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Original poster

Drugs is an immediate dealbreaker, isn't it?

200 replies

jolliejullie · 12/03/2022 19:05

I went on a couple of dates with a man whom I quite liked. 42, handsome, funny, smart, good job, no kids but looking for a relationship that would lead to a family. We had a great time so far, but thank God haven't slept together yet.

Today we went on our 4th date and he told me he uses drugs regularly. Cocaine once a month and ecstasy a couple of times a year.

I am so disappointed. I have to call it a day immediately, don't I? What'a the point of continuing seeing him, knowing he uses drugs and that would most likely lead to issues down the line?

I don't use any drugs, I drink a couple of glasses of wine often but that's it. I am not familiar with the world of drugs and I don't think I want to get any closer to it.

Ugh, what a disappointment. I thought this one had potential.

OP posts:
TwiggletLover · 12/03/2022 19:49

Seems slightly OTT to describe someone who is doing coke once a month as a druggie, or to presume that they are headed for major problems in the future

Rainbowqueeen · 12/03/2022 19:49

Yes I would end it. And I agree he is probably minimising.

Don’t try to minimise it yourself by focusing on his good qualities. Run now before you get too attached and he wastes more of your time

Eloise666 · 12/03/2022 19:50

I think this is not abnormal seeing as he would have grown up in the 90s/00s party scene; it wouldn’t put me off at all tbh as long as it’s all in moderation/every so often and not impacting on daily life.

If he is going out raving and ending up power-gurning, naked and cage-dancing during these little sessions then I’d find that unattractive, whereas at home or house/dinner parties or with partner etc is no more “sad” than socialising with alcohol. So context/more info is needed.

dipdye · 12/03/2022 19:51

I find this whole Coke thing so pathetic. As if it's so cool?

peboh · 12/03/2022 19:52

If you'd have told me he was early twenties, then I'd have said no, it doesn't have to be a deal breaker.
However a man in his 40's, perhaps would be for me. These are the phases people tend to grow out of as life settles down. I don't know that I'd want to be with someone who hadn't grown out of that stage.

Nanny0gg · 12/03/2022 19:56

@Eloise666

I think this is not abnormal seeing as he would have grown up in the 90s/00s party scene; it wouldn’t put me off at all tbh as long as it’s all in moderation/every so often and not impacting on daily life.

If he is going out raving and ending up power-gurning, naked and cage-dancing during these little sessions then I’d find that unattractive, whereas at home or house/dinner parties or with partner etc is no more “sad” than socialising with alcohol. So context/more info is needed.

Oh I don't know

You don't exactly pop down to the local off-licence for your weekly 'score' do you?

Supporting that trade would be a deal breaker for me

Peasock · 12/03/2022 19:59

It would be for me as I grew up with an addict, and although I'm not suggesting he is one by any stretch, I just find drugs abhorrent. I also think the exploitation both here and abroad such as county lines is a disgrace and anyone who funds that just to get their rocks off is sad.

Peasock · 12/03/2022 20:02

@Eloise666

I think this is not abnormal seeing as he would have grown up in the 90s/00s party scene; it wouldn’t put me off at all tbh as long as it’s all in moderation/every so often and not impacting on daily life.

If he is going out raving and ending up power-gurning, naked and cage-dancing during these little sessions then I’d find that unattractive, whereas at home or house/dinner parties or with partner etc is no more “sad” than socialising with alcohol. So context/more info is needed.

Personally I'd avoid someone who was an alcoholic or who got drunk to an embarrassing extent regularly- but I don't think it's that comparable as the alcohol supply chain and sale is regulated. Although there might be some people exploited along the way sadly as can be the case with most products, not to the extent of drugs. It also is precarious legally and not something I'd want to be involved in
Paperdolly · 12/03/2022 20:05

Poor kids with parent doing drugs. It affects them you know.

Don’t go there. Please.

sloeslowgin · 12/03/2022 20:05

Ecstacy twice a year? No problem. Non addictive, great fun, increases empathy, less dangerous than - say - horse riding or mountain climbing.

Coke? No fucking way. It's seriously addictive, expensive, makes people arrogant, ego centric dickheads. Regular use, even once a month - no way. It really has the potential to ruin lives.

Sorry.

Piglet80 · 12/03/2022 20:09

Ecstasy not so bad but cocaine is the devil's drug.. evil and horrible stuff.. and turns people into something that isnt very nice.. hes no good unfortunately

Peasock · 12/03/2022 20:09

@Paperdolly

Poor kids with parent doing drugs. It affects them you know.

Don’t go there. Please.

Why?
dirtyjoan · 12/03/2022 20:10

If it genuinely was a social thing once a month it wouldn't be a total dealbreaker but I'd want to know that was definitely true.

IME Mumsnet posters take a very hard line on drugs and can catastrophise massively but it is possible to be an occasional user with no issues or difficulties.

dirtyjoan · 12/03/2022 20:12

@dipdye

I find this whole Coke thing so pathetic. As if it's so cool?
I don't think people take it to be cool (well maybe young people do), they take it because they like it.
Halllyup17 · 12/03/2022 20:12

Absolute deal-breaker for me. Not fine in your 40s and not fine in your 20s either.

JennyForeigner · 12/03/2022 20:13

My cousin is a mental health nurse working in a high needs clinical residential setting. After what she's told me about the risks, I wouldn't touch coke ever. Or 90% of other illegal pharmaceuticals. I live in fear of one of my kids making a catastrophic mistake.

But tbh it's the ethics that would make this a deal breaker for me in a relationship with an adult. Does he not know or not care about the global cost of coca production? If it's the latter, can't he read?

Branleuse · 12/03/2022 20:17

I wouldnt care about the ecstacy a couple of times a year, but monthly coke use? Does he mean he goes on a bender every payday?
Monthly use probably means more often than that. Ive done plenty of drugs over the years, so its not a moral judgement, but id hard-avoid a regular cokehead

ByTheSea · 12/03/2022 20:26

@sloeslowgin

Ecstacy twice a year? No problem. Non addictive, great fun, increases empathy, less dangerous than - say - horse riding or mountain climbing.

Coke? No fucking way. It's seriously addictive, expensive, makes people arrogant, ego centric dickheads. Regular use, even once a month - no way. It really has the potential to ruin lives.

Sorry.

This
5128gap · 12/03/2022 20:44

Impossible to tell whether it would be a deal breaker, as not enough information. I'd need to know how into it he was, whether he would be prepared to stop if his lifestyle changed, how much he took, how much it cost him, how he behaved when on it, whether he indulged in other high risk behaviours..
The problem is, I'd only get to know all of this when I'd got to know him pretty well, and by then may have become invested and find it upsetting to end it if I needed to. So for that reason, I'd go with a no from the offset.

JudyGemstone · 12/03/2022 20:47

@BlindGirlMcSqueaky

The ecstasy I wouldn't mind. The cocaine I would avoid. I am experienced in the world of drugs and those are two very different beasts.

If he's willing to give up the cocaine, I'd consider it. But it's a hard drug to quit.

This.

I believe psychedelics can be life enhancing when used sensibly, cocaine is just nasty though.

drawingpad · 12/03/2022 20:50

It's a hard no from me. I abhor drugs. I wouldn't tolerate anyone close to me or my children taking drugs.

NaiceHamAndHugs · 12/03/2022 20:50

You’d think that he’d have grown the fuck up by now.

Having said that coke seems to be as popular as having a pint these days for some reason. It seems to have become the norm!

Some people can handle it and it really doesn’t change them but in my experience it just turns people into monstrous arseholes.

use257 · 12/03/2022 20:55

Weed=yes
Anything else=no, he's probably lying to you about the frequency as well

dirtyjoan · 12/03/2022 20:59

@use257

Weed=yes Anything else=no, he's probably lying to you about the frequency as well
I'd honestly rather be in a relationship with someone who did coke once a month than a regular weed smoker. Associated mental health issues and the lack of motivation if a heavy smoker would worry me/do my head in.

PPs are right though, coke is a shitty drug and does make people arsehole.

NinjaQueen · 12/03/2022 21:04

I went out with a guy who "occasionally" took cocaine.

Turned out that was all he ever wanted to do, once a month as really every weekend and it caused endless rows between us. Most miserable two years of my life!