Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

DH no plans for mother's day

185 replies

Marley641 · 14/03/2022 15:51

Just wanted to get some opinions on best thing to do.

I am currently pregnant (and overdue!!) with our first child together who is due any day. I have 2 kids from previous marriage who are teen/pre-teen.

DH has been joking recently about finally getting a father's day! He gets a step fathers card but my 2 kids have a great relationship with their biological dad so not really warranted to get my DH something too. He also said he knew Mothers Day was 27th this month.

Today i asked him what the plan was for mother's day as was planning the weekend. He has responded he hasn't planned anything and is taking each day at a time.

He has said this to allude to him saying previously how stressed this pregnacy has made him and also slightly depressed apparently!! Due to worrying about money whilst I'm on maternity leave. Also, as I've suffered massively during pregnancy he has had to take over all house hold chores so feels overwhelmed. 🙄

I am sympathetic to a degree, but we are very well off tbf, he is a higher rate tax payer and i work full time with a decent salary too!!

And it has been me being so unwell in pregnancy that i am basically housebound, i have suffered with depression due to this but have soldiered on as knew it wasn't for ever. Every day i am in agonising pain, with little sympathy being given.

To have him keep trying to guilt trip me for being unwell is pissing me off!!! 😡 Yes he does the practical stuff like cleaning and cooking which i greatly appreciate but i am basically disabled currently so hardly like i can do it!

Anyway!! I didn't reply to the message and he has now said, why don't i invite our mums over and he'll cook a roast.

Previous years we have had a lovely takeaway afternoon tea or gone to a hotel for an afternoon tea.

No offence to dh, but our baby will be about 2 weeks old, i don't fancy trying to make conversation with our mums whilst he's in the kitchen cooking an "okay" roast dinner that i will just have like or lump and if i dain to ask for anything too particular have him sigh loudly. ontop of he has no idea how bad sleepless newborn nights are, so will no doubt be especially grumpy, which will mean even more so i can't 'request' what i want food wise!! He won't make much effort to hold a conversation with the parents so again all pressure on me, when I'll just want to be in pjs, maybe with my boobs hanging out if i decide to breastfeed 😄 watching mindless tv.

My exdh would basically do whatever i asked in terms of mother's day, would ensure kids had got me a decent present etc and i got 'my' day - a lie in, breakfast, nice lunch in or out etc.

So now I'm thinking - do i just tell him i don't want the parents round, i want an afternoon takeaway tea? or chat to my 2 DC and see what they suggest we do?
I was thinking maybe i leave him with the baby for a couple of hours and my elder 2 kids and i go to a restaurant together or something? Or should i just book myself something solo to do for a couple of hours like some spa treatments? (my only worry is my post partum bleeding is always so heavy and lasts for weeks and weeks!!)

I'm just so annoyed at him right now! I already have several items favourited on etsy for father's day for him and a plan on how to spoil him. Clearly I am not worth it, despite having such a terrible pregnancy, being overdue, and would have just given birth to his first child by the time mother's day rolls around!! He clearly hasn't even bothered to think of a present and will no doubt say I'm being materialistic asking for one - despite us having money to buy something!!

I will state - he CAN do amazing presents and special treats if he wants to - he has done for birthdays etc in the past, so not a case of he doesn't know how to.

So long post to basically ask - do i do something at home with him but tell him exactly what i want and hear all the moaning about money, do something with older kids only and pay for it myself, or do something by myself only, also which i will pay for myself.

OP posts:

thenewduchessoflapland · 14/03/2022 16:52

God he sounds like hard work.You're having a shit time pregnancy wise and he's moaning.

How about for Mother's Day you settle yourself on the sofa snuggling your new baby and watch your favourite movies whilst your DH/teens bring you tea,snacks and cook your favourite dinner?

If your DH can't afford a present then how about something simple like a bar of your favourite chocolate.

It's about showing some thoughtfulness not massive gestures.

girlmom21 · 14/03/2022 16:52

He currently only gets a card on fathers day - he is expecting a lot more now we have a child together.

Tell him he gets to set the precedent. If he makes no effort for Mother's Day don't worry about Father's Day.

NoSquirrels · 14/03/2022 16:58

You might still be pregnant then! Or days post-partum.

This is totally a pregnancy hormones unreasonable thing.

Next year, when you’ve got a one-year-old, if he hasn’t stepped up his game then, fair enough.

But let this one go.

Original poster

Marley641 · 14/03/2022 17:01

Thanks @SpinsForGin thats my point

OP posts:

Kite22 · 14/03/2022 17:04

The last 2 years he had talked to my 2 kids to arrange mothers day so it would be a surprise for me as obviously they can't afford to buy anything and too young to be using an oven to cook!

Eh ?
You said earlier they were teen and pre-teen.

AelinoftheWildfire · 14/03/2022 17:09

I can see it from both sides I think. It's a while away yet so he does have time to plan something however him cooking while you sit and make small talk with his mum and then again while he's cleaning up isn't really a break for you. Hopefully he will surprise you but in the meantime I'd speak with your teens and maybe just have a chilled out film/ takeaway afternoon with them while your DH takes over baby duties so you can nap if you want

ravenmum · 14/03/2022 17:11

If he's genuinely worried about money and the responsibility of having another child to care for, then it seems harsh to criticise him for "moaning about money" and calling a home-made roast dinner "okay" - did you specifically want something more expensive, when he feels stressed about finances?

Are you pining for your exh or what has he got to do with it?

AStar98 · 14/03/2022 17:13

Wow, why do you need an entire day?

I'm not understanding people's persistent neediness to be fanned and fawned over for an entire 24 hours.

Sounds like you've had a tough time, but perhaps think about those less fortunate, people who are in or currently fleeing Ukraine?

Appreciate what you have. Before it becomes what you had.

Original poster

Marley641 · 14/03/2022 17:18

Thanks everyone for your thoughts - even if i don't really agree with some of them 😄 I do feel a bit sad that it seems the norm for a lot of you to cook your own dinners etc and be grateful for it 🤨

@Kite22 the oldest is 13 - they can make basic things. I'd like to avoid food poisoning if possible 🙃

Dh has said he did look at presents but apparently he felt anything he got i wouldn't like so didn't get anything...as opposed to asking for my input🙄 Looks like ill be getting myself my dc first mothers day gift to me. Glad i found out now rather than 2 weeks post partum when I'm sure it would have tipped me over the edge with the sleep deprivation lol

My 2 have said it's my day so if i tell them what I'd like to do and they'll happily do it.

I have vetoed babysitting his mother for the day! I will also feel zero guilt getting him to organise his own father's day 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Marley641 · 14/03/2022 17:20

@ravenmum

Are you pining for your exh or what has he got to do with it?

No, it's that the roast dinner is what HE would like. Not what I'd fancy eating. I didn't want anything fancy - but something that I'd actually enjoy.

OP posts:

Lorw · 14/03/2022 17:21

Sorry OP I think you’re being unreasonable, it isn’t your first Mother’s Day, just the first mother day with a new baby who will be too young to know what’s going on, why would

amatsip · 14/03/2022 17:22

It seems whatever he does won’t match your expectations.

I’m happy enough with a cuddle and a home made card from my 10 year old.

Lorw · 14/03/2022 17:22

Posted too soon.

I think this just requires some communication, tell him what you want and expect then you can’t be disappointed.

girlmom21 · 14/03/2022 17:23

I'm really confused as to why people are asking why she needs a full day (OP didn't create the day) or saying she could still be pregnant (she's already overdue - she won't still be pregnant) or she should be grateful for a cooked meal when she's less than 2 weeks PP...

girlmom21 · 14/03/2022 17:24

My first Mother's Day DP got me a key ring that was personalised with DD's name, birthday and weight. It was cute and I was really touched. It probably cost him a tenner and 10 minutes on Getting Personal. It doesn't take much.

TeaForTiger · 14/03/2022 17:29

I do feel a bit sad that it seems the norm for a lot of you to cook your own dinners etc and be grateful for it

I guess all families are different. My DC's school sell little gifts that the children can buy during the day. Being presented with a bagful of tat from the school stall always makes me a bit teary. They are 7&9 and make me breakfast (using the hob/ oven!) and give me my gifts.

That's it really. I've never expected expensive gifts from DH at all, just him to help the DC's if they need it. Same story for father's Day.

I'm sure you'll have a lovely day with your new addition, lovely older children and DH.

DottyHarmer · 14/03/2022 17:33

my ex-Dh would basically do whatever I wanted in terms of mother’s day

So what happened to him, then?

SunshineCake1 · 14/03/2022 17:35

Tell him what you want and what your expectations are. When he doesn't give you what you want then you can complain.

Scandisaurus22 · 14/03/2022 17:36

@Bbub

You're being ridiculous in my opinion. Yes you've had a tough pregnancy but he's stepped up and it's normal that he's stressed about big life changes. You can tell him what you want but why should he have to plan something major?

Look how long your post is over something so trivial. Its not like he said YOU should cook the roast.

Agree. Focus on your on mum, and let your older children focus on you. And dh can focus on his own mother, you are not his mum so you really need to get a grip.

frazzledasarock · 14/03/2022 17:36

Why are people insisting OP won’t want to go out soon after giving birth. When OP says she was fine with her last DC post birth and went out.

The point is the H here is suddenly competitively hard done by, because he’s having to step up and do what OP’s been doing all along.

Offering to cook a mediocre Sunday roast when that’s not what OP wants, isn’t a big deal he should be lauded for.

OP decide what you want and arrange that. Tell him that’s what you want and ask him to arrange that. Unless he wants to cook for his mum (doesn’t sound like it, sounds like the invites to your mums is an afterthought and a good way to cut corners so he doesn’t need to make an effort for anyone).

If he wants to cook for his mother, you can go out with your DC and leave him to it.

It does feel shit he’s not thinking of you. Keep in mind what he does for Mother’s Day, and celebrate Father’s Day in a similar fashion.

ElevenSmiles · 14/03/2022 17:36

Dotty...He escaped...

Halllyup17 · 14/03/2022 17:36

FFS. You wanted him to plan something. He planned something. You get annoyed with his plans because your baby will be two weeks old?! I don't know why so many women can't seem to function normally with a newborn. It's not like you have to do anything, just chat! Get a grip.

ravenmum · 14/03/2022 17:39

I do feel a bit sad that it seems the norm for a lot of you to cook your own dinners etc and be grateful for it
My dp cooks me dinner half the time. I love being cooked for. I also love having someone else plan the meal, so I don't even have to think about what I'm going to get. It just appears on my plate. Bliss!

No, it's that the roast dinner is what HE would like. Not what I'd fancy eating. I didn't want anything fancy - but something that I'd actually enjoy.
Can you not just say "I don't fancy a roast, but I'd looove some burritos" or whatever it is you crave?

DottyHarmer · 14/03/2022 17:40

@ElevenSmiles

OP, the phrase “What did your last slave die of?” comes to mind….

TidyDancer · 14/03/2022 17:42

I think given that the baby will be so young, he should be doing something but I'm not sure why a card and a bunch of flowers wouldn't be enough? I think it's also quite unfair that you've vetoed him cooking for his own mother. You've made this into a bigger deal than it needed to be really.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8