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Original poster

Should he have offered to pay for the holiday?

293 replies

TheSparkling · 13/03/2022 20:55

I really need some thoughts on the situation I find myself in. I was widowed over 3 years ago and I've been in a new relationship for 9 months now. Apart from being married I have little experience of relationships which is why I'm asking for advise and opinions here.
My bf is a really lovely man and we seem to get on very well. We are very similar in lots of ways. Last year we had a weekend away together in a UK city which went well. Today bf suggested we book a week in Greece in Sept. All lovely, looked at some apartments and hotels and had a chat about what we would like etc. All good.
Except I've come home and gone through my budget and I know I can't afford it. I think i knew at the time but I got caught up a little in the excitement because I've not been abroad for 3 years like many people.

The thing is my bf knows money is really short for me. I have 3 dependent teenagers, I work and I'm a single parent. I have no other financial support, there is no pension or anything from my husband. My budget is tight and i struggle to pay for extras although I manage to save a small amount each month to cover this. During our chat about a holiday I expected my bf to offer to pay for the holiday. I don't know if I was unreasonable to do so? I didn't say that to him at the time but as I was driving home I became increasingly upset about it.

I'm not exactly sure why tbh. He said to me we could book it and you can pay me back even if that's after the holiday. But I don't want to be in debt to him (or to anybody).

Please tell me if I'm being unfair to him or should I not be expecting him to offer to pay more towards the holiday? (He is financially better off, no kids, mortgage paid, works full time.)

OP posts:
Suzi9989 · 13/03/2022 21:18

Just be honest with him. Tell him you can't afford it and doesn't want debt hanging over your head.

You can not expect him to pay for you, he made it clear he can pay in advance and you to pay him back. Sorry OP you can't expect him to pay for you and he hasn't offered!!

MichelleScarn · 13/03/2022 21:18

He is financially better off, no kids, mortgage paid, works full time

@TheSparkling Do you work full time? Of course you can't expect such a new boyfriend to fully fund your holiday!

JacquelineCarlyle · 13/03/2022 21:18

You can't afford to go so that should have been your response when it was first brought up. Totally agree about not getting into debt for him / to him.

If he wants to go on holiday with you, then he'll either offer to pay, with no expectation of being repaid, or suggesting something much cheaper that you can afford.

If he doesn't offer either then I'd be upset, but it's wrong to expect him to treat you to the holiday.

Jk24 · 13/03/2022 21:21

No he shouldn't pay. My now dh offered to pay for an expensive long distance holiday 2 years in and I said no and paid half (he paid his half in full and I paid monthly) also were your dc going?

Baaaa · 13/03/2022 21:24

You're going to have to handle this carefully when you say you can't afford it or he might think your plan was for him to pay for you.

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 13/03/2022 21:25

Going against the grain here, but if I were in a committed relationship with someone who had a lot more disposable income than me, I would expect them to subsidise holidays and meals out. When I was in my final year of uni and earned nothing, my long-term boyfriend was earning £30k a year and he paid for two holidays and several meals out, and I thought that was right and proper.

Almostthere1 · 13/03/2022 21:27

I get your upset OP.
I’m assuming that after 9 months together your boyfriend is aware of your financial situation. I don’t think he should be automatically expected to pay but he should have asked if you are in a position to go away on holiday together (as in: cover your costs). If he’s in a much better financial position, wants to spend time away with you and cares about you, I would expect that he would WANT to pay and he would offer that. The offer that you can pay him back after the trip just kills the romance. I wouldn’t go.

Baaaa · 13/03/2022 21:29

@OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo

Going against the grain here, but if I were in a committed relationship with someone who had a lot more disposable income than me, I would expect them to subsidise holidays and meals out. When I was in my final year of uni and earned nothing, my long-term boyfriend was earning £30k a year and he paid for two holidays and several meals out, and I thought that was right and proper.
But he has more money as he works for it and doesn't have kids. It's too much to expect the whole holiday to be paid for by him. If he wanted to treat OP after 9 months then maybe he would pay for the meals out while they were there. For all he knows she might go on holiday with him and then dump him after.
Savvysix1984 · 13/03/2022 21:29

No way, especially not after 9 months. I wouldn't even expect my dh to pay for a holiday for me, unless he explicitly said it was a treat.

vamptramp · 13/03/2022 21:30

Not after only 9 months together, no I wouldn't expect him to pay.

It's nice when you're seeing someone for several months if they offer to take you for dinner and pay as a treat, but I certainly wouldn't expect a relatively short term boyfriend to spend hundred on a holiday for me!

bluedodecagon · 13/03/2022 21:32

[quote Sassbott]@bluedodecagon that’s interesting. Why should his income mean it’s a maybe? Why should any adult be expected / or maybe expected to subsidise another adult they’ve been dating for a short period of time? Irrespective of income levels or net worth?[/quote]
I don’t think an adult should subsidise another adult.

What I do think is that if someone is wealthy, like extremely rich, and their lifestyle is generally unattainable, than they would usually accept that in order to have someone else enter that world, they have to subsidise it. So for example if I dated Elon Musk then I would expect him to pay for things because he is the richest man in the world.

That’s why I stated £500k. I didn’t mean does he make £70k and you make £40K, I meant does he make £500k plus and you make say £20k a year. In that situation I would expect any holiday that he wanted to go on would generally be too expensive for me to go on without him paying.

gamerchick · 13/03/2022 21:32

Just tell him you've given it some thought and the holiday is not financially viable, even if you can pay him back and that it was a nice thought.

Then let it go. It's not worth getting upset about.

NoSquirrels · 13/03/2022 21:37

As others have said, 9 months in you shouldn’t expect this.

I think maybe you’re upset because it points out the realities of your situation again in a stark way and it feels upsetting. That’s not his fault, of course. But the contrast to being in a marriage where what’s yours is his, the feeling financially pinched with teen dependants etc - that’s all upsetting.

Zeebs27 · 13/03/2022 21:41

Sorry this upset you but unfortunately I’d be expecting to pay my share. I’ve paid for a holiday for me and my boyfriend before (I was kindly gifted some money from a family member and wanted to treat us both to a nice week away). If he wanted to pay for the entire holiday, he would have said.

My advice would be let him know that you’d love to go however you can’t afford it and don’t want to be in debt to him paying him back after the holiday

Original poster
TheSparkling · 13/03/2022 21:48

Hi, thanks for all the responses - I did kind of expect the general consensus which is why I didn't say anything at the time.

Just to answer a few questions:
@MichelleScarn - I actually work slightly more hours than my BF, but yes, full time hours.
A couple of posters mentioned the DC's - they are teens and would be staying at home under the care of my brother/ their uncle.

Just to clarify, the first weekend break we had, all the costs were split exactly 50:50 and I expected this because we had been dating for around 6 months then. We are nearer the 12 months mark now and I actually was not really expecting him to pay for everything but to offer to cover more than me. Mostly because he suggested the holiday and he knows my budget is very tight right now.

In terms of our dates, he has paid for about 3 out of 4 approx and it's been like that from the start.

I do really appreciate the no nonsense answers by the way.

OP posts:
SarahDippity · 13/03/2022 21:50

I think it’s insensitive of him to suggest a holiday abroad in September when you are the only parent to three teens who are presumably all school-going. Is he considerate of your budget, your responsibilities, etc? Do you find yourself paddling that bit harder to fit in with his expectations? I’d watch this carefully.

ChoiceMummy · 13/03/2022 21:51

@TheSparkling

I understand why you thought that he may have offered to either contribute or pay more when your circumstances are so different. It does seem an unfair suggestion if literally one of you can barely afford a fish and chips lifestyle and the other is dining Michelin Star.

I think that I'd lay your cards on the table. You can't afford it and given the uncertainty in the changes in cost of living, it's probably not a great time to take on unnecessary debt either, as much as you'd love to go. His reaction should then, imo, be one of trite and apology/empathy.

I assume you haven't booked it yet?

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 13/03/2022 21:52

Its really up to him what he wants to do, but as you havent given him the necessary information its a bit to early to be judging him.

Go back to him and say Im really sorry babe (or whatever you call him), but Ive looked at my budget and there is no way I can afford Greece in Sept. I could manage (insert uk weekend holiday) or if I start saving I could look at it for Sept 23. Sorry to be a drag but life has just got very expensive here and its going to be hard for me this year.

And see how he responds. There is no right or wrong here, maybe he can afford to pay for you too, maybe he cant, or maybe he just wont yet or ever. You dont know yet, early days still, play it by ear.

Chloemol · 13/03/2022 21:58

None shouldn’t offer to pay, but you need to tell him you can’t afford to go, and don’t want to borrow money to do son

Supersimkin2 · 13/03/2022 21:59

I’d expect him to come up with ideas you could both afford, not just him. Or offer to pay a bit extra. Otherwise it’s just embarrassing.

Original poster
TheSparkling · 13/03/2022 22:02

@NoSquirrels

As others have said, 9 months in you shouldn’t expect this.

I think maybe you’re upset because it points out the realities of your situation again in a stark way and it feels upsetting. That’s not his fault, of course. But the contrast to being in a marriage where what’s yours is his, the feeling financially pinched with teen dependants etc - that’s all upsetting.

Thank you - I guess this hits the nail on the head and it made me wonder how things will work out if I can't afford to do meet his expectations in lots of ways.

For what it's worth the holidays we were looking at were around £600 to £700 so not anything extravagant.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSparkling · 13/03/2022 22:12

@Baaaa

You're going to have to handle this carefully when you say you can't afford it or he might think your plan was for him to pay for you.
This worries me because in a back to front way I don't want to him to feel he has to pay or I am asking him to pay. The reality is I can't afford this holiday and I will have to say that to him.

I guess his expectations are a little off from mine and this highlights a worry I have had since the start of this relationship. How do we get to a point where things are even if his financial position is so very different from mine? (When I say even I don't necessarily mean 50:50)
This kind of thing is always going to rear its head isn't it?

I guess I am a little upset that he suggested it when he knows my financial position so well. He is a decent person and probably doesn't realise at all.

The issue about paying him back was him meaning if he paid the balance I could continue to pay him my half after the holiday. But I refuse to get myself into debt about anything now even if it is with a friend. If I can't afford to pay for it before I have the item then I can't afford it in my mind.

OP posts:
Clymene · 13/03/2022 22:14

That is a very cheap holiday so I'm guessing he thought it would be in budget for you.

Have you talked about money much? Is he aware of your financial circumstances?

Clymene · 13/03/2022 22:17

And I might be naive but I would have expected most widows to have had their mortgages paid off through life insurance

NorthSouthcatlady · 13/03/2022 22:18

YABU why should he pay? It’s not his fault you have higher outgoings than him. You shouldn’t be going on holiday if you can’t afford it.