Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drugs is an immediate dealbreaker, isn't it?

200 replies

jolliejullie · 12/03/2022 19:05

I went on a couple of dates with a man whom I quite liked. 42, handsome, funny, smart, good job, no kids but looking for a relationship that would lead to a family. We had a great time so far, but thank God haven't slept together yet.

Today we went on our 4th date and he told me he uses drugs regularly. Cocaine once a month and ecstasy a couple of times a year.

I am so disappointed. I have to call it a day immediately, don't I? What'a the point of continuing seeing him, knowing he uses drugs and that would most likely lead to issues down the line?

I don't use any drugs, I drink a couple of glasses of wine often but that's it. I am not familiar with the world of drugs and I don't think I want to get any closer to it.

Ugh, what a disappointment. I thought this one had potential.

OP posts:
sophienelisse · 30/03/2022 22:07

It's the type of drugs for me.
Cocaine ~ absolutely a deal breaker.
A joint. Instead of a drink of a weekend I couldn't get worked up about. As long as it is discreet.

sophienelisse · 30/03/2022 22:08

Ecstasy at 42. Bin off.

RedFlagsAllOver · 30/03/2022 22:12

Yeah I would get rid. I recently met a guy, its only casual not in the market for a relationship. He does coke and makes no secret of it. He was messaging me Friday night and it got weird. Then Saturday he said sorry I did some coke. Absolute turn off.

LardyDee · 30/03/2022 22:19

Not an automatic "no", it's really an individual choice. Clearly there are happy couples both of whom are recreational drug users. But the fact that you're here asking the question seems to me to suggest that it won't work for you.

EarthSight · 30/03/2022 22:20

Cocaine once a month

At least he's been open about his drug use, but I wouldn't go there, personally. Shit isn't it, but wherever there's cocaine, stripclubs, prostitution and dangerous driving never seem to be far away.

Boomboomboomboomboomno · 30/03/2022 22:22

@EarthSight yes I've always heard these things are never far away, they do seem to be linked don't they?

ALittleBitConfused1 · 30/03/2022 22:24

It defo would be for me. It would be the coke that did it. I never thought it would be but I dated a guy who told me he did coke....ocassionally. in general he was a lovely bloke good job etc. But 5 months in the mask slipped and it become apparent that it wasn't as ocassionally as he would like me to believe. I can to go into details but I can. Let a just say it wasn't pretty. His life was a shit show and that's not a situation I would wish on anyone. I ended it pretty soon after but if I could do it again I would have ended it as soon as he told me.
Thing is you were disappointed, in my experience hat tells you everything. You have your bar set, please don't lower it for a bloke you've met 4 times.

Moser85 · 30/03/2022 23:44

Definite dealbreaker for me.

Ex did/does coke and is a problem drinker so couldn't deal with anything like that again. All of his family do coke and without exception it has caused problems in all of their relationships.

@timestheyarechanging
How do you know you would be able to tell? Some people are very obvious but others you wouldn't be able to tell.

SarahBellam · 30/03/2022 23:50

I couldn’t be arsed with the hassle. If something jars with your values then don’t go there. For me it would be a deal breaker, but for many on here it is perfectly acceptable.

mummabubs · 30/03/2022 23:54

Honestly run a mile. My ex was into recreational drug use and like you I'd not had any experience or knowledge of drugs beforehand. Nothing good came of it.

DrBrennerFan · 31/03/2022 00:44

Get out now while you can before the money starts to run out due to his drugs (weed baccy in this case ).

Shabtipup · 31/03/2022 01:00

At 42 it's just embarrassing. Shows a lack of an interesting personality to be honest (my opinion) does he think he's still 20? Lol

Cocogreen · 31/03/2022 04:45

@FangsForTheMemory

Agree with a PP he's minimising it. Bet it's cocaine every weekend.
Yep. Easing you into the idea of it. He's lying about his use.
Ruralbliss · 31/03/2022 07:45

@Boomboomboomboomboomno in my friends case they'd been together a long time before he developed an addiction so she knew what she was missing. She gave him many chances to sort himself out because she loved/loves him and didn't want to be a single parent but the drug benders made it impossible as did his inability to see what a huge problem it was for the entire family.
In the end his sister took him away to their mum's rural home where no dealers live and got him to go to narcs anonymous I think.

hybridoaties · 31/03/2022 09:04

I wouldn't mind this tbh. He's being honest with you so I would take that as a good thing. I'm not ashamed to say I've done plenty of drugs in my time although not anymore!

If he wants a family... ask him how he will approach the drug consumption if you were to have children. This is answer is what I would make my decision on.

Gowithme · 31/03/2022 09:10

Still doing drugs at 42? Didn't he grow out of that? It would be a no from me.

Boomboomboomboomboomno · 31/03/2022 11:40

@Ruralbliss
Did he get clean in the end?

chaosrabbitland · 31/03/2022 11:46

it wouldnt be a really big deal for me , if i was in that position i would express my concerns about it , and tread warily , but i wouldnt dump and run straight away no , id much rather this than someone constantly drinking , lived with a heavy drinker once it was awful

RedFlagsAllOver · 31/03/2022 16:42

I met a guy for casual stuff and he told me he did coke, I didn't care at the time because I wasn't interested in a relationship. But last Friday he started being nasty over text, it was just strange and I didn't like it. Then the next day he said sorry about Last night I was drunk and did a bit of coke. I let it slide, then Last night the strange texts happened again. Fine one minute then acting weird and told me to fuck off and never speak to him again. Hand on heart I did nothing to deserve that. Then i got called a bitch and he blocked me. So personally I could never knowingly get involved with a coke user again. This happened Las night and I've spent most of today crying

Boomboomboomboomboomno · 31/03/2022 18:50

@Ruralbliss
What's harder to comprehend is the family member was never really happy with him and they were having counselling before she found out about the drug use so we thought this would have been the final straw!

AuxArmesCitoyens · 31/03/2022 19:46

Middle-class dinner party once a month coke users are the worst kind of arsehole. I just can't fathom wilfully ignoring the human misery you are getting your jollies from.

Boomboomboomboomboomno · 31/03/2022 20:13

Agreed too

Ruralbliss · 31/03/2022 22:02

@Boomboomboomboomboomno it's all fairly recent so too early to say whether he'll clean up and move back in. If he does it will take some strong will power to not slip back into old crowd and habits.

LardyDee · 31/03/2022 22:03

@AuxArmesCitoyens

Middle-class dinner party once a month coke users are the worst kind of arsehole. I just can't fathom wilfully ignoring the human misery you are getting your jollies from.
I'm a bit baffled as to why they're worse arseholes than working class people who use it every weekend.
MerryMarigold · 31/03/2022 22:07

A friend of mine just got out of an extremely abusive situation. He was a 'just once a month' guy till he got more and more addicted (over years) and abused her constantly until she finally ran away. It's been beyond
awful for her and her children. Do not mess with that world.