Felt humiliated straight after sex

[supersonicspider]

DH and I have been having problems and are doing marriage counselling. Sex has been off the cards for a while because I've not wanted to be intimate if we've been bickering, low libido due to recently starting antidepressants and intercourse can become painful after around 45 minutes due to scarring.
I agreed to try to be more intimate so last Saturday morning, a kiss and a cuddle in bed led to sex. Kids downstairs watching tv which puts me slightly on edge.
DH knows I don't want sex to go on for too long because of pain and risk of kids disturbing us. DH loves long, slow sex so we're slightly incompatible these days with that regard. Before second child came along, sex was still amazing.
Anyway... about half an hour into it, we switch to doggy style. He wants me to talk dirty which we sometimes do when we've had a glass of wine and it's at night. This however was morning, bright sunshine coming through skylights with me saying "fuck me, I want you to fuck me" I'm trying to do what he likes but did feel a bit silly and self conscious.
After another 10 minutes or so, I stop and lay down... it's become painful and he has spat on his cock a few times which I find gross. He said he'd buy some lube which he never did.
We've been together 20 years by the way and in early 40s. Sex was always amazing before things started to feel rocky within our marriage, hence the counselling.
DH gets straight out of bed saying that he couldn't climax because I didn't look like I was enjoying it, I was being too quiet and then he imitated me by pulling a grimacing sex face, saying that's what I looked like. I felt really embarrassed and said I'm sorry but I just became too painful and I thought he was going to get some lube. I also said that I thought he understood that I can't have sex for ages these days but apparently he was expecting a sex marathon that morning. He made me feel embarrassed and humiliated as he left me in bed to go into the en-suite bathroom to shower (and presumably to finish himself off). I felt upset because I'd tried and my vagina was hurting. I'd had my not so skinny arse in the air at him in broad daylight just moments before and he did a horrible impression of me? This was last weekend and now the thought of having sex with him again is not good.
I don't know how we're going to get back on track. Sex is a vital for him but not for me.

45 minutes?? Even the healthiest vagina would be wincing at that!! Was grimacing reading this, sounds utterly grim and your DH is a bully who clearly refuses to compromise. Have my first LTB. He wants his sex marathons, let him have them with some other poor female And you can enjoy your Saturday mornings unmolested!

*Sexual harassment obviously

It's not A LARF if it's unwanted.

@EdgeOfSeventeenAndThreeQuarter

LTB. You’ll be amazed how well your vagina self-lubricates when you get an opportunity to offer it to someone you’re mentally attracted to.

I second this!

What an arsehole.

I’m sorry OP, Jesus Christ this is miserable.

If you were grimacing it’s because you were in pain. If his response to you being in pain is to get angry and mock you, what really are you trying to save here?

How hard is it for him to buy some lube? I would find the spitting on his penis revolting too.

Honestly - this is all so wrong. I’m sorry he’s treating you like this

Jeeeeez TMI TMI TMI 🤢

Really did not need to know about the long, slow sex or the "fuck me"

Ah yes, 'you're the wrong kind of women, so your opinions don't count' follows 'all women agree with me', just as late nights on porn sites follow day.

Don't have sex just to please him.

Also lube really does help , more so for your comfort than any reason to please him. Personally , I'd buy it , hide it , and only whip it out WHEN you want a shag .

@SpaceFarce Sorry but it's not bollocks for most people. Usually when you feel intensely attracted to somebody, downstairs becomes very lubricated. If that's not happening for you then that could be for a number of reasons but it's wrong to say it's bollocks just because it's not the case for you

[quote DrSbaitso]God, this is amazing.

OP: My husband spits on his knob instead of using lube. I hate it.

Five pages of posters: Ugh, that's horrible.

BiggusDickus: No! Women don't mind! I've never heard a woman complain about it, even after I inflate her really well! All teenage boys do it and if that's not proof that it's a sign of skilled and seductive lovemaking then what is? Women don't mind!

Posters: The women on here are telling you they mind.

BiggusDickus: No! It's not true! I have conversations about this at work and everyone says how true and funny it is!

[/quote] Haha this thread has really put the equally obnoxious comments from BiggusDickus he's been leaving on serious political threads all week into context, getting a clear picture of the man here 😂

It's up to you if you don't mind people spitting during sex but if you can't accept someone telling you it puts them off then you have an issue with empathy and respect.

Likewise, 45 minutes is WAY too long for PIV sex to be enjoyable, it is perfectly reasonable to say "of course I wasn't enjoying it, 45 minutes is way too long, I've told you that before and I've told you the physical reasons why". He should have accepted and respected that long ago, rather than persisted as though women are making up that that is simply too long.

Expecting that kind of performance with kids downstairs is just mind boggling, too.

Everything about him is gross and selfish. He has no leg to stand on about how much effort OP puts in or seems to like it until he has respected these basic things she has told him before.

[quote MotherofAutism]@SpaceFarce Sorry but it's not bollocks for most people. Usually when you feel intensely attracted to somebody, downstairs becomes very lubricated. If that's not happening for you then that could be for a number of reasons but it's wrong to say it's bollocks just because it's not the case for you[/quote]
It took me many years of dealing with men acting very insecure about the level of lubrication to realise even in myself that it was pretty much entirely dictated by my cycle, not my feelings.

This is why people should not be so weird about using lube.

Also, he can buy himself a perfectly good sex doll on wish to be exactly whom he wants

@deeplyambivalent

It amazes me how so many men just DO NOT GET the concept of pain during sex. Sure, in some cases they don't care, but it also seems to be that they just can't imagine it.

The ones that can't imagine need to find out quick. A few scrapes with the teeth on his dong. A fingernail in the nads.

[quote BigOlDingleSlinger69]@NerrSnerr

Most women ime arent weird about it and find it a larf. It’s not a usual thing - just if it’s needed say for a real quickie in the spur of the moment.

I’ve even heard it talked about openly at work as well and it was chuckles all round from both sexes.

Only on Mumsnet![/quote]
Only in Strangeways.

Stop having sex with him. He doesn't care if you are in pain.

Sack the counselling. It's all about making women comply with men.

It's abusive to make you have sex doggy style, therefore difficult to cover up if the door suddenly opens, while the children are around.

He is abusive to pound you for ages when you don't want it.

Saliva as lube is a thing, but not if you don't like it.

The thought of having my dear fellow inside me for forty-five minutes is giving me the fanny-gallops, though I'm in the kitchen and he's 300 miles away. If we were together, it would be a connection of minds as well as bodies. You aren't getting that with your dh. You are doing all the giving, accepting - even initiating - sex you don't really want. You've tried. Stop now. Put yourself first. No-one else will.

I bet your scarring is as a result of bearing his kids too.

I wouldn’t entertain spitting and a plumber’s wipe.

I’m sure as all things slippery that if someone mocked me nastily after sex then that would be the last time they could.

@burnthur5t

45 minutes, Christ. Why does it have to go on so long?

Get him to put some groundnut oil on his cock next time and hopefully it will be over in a few minutes

I was going to suggest chilli oil but then I thought of the OP ...

God, I love mumsnet for threads like this. OP I also had an EX who lasted for ages. I sort of thought he must be amazing and I must be inadequate. But as another poster says there can be issues, like delayed ejaculation , because of their own issues, whether mental or physical.

It’s great that women are able to speak up on here!

To the biggusdiccus guy that is derailing. Actually I have no great problem with using spit as lube, either. But I can just imagine him focussing on the spit issue, not understanding in the slightest what all the women on here are talking about.

The problem is OP is married to a shit inconsiderate lover who doesn’t listen to her needs (maybe like biggusdiccus himself?). To spell it out: The point is that the op is in pain. Having piv for 45 mins. She needs lube for her comfort. Bigdick poster, the only vague analogy I can give you for a dry painful post-birth vagina: I bet you don’t like your arm to be tickled on the same spot for more than a few mins? You def wouldn’t want me rubbing you for 45 mins on a wounded region.

Morning all,

If you're wondering about all the deletions on this thread, we could see that a previously banned poster had managed to reregister so we've deleted all of his posts. We don't give PBPs a second chance, especially when they rock up with a username like BigOlDingleSlinger69...

Thanks for all the reports. Hopefully this thread can get back on track now.

@DawnMumsnet

Morning all,

If you're wondering about all the deletions on this thread, we could see that a previously banned poster had managed to reregister so we've deleted all of his posts. We don't give PBPs a second chance, especially when they rock up with a username like BigOlDingleSlinger69...

Thanks for all the reports. Hopefully this thread can get back on track now.

Thanks. I did wonder about this username.

@DrSbaitso

Oh good God, is BiggusDickus here? I should have known. He was all over the Ukraine conscription thread arguing for two days about why rape isn't as bad as women think it is. He also thinks it isn't creepy, or massively overdone, to give yourself a phallic name and then find women online to correct about sex, rape or coercion.

Why has this total chump not been banned?

@DawnMumsnet

Morning all,

If you're wondering about all the deletions on this thread, we could see that a previously banned poster had managed to reregister so we've deleted all of his posts. We don't give PBPs a second chance, especially when they rock up with a username like BigOlDingleSlinger69...

Thanks for all the reports. Hopefully this thread can get back on track now.

Oh thank you Dawn!

Thank you Mumsnet!

@imjustmadboutsaffron

The Mumsnset team are usually quite fast acting, so I assume this person hasn't said anything abhorrent enough to get banned yet.

Being a man isn't enough. Since January I've seen more and more join. Some of them think it's appropriate to sush women on dating threads when those women dare to talk about their experiences. It's usually a variation of 'BUT WOMEN DO IT TOO' (therefore plz shut the fuck up). I don't know what they can or will do about this issue.

He is being disrespectful and hasn't taken on board advice to make you feel at ease.
He needs to listen to what works for you, if 45 mins is too long for you then he needs to be trying for say 30 mins as compromise. Is it literally just PIV for 45 mins no foreplay?

Personally 45-90 mins is normal for me and DH but if you're in pain then he needs to be helping and not mocking you.

I'm not sure what to suggest OP because a lot of the time for women sex starts in the mind, and he's made you feel upset/embarrassed which is not a good starter for more sex.

Is he open to further discussion and actually getting off his arse and doing something such as buying lube for starters, and compromising on time of day etc?