Should he have offered to pay for the holiday?

[TheSparkling]

I really need some thoughts on the situation I find myself in. I was widowed over 3 years ago and I've been in a new relationship for 9 months now. Apart from being married I have little experience of relationships which is why I'm asking for advise and opinions here.
My bf is a really lovely man and we seem to get on very well. We are very similar in lots of ways. Last year we had a weekend away together in a UK city which went well. Today bf suggested we book a week in Greece in Sept. All lovely, looked at some apartments and hotels and had a chat about what we would like etc. All good.
Except I've come home and gone through my budget and I know I can't afford it. I think i knew at the time but I got caught up a little in the excitement because I've not been abroad for 3 years like many people.

The thing is my bf knows money is really short for me. I have 3 dependent teenagers, I work and I'm a single parent. I have no other financial support, there is no pension or anything from my husband. My budget is tight and i struggle to pay for extras although I manage to save a small amount each month to cover this. During our chat about a holiday I expected my bf to offer to pay for the holiday. I don't know if I was unreasonable to do so? I didn't say that to him at the time but as I was driving home I became increasingly upset about it.

I'm not exactly sure why tbh. He said to me we could book it and you can pay me back even if that's after the holiday. But I don't want to be in debt to him (or to anybody).

Please tell me if I'm being unfair to him or should I not be expecting him to offer to pay more towards the holiday? (He is financially better off, no kids, mortgage paid, works full time.)

Those saying 9 months is casual are in cloud cuckoo land. I am 10 months into a relationship in my 40s are we are absolutely together. And were so, from about 3 weeks in. Same as it was with my first husband 20 years ago.

Prior to this relationship, I thought nothing of spending on my exes as I had more money. Happiness and doing things together was my priority. Now with my current boyfriend he has more disposable income and he pays for things more than me. But we had an open conversation about cash very early on and worked out priorities and who was wiling to treat if we wanted to do something.

I am so glad it worked out for you OP and hope it continues to do so.

@ravenmum
Been the SAHM whose husband frowned upon certain expenditure, so appreciate all the more a man who isn’t as tight.

[quote Londondreams1]@ravenmum
Been the SAHM whose husband frowned upon certain expenditure, so appreciate all the more a man who isn’t as tight.[/quote]
I appreciate it too. Still can't get used to the idea of it being OK to accept him paying, though :( - too many years of frowning! And the new bf is not massively better off than me. But the generosity (of many kinds) is excellent :)

@Youlightupmyday thank you for saying about the relationship thing. I have been more taken aback by people saying I'm not in a proper relationship after "only" 9 months. It's been interesting hearing people's views on this aspect of things too.

Have a lovely holiday - you deserve it and he is a very lucky man 💐

And just to add he sounds lovely too!

Men always expect to just go away on holiday without really thinking it from woman with childrens perspective. When I'm dating I make it clear I won't be going on holidays so if I was to get into a relationship, they know my situation. I wouldn't expect a new boyfriend to pay my way. You need to be more upfront.

If I am wrong, then I am sure one of you could point me to all the multi-millionaires in relationships with average looking single parents the same age as them, right?

👆🏽 x 100.

Look for them. Because they simply don’t exist and if they do? They’re the anomaly because of having a previous connection that predates today.

All around me the divorced wealthier men are dating women 10-15 years (at a minimum) younger than them. And everyone has their eyes wide open as to what this entails.

If I was to start dating someone that much younger than me (and hot), believe me, I would be 100% know that it entailed my picking up the cheque for holidays/ dinner dates / weekend breaks etc. I don’t and I won’t because I have zero interest in it. But if I did? I know what is expected of me.

@TheSparkling I’m glad this has worked out for you. Have a fab trip.

@TheSparkling

I am definitely going to explain that I can't afford to holiday with him. I guess what I also need to think about is whether this is a one off thing or is it that the financial difference is also something we need to talk about in more depth? . Because I feel it is going to rear its head on more than one occasion. I just can't see how the relationship is going to work if he wants things 50:50 on his level. I can't match that and won't ever be able to over the next few years. I know some posters think I sound grabby or expectant of him funding me. But I'm trying to explain that I'm not. But actually what I can afford is not in the same realm as him. Is this something that will end the relationship or can it be resolved?

I think it depends on how you both handle it. Whether you get resentful that he can afford more and won't do anything but 50/50. Whether he gets resentful that you can't do certain outings or holidays because you can't afford it. It's fair to say that outings and holidays have to match your budget, it's fair that he can do more expensive outings and holidays without you. You'd need to both accept what the financial disparity means in terms of what you can do together. At some stage he might chose to pay for the more expensive activities or holidays so you can do them together, but that's a choice he'd have to make on his own. If you're already feeling upset about him not offering to pay that's not a great sign moving forward. You're feeling are valid, but it's what you do with those feelings and how you deal with them that matters. You will need to find a way to come to terms with those feelings and move past them for your relationship to survive.

@TheSparkling I'm so pleased it's worked out for you.

@TheSparkling that Mrs Merton line is absolute gold!

Have fun on holiday!

Late to the party but I outearn my boyfriend.
We'll be have been together 14 months when we go away in October. I paid all the accommodation as I frequently go by myself anyway, he just paid his flights. So £160/950. I think I'd rather have the holiday than not have him there. If we split up, I get to go. That was the far harder conversation!!

I’m so pleased you’ll get to go.
It’s fantastic you felt able to have that conversation with your partner and it not turn into an argument. I’m sure he appreciated your honesty and reasonable approach to the situation.
I honestly think what you explained as expectation was probably more hope. There’s nothing unreasonable about being a bit hopeful you’ll get to go on a holiday. Especially after 2 years of being stuck mostly indoors.
Sounds like you’re going to have a great and open, honest relationship going forward.
(By the way I’m 5 months into a relationship after 10 years being a single mum. We’d known each other for 5 years previously. We have a mortgage together. 9 months isn’t “casual” in all situations.)

I have been with my partner nearly 6 years. He is very wealthy but I am poor. We went few times on holiday but I always had to pay for myself and I ended up with huge debts- just to please him. He never offered to pay for me even he knows my financial situation. He goes on holiday alone too as I can’t take anymore loans and it makes me so sad. I don’t want to except anything but on the other side after so many years together I would love to know that he treats me seriously and offers to pay for me. Unfortunately it’s not going to happen. Now he is on holiday again and he went knowing I had no money for food for me and my kids- he never offered to help. I am very stupid I know. I don’t know why I am still with him.

That is absolutely awful. Please dump the bastard.

I imagine it's not that he doesn't want to pay for you.. he's being careful in that he doesn't want to think you're with him for the perks.

I was divorced with 2 kids, money was tight and the man I had been with for a few months told me he wanted to take me to Rome for a long wkend. We are now married and he's since told me it was the first time he had flown economy for years but didn't want me to get ideas!

If he'd have wanted to pay for you he'd have offered. I would just say it sounds lovely but isn't something you can afford at the moment and don't want to be in debt- so let's leave it till you can afford it.

So sorry I didn't read your update! That's great, have a lovely trip.