Dating Thread 226: Springing into Spring

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow I agree with @Thisisworsethananticpated in that it sounds circumstantial but also yes, that you are entitled to want more than that and it may be that you both a) want different things or b) have such different schedules that for the foreseeable it's going to leave you feeling short-changed.

I'd be happy with once a week or fortnight if there was plenty of communication around that and I felt that was moving in a good direction.

@gelatodipistacchio hope you're feeling okay, you sounded despondent in your last message or two. Try to remember the positive feelings you have had recently and know that they ARE a good thing - they are signals that it's possible to feel good after having had a shit marriage or whatever. We're all learning as we go and in my experience at least, there is progress even if it's not as fast as I'd like.

had I been looking , some fine specimens

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow I'm in a very similar situation to you in that it's me with quite a bit of spare time waiting around for Mr K.

It can feel like breadcrumbs but as someone said its circumstantial for Ms H (and Mr K).
I know it feels you have to fit around her schedule but I think she made it clear from the start regarding her availability.
I think its harder to date with older children because if younger children see their father they generally have a set schedule but older children can do what suits them and that can involve last minute changes.

Do you have hobbies and a life outside of work and Ms H?

@VivaVegas My Mr K is the same, he currently has 2 nights where he doesn't have his son and in those 2 nights has to fit in our relationship, his friends, hobbies and some down time.
Sometimes of his 2 nights I'm busy so that gets us down to 1 night per week,very occasionally its 1 night every 2 weeks.

I think setting out your availability early on is key, if a man expects to see you everytime you don't have your children then you're not right for each other.

Ibelieve that is so true about when to believe words and when to believe actions. I've been at the receiving end of the "I don't want a girlfriend" line from someone who then acted completely the opposite, so I thought he surely couldn't have meant that but he absolutely did. And I've seen friends go through similar. But there will be situations where actions should be believed rather than words and we have to be so aware of everything when we first meet someone and listen to our guts because they are usually right.

Howlong it must be very frustrating feeling like you are the one doing all the maneuvering to fit in with her life and not seeing much of her even then. For me, the important thing would be the communication around it. Does she make you feel that she really wants to see you and is always trying to find ways for you to get together and expressing a level of frustration about the situation also? Thereby making you feel missed and wanted? Or is it more a case of - I can see you then and then, take it or leave it. Thereby making you feel taken for granted?

@Thisisworsethananticpated
Yes I do realise, what she’s doing is reasonable for her, but is it enough for me ?

@SortingItOut
Yes - that’s how I feel, I have hobbies outside work & Ms H, I could be hobbies almost all my free time at the moment

@WeWantTheFinestWines
Yes that’s it exactly, I’m doing the manoeuvring based on the free time she has from week to week, it does feel a little bit take it leave it TBH.
Easter being a prime example of me changing my plans to fit her around her free time

See how it all pans out, but do keep your self worth in mind and only carry on at a level you're comfortable with.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow, I think in your situation I would absolutely be seeing how things pan out. I think it's still relatively early days although an open chat about availability is acceptable. IF Ms H has already said that right at the moment this is what she can offer then there's very little you can do. I think as someone said in an earlier post, for me it would be about if there is any sense that she's also feeling a little thwarted or showing signs that she's working on ways to see a little more of each other.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow Yes I do realise, what she’s doing is reasonable for her, but is it enough for me

Only you can decide this.
I go through phases of wondering if what Mr K is offering is enough for me, sometimes it is and I feel sorry he has less spare time than me and other times I think it isn't enough and I think about splitting.
Obviously I've not split with him because right nor the pros list is longer than the cons list.

It helps that I have quite a busy life too and also sometimes we cant meet due to me and sometimes due to him.

I know Ms H works evenings, anyone who works evenings is going to have a hard time dating someone who works 9 - 5 and then on top of that she has her daughter to consider (plus her horses).
I think its great she is offering you her spare time as she seems such a busy person.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow
Hey I don’t disagree
Something needs to make you smile
If the way it is , doesn’t …
Then you have to do what’s right

I still think a chat and maybe some patience is worth it however

It’s very early days right ? You only started dating in q1

And September is not that far away…

So I joined Hinge last week. I'm doing it very half heartedly if I'm honest as I've had nothing but rubbish from dating sites. Can anyone explain how it actually works? I seem to be getting very few likes (not that I am being full of myself expecting loads). If i reject someone, can they still see me? If someone has their own age range set to ages younger than me, would I still see their profile? I do tend to find men in their 40s are always looking for younger women!

@anotherdisaster I’m having some luck with Hinge, much better than Bumble or Match for me. Got 2 good irons on go from there. I just made some devastatingly witty comment on a bit of their profile. I think you can only see those for who you are in date range for , depending on their settings. Think you just got to be proactive sort through the erm pants ones. I think they know if you just don’t respond to them rather than see you have rejected.

@Thisisworsethananticpated breathing!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs thanks for asking - yes, I was definitely allowing myself to fixate and get discouraged.

After all that, MrS ended up sending some texts that made it clear, without making a big point of it, that he was super busy (which I KNEW through my freak out). Still, his messages were really lovely and sweet.

In particular, there was an exchange that he could have made dirty or pervy if he was that type, but he totally avoided anything gross.

I'm still going to pull back a bit for my own sanity. He's on hols next week anyway, and I will be looking after my daughter full time, so it should be easy enough.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow I would personally see how things go if you like her enough. She sounds like shes giving you the time she can.

@anotherdisaster I agree, Hinge was also a funny one for me as I would hardly ever get any likes at all whereas lots on the others. I don't think they see if you have rejected them. You can send a rose if you really like them.

Sounds like a great first date @ibelieveinmirrorballs, you definitely have your head screwed on here. @gelatodipistacchio it's hard when you can't see the person but see how the communication goes and occasionally check in from time to time. It's hard to sustain but you can if you both really want to.

I hope everyone is managing to do nice things this weekend, im seeing family and sleeping in. I've managed a couple of weeks now after my recent breakup, sad but thanks all especially @SortingItOut and @belladimama for checking in. I haven't the heart to date anymore in all honesty but am seeing quite a few friends in the next few weeks, have a spa trip sorted and my new focus is getting trimmer. I'm actually debating meal supplement shakes so I can make a decent dent in things. Anyone else ever tried?

@Eesha good to hear from you.. I'm not surprised you have no appetite for dating at the moment, it's such early days so I don't think you should think that how you feel now will be how you feel in a few weeks or months' time. The healing is hard when you start to dare to believe you've met someone who's going to last the distance and then it doesn't work out.

I've never done meal supplement shakes but have lost a large chunk of weight a couple of years ago (5 stone ) doing keto, which I mostly stick to now during the week as it's just become habit. I've recently started with a personal trainer and am hopeful that will make a difference - had to give up my half marathon training after a very irritating toe injury although did get up to running for an hour which for me was amazing!

Thanks for your comment re the date - I do NOT feel like I've got my head screwed on at all - I'm already back to the post-date stressing out stage and yesterday deleted his number and the chat. I think it's worse for me when they are clearly really excited to meet up because I then analyse every little change after meeting as somehow being a sign that they're less excited than they were before meeting. Luckily (for my anxiety) I have an old friend arriving for the weekend, and then next week off work with my children. The plan with Ginge is to meet up when we're both next in town which is due to be April 20th. I almost wish we hadn't made all these plans in advance because now it feels like maybe we're just sticking to it because we're both nice people. 20th was always really the first time we could realistically meet at all, then he chose to nip back from the countryside to make it sooner... so 20th is still 'in the diary' but - what if contact tapers off between now and then, etc etc..? This is all a good lesson for me (said through gritted teeth) because ultimately it's all been perfectly nice, he is perfectly nice, and if we don't meet again then... well, that's OLD. I want to get better at enjoying nice experiences for what they are without attaching so much significance to someone I've just met and hardly know.

[quote gelatodipistacchio]@Thisisworsethananticpated breathing!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs thanks for asking - yes, I was definitely allowing myself to fixate and get discouraged.

After all that, MrS ended up sending some texts that made it clear, without making a big point of it, that he was super busy (which I KNEW through my freak out). Still, his messages were really lovely and sweet.

In particular, there was an exchange that he could have made dirty or pervy if he was that type, but he totally avoided anything gross.

I'm still going to pull back a bit for my own sanity. He's on hols next week anyway, and I will be looking after my daughter full time, so it should be easy enough.[/quote]
This is good to hear gelato! Are you still going to try the casual 'oh look, just don't have time to type right now so thought I'd send a voicenote!' tactic?

We can hand-hold for next week as I'm with my DC too and off work, and Ginge is on hols too. Gently pulling back is the order of the day for me, most definitely - not for any game-playing purposes but as a reminder that this person really has no bearing on my life, they really don't. I want to have a great week next week and not be pacing around waiting for messages.

ibelieveinmirrorballs

Why did you delete the number and chat ! I do that too .
What are we all like hey , jaysus
I’m the same a bit
gelatodipistacchio , keep breathing too !! It’s mind over matter

Same for you both your irons sound decent
The issue is managing our heads isn’t it

Balkan stayed last night . He said this is the first time he’s stayed over at a woman’s house since he split with his ex !

Hi all, I've been following this from afar, but could do with some opinions and advice please!
I've been single for approx 10 months after a 10 year relationship. I've dipped my toe in to OLD, have been talking to one guy for approx 2 months. We went on our first date after 10 days, which went really well, had a kiss, and both agreed we wanted to see each other again. But since then this second date hasn't materialised - he shares childcare with his ex and his work means he does crazy hours each day and doesn't work set hours. Although I'm sure he could find time if he wanted to.

These last few weeks contact has reduced massively from his side - I've called him out on it twice (once asking if he just wanted to be penfriends, I just got a roll-eye emoji response, and then asking him if he was still interested, he said he was). But we're at the stage now of a good morning message when he wakes up for work (4am), I reply when I wake up, and then I'm lucky if I get a message when he finishes work (9pm) and he's in bed. Some days I get nothing.

As disappointed and gutted as I am, as I really liked him, I need more effort than this (AIBU so early on?) and so for my sanity I need to call it off as I feel I'm wasting my time and my interest in him is stopping me getting back on the apps. Do I just let it peter out and stop replying (not that we talk much anymore anyway!) or do I send him a message telling him I'm done? I don't want to come across as too intense when we've only actually met once, but the early messages were very much how much he liked me and could see this going somewhere etc and for the first 5-6 weeks we spoke every day, throughout the day without fail.
Ideally I'd like to send him the message and him think "Shit, I've got to make more of an effort", and send me a grovelling apology, but I appreciate that's very unlikely to happen otherwise we wouldn't be in this situation.
Sorry for the essay, I get the impression my RL friends are bored of me asking for their advice! Xx

Eesha
I did try huel but they are totally grim
Sadly the only diet that really works for me is exercise , healthy , no food , minimal alcohol

You will perk up ⬆️

@ibelieveinmirrorballs 5 stone is bloody amazing. I've lost about 4kg in the last two weeks pretty much because I've been busy and lost a lot of interest in eating. I have about 6kg to go at least to get back to my pre dating weight when I actually felt half decent! I'll look into keto. Is it very hard?

anotherdisaster

Hinge is my favourite app
It’s very simple
You set your range
People set theirs
If they like you you can either like back or not
If you like them they can either accept or not

It’s quieter than tinder (way quieter )
But busier at weekend and in my opinion better quality
You can also show your personality via the prompts