Dating Thread 226: Springing into Spring

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I’m a bit 90% thinking about Balkan Baltic rather than my preferred 30%
My kids are away for Easter so will see how we get on when he comes to mine

How do you tell kids you are seeing someone?
They know I am as babysitter is being used and they guessed
But it’s very early days
So I might be near his work and I could pop by
But then I’ll have kids in tow
I don’t know the etiquette

Checking in… nice to see loads of folk on the thread! 💗 @Eesha @Dancerinthemoonlight hugs to you both sounds like youre both in the middle of crappy bits right now 😔 x

As for me… I’m still obsessed with Mr Turk and it’s getting worse 😂 He’s started frequenting my coffee place now most days at the same time as me so maybe one of these days a convo will spark. Or maybe it won’t! 😄 gives me a buzz every day seeing him though.
6 months off the apps and I will NEVER ever go back on there!!

He’s going to start chatting to you over the sugar and stirrers soon
I can feel it !

@Stepcount thank you. We had a good long chat yesterday about it and hopefully see each other this week if he doesn't get it. Actually I'm glad I opened up about my frustrations the day before because I think it needed to be said. I feel a lot better now because he's talked to me rather than being distant.

There’s been a few incidents this week and unless there is just a complete unworldly weird mass of total coincidences, I am feeling like he is putting himself in front of me, then there is 100% eye contact and stuff like that. I am really worried I’m imagining it though 😂 I’m guessing in this day and age men are a bit worried about approaching/hassling women and because I think he’s hot I act the opposite of how I feel, ie awkward and stand offish so I’m not too easy to chat to 😁
I am SURE there is something there though. Will keep ya’ll posted.. wish me luck 🙂

I feel for you @Eesha as it all sounds heavy and no fun now. Do you have a great time when you’re together? Hopefully you're going to get that spark back as you font deserve this!!

A big part of me is v v worried.. like what if he’s a nutter, is he a criminal, etc.. how do we put these worries to rest 😞 it’s such a bloody gamble and I’m scared of getting involved with any more nutters. Anyone have any advice? I’d get an Alsatian, but my cat wouldn’t be impressed. Would love one though!! 🐶

I haven’t seen any evidence of nutter behaviours. He isn’t skint, as he’s buying coffee everyday and cigarettes which in my eyes aren’t cheap to buy every day. He seems mellow, seen him with his dad which is good, seems to have lots of friends, seems a steady kind of person, not hyper energy (like me.. lol) But you just don’t know do you. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Worried!

@ButterflyOfShay

There’s been a few incidents this week and unless there is just a complete unworldly weird mass of total coincidences, I am feeling like he is putting himself in front of me, then there is 100% eye contact and stuff like that. I am really worried I’m imagining it though 😂 I’m guessing in this day and age men are a bit worried about approaching/hassling women and because I think he’s hot I act the opposite of how I feel, ie awkward and stand offish so I’m not too easy to chat to 😁 I am SURE there is something there though. Will keep ya’ll posted.. wish me luck 🙂

I’m guessing in this day and age men are a bit worried about approaching/hassling women

Yep 💯 this, currently you are both strangers, maybe you break the ice with quick hello

@ButterflyOfShay This love story is so lovely, you've definitely got to say hello first because a lot of men won't approach a woman.

Thanks to everyone for more thoughts on the situation andyour support.

Firstly I should point out that Tuesdays used to be a night to meet but we haven't been able to for months as his son has football training and son's mum doesn't have a car currently, but last night his son's mum offered to take him and get a lift with her friend. So Mr K was quick to message asking to meet up, I know he doesn't have much spare time so I was really pleased he wanted to see me.

The chat went really well, it was interesting to hear his view of that Sunday evening which is so at odds with my view. The gist of it is that Mr K didn't know about the incidences that happened all week that led to the ex boyfriend coming to the house because he was away fishing and we didn't see each other. When I called and told him what was happening he thought it was just a lover's tiff and I'd sort it out because I'm not backwards in coming forward and he thought I'd go out there and confront him.

He had no idea how triggered I was and how fearful I was and he said he would have come to my house if I had asked.

So lessons learnt are that I need to stop giving the impression I'm so independent and can fight for myself and I need to tell him what I want if I need him as he can't mind read.

He also raised an issue that had been bothering him but he didn't feel able to raise as he didn't want to spoil our time together🤦‍♀️
Honestly we're a pair together.🙄
I mentioned the same to him about raising issues because I don't want to spoil our evening or because he has his son. Apparently I'm to raise issues whenever I like which I don't feel right doing when he has his son as it would be a distraction. So we've agreed Sunday mornings is prime time to raise issues, we both get up early, his son gets up late so we're able to message without distraction. I'm hoping this will work for me - not that I have many issues to raise.

@Thisisworsethananticpated

SortingItOut

Men will never understand abusive relationships and the male role in this
I don’t sometimes think they even want to
I’ve given up trying to explain , but manage red flags and boundaries very carefully

I have to disagree with this as a general point. A particular man may not understand your particular abusive relationship and one other man’s particular role in it, unless you explain it (including triggers), but men in general can well understand the nature and occurrence of abusive relationships. Although they are more often the perpetrators of abuse in a domestic setting ie of a partner, they can also be on the receiving end. And they also suffer abuse in other relationships: from parents, siblings, bosses, their so-called ‘mates’. Finally, they can actively make it their business to understand, by reading and just by paying attention to what goes on around them. Just like women do.

@SortingItOut your chat with Mr K sounds really constructive, I’m so glad. Join me on the gradually thawing bench, and allow yourself to accept that having a man in your life who knows about your frailties does not undermine your independence, but really secures it. Hopefully your Sunday morning text conversations won’t turn into a regular litany of complaint 😂 but it’s really good to have that discussion window set up.

@SortingItOut, that sounds like a really excellent conversation with Mr K.
I also agree with what @Badbaddog has written so eloquently. There are difficult, abusive and manipulative people in the world. I’m never comfortable with saying all men are …. ( fill in blank) nor do I like being lumped in with any negative statement about women either.

@Eesha, I’ve got everything crossed that Covid doesn’t halt the reunion with Mr M. Really pleased to read that the conversations are continuing and things are feeling better overall. 🤗

Hi all,

I'm talking to someone on Hinge at the moment. He seems nice, so could be a potential. We've only been chatting for a few days though, so it's a bit early to tell. 🤞🏻❤️

Think I would prefer a man to approach me and talk rather than online lol!

@Cece92

Think I would prefer a man to approach me and talk rather than online lol!

@Cece92 that would be much easier 🙂

[quote SortingItOut]@ButterflyOfShay This love story is so lovely, you've definitely got to say hello first because a lot of men won't approach a woman.[/quote]
Thanks sweetness! I feel like he is a careful person so it may be that I need to up the ante whilst encouraging him, as I want him to show me!
@SortingItOut yours is just another example if how good communication is beyond important isn’t it… glad he passed the test last night! He really does care about you.

@ButterflyOfShay I don't think you have anything to lose by saying hi. I find just that means people are more confident later on as you've opened up the chat already. Good luck Miss!

Good luck @ButterflyOfShay ❤️ you can do this!

@Cece92

Think I would prefer a man to approach me and talk rather than online lol!

Putting on my ‘man hat’ I would say I’m much more reticent about approaching women these days, especially if it’s essentially a stranger with whom there has been no previous interactions. I don’t want to be seen as some kind of creepy or entitled man who thinks it okay to approach random women

@ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers

Hi all,

I'm talking to someone on Hinge at the moment. He seems nice, so could be a potential. We've only been chatting for a few days though, so it's a bit early to tell. 🤞🏻❤️

It’s best to meet sooner rather than later for a quick date zero, so as not to develop a false sense of intimacy. I would be pushing for this I think.

In the situation with Butterfly & Mr Turk, if I was MrTurk, if had seen the the same woman on regular coffee run and smiles had been exchanged I might have proffered a quick hi or some such pleasantry but that’s about it really

@Badbaddog I understand that. 👍🏻 I'm just going to see how it goes for now as I know it could fizzle out at this stage 🙂

@ButterflyOfShay You should definitely say hi and give him the green light to talk/flirt with you.

Matthew Hussey has some interesting thoughts around “dropping the hanky” to let a guy know it’s safe to approach.

How lovely though to hopefully meet a man in real life rather than through a screen!

Keep us posted 🤞