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Original poster

Felt humiliated straight after sex

324 replies

supersonicspider · 13/03/2022 07:35

DH and I have been having problems and are doing marriage counselling. Sex has been off the cards for a while because I've not wanted to be intimate if we've been bickering, low libido due to recently starting antidepressants and intercourse can become painful after around 45 minutes due to scarring.
I agreed to try to be more intimate so last Saturday morning, a kiss and a cuddle in bed led to sex. Kids downstairs watching tv which puts me slightly on edge.
DH knows I don't want sex to go on for too long because of pain and risk of kids disturbing us. DH loves long, slow sex so we're slightly incompatible these days with that regard. Before second child came along, sex was still amazing.
Anyway... about half an hour into it, we switch to doggy style. He wants me to talk dirty which we sometimes do when we've had a glass of wine and it's at night. This however was morning, bright sunshine coming through skylights with me saying "fuck me, I want you to fuck me" I'm trying to do what he likes but did feel a bit silly and self conscious.
After another 10 minutes or so, I stop and lay down... it's become painful and he has spat on his cock a few times which I find gross. He said he'd buy some lube which he never did.
We've been together 20 years by the way and in early 40s. Sex was always amazing before things started to feel rocky within our marriage, hence the counselling.
DH gets straight out of bed saying that he couldn't climax because I didn't look like I was enjoying it, I was being too quiet and then he imitated me by pulling a grimacing sex face, saying that's what I looked like. I felt really embarrassed and said I'm sorry but I just became too painful and I thought he was going to get some lube. I also said that I thought he understood that I can't have sex for ages these days but apparently he was expecting a sex marathon that morning. He made me feel embarrassed and humiliated as he left me in bed to go into the en-suite bathroom to shower (and presumably to finish himself off). I felt upset because I'd tried and my vagina was hurting. I'd had my not so skinny arse in the air at him in broad daylight just moments before and he did a horrible impression of me? This was last weekend and now the thought of having sex with him again is not good.
I don't know how we're going to get back on track. Sex is a vital for him but not for me.

OP posts:
Makeitsoso · 13/03/2022 09:31

@CaMePlaitPas

I mean this gently, but sex is part of a normal healthy relationship. There are people in sexless relationships and there are people in relationships who don't have sex with one another but go elsewhere, with consent. It doesn't sound to me that your husband wants to be in a sexless relationship, so you are going to have to think about how you proceed with your marriage.

How is he outside of the bedroom? He didn't conduct himself very well last weekend, but is he a good partner to you? Do your (non sexual) needs get met? Don't give us the spiel of him being a great Dad, this is your relationship and you need to look closely at it for your own sanity and long term happiness.

This is BS. Sex is part of a normal healthy relationship BUT less than enthusiastic consent, pain and unkindness - absolutely shouldn’t be.

OP the only way to move past this is to be really brave and bring it up in counselling. Either he really didn’t know how hurtful he was being (he should have) and he needs to put it right straight away or he doesn’t care.

The relationship has a small slither of chance of being saved if he is willing to confront the enormity of what it means to have sex with someone when they are in pain and clearly not enjoying it…. but I think you need to decide if you can trust him with that. If you can’t, the relationship is doomed because you’ve decided it’s actually that he intentionally had sex with you knowing you were unhappy. That’s marriage destroying.

All the best OP. Be gentle with yourself.

yeswell · 13/03/2022 09:33

I like sex and have a lot of it with my partner (would gladly have it twice a day, but he's not so energetic). However, the idea of 45 mins of PIV is Shock. More to the point, I could not have sex, ever, with someone who did vile impressions of me. It's presumably his own insecurity, but that is still no excuse.

LoisLane66 · 13/03/2022 09:33

45 minutes or more would be off the table with me. I hate(ed) long drawn out encounters. 20 mins max then I want(ed) a shower and get with the children.
I actually never rated sex much anyway.

Branleuse · 13/03/2022 09:33

[quote BigOlDingleSlinger69]@supersonicspider

This is a woman’s site OP (and those that congregate here tend to be even far more inclined to take that side than those irl) so your going to get a lot of answers shitting all over him and playing into your feelings - BUT, you won’t get many explaining his.
You’ve made him feel unwanted, probably thinks is inevitable you’ll continue to lose attraction until divorce (as so many do) aren’t willing to try to work on things - being indignant at the idea of buying lube shows this - and aren’t into and won’t try to get into sex. Obviously he’s going to find it hard to finish under those circumstances and he stopped once he thought you were uncomfortable.

Yes he made you feel insulted, but you also made him feel insulted because it’s clear you aren’t interested in sex with him and are basically just grimacing through it because you don’t like him. If you can’t even be bothered to buy lube what is there to say? Your sex life with him is over by your choice.[/quote]
Bullshit. She actually tried to have sex with him and has been clear that due to discomfort and kids being up, can it be a quickie and that she needs lube. Thats normal. In your 40s with perimenopause most women do need lube even when aroused. It can hurt otherwise.
She actually tried to find a way. If his fantasy is that he can have porn style extended sex sessions while the kids are downstairs awake and his long term wife is on her knees squealing fuck me fuck me. Maybe he needs a dose of fucking reality.
A big reason women go off sex is because so many men are shit lovers who do not listen. They watch porn and havent worked out that actually thats not what most women want out of their sex life.
Doesnt sound like this dude even knows or cares what sort of intimacy OP would actually like. The way to reconnect intimately in a long term relationship while undergoing issues, is not to emotionally blackmail your wife, spit on your cock, go at it for ages and then mock her.

WonderfulYou · 13/03/2022 09:33

There are a lot of posters saying about how he’s this and that for having sex for 45mins, not having lube etc etc but the facts are you also had sex for 45mins, you also didn’t use any lube etc.

You can’t do something and then moan and be upset or embarrassed about it afterwards.

You need to work on your boundaries and be more vocal about what you want and don’t want.

If he doesn’t have lube, you don’t have sex. End of.

You don’t want to have long sex as it’s painful so you need to be vocal about when it’s starting to hurt (he won’t know this) and do other things before, during and afterwards so you can both orgasm and it’s not just PIV.

The biggest red flag here is you seem to not be saying anything to him. Just going along with it and then afterwards hating him even more for doing something you went along with.

Buttonknowsbest · 13/03/2022 09:34

Coconut oil is fantastic to use as lube. And discreet when kids see it in room drawer. That whole situation sounds very sad for a married couple with kids. Maybe it you told him how it made you feel, he cant be a totally arsehole if you've with him that long and have kids

Branleuse · 13/03/2022 09:34

@yeswell

I like sex and have a lot of it with my partner (would gladly have it twice a day, but he's not so energetic). However, the idea of 45 mins of PIV is Shock. More to the point, I could not have sex, ever, with someone who did vile impressions of me. It's presumably his own insecurity, but that is still no excuse.
Exactly
HappeeInParis · 13/03/2022 09:35

Your husband sounds absolutely horrible. Not surprised you’re not enjoying sex as he doesn’t seem to be taking you into consideration at all.

loislovesstewie · 13/03/2022 09:38

I think she has made it clear that sex is painful if it goes on too long.
DH knows I don't want sex to go on for too long because of pain and risk of kids disturbing us.

Tiddlesthecat · 13/03/2022 09:38

It sounds like some mismatched expectations here. You have admitted that you're not bothered about sex (due to low libido, soreness and kids being around (entirely understandable). He was frustrated and got defensive, which was hardly going to help. I think that anyone would get sore after 45 minutes. That would send me to sleep to be honest. It sounds very boring! Moving forward he needs to apologize. Sort the lube out. Get a babysitter and agree that future sessions will be shorter, but perhaps with more foreplay focus on him first. That's if you want to move forward in your relationship together of course.

BigOlDingleSlinger69 · 13/03/2022 09:40

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FrancescaContini · 13/03/2022 09:41

[quote BigOlDingleSlinger69]@lottiegarbanzo

Nah it’s absolutely a functional thing. Especially for men, it’s easy lube (as all teen boys know), porn has zero to do with it. I’ve never heard women say they have a problem with it. It’s no different than the way saliva from the mouth will lube it up during a bj.

It’s got nothing at all to do with wanting to be disrespectful by the act of spitting on someone.
I mean is it really any grosser than any other fluid that comes out during sex?[/quote]
You really don’t get it, do you?

And you’re obviously a porn-addicted male. Horrible username.

eyeoftheworld · 13/03/2022 09:42

I've name changed for this, because it's hard to write about...

I could have written a very similar post to yours @supersonicspider My ex shouted at me during sex, mocked me, told me that I couldn't have sex "right", other women could do these things, why couldn't I, there was something wrong with me, etc. He didn't go for 45 minutes, but he always pushed me and pressured me into doing more extreme and painful things. I would have to explain to him over and over why I needed him to use lube, why it was painful for me, but nothing ever changed. He thought I was lucky that he was as nice as he was to me, that other men would feel it was okay to be far worse.

He was abusive in many other ways too, as I'm guessing your husband might well be. I wouldn't even try to bring it up in counselling, it was used against me and he manipulated the counsellor very well. Women's Aid were a big comfort to me. I can see it now for what it was - sexual abuse. I don't know how I'm ever going to feel safe with another man again, but picking up the pieces and getting a little stronger every day now he's gone.

DrSbaitso · 13/03/2022 09:44

Oh good God, is BiggusDickus here? I should have known. He was all over the Ukraine conscription thread arguing for two days about why rape isn't as bad as women think it is. He also thinks it isn't creepy, or massively overdone, to give yourself a phallic name and then find women online to correct about sex, rape or coercion.

MiddleParking · 13/03/2022 09:45

I’ve never heard women say they have a problem with it.

Eight pages here of women saying they’ve got a problem with it, you absolute fucking weapon.

Clymene · 13/03/2022 09:45

@WonderfulYou

There are a lot of posters saying about how he’s this and that for having sex for 45mins, not having lube etc etc but the facts are you also had sex for 45mins, you also didn’t use any lube etc.

You can’t do something and then moan and be upset or embarrassed about it afterwards.

You need to work on your boundaries and be more vocal about what you want and don’t want.

If he doesn’t have lube, you don’t have sex. End of.

You don’t want to have long sex as it’s painful so you need to be vocal about when it’s starting to hurt (he won’t know this) and do other things before, during and afterwards so you can both orgasm and it’s not just PIV.

The biggest red flag here is you seem to not be saying anything to him. Just going along with it and then afterwards hating him even more for doing something you went along with.

What a steaming heap of victim blaming bullshit
MintyFreshBreath · 13/03/2022 09:45

45 minutes of sex sounds like a yawn fest to me. Honestly, he’s not a husband and you’re not his sex doll. Definitely LTB.

MrsWinters · 13/03/2022 09:47

Can you have a one to one session with the councillor to try and articulate the problems to them first and then get them to guide the conversation with your husband a little more?
His behaviour is unacceptable, but as you say he was probably feeling very defensive at the time. He definitely shouldn’t be doing things that hurt you though- can you get a referral from the GP to a gynaecologist to see if there is anything they can help you with

WonderfulYou · 13/03/2022 09:49

I think she has made it clear that sex is painful if it goes on too long.

DH knows I don't want sex to go on for too long because of pain and risk of kids disturbing us.

But what’s too long for OP?
5mins, 10mins, 20mins?
Is it the exact same time or does it vary?

You can’t say to someone I don’t want to have sex for too long and then try and make them guess what you mean or how long you should continue for.

I don’t have any issues with pain but sometimes certain positions can be painful so I’ll tell them to stop as it’s hurting - I don’t carry on for 45mins and expect them to guess it’s hurting.

WonderfulYou · 13/03/2022 09:50

@Clymene how is having boundaries with your husband victim blaming?
Or is that just a phrase you like to throw around?

Walkingalot · 13/03/2022 09:51

I honestly don't know why you are bothering with marriage counselling given what you have told us so far. Doesn't sound like there's a whole lot of love going on.

DillDanding · 13/03/2022 09:51

That all sounds horrendous. The spitting thing is repulsive. That'd be enough to put me off.

BigOlDingleSlinger69 · 13/03/2022 09:51

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BigOlDingleSlinger69 · 13/03/2022 09:52

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AngelinaFibres · 13/03/2022 09:53

[quote BigOlDingleSlinger69]@lottiegarbanzo

Nah it’s absolutely a functional thing. Especially for men, it’s easy lube (as all teen boys know), porn has zero to do with it. I’ve never heard women say they have a problem with it. It’s no different than the way saliva from the mouth will lube it up during a bj.

It’s got nothing at all to do with wanting to be disrespectful by the act of spitting on someone.
I mean is it really any grosser than any other fluid that comes out during sex?[/quote]
Another man Hmm