DH no plans for mother's day

[Marley641]

Just wanted to get some opinions on best thing to do.

I am currently pregnant (and overdue!!) with our first child together who is due any day. I have 2 kids from previous marriage who are teen/pre-teen.

DH has been joking recently about finally getting a father's day! He gets a step fathers card but my 2 kids have a great relationship with their biological dad so not really warranted to get my DH something too. He also said he knew Mothers Day was 27th this month.

Today i asked him what the plan was for mother's day as was planning the weekend. He has responded he hasn't planned anything and is taking each day at a time.

He has said this to allude to him saying previously how stressed this pregnacy has made him and also slightly depressed apparently!! Due to worrying about money whilst I'm on maternity leave. Also, as I've suffered massively during pregnancy he has had to take over all house hold chores so feels overwhelmed. 🙄

I am sympathetic to a degree, but we are very well off tbf, he is a higher rate tax payer and i work full time with a decent salary too!!

And it has been me being so unwell in pregnancy that i am basically housebound, i have suffered with depression due to this but have soldiered on as knew it wasn't for ever. Every day i am in agonising pain, with little sympathy being given.

To have him keep trying to guilt trip me for being unwell is pissing me off!!! 😡 Yes he does the practical stuff like cleaning and cooking which i greatly appreciate but i am basically disabled currently so hardly like i can do it!

Anyway!! I didn't reply to the message and he has now said, why don't i invite our mums over and he'll cook a roast.

Previous years we have had a lovely takeaway afternoon tea or gone to a hotel for an afternoon tea.

No offence to dh, but our baby will be about 2 weeks old, i don't fancy trying to make conversation with our mums whilst he's in the kitchen cooking an "okay" roast dinner that i will just have like or lump and if i dain to ask for anything too particular have him sigh loudly. ontop of he has no idea how bad sleepless newborn nights are, so will no doubt be especially grumpy, which will mean even more so i can't 'request' what i want food wise!! He won't make much effort to hold a conversation with the parents so again all pressure on me, when I'll just want to be in pjs, maybe with my boobs hanging out if i decide to breastfeed 😄 watching mindless tv.

My exdh would basically do whatever i asked in terms of mother's day, would ensure kids had got me a decent present etc and i got 'my' day - a lie in, breakfast, nice lunch in or out etc.

So now I'm thinking - do i just tell him i don't want the parents round, i want an afternoon takeaway tea? or chat to my 2 DC and see what they suggest we do?
I was thinking maybe i leave him with the baby for a couple of hours and my elder 2 kids and i go to a restaurant together or something? Or should i just book myself something solo to do for a couple of hours like some spa treatments? (my only worry is my post partum bleeding is always so heavy and lasts for weeks and weeks!!)

I'm just so annoyed at him right now! I already have several items favourited on etsy for father's day for him and a plan on how to spoil him. Clearly I am not worth it, despite having such a terrible pregnancy, being overdue, and would have just given birth to his first child by the time mother's day rolls around!! He clearly hasn't even bothered to think of a present and will no doubt say I'm being materialistic asking for one - despite us having money to buy something!!

I will state - he CAN do amazing presents and special treats if he wants to - he has done for birthdays etc in the past, so not a case of he doesn't know how to.

So long post to basically ask - do i do something at home with him but tell him exactly what i want and hear all the moaning about money, do something with older kids only and pay for it myself, or do something by myself only, also which i will pay for myself.

Dh has said he did look at presents but apparently he felt anything he got i wouldn't like so didn't get anything...

Well at least he knows he can't please you !

@harriethoyle

The irony of you "vetoing" your DH seeing his Mother on Mother's day when you think it's such an important day is absolutely staggering...

THIS

I'm imagining a scenario in which a husband has quietly organised a thoughtful surprise for his wife on Mother's Day, and then two weeks out she interrogates him about his plans and has a meltdown at him for not caring about her when he says something evasive to avoid giving away the secret.

I hope they'll both be able to laugh about it two weeks from now.

Relax, OP, if your DH and your DC have had Mother's Day in hand before they'll have it in hand this year too.

So it's basically not 'mother's day' it's ops day, and seeing her own or her dp seeing his is wrong.
The dp should be going all out and taking control of all the kids to give her whatever, whenever she wants.
The dp should be grateful for receiving only a card from the step kids before.
It's about to be his first actual fathers day, but if she doesn't get what she wants he'll get nothing? Oh and being compared to the ex because he was better as did what he was told?
Absolutely very very hard work.

You're having a hard time, I get it. But you sound completely lacking in empathy towards your husband. He works full time and is doing all the housework while looking after his pregnant wife who is struggling mentally, and you're complaining about mother's Day?

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

It mens nothing in essence except a very long history. I guess that’s ‘nothing’ though?

I don’t care about the religious bit, but it’s not just a made up thing like the US version.

Yes it has a long tradition and in that sense is within our culture (although the way that is expressed has changed with the american influence I think)

But the mawkish sentimentality and as this thread unfortunately shows, the expectation causes it to be something quite fake.

I think yabu. Mothers day is 2 weeks away...I haven't organised anything for mothers day yet for my mum, doesn't mean I don't care and aren't going to arrange anything. On the news today a mother and her baby died whilst in labour due to being bombed. Get a grip fgs. You do sound like hard work. Sorry OP I don't want to be horrible to you whilst you're pregnant but come on, put things in to perspective a bit.

@harriethoyle

The irony of you "vetoing" your DH seeing his Mother on Mother's day when you think it's such an important day is absolutely staggering...

Not just me then. I couldn’t believe what I was reading.

Maybe you caught him offguard as if he has a high paying job assume he has to work hard , then he is covering household chores as well
Are your kids helping him out, you said one is a teenager
Maybe he wasn't sure you would want to go out as I assume this pregnancy hasn't been like your other two as you have been ill
Maybe just sit and discuss that you would like xxx to happen mothers day
But your dc could be given some money to get you a little gift they are old enough and isn't it about that your kids recognising you
He also has to do his mum too

@thenewduchessoflapland but that is what he offered to cook a roast and OP doesn't want that

You are making a massive deal of all of this, it’s all a bit strange and obsessive.
Leave him to it. If he doesn’t bother getting you anything or planning anything then give him the same courtesy on Father’s Day. Job done!

@frazzledasarock her dh said he wS taking it day by day , Op has said she is basically disabled this pregnancy and you have no idea if she normally does all the things he is now doing or if they share as she hasn't sAid
He suggested cooking a roast meal as he has a mum too
Op could if simply said I would prefer xyz and kids one is a teen they can sort a gift from them thats not her dh job and maybe he has got a gift from baby or is planning too for a suprise , I mean isn't that the point

I am sad that all you awesome women do not get the same treatment and even sadder that nobody is teaching the next generation any better either. You all deserve some effort and appreciation.

And stop with the 'oh how low you're all setting the bar' crap. Its emotive patronising rubbish. Its nothing to be proud of that you're incredibly needy and demanding.

This ^, that @bellac11 said

The irony of you "vetoing" your DH seeing his Mother on Mother's day when you think it's such an important day is absolutely staggering...
and this ^ is spot on

Why does he need to plan a card and flowers he can just go out and get them the day before
If he has always got a card for your other kids he likely would now just hasn't done yet
I haven't bought m mums mothers card now or planned it either

@thinkhorsesnotzebra if your not a mother then you don't know how much it means when your 3 year old gives you a card they made
Also finances for many mean grand gestures are out of the question
Just because your dad and family do it one way doesn't make that the only wAy
I appreciate my mum all year round I don't need mothers day to prove it , its the little things i do all year that matter

@thinkhorsesnotzebra appreciation is more than just a day
I know people who get elaborate presents etc on mothers day but treated like shit the rest of the time
Think I know what I would rather
Do you go all out for fathers day as well?

@thinkhorsesnotzebra

Wow these Mother's Day treads always just seem to prove how low a lot of you set the bar .....

Always comments about happy with a cuddle and a cheap bunch of flowers and anyone who dares to set expectation a bit higher is very quickly labelled as 'hard work'.

I am not yet a Mother so I have no skin in this game before anyone starts claiming I must be hard work. I have, however, spent my life watching my Dad make a big fuss out of it for my Mum every year. Even now her children are fully functioning adults (most of the time) who have also been making a fuss of her for years he still puts the effort in. It is a combined effort.

I am sad that all you awesome women do not get the same treatment and even sadder that nobody is teaching the next generation any better either. You all deserve some effort and appreciation.

(Oh and before anyone even tries to say otherwise my Mother is an amazing Mum not a demanding narc we were scared to upset)

You may not be hard work now, but woe betide your future DH if he doesn't perform as well as your dad...

Why would someone equate 'showing appreciation' with spending lots of money (I'm assuming the high wage earner was to illustrate this) sounds like the OP wants an insta worthy fiesta of a day
It's utter bull shit and if he's that rubbish a person why did you have a kid with him? What a shame your ex treated you so much better yet he's your ex 🤔

Always comments about happy with a cuddle and a cheap bunch of flowers and anyone who dares to set expectation a bit higher is very quickly labelled as 'hard work'

Because that's generally what kids could afford and it's meant to be for them to show their appreciation. It baffles me your dad still treats your mum like the Queen of Sheba for Mother's Day when her kids are grown adults.
Once again on MN the need for some women to be so worshipped amazes me

I think there might be something else going on here. Why do you need a gift from your newborn so badly you’d buy your own? It’s a baby!! A card from your husband on behalf of the baby is sweet, but a gift? I thought the point of Mother’s Day is for the child to pay respect to the mother (like your husband is doing with his mum). When your baby is older your husband can take them out to choose a card etc. It seems you want recognition from your husband, but isn’t that what anniversary/birthdays are for? If you want a present so much that you are going to buy it on behalf of a baby who has no concept of anything is a bit silly - just treat yourself to a present, there doesn’t need to be an occasion!

Well said @worriedatthistime

My ex used to get ready meal combo, he could put in the oven, not fab, nice tho and cards from my sons, one year my younger son was two days old, not much happened that year.
Now at 31 and 33, getting taken out, my mum not here anymore.
Lunch sounds lovely, hopefully cards from your other children , and prob gifts

My exdh would basically do whatever i asked

Why even mention this?! Presumably he's an ex DH for a reason?

I think you're being a bit silly - I could perhaps understand if it was your first child... it's not it's your 3rd!

@DottyHarmer

my ex-Dh would basically do whatever I wanted in terms of mother’s day

So what happened to him, then?

Read my mind!

Christ Almighty grow up, You sound about 12.