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Original poster

Felt humiliated straight after sex

324 replies

supersonicspider · 13/03/2022 07:35

DH and I have been having problems and are doing marriage counselling. Sex has been off the cards for a while because I've not wanted to be intimate if we've been bickering, low libido due to recently starting antidepressants and intercourse can become painful after around 45 minutes due to scarring.
I agreed to try to be more intimate so last Saturday morning, a kiss and a cuddle in bed led to sex. Kids downstairs watching tv which puts me slightly on edge.
DH knows I don't want sex to go on for too long because of pain and risk of kids disturbing us. DH loves long, slow sex so we're slightly incompatible these days with that regard. Before second child came along, sex was still amazing.
Anyway... about half an hour into it, we switch to doggy style. He wants me to talk dirty which we sometimes do when we've had a glass of wine and it's at night. This however was morning, bright sunshine coming through skylights with me saying "fuck me, I want you to fuck me" I'm trying to do what he likes but did feel a bit silly and self conscious.
After another 10 minutes or so, I stop and lay down... it's become painful and he has spat on his cock a few times which I find gross. He said he'd buy some lube which he never did.
We've been together 20 years by the way and in early 40s. Sex was always amazing before things started to feel rocky within our marriage, hence the counselling.
DH gets straight out of bed saying that he couldn't climax because I didn't look like I was enjoying it, I was being too quiet and then he imitated me by pulling a grimacing sex face, saying that's what I looked like. I felt really embarrassed and said I'm sorry but I just became too painful and I thought he was going to get some lube. I also said that I thought he understood that I can't have sex for ages these days but apparently he was expecting a sex marathon that morning. He made me feel embarrassed and humiliated as he left me in bed to go into the en-suite bathroom to shower (and presumably to finish himself off). I felt upset because I'd tried and my vagina was hurting. I'd had my not so skinny arse in the air at him in broad daylight just moments before and he did a horrible impression of me? This was last weekend and now the thought of having sex with him again is not good.
I don't know how we're going to get back on track. Sex is a vital for him but not for me.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 13/03/2022 09:54

I’ve never heard women say they have a problem with it.

Well you have now!

Never in your life can you say that again.

DrSbaitso · 13/03/2022 09:55

I’ve never heard women say they have a problem withit.

That's because the only thing you have to worry about with those ones is whether you've got the puncture repair kit.

NinaDefoe · 13/03/2022 09:55

This was destined to fail from the start.
A noisy, acrobatic, morning ‘sex marathon’ lasting God knows how long isn’t a great idea when you have young children watching TV downstairs in the living room.

Happygirl79 · 13/03/2022 09:55

Is his name Dick?

Coffeetree · 13/03/2022 09:56

@MrsWinters

Can you have a one to one session with the councillor to try and articulate the problems to them first and then get them to guide the conversation with your husband a little more? His behaviour is unacceptable, but as you say he was probably feeling very defensive at the time. He definitely shouldn’t be doing things that hurt you though- can you get a referral from the GP to a gynaecologist to see if there is anything they can help you with
Dear God. Enough gaslighting. There's no golden mean to be found here. The onus is not on the OP to cOMmunIcAtE better and strive to convince her husband that she's a human being.
pjsgalore · 13/03/2022 09:56

Awful OP you poor thing!

I think it sounds like he has a problem with ejaculation/a sexual dysfunction. I went out with a guy once who needed about that time to eventually come and it was a nightmare. Really painful, mood-killing and quite frankly boring!! He did eventually admit he'd always had problems with it and needed to see someone about it.

Not sure how that will help you though sorry - as you telling him that will probably infuriate him.

Just know that you are NOT IN THE WRONG!! It's one thing getting dirty and wild after drinks in the evening - another thing entirely to be doing that in the broad light of day with the kids milling around downstairs!!

Sending strength!!

AngelinaFibres · 13/03/2022 09:56

[quote BigOlDingleSlinger69]@FrancescaContini

I’m just telling it like it is. Spit can substitute for lube - if OP doesn’t like that or has a hang up over it that’s ok - but spit being used as lube isn’t some new idea from porn or something inherently degrading.

To be clear were not talking about spitting on someone - but using ones owm spit as lubrication.[/quote]
Nope. Just no. Not ever.

NinaDefoe · 13/03/2022 09:57

@MintyFreshBreath

45 minutes of sex sounds like a yawn fest to me. Honestly, he’s not a husband and you’re not his sex doll. Definitely LTB.
This too.
LemonMuffins · 13/03/2022 09:58

This is all super grim OP and I suspect you've been appeasing his ridiculous sexual requests for far too long.

He clearly has no respect for you and your health so I'd be looking to leave him.

AngelinaFibres · 13/03/2022 09:59

@DrSbaitso

I’ve never heard women say they have a problem withit.

That's because the only thing you have to worry about with those ones is whether you've got the puncture repair kit.

SmileSmileSmile You can probably get very expensive ones that tell you how big you are and how a amazing you are at sex. Bit out of budget I imagine
Wartywart · 13/03/2022 09:59

If you weren't married to this person, and didn't have kids with him, but were just dating him, you'd have dumped and blocked him immediately. Have a long hard think, but frankly I wouldn't blame you at all if you felt unable to ever have sex with him again.

Phobiaphobic · 13/03/2022 10:00

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

He's absolutely horrible He fucked you for an hour with your kids downstairs knowing you were in pain and then mocked you for not being into it enough? Grim.
Yep. I suspect your problem, OP, may be bigger than just this incident. He sounds like an arsehole.
AdamRyan · 13/03/2022 10:00

@WonderfulYou

There are a lot of posters saying about how he’s this and that for having sex for 45mins, not having lube etc etc but the facts are you also had sex for 45mins, you also didn’t use any lube etc.

You can’t do something and then moan and be upset or embarrassed about it afterwards.

You need to work on your boundaries and be more vocal about what you want and don’t want.

If he doesn’t have lube, you don’t have sex. End of.

You don’t want to have long sex as it’s painful so you need to be vocal about when it’s starting to hurt (he won’t know this) and do other things before, during and afterwards so you can both orgasm and it’s not just PIV.

The biggest red flag here is you seem to not be saying anything to him. Just going along with it and then afterwards hating him even more for doing something you went along with.

Clearly you've never been in a sexually coercive relationship Hmm
AdamRyan · 13/03/2022 10:01

@DrSbaitso

I’ve never heard women say they have a problem withit.

That's because the only thing you have to worry about with those ones is whether you've got the puncture repair kit.

GrinStar
BigOlDingleSlinger69 · 13/03/2022 10:02

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loislovesstewie · 13/03/2022 10:03

I can't really be the only person who thinks that 45 minutes getting nowhere is too long can I?
The best sex I ever had was with someone who knew exactly what buttons to press, it was all over including the shouting in about 20 minutes start to finish.
On the other hand, I had a very short relationship when young with someone who thought that he had to try every possible position in the Kama Sutra every time. Needless to say that relationship did not last.
OP your husband sounds as if he is trying to behave as if he is in a porn film and that is really horrible. I'm not surprised by your reactions.

DrSbaitso · 13/03/2022 10:03

You can probably get very expensive ones that tell you how big you are and how a amazing you are at sex.

I wouldn't know. BiggusDickus? Is that true?

NerrSnerr · 13/03/2022 10:04

@BigOlDingleSlinger69

Honestly surprised at people’s hang ups over spit being used as lubed (if it’s effective). Most men (all) and most women don’t have weird issues with it. You can both hack up a storm for a quickie if it’s needed and it’s usually a laugh all round!
How on earth do you know that all men and most women wouldn't have a problem with it?

I have never had a sexual partner do it, in my experience it's not normal. Have you conducted some kind of research?

BigOlDingleSlinger69 · 13/03/2022 10:05

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Fluffycloudland77 · 13/03/2022 10:06

It’s really not.

Baystard · 13/03/2022 10:06

It’s a very very common thing.

In porn. It's common in porn.

TimeSlipMushroom · 13/03/2022 10:07

@BigOlDingleSlinger69

Honestly surprised at people’s hang ups over spit being used as lubed (if it’s effective). Most men (all) and most women don’t have weird issues with it. You can both hack up a storm for a quickie if it’s needed and it’s usually a laugh all round!
Ew

Another suggestion for individual counselling op. You may find it easier to discuss the issues without DH present

gogohm · 13/03/2022 10:08

@loislovesstewie

I was thinking the same thing - after 30 mins I would have had had enough and I have no pain issues. 20 mins seems about right ... and no kid issues here (at university, rooms on top floor when home, we are on middle floor Grin)

NerrSnerr · 13/03/2022 10:08

Your husband is supposed to be your partner in life, he's supposed to love and respect you. Part of that love and respect is not doing things that they know will hurt you and cause upset.

spacehardware · 13/03/2022 10:08

"bitterness"

Lol tarquin is that you?