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Original poster

Should he have offered to pay for the holiday?

293 replies

TheSparkling · 13/03/2022 20:55

I really need some thoughts on the situation I find myself in. I was widowed over 3 years ago and I've been in a new relationship for 9 months now. Apart from being married I have little experience of relationships which is why I'm asking for advise and opinions here.
My bf is a really lovely man and we seem to get on very well. We are very similar in lots of ways. Last year we had a weekend away together in a UK city which went well. Today bf suggested we book a week in Greece in Sept. All lovely, looked at some apartments and hotels and had a chat about what we would like etc. All good.
Except I've come home and gone through my budget and I know I can't afford it. I think i knew at the time but I got caught up a little in the excitement because I've not been abroad for 3 years like many people.

The thing is my bf knows money is really short for me. I have 3 dependent teenagers, I work and I'm a single parent. I have no other financial support, there is no pension or anything from my husband. My budget is tight and i struggle to pay for extras although I manage to save a small amount each month to cover this. During our chat about a holiday I expected my bf to offer to pay for the holiday. I don't know if I was unreasonable to do so? I didn't say that to him at the time but as I was driving home I became increasingly upset about it.

I'm not exactly sure why tbh. He said to me we could book it and you can pay me back even if that's after the holiday. But I don't want to be in debt to him (or to anybody).

Please tell me if I'm being unfair to him or should I not be expecting him to offer to pay more towards the holiday? (He is financially better off, no kids, mortgage paid, works full time.)

OP posts:
rookiemere · 16/03/2022 06:58

@TheSparkling did you speak to your DP about this again ?

Original poster
TheSparkling · 16/03/2022 07:37

Update - yes, I did speak to him yesterday evening. I just used the words that one poster suggested. That I had looked at my budget and I can't afford it, also that I was sorry that I got carried away. I also said he should go with a friend because I know he wanted something to look forward to.
He then replied, saying he knew money was tight and wanted us both to go on holiday together and he will pay. So all good.

OP posts:
Londondreams1 · 16/03/2022 07:52

I have been consistent here in my views but I’m relieved at his response: normal, nice and sensible.
I’d hate to live in the world of some of these posters where ‘oh you can’t pay so we can’t go’ would be their normal.
If you earn more (especially if bloke- see wage gap argument ) and have more disposable income (no dependents ) of course you pay for your partner / girlfriend / date to do nice things , because you want to enjoy this thing with them. Not with someone else.

RantyAunty · 16/03/2022 07:54

Glad it all worked out for you OP.
Back to looking at all the lovely places to stay for you.

COPPER3 · 16/03/2022 08:16

I'm so pleased for you. This man is a gentleman. Good luck and have a lovely time x

CrumpetStrumpet · 16/03/2022 08:35

So glad he's going to pay op :)

Totally agree with @Londondreams1 If you can afford to do it, then why wouldn't you pay for your girlfriend to go away with you? Especially when they've clearly not had things easy and could do with the break.

Hope you have a great time :)

Original poster
TheSparkling · 16/03/2022 08:52

Thanks for the well wishes...

@londondreams1 yes, that is kind off how I think but I also would never assume someone should pay for me.

I've always had in the back of my mind my best friend telling me this man was mean when I first started dating him. But I don't think he is, I do think he is measured and careful and not wanting to be taken advantage off. All good things. I guess these things take time to learn about the other person in a relationship. But when I said I couldn't afford the holiday he didn't think twice, he offered because he wanted me to be there with him. Which is the kind of confirmation I needed - not about the money but about how important I am to him and that he wants to spend time with me. Hope that makes sense.

OP posts:
Pluvia · 16/03/2022 09:00

I'm so pleased for you, OP. Not because you're going to Greece in September, but because this is an indication that you're in a relationship with a decent man who knows how to be generous if necessary. @Londondreams1, like you, I'd hate to live in a mean and selfish world where everyone looks out for themselves and isn't allowed to give or take little when necessary. As you say (as I said myself days ago) it's about the pleasure of going together. I'm likely to be much better off in retirement because I inherited money from my parents and my partner didn't. That doesn't mean I'll be enjoying trips abroad on my own, because she can't afford to come along.

ravenmum · 16/03/2022 09:00

I’d hate to live in the world of some of these posters where ‘oh you can’t pay so we can’t go’ would be their normal.
I feel more comfortable living in a world where I do not feel financially dependent on my partner. Partly as I was brought up as a stepchild; my stepfather is kind and generous, but not my father, so I would not have dreamed of asking him for money. And partly as I also lived in a world where I had to stop working full-time to bring up the children of a man who frowned over every spend, even on nappies, as if I was throwing "his" money around without a care. When you've experienced that, it makes you very wary of financial dependence and much less stressed living within budget. As OP said, If I can't afford to pay for it before I have the item then I can't afford it. My partner is actually a generous person who would be happy to pay for things, but it's very hard for me to accept alms. If I'm not successful enough to make more money, to me that is not a reason to expect someone else to pay for me. You're welcome to feel sorry for me, or look down on me, but I would feel like crap living in your world: just too stressful.

ravenmum · 16/03/2022 09:05

@TheSparkling I wonder if he didn't suggest it straight away because he didn't want to sound patronising, if you know what I mean? Your response and his are great, in any case - have a nice holiday :)

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 16/03/2022 09:19

Pleased for you, @TheSparkling. Best of luck with the planning.

Might I suggest one thing, learned the hard way from one of my young adult DSDs? Carefully consider booking and paying for your own travel insurance. There is also a new version of the old EHIC card called a GHIC (UK Global Health Insurance Card) that may be useful to have.

www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/healthcare-abroad/apply-for-a-free-uk-global-health-insurance-card-ghic/

Take care.

rookiemere · 16/03/2022 09:20

Oh I'm so pleased OP, that's great news, and perhaps he felt awkward around the subject as well and didn't want to patronise you by immediately offering to pay.
Have a great holiday Smile.

DiamondBright · 16/03/2022 09:27

While it would have been lovely for him to invite you to go on holiday as his treat, you definitely shouldn't expect it. I suspect he will think you're angling for him to pay so you'll have to handle it carefully.

You don't really need to discuss the details of your finances until you start talking about living together but it might be worth giving him an idea, so he knows for future reference that you need more time to save up for a big expense.

Fatgalslim · 16/03/2022 09:31

@DiamondBright

While it would have been lovely for him to invite you to go on holiday as his treat, you definitely shouldn't expect it. I suspect he will think you're angling for him to pay so you'll have to handle it carefully.

You don't really need to discuss the details of your finances until you start talking about living together but it might be worth giving him an idea, so he knows for future reference that you need more time to save up for a big expense.

Try RTFT or at least the OPs posts
DiamondBright · 16/03/2022 09:42

@Fatgalslim There was no update when I wrote my post, I'm on a train. Nice opportunity for you to be unnecessarily rude though.

Blossomtoes · 16/03/2022 10:40

Brilliant news @TheSparkling. I completely agree with Londondreams’ post. Have a lovely holiday.

Original poster
TheSparkling · 16/03/2022 11:02

@ravenmum - I do agree with you - in day to day life I am not financially dependant on anyone and I like that. My marriage was very stressful in regards to how money was spent and I was often criticised. So I am pleased that I can and do manage my money well and provide for my dc. I know my limits and get satisfaction from making everything balance as tricky as it can be with teenagers to support.

@SpinningTheSeedsOfLove - thank you for the advice, I consider it.

@rookiemere - yes, I think you may be right. He is quite a gentle soul and didn't want to say the wrong thing.

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 16/03/2022 11:32

Lovely update. I hope you have a fantastic holiday op, and that things continue to go well and you have a brilliant future relationship with this man.

SucculentChalice · 16/03/2022 12:13

@Orchidsonthetable

I’m not sure how you can straight faced say you don’t want financial support when you have him pay for 75% of your dates and want him to take you on holiday? This is financial support. And now yoire going to talk to him about money, what does that talk look like, is it just you can’t afford it or you want to ask him to pay for you to have a holiday?

Is the truth of this that you got excited as you thought he was giving you a free holiday?

I think most people would say "financial support" is paying for necessities, such as food, (non-holiday) accommodation, etc., not things in your life that you can get along perfectly well without. Such as dates or holidays.

Some really odd, rigid responses on this thread. I hope you enjoy your holiday OP.

DesertStorms · 16/03/2022 12:48

I think if the situations were reversed people would have a lot to say. Being paid for 75% of the time and having a free holiday. I wouldn’t feel I had any self respect in that situation.

OhThatChicken · 16/03/2022 12:51

After nine months? No way. If you were heading somewhere where a night in a Travelodge was on the cards then maybe, but not a full holiday.

Blossomtoes · 16/03/2022 13:42

@OhThatChicken

After nine months? No way. If you were heading somewhere where a night in a Travelodge was on the cards then maybe, but not a full holiday.
RTFT. He’s paying.
AnotherRandomMale · 16/03/2022 14:34

[quote RantyAunty]@Bookworm20

I know he's just one sexist guy, but I can imagine there are quite a few who think the same way.

Reminds me of the women that live with someone for 10 years waiting for marriage (no ring, 50/50 or worse) and then he goes off and marries straight the very next woman within a year in a big splashy wedding, big ring, etc.

A guy who is into you and serious acts differently.
.[/quote]
Sexist how?

If a guy with 3 kids who was a widower with a modest income was dating a woman 10 years his senior with a high income & no kids, do you really think there would always be an expectation of a 50/50 financial split?

The answer is clearly no & I find the flack I'm taking for bringing a dose of reality to the discussion hilarious. Bottom line is that there IS a regular or irregular financial provider aspect to some relationships, and the willingness of people who are providers to be in that position IS to an extent based upon what the relationship offers them, which can and in reality does sometimes include their partner being more physically attractive than they are.

People can rant at me for saying it, but I am neither promoting or criticising that, I'm simply stating what I regard to be the obvious. If I am wrong, then I am sure one of you could point me to all the multi-millionaires in relationships with average looking single parents the same age as them, right?

Plenty of women and some men want a man who earns more than them, and it isn't so that they can spend it all on their personal grooming, toys & hobbies! You all know this to be a fact. You can harrumph at me all you like about that, but it won't change a thing.

Original poster
TheSparkling · 16/03/2022 15:58

@desertstorms - my self respect is perfectly intact thank you. We've been through a huge trauma as a family and if I never accepted help from anyone we would have not survived. My self esteem is all the better for knowing people care and I have that support when I needed it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSparkling · 16/03/2022 16:08

I do agree @anotherrandommale
"The answer is clearly no & I find the flack I'm taking for bringing a dose of reality to the discussion hilarious. Bottom line is that there IS a regular or irregular financial provider aspect to some relationships, and the willingness of people who are providers to be in that position IS to an extent based upon what the relationship offers them, which can and in reality does sometimes include their partner being more physically attractive than they are."

I would say all relationships are transactional and I'm pretty certain my bf didn't enter into this relationship with his eyes closed. He is an intelligent bloke, plus his mum was widowed when he was very young so he knows what he is doing here.
I do think people can be a little blind to the realities of life. Not everyone can live in an ideal world and often relationships later in life will start out with lots of differences.

And we've all heard the joke when Mrs Merton was interviewing Debbie McGhee....

OP posts: