DH no plans for mother's day

[Marley641]

Just wanted to get some opinions on best thing to do.

I am currently pregnant (and overdue!!) with our first child together who is due any day. I have 2 kids from previous marriage who are teen/pre-teen.

DH has been joking recently about finally getting a father's day! He gets a step fathers card but my 2 kids have a great relationship with their biological dad so not really warranted to get my DH something too. He also said he knew Mothers Day was 27th this month.

Today i asked him what the plan was for mother's day as was planning the weekend. He has responded he hasn't planned anything and is taking each day at a time.

He has said this to allude to him saying previously how stressed this pregnacy has made him and also slightly depressed apparently!! Due to worrying about money whilst I'm on maternity leave. Also, as I've suffered massively during pregnancy he has had to take over all house hold chores so feels overwhelmed. 🙄

I am sympathetic to a degree, but we are very well off tbf, he is a higher rate tax payer and i work full time with a decent salary too!!

And it has been me being so unwell in pregnancy that i am basically housebound, i have suffered with depression due to this but have soldiered on as knew it wasn't for ever. Every day i am in agonising pain, with little sympathy being given.

To have him keep trying to guilt trip me for being unwell is pissing me off!!! 😡 Yes he does the practical stuff like cleaning and cooking which i greatly appreciate but i am basically disabled currently so hardly like i can do it!

Anyway!! I didn't reply to the message and he has now said, why don't i invite our mums over and he'll cook a roast.

Previous years we have had a lovely takeaway afternoon tea or gone to a hotel for an afternoon tea.

No offence to dh, but our baby will be about 2 weeks old, i don't fancy trying to make conversation with our mums whilst he's in the kitchen cooking an "okay" roast dinner that i will just have like or lump and if i dain to ask for anything too particular have him sigh loudly. ontop of he has no idea how bad sleepless newborn nights are, so will no doubt be especially grumpy, which will mean even more so i can't 'request' what i want food wise!! He won't make much effort to hold a conversation with the parents so again all pressure on me, when I'll just want to be in pjs, maybe with my boobs hanging out if i decide to breastfeed 😄 watching mindless tv.

My exdh would basically do whatever i asked in terms of mother's day, would ensure kids had got me a decent present etc and i got 'my' day - a lie in, breakfast, nice lunch in or out etc.

So now I'm thinking - do i just tell him i don't want the parents round, i want an afternoon takeaway tea? or chat to my 2 DC and see what they suggest we do?
I was thinking maybe i leave him with the baby for a couple of hours and my elder 2 kids and i go to a restaurant together or something? Or should i just book myself something solo to do for a couple of hours like some spa treatments? (my only worry is my post partum bleeding is always so heavy and lasts for weeks and weeks!!)

I'm just so annoyed at him right now! I already have several items favourited on etsy for father's day for him and a plan on how to spoil him. Clearly I am not worth it, despite having such a terrible pregnancy, being overdue, and would have just given birth to his first child by the time mother's day rolls around!! He clearly hasn't even bothered to think of a present and will no doubt say I'm being materialistic asking for one - despite us having money to buy something!!

I will state - he CAN do amazing presents and special treats if he wants to - he has done for birthdays etc in the past, so not a case of he doesn't know how to.

So long post to basically ask - do i do something at home with him but tell him exactly what i want and hear all the moaning about money, do something with older kids only and pay for it myself, or do something by myself only, also which i will pay for myself.

Your own post is totally confusing.

You say you might want to be at home in your PJs with your new born so you don't want your DM and MIL to come round but then say you might want to go out with your kids or to a spa on your own. Not surprised he hasn't planned anything as he probably can't work out what would be best.

Taking on absolutely all household chores when things have previously been split responsibility is knackering while still working full time - have recently had to do this when my DH was going through some health issues. Of course I did it without question but I was a bit overwhelmed and grumpy.

I'm not surprised about being concerned about money. I'm a high rate tax payer and my DH earns a decent wage. But our household finances are sized accordingly so each maternity leave for our two kids was a struggle financially and we had to rely on savings, which is always a bit stressful. I can imagine the astronomical increases in cost of living and energy prices are a significant worry to him currently.

I appreciate you're struggling with your pregnancy, but I really think you're making a big deal over nothing here.

You've told him he can't spend the day with his mother on Mother's Day? Why because it's all about you?
Jesus. You need to grow up a little.

@worriedatthistime the H hasn’t got anything planned this year. He said he hadn’t.

And the teen sounds just into the teens so not so grown up they’d have their own money to take their mum to lunch or anything.

I totally would do for Father’s Day exactly as the H does for Mother’s Day.

And it doesn’t matter is some posters would be happy with anything. It matters to OP and clearly Father’s Day matters to the H therefore both should be putting effort in. It doesn’t take much to much effort to book a restaurant.
Also all the nice restaurants are already booked up where I am for Mother’s Day. I reminded DH to make a booking for his mum he left it (because mothers day is ages away) and found last week everything was booked out for lunch on Mother’s Day.

You sound like hard work OP. Just reading your petulent OP and equally petulent updates gave me a headache 🤦🏻‍♀️

@peboh

You've told him he can't spend the day with his mother on Mother's Day? Why because it's all about you? Jesus. You need to grow up a little.

Because he'll have a newborn baby...

It's bizarre people are insulting OP for wanting him to make an effort then in the same breath saying he should be allowed to spend the whole day with his own mother...

I'd be interested to know what he normally does for his DM.

Yeah I'm sorry OP, your posts do scream me me me. I understand what the pregnancy hormones will be doing but it sounds very much like you're used to always coming first. Try to relax a bit and enjoy your baby and don't make life with your husband a competition.

You've lost all sense of proportion and are being ridiculous.

@frazzledasarock he said he was taking it day by day , OP is suffering in this pregnancy and may have a 2 week baby or may still be pregnant unless having a c section, so maybe he was waiting in that and who plans a card
At 13 mine were capable of buying a card and present and she said her dh had organised this the last few years so why wouldn't he this year ?

Also Op asked for opinions you will get all sorts and you won't like them all

My suggestion to Op would be that she says to dh she doesn't fancy a roast and would rather have an afternoon tea at home with the kids and then he can pop
Out to visit his mum , order enough afternoon tea for her to and he can take some around
Im sure he will get a card etc but i will admit i haven't bought any cards yet either

Maybe OP he does have a surprise for you as well if he has previously been good and you caught him off guard , don't loose all hope

@frazzledasarock i agree on doing fathers day the same as he does mothers day too though

It's bizarre people are insulting OP for wanting him to make an effort then in the same breath saying he should be allowed to spend the whole day with his own mother...

He’s set it up so he can see his mum, OP can see hers and she gets dinner cooked for her. What’s wrong with that? It’s incredibly considerate from where I’m sitting.

[quote frazzledasarock]@worriedatthistime the H hasn’t got anything planned this year. He said he hadn’t.

And the teen sounds just into the teens so not so grown up they’d have their own money to take their mum to lunch or anything.

I totally would do for Father’s Day exactly as the H does for Mother’s Day.

And it doesn’t matter is some posters would be happy with anything. It matters to OP and clearly Father’s Day matters to the H therefore both should be putting effort in. It doesn’t take much to much effort to book a restaurant.
Also all the nice restaurants are already booked up where I am for Mother’s Day. I reminded DH to make a booking for his mum he left it (because mothers day is ages away) and found last week everything was booked out for lunch on Mother’s Day.[/quote]
So he's done well every other Mother's Day, this is his first ever Father's Day and he should be treated badly because he's apparently dropped the ball this one time?

If he plans a mother's day to suit himself, you plan a fathers day to suit you. He will get the hint for next year

@Tamworth123

And the bring mothers round for roast not terribly compatible with caring for a newborn .... and the poster who said she's sure his mother can help.out; yeah on mother's day, she should be helping cook by roast for 6 plus people.

I do feel a bit sad that it seems the norm for a lot of you to cook your own dinners etc and be grateful for it

I was the poster referred to in the quote.

I hate being out in a hotel or pub on MD, having overly excited unsupervised kids run around, staff stressed and under pressure.

I very much prefer to be at home cooking for any one of the kids who calls round at teatime and for us to sit around the family table laughing and joking and opening my gifts. That is my preference and my family know that.

We eat out a great deal over the year, but rarely on 'commercial days' when, from experience, the level of service and standards inevitably slip.

My DIL is pregnant with her first child and I would happily do a roast dinner at theirs if that was what fitted with their plans. I enjoy cooking and planning dinner parties and so to me it really is no big deal.

I am certainly not downtrodden, unappreciated or surrounded by ingrates!!

I've always felt abit let down on Mother's Day, but I think it's because I've always over thought it. It should be a day to share with your mum/mother figure and/or children and do something special. It doesn't need to be a big massive day, just do something nice which you will all enjoy.

I get the feeling of being disappointed/frustrated and I don't think you're wrong to feel like this. But if he's not planning what you want to do, just tell him and tell him why you want to do.

Also just consider your older children and making it special for them because they are going to be adjusting to sharing their mum with a new baby so could be a really good chance to focus on making them feel special!

Just don't over think it OP. I've regretfully spoilt many occasions for myself by trying to keep up with the Jones's.

@Ginger1982, well if the H is being incredibly thoughtful and lovely for cooking a roast and inviting his mother, whilst OP is expected to entertain guests and eat a meal she is not fussed about.

Why is it not incredibly thoughtful if Op does the same for fathers day?

OK, I get that you are at the end of pregnancy so are probably feeling shit, but Mother's day is still a few weeks away and is probably not on many people's minds yet. You don't know if he would have planned anything as he hasn't been given the chance yet! Also, by the sounds of it you have both been dealing with a lot, so not being organised early is totally understandable. Father's day isn't until June so I would have taken his remark as a sign of his excitement about the new baby rather than an instruction in advance. I would let him get on with it and I wish you all the best with the birth and new baby.

I don't even know when mothers day is.

[quote frazzledasarock]@Ginger1982, well if the H is being incredibly thoughtful and lovely for cooking a roast and inviting his mother, whilst OP is expected to entertain guests and eat a meal she is not fussed about.

Why is it not incredibly thoughtful if Op does the same for fathers day?[/quote]
I never said he was being incredibly thoughtful for planning a roast. The OP suggested that in the past, he has been good on Mother's Day, of which the OP has had many. Him not performing as she would like this one year doesn't mean she should be cruel on his very first Father's Day ever, IMHO.

[quote frazzledasarock]@Ginger1982, well if the H is being incredibly thoughtful and lovely for cooking a roast and inviting his mother, whilst OP is expected to entertain guests and eat a meal she is not fussed about.

Why is it not incredibly thoughtful if Op does the same for fathers day?[/quote]
That's an impressive way to make someone cooking a meal for you sound like an intolerable imposition.

Spiteful game-playing to get back at your partner (for... cooking you a meal) is not the sign of a healthy relationship either.

If having a roast cooked for her is really so awful the OP should tell her husband, because most reasonable people would think it's quite a nice gesture, and then she should actually say what she wants, and in clearer words than she's used on this thread because I can't bloody tell from her own posts.

@Marley641

It's not so much about a perfect day, it's about knowing he is capable of showing thoughtfulness but is choosing not to.

Every other day it's a case of getting on with it, so having one day where you get to be appreciated for what you do for the family is really nice.

But i will definitely make a decision with the older kids and am leaning towards spending some time just us.

Btw i do find it sad you have to book your own meal - hope you let your dh book his own meal on father's day 😊

Not sure if it helps, but neither my husband nor I bother with Valentines, Mothers Day or Father's Day - and we laugh if one of us happens to say "happy ......" as the other will have no clue :). We have been married for 45 years this year so obviously its never been a major concern for us. If you have children, then it is up to them (if old enough) to do something nice for you (breakfast in bed?) or wait until they are old enough, but as for spouses - I'm not his mother and he is not my father - but we did look after our own parents when they were still with us - and that, for me, is what its all about. And the day goes ahead without any pressure, any obligation or expense (I'd rather go out for a meal at any other times EXCEPT these days as they are so full and so very expensive)- which we very often do. We also tell each other that we love each other every (well mostly) day and show our love and appreciation for each other in many ways throughout the year - we don't feel the need for a "special day" - but that's just my personal opinion

@worriedatthistime At no point in my comment did I talk about spending money. I said fuss, effort and appreciation. A Dad sitting down with a 3 years old for them to make a hand made card ticks all 3 of those boxes, cooking a favourite meal, watching a favourite film etc etc. I also never said it was a one day a year thing. My Mum is a amazing women who does a lot for the people in her life and we make sure she knows that it is appreciated all year round including making a special effort around certain occasions including Mothering Sunday. And I do not appreciate your insinuation that I do otherwise in your rush to pass judgement.

Perhaps I should have been clearer that a cheap bunch of flowers lovingly picked by 3 year year old is very different to adult grabbing a cheap bunch of flowers as they are the easy option and require little thought. (I say that as someone who spent 30 minutes looking at identical bunches of daffodils with my 4 years old niece so she could pick the ones Mummy would like best - lots of effort very little money)

Yes we also make a fuss of my Dad just the same as my Mum. He is a wonderful (if slightly grumpy) man who also deserves the fuss, effort and appreciation.

@Ginger1982 I am not looking for a future husband. I am very happy with the one I have now. He is awesome and more than meets the high standards I set based on my lovely Dad. I have no doubt that if we are lucky enough to get the baby we both very much long for that he will continue perform.

It's clear on here that people set the bar very low for men. I enjoy a bit of fuss on mother's day, I want it to be a change from the norm so I've made it clear. I'm not fussed what presents I get, last year my son picked daisies for me and I got a few bits. I do like to get dressed up, do something fun with the kids and have my meal cooked or dinner out. Dh knows it is important to me so makes plans. I'd just be clear that it is important to you and that you want him to put a bit of thought into it.

You're in no way hard work for wanting him to make a bit of effort.