DH no plans for mother's day

[Marley641]

Just wanted to get some opinions on best thing to do.

I am currently pregnant (and overdue!!) with our first child together who is due any day. I have 2 kids from previous marriage who are teen/pre-teen.

DH has been joking recently about finally getting a father's day! He gets a step fathers card but my 2 kids have a great relationship with their biological dad so not really warranted to get my DH something too. He also said he knew Mothers Day was 27th this month.

Today i asked him what the plan was for mother's day as was planning the weekend. He has responded he hasn't planned anything and is taking each day at a time.

He has said this to allude to him saying previously how stressed this pregnacy has made him and also slightly depressed apparently!! Due to worrying about money whilst I'm on maternity leave. Also, as I've suffered massively during pregnancy he has had to take over all house hold chores so feels overwhelmed. 🙄

I am sympathetic to a degree, but we are very well off tbf, he is a higher rate tax payer and i work full time with a decent salary too!!

And it has been me being so unwell in pregnancy that i am basically housebound, i have suffered with depression due to this but have soldiered on as knew it wasn't for ever. Every day i am in agonising pain, with little sympathy being given.

To have him keep trying to guilt trip me for being unwell is pissing me off!!! 😡 Yes he does the practical stuff like cleaning and cooking which i greatly appreciate but i am basically disabled currently so hardly like i can do it!

Anyway!! I didn't reply to the message and he has now said, why don't i invite our mums over and he'll cook a roast.

Previous years we have had a lovely takeaway afternoon tea or gone to a hotel for an afternoon tea.

No offence to dh, but our baby will be about 2 weeks old, i don't fancy trying to make conversation with our mums whilst he's in the kitchen cooking an "okay" roast dinner that i will just have like or lump and if i dain to ask for anything too particular have him sigh loudly. ontop of he has no idea how bad sleepless newborn nights are, so will no doubt be especially grumpy, which will mean even more so i can't 'request' what i want food wise!! He won't make much effort to hold a conversation with the parents so again all pressure on me, when I'll just want to be in pjs, maybe with my boobs hanging out if i decide to breastfeed 😄 watching mindless tv.

My exdh would basically do whatever i asked in terms of mother's day, would ensure kids had got me a decent present etc and i got 'my' day - a lie in, breakfast, nice lunch in or out etc.

So now I'm thinking - do i just tell him i don't want the parents round, i want an afternoon takeaway tea? or chat to my 2 DC and see what they suggest we do?
I was thinking maybe i leave him with the baby for a couple of hours and my elder 2 kids and i go to a restaurant together or something? Or should i just book myself something solo to do for a couple of hours like some spa treatments? (my only worry is my post partum bleeding is always so heavy and lasts for weeks and weeks!!)

I'm just so annoyed at him right now! I already have several items favourited on etsy for father's day for him and a plan on how to spoil him. Clearly I am not worth it, despite having such a terrible pregnancy, being overdue, and would have just given birth to his first child by the time mother's day rolls around!! He clearly hasn't even bothered to think of a present and will no doubt say I'm being materialistic asking for one - despite us having money to buy something!!

I will state - he CAN do amazing presents and special treats if he wants to - he has done for birthdays etc in the past, so not a case of he doesn't know how to.

So long post to basically ask - do i do something at home with him but tell him exactly what i want and hear all the moaning about money, do something with older kids only and pay for it myself, or do something by myself only, also which i will pay for myself.

You're in no way hard work for wanting him to make a bit of effort.

She’s not his mother. That’s her teenage kids’ job, not his.

@Blossomtoes

You're in no way hard work for wanting him to make a bit of effort.

She’s not his mother. That’s her teenage kids’ job, not his.

That is a really disingenuous response.

In a healthy relationship you want your spouse to be happy and you should be going all out to make theme feel loved.

So if OP wants to go to a restaurant and a bunch of daffs from the kids her DH should organise it with the older DC.

Why wouldn't you?

Sounds like he is expecting a fuss himself. So he knows how important it is as it is for him too.

I'm not bothered by mothers day but my DC are and so DH will organise flowers and chocolates and probably other madness because it pleases the children and I do feel very grateful that he cares about me to think of me. Although if DH didn't my MIL would be furious, so he might be doing it to keep her sweet too 🤷‍♀️

I've always found the MN stance that your partner shouldn't be responsible for facilitating mother's/father's day rather strange and mean spirited.

Do those with young children genuinely get nothing until the children are old enough to buy their own gifts? Who do your children model their behaviour on if they don't see it happening in the home?

Although if DH didn't my MIL would be furious
Mine too...if there was ever an inkling that DH was treating me disrespectfully then my MIL and my SILs would come down on him like a tonne of bricks!

I think you're being a bit unfair OP.

It seems like the only reason he hasn't planned anything this year - as you've said he has for the past 2 years with your older kids, so it's not like he never does - is because he doesn't know what the situation will be with the new baby, when it will come, how you will feel etc etc. Lots of people would not want to be booked into a lunch out (or whatever) when they've just had a baby.

I imagine if Mother's Day wasn't right on top of the birth he'd have approached it very differently, and I think you'd be mean to hold a grudge for Father's Day, especially as it's his first ever one.

@SpinsForGin

I've always found the MN stance that your partner shouldn't be responsible for facilitating mother's/father's day rather strange and mean spirited.

Do those with young children genuinely get nothing until the children are old enough to buy their own gifts? Who do your children model their behaviour on if they don't see it happening in the home?

No, of course not. But OP has two children who are old enough to sort out mother’s’ day with minimal help. But obviously not on the scale she finds acceptable.

Sorry, but I think you are being a bit OTT. I'd have thought that if you've just given birth, then making a fuss over mothers' day would be the last thing on both your minds!!! Just enjoy being a mother and father to a new baby together!

I think it's nice that he suggested having both the mothers over and he would cook lunch. Assuming he is someone who can cook lunch without making a big messy drama out of it. Certainly easier than trying to go out with a newborn (or, for that matter, planning to leave newborn behind). A cooked lunch may be slightly ambitious though - maybe scale down to tea and nice cakes??

It sounds like you've both had a difficult time of it lately and both need to be kind to each other. Letting mothers day go without too much stress may be one of those days.

I think you need to do some token thing for your mum (unless she tells you not to worry about it) and him for his. Your other kids should also do something for you too, but that's not his problem. For the rest, definitely let it go.

Dh has said he did look at presents but apparently he felt anything he got i wouldn't like

I think this says it all

@Sceptre86

It's clear on here that people set the bar very low for men. I enjoy a bit of fuss on mother's day, I want it to be a change from the norm so I've made it clear. I'm not fussed what presents I get, last year my son picked daisies for me and I got a few bits. I do like to get dressed up, do something fun with the kids and have my meal cooked or dinner out. Dh knows it is important to me so makes plans. I'd just be clear that it is important to you and that you want him to put a bit of thought into it.

You're in no way hard work for wanting him to make a bit of effort.

Cooking a meal for her is literally what the OP's husband IS doing. How is offering to cook a roast for her, her mum and his mum NOT making an effort?

No, of course not. But OP has two children who are old enough to sort out mother’s’ day with minimal help. But obviously not on the scale she finds acceptable.

I was referring more to the fact that some posters will be adamant that men should only sort out Mother's Day presents/cards for their own mum.

It happens every year, women complain that their partners/husbands haven't acknowledged Mother's Day and there will be numerous posts exclaiming that he was right because she isn't his mother ..... it's bizarre!!