Dating Thread 226: Springing into Spring

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@gelatodipistacchio

Sorry to hog the thread, but I also haven't had sex in at least 3 years and I do have my horn back, awakened by my night with him. It's excruciating! I need relief!

I do remember this phase… I didn’t have sex for years after separating from my H and had zero interest… libido very much back with a vengeance now however (thank you HRT!)

Date last night with Mr Ginger went pretty well. Instantly relaxed and quite sweet, he met me in a pub around the corner from a formal work event I had in central London. So I clattered in all glammed up after sneaking out and he’d got this big secluded comfy enclosed booth type thing all to ourselves. Felt quite romantic… didn’t stop talking for ages then changed heels for trainers and walked for ages through town chatting and back to hotel etcetc… 🤪 All good.. we were going to meet again tonight as he’s then out of town for a couple of weeks but I’ve cancelled and suggested a call instead - am so tired! Already on the train home 😴

It’s a weird one as we are absolute opposites but he’s very lovely and I find him strangely fascinating.

ibelieveinmirrorballs
Ahhh ! Sounds like a lovely first date

And a shag too !!!

yes - it felt quite naughty. However weirdly because he's younger I've managing to avoid the 'needless placing on pedestal' tendency thus far and feel quite relaxed and unanxious (THUS FAR .......)

@WeWantTheFinestWines I've been pondering your advice about listening to what they say and not what they do. It is SO TRUE but I realise, this has confused me in the past because sometimes what they say is the positive stuff and what they do is the negative stuff and then what? After thinking about it I have broken it down into:

• they say THEY DON'T WANT a relationship but behave as though they do.... >>> listen to the words and not the actions... here they are acting as though they do because it's nice to have the 'girlfriend experience' but they're placing their boundary around it with their words.... vs
• they love bomb with promises and declarations but behave inconsistently, causing confusion and anxiety..... >>> here, listen to their actions and NOT their words because if someone genuinely felt that way they would not behave like this. Also, too much too soon is a red flag.

All such a minefield....

Definitely sounds like a great first date @ibelieveinmirrorballs !
Well I’m in London for work overnight, just opened bumble to have a little look- OMG those who live in the city have a very different dating experience to us country bumpkins… 50+ likes every time I reload, lucky if I get 1 or 2 a day at home! A lot of them seem very hookup-y /poly though, obv fine whatever but not my thing..

@Moopyhereagain
Yeah I can understand that, I’m in a semi rural location and there is just no one worth dating, I looked at one of the apps a few weeks ago, same old faces still, never doing that again even if this thing with Ms H fails

ibelieveinmirrorballs

The pedestal
Oh yes
I didn’t actually fancy Balkan on first date but totally liked him
Now I thinks he’s a sex GOD , and I’m getting insecure
Why ! Why ! He chased me ffs

Moopyhereagain

Yeah tinder in London is mental !!!
Too much actually

The best was when I went to italy
I was actually in a long distance penpal thing but had I been looking , some fine specimens

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow oh yes, I remember you being a bit frustrated about not seeing her much! Seems like it's going better now? Or have you just adjusted to the situation?

@Thisisworsethananticpated it seems difficult to plan anything that week. Maybe it will become possible if I am reading in, don't have much to do?

I think it's difficult because I don't really like texting other than a few close friends. It's awkward. I've sent him some travel photos because I think that is what people do (?), But then I feel like an idiot because I don't know why he would care about seeing them. And it feels very familiar of me, and presumptuous.

But yes, if it would survive this weird texting limbo, it seems like a situation where the logistics would be manageable.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs this is a brilliant analysis!

@gelatodipistacchio can you swap to voice notes or video messages/calls instead? Once I’ve met someone other then ‘on the go’ quick message exchanges I like to keep it to voice or video comms as otherwise it does feel like a massive step backwards. You do need to keep that eye-to-eye connection going I think.

I’ve just had a video call with Mr Ginger - very pleased I suggested cancelling meeting today as we’re so tired. We also can’t kiss as he has a coldsore and by some miracle we didn’t yesterday but I’m not sure we’d manage two nights in a row of such abstemiousness. Nice call, early night for me… fingers crossed I can keep grounded.

@gelatodipistacchio
I still feel like we are not seeing each other enough to form any decent kind of connection, once a week or fortnightly isn’t really enough for me, but seems to be all that she can / wants to commit to currently.

We have an Easter stay over and I think I’ll mention that I’d like to see her more

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I... don't know if we could switch. It has already reached a stage where it feels awkward for me. This seemed so promising but honestly I don't know if I can bear the situation. I am beginning to feel like I am keen and he is not. This may not even be fair! Maybe he's very keen. It's hard to tell by text. But I feel like it would be pathetic of me to start sending voice messages now when I am becoming worried that he's not interested.

I don't even know how to broach the subject, if at all. I could just taper off texting. Maybe that's the solution.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs sounds like it's all going well so far!

[quote gelatodipistacchio]@ibelieveinmirrorballs I... don't know if we could switch. It has already reached a stage where it feels awkward for me. This seemed so promising but honestly I don't know if I can bear the situation. I am beginning to feel like I am keen and he is not. This may not even be fair! Maybe he's very keen. It's hard to tell by text. But I feel like it would be pathetic of me to start sending voice messages now when I am becoming worried that he's not interested.

I don't even know how to broach the subject, if at all. I could just taper off texting. Maybe that's the solution.[/quote]
I know what you mean. It would have to be a casual switch over - maybe pull back on the texting for a day or two, see if he ups his game, then casually send a voice note just saying you’re about to dash out so can’t type so thought you’d send a vn instead or something, and just see if he responds in kind. It’s horrible when you start to doubt their enthusiasm is equally matched to yours.

Make a conscious effort when you get home to focus on nice things in your life and every time you catch yourself thinking about it, switch over to planning/thinking about a nice arrangement you have coming up. Remember you hardly know this person and if his enthusiasm is there it will sustain this very circumstantial pause in dates.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs thanks - this is very good advice. Dating really requires a lot of self-discipline. I think I am ready to pack it in again for a while.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow honestly, that does sound frustrating. If it's bothering you, seems very reasonable to bring it up.

gelatodipistacchio

Hmm . It’s very unfortunate you can’t see him for a month
And conducting relationship via WhatsApp is hard
Less would be better before you see him
And … breathe

I like the idea to taper off and send a lovely voice note and see if he responds in kind

How many times a day are you texting

But don’t bail on him yet , keep breathing as he is round the corner !

HowlongWillThisTakeNow

I can see the frustration . May I ask do you have kids ? I don’t know this !
I’m as similarly unavailable as your lady , once a week for now is the most

But I’d understand if someone without my ‘baggage’ found that hard also

I read but rarely have time to post but interested in the availability conversation.
I have one early teen DC who is with me for 6 days/nights at a time then goes to his dads for 3. Rolling pattern to fit in with his shifts so different days each time.
I can leave them during the day at the weekend for a few hours and early evening to do a gym class or go for a run but they're not old enough for me to leave them to go out for an evening.
In the relationships I've had post separation/divorce because I want to use some of those free evenings to see friends I've only been free once or occasionally twice a week. More time at weekends as happy to see someone day and evening but I need some of my childfree time for me too.

I think it's really hard trying to juggle it all.

No juggling required at the moment, 4 coffee dates this time round so far, none of shuck have gone anywhere!

@Thisisworsethananticpated
No, I don’t have any kids (sometimes I regret this, sometimes I’m glad!)

I dated a women with kids before with of course, but she had regular child free periods where we could have together time.

Ms H has her DD almost full time with the odd night away, and Ms H also works funny hours, so we can’t even do a week day evening together.
Her DD is doing her As this year and supposedly going to Uni in September, but I’m going to see even less of her over the summertime if they going to look at Uni’s etc, which is all cool and exciting.
But it leaves me kinda hanging around for breadcrumbs of time

@VivaVegas
I’m on the other side of that as a man trying to date a woman who has quite limited free time, I find I’m the one changing my plans to fit around her.
For example, she has some child free time over Easter, so I’ve changed my plans to fit around her

HowlongWillThisTakeNow

May I gently say that the breadcrumbs are reasonable ones ? It’s not that she’s seeing other people and dating other people , and is playing you a line
However sounds like you might be up for something more solid ( I remember you had same with FWB woman)

Look all we can do is assert boundaries , neither of you is wrong here . It might well be that this has potential especially as her DD moves away

It might be she Wants casual and that’s that

Time will tell ?