Dating Thread 226: Springing into Spring

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Hi @ibelieveinmirrorballs, we had a few days no contact then he reached out to me to check I was OK. I guess after 8 years working on himself, I figured he was in a good place but truly the kind of trauma he's had, I don't think one ever fully recovers. He was decent about it, that he was hurting as well but he recognises he can't handle much more. In his words, he's 'surviving'.

I've been reading the Mr Unavailable book because I'm meeting decent men but with a lot of issues. I'm definitely open to someone with less issues but not sure why I never meet these types. Perhaps many who are on the apps at this age (40s) have a lot of issues! I'm in a great place personally but even Mr M said I attract waifs and strays and need someone with far less problems.

I've also noticed I do gravitate towards men who have signs of aspergers, autism, adhd, in fact 4 previous partners were such. All emotionally unavailable in their own way though very intelligent and kind souls. Not sure why...

@Thisisworsethananticpated

HowlongWillThisTakeNow

I’m glad you said that as I didn’t want to be sexist

I had years to ready myself for the split , and I had covid year 1 to complete (and get fat …)

But yes my current iron is staggeringly incomplete and it baffles me , that said I’m a woman and have had friends to discuss at length with , therapy , anxiety med, more therapy , group therapy etc !!!!

I don’t think is sexist, it’s just plain true. In the 2019 divorce rate numbers it says that 62% were petitioned by the wife, (down by 10% from ‘92), which I think is interesting, maybe younger men are more likely to initiate the divorce now ?

Also noticed in same sex divorces, it’s 72% female, - no comment 🤷🏼‍♂️

And this month we now have no fault divorce coming into law, and my gut feeling is that lots of ppl (of both genders), are going to pull the trigger this year and get divorced and there will be lots more unhappy men (and women), who are suddenly on the receiving end of a divorce

I've been reading the Mr Unavailable book

I remember Mr Bump, Mr Tickle, Mr Happy, but not Mr Unavailable, is he a new one ?

Eesha

You and me both !! My son is asd and I have many traits . I therefore go for people I can be myself with , and feel comfortable in my skin with

So someone totally 💯 NT with no acceptance of quirks and anxiety won’t work for me
Period

I need someone who when I say ‘can’t do that it makes me anxious’ won’t judge me

Many in this thread have said the same thing

I used to think it was a major issue but now I don’t care so much

Basically I need someone a little bit fucked up
But the same or close as me

@Thisisworsethananticpated The weird thing is I'm as neurotypical as they come but my previous partners have either had aspergers, adhd plus depression etc. I was trying to think of what I liked about them and all are very direct, reasonably empathetic, not the traditional alpha male type. Almost quirky and different I would say.

@Eesha my therapist is gently pushing the new tactic that I should take things very much slower despite getting all excited and “oh but the connection we have!” each time. I find it very very hard to keep things slow and steady.

The thinking behind this is that an attachment that grows slowly obviously allows time for you to assess how the other person manages life in general before deciding they’re right for you. I know things were very intense very quickly with Mr M - do you think that is something you might change if and when you dip your toe back in? I have to be honest about my own tendency to want the flood of attention and affection and suddenly my life becomes too quickly too much about this new external thing that’s making me feel good. Daily three hour phone calls can feel like the right thing at the time - but are they?

May I join please? Widowed 3+ years ago followed by a very serious and wonderful (but fatally flawed) relationship. Now single again and have joined OLD. Really struggling to find anyone interesting on them though. Been on two uninteresting dates and rejected the entirety of the rest so far.
In the meantime I’ve been set up with a friend of a friend. He lives fairly far away and made clear from the start he doesnt want to get involved because of the distance and lack of options for progressing things. But, then I proposed a casual no strings FWB type arrangement and (stereotypically) he was very keen on that. So that is where we are but our time together was wonderful and I can’t help but hope he does want to try a relationship. I will call him Mr Shoulders (they are lovely!).
My plan is to keep on OLD looking for a decent local iron but keep Mr Shoulders for as long as it works for us both for the odd fun night away. High risk however that I get too keen on Mr Shoulders and end up hurt when he keeps to his word that he doesn’t want anything serious with me and overlooking OLD options. Girls, pls help keep me to the plan!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs you're very right, with Mr M we talked for ages just generally and it was lovely. I likened it to chatting before bed but living apart. But really I never saw how he dealt with life/big situations at the time. He's very much someone who does things alone as he's been alone for so long. So actually I was just an observer looking into his life towards the end. I wonder if I could have changed things really but perhaps I should have walked when I heard about his traumatic background etc. I rarely ever find anyone I connect with super well so I guess when I do, then it all happens fast. I might just rethink that and keep my distance.

. This is how I seem to feel

Eesha
Oh eesha
I used to worry about why I went for such men
Even my builder (❤️) said I need a man to look after me
And yet I’m drawn to men I can look after
I certainly am not getting married or long term attached until I figure this one out
And maybe when I’m 70 it won’t matter ! They’ll all be dead !
But for now , it’s ok

Putting aside all this I’m ever so sorry you are feeling blue , and it will pass

@Thisisworsethananticpated thank you, I'm actually doing OK but I felt that Fleabag moment represented me and my last two partners! The previous one was one where we didn't say the L word though. Its just you opening your heart and them just saying it will pass. Sigh

Oof yes, I remember when I first saw that scene it was like a punch in the guts - that pause then ‘it’ll pass’. ☹️ But you are strong @Eesha, and it WILL pass.

Looking ahead, yes yes yes to taking it very slow. I didn’t accept I was even in a relationship with Mr B for a year, let alone anything else (had sex on the second date though 😂 ), I saw him once or twice a week until then and we never talked on the phone between times. We just slowly got to know each other properly.

I don’t know about the problem of wanting a man who needs fixing/looking after or who is emotionally unavailable. I suppose since my XH I’ve worked on the principle that only pets and children need looking after. And a man who is emotionally unavailable is good for a bit of fun but nothing more. But then I am a hard-hearted Hannah, so my XH tells me - which is untrue, I spent 30 years trying to fill in the gaps caused by his ‘issues’, to no avail or appreciation. Never again.

@Eesha, when you have been in a relationship that’s working well what does that look like from the outside? Like if you had to describe the dynamics of it and what kind of person were they ? Different to Mr Music and Mr Yoga? I’m not sure that it’s you doing anything wrong although you seem to have identified that there are common traits in some of the men you’ve recently been drawn to. And you don’t seem to be someone who is whizzing out on lots of dates but pretty selective in your approach.

@Stepcount not wishing to hog the thread here! Truthfully I met someone in mid 2000 and dated him for 7 months, then I met Mr M in November and that was just 4 months. In between there were a couple of people I saw for about 3 dates each. A normal relationship to me is regulat contact (daily chats, texts), plans for the weekends, smiling when you hear from them, not worrying about whether they like you, friends knowing about you, regular physical affection plus lots of flirting etc.

@Eesha we talked for ages just generally and it was lovely. I likened it to chatting before bed but living apart
This stood out for me, the long chats every evening are similar to a chat before bed if you lived together but I think so early on in a relationship its not healthy to spend so much time talking although I appreciate the connection catches you so you embrace it whole heartedly.

@Thisisworsethananticpated Have you read Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl? It will help you understand why you go for men who need fixing.
I brought it thinking I would understand Mr K better (as he always said he was guarded) but soon realised I'm the problem😱
It was so enlightening and with the help of counselling I hope I'll avoid being a fixer/florence (nightingale) ever again.
Its honestly a revelation to be with someone who doesn't need fixing although feels very weird to start with.

SortingItOut
No I have not
I have a close friend who’s on a similar bent she’s worse actually ) so I’ll read some reviews

@Stepcount @HowlongWillThisTakeNow @Thisisworsethananticpated
Thank you so much!
This is the most lovely supportive group!
Was stressing ridiculously and your posts r e the profile pic etc were so reassuring,
He is what my friend calls a ‘Morse Code’ messager -as if sending as Resistance from a suitcase in a field in France in 1943…
I need to calm down.
When I see him next am going to gently explain what I would like re messaging.

Should've been at a Speed Dating event last night. Cancelled due to low numbers. Meanwhile the apps produce the odd conversation which seldom continues the next morning, no matter how chatty it had been the day before. I'm having about as much luck with tradesmen, I've only been waiting since last October for the electrician to come back and do the second fix and he's pushed things back for the umpteenth time.

Bah!

@JangolinaPitt
Only ask what you would LIKE, please do not dictate what you WANT re messaging, don’t forget that he is also a person, who will have his own wants and likes

With regards to pictures I need some assistance,
As im not seeing ms H for a while, asked her to send me a picture that would keep we warm, obviously angling for something here, and she sent me a picture of a blanket! , so I need something to send back to annoy her.

What do you mean, ‘keep me warm’?

@Badbaddog
We were having a slightly flirty, exchange of messages, and I’ve hurt my back a bit, so was hoping for some kind of slightly risqué picture, and she a picture of a blanket, will have to just take some ibuprofen and go to bed early instead

Thank you - yes

@Badbaddog

What do you mean, ‘keep me warm’?

Yes I'm not sure how I would respond to that, not sure what 'keep me warm' would mean!

I wouldn't like to be asked to send something like that, to be honest... and would also probably have sent a jokey reply back.