook your favorite meal for yourself. On Mother’s Day it would w nice if you’d think what I’d like instead of what you’d like to eat and what your mum might like to do. (My Dh did nothing for my first Mother’s Day and I was so hurt. He was full of pathetic waffle excuses. I wasn’t going to start trying for a second baby if he didn’t manage Mother’s Day the following year so luckily he did absorb how I felt. As is so often the case there was a general theme of he was not appreciative or supportive in other ways which is why Mother’s Day mattered to me)

Your kids are more than old enough to buy you a gift and a card with their pocket money.

I don't know why you want a fuss from your DH, especially as Valentine's Day was only last month?

Let him sort his mum and you sort yours. I'm sure your mum would be fine with just flowers, given that you'd have a newborn to deal with.

The takeaway afternoon tea sounds nice.

Tell him that you desire a card and a bunch of flowers.

Good luck with the birth, OP.

Can posters please be mindful that this is Relationships, not AIBU; and that the OP is heavily pregnant, in a lot of pain, and stressing.

Give her a break fgs.

Hmmm... Simple fact is , why should us awesome mums be "worshipped and showered with gifts ect" one day a damn year?? Surely we deserve to be told or showed any day of the year.
Just another day of the year for shops to make their money really.

Im sure there are some mums who have nobody and get 0 , but they have their kids and thats all that matters anyways?

Just my opinion.

Just to reiterate - he had planned ZERO. No present, no card, no lunch.

It’s ages away yet!
I’ve not planned anything and no one I know has planned anything yet.

The only people who have planned things are the ones who are going out for a meal or something and need to book it but you can’t do that as you’re heavily pregnant and will have a newborn.

He wouldn’t have thought about getting you a card or anything yet.

What have you planned or brought your mum for Mother’s Day this year?

God you sound like hard work. Why are you stressing out over this? You’ve got your hands full as it is.

You have a husband who is a higher rate tax payer, which usually means a relatively stressful/busy job. He's picked up all the household chores whilst you are not able to help. He has a lot on and it's still two weeks til Mother's Day. Maybe he wanted to surprise you?
You are making a mountain out of nothing. It's one day, made mad by retailers and social media. As long as you're all together why do the presents matter. You've been having mothers days for 13 years, do you behave like this every year? A first Father's Day is by far more exciting as it's his first ever one.
Try to let go of the anger than you seem to have stored up and make the most of the last days before baby arrives. Hopefully when they are here you'll see how trivial all this seems.

My Husband is working. I can't get excited about it. I think you're making an overly big deal if the day in general.

Your h sounds like he's going to be a fkg nightmare when your newborn arrives (and onwards).

Moaning about seemingly everything inc. money/financed when when he's high a tax bracket earner.

I have been a mother for 10 years and never felt the need to plan / enquire about plans two weeks ahead. I get the lie in, breakfast in bed and a card/gift from the dc and dh. Then we do the rounds to our own mothers.

If dh wants to plan something in addition to the norm, then he can crack on. If not, fine.

*finances

And the bring mothers round for roast not terribly compatible with caring for a newborn .... and the poster who said she's sure his mother can help.out; yeah on mother's day, she should be helping cook by roast for 6 plus people.