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Original poster

Drugs is an immediate dealbreaker, isn't it?

200 replies

jolliejullie · 12/03/2022 19:05

I went on a couple of dates with a man whom I quite liked. 42, handsome, funny, smart, good job, no kids but looking for a relationship that would lead to a family. We had a great time so far, but thank God haven't slept together yet.

Today we went on our 4th date and he told me he uses drugs regularly. Cocaine once a month and ecstasy a couple of times a year.

I am so disappointed. I have to call it a day immediately, don't I? What'a the point of continuing seeing him, knowing he uses drugs and that would most likely lead to issues down the line?

I don't use any drugs, I drink a couple of glasses of wine often but that's it. I am not familiar with the world of drugs and I don't think I want to get any closer to it.

Ugh, what a disappointment. I thought this one had potential.

OP posts:
Hrpuffnstuff1 · 13/03/2022 08:45

Drugs a family do not go together.
I dated a woman for a month or so, she told me she didn't drink, she took e instead. We had a handful of dates, I mulled it over and decided that behavior wasn't for me.
Coke rewires the brain too. Not good.
I do know it's popular amongst the 30-40s crowd.

Nah move on.

Lampan · 13/03/2022 09:04

I could have written your exact post a couple of years ago. First person I’d really clicked with in forever, very attractive etc. I saw him a couple more times as due to circumstances it could only be a fling anyway. Well, obviously the drug use turned out to be more frequent than originally claimed. And I realised that I would never be able to travel abroad with him as I have always been scared of the idea of someone putting drugs in my bag at customs. And the amount of money he spent on drugs, and the fact that at 42 it’s just all a bit pathetic anyway.
You can bet that he uses more than once a month. It will be a dealbreaker at some point so might as well end things now.

use257 · 13/03/2022 09:14

@dirtyjoan I'm with what most people would regard as a 'heavy' weed smoker and he works 2 jobs (one full time) and fits in being a great dad too. So I think it depends on the person entirely

lawandgin · 13/03/2022 09:29

@userxx sounds like your friend could have been dating my brother. OP he was a "once a month" user too. Until he wasn't. Run

JiannaTheWitchQueen · 13/03/2022 09:39

@use257 the issue I would have with a heavy weed smoker (been there and done that) is that they use cannabis to regulate their emotions. Plus you can't go anywhere without smelling of their weed! Even camping holidays become problematic in my experience.

Izzabellasasperella · 13/03/2022 09:43

I think you are wise to end it now. A coke habit can escalate very quickly. The money he's spending would be an issue at some point. Also the come down can be brutal affecting his moods and motivation.
Pretty much all the cocaine users I knew thought they were so witty/charming/sociable when in reality it turns people into arseholes.
I tried it once at a party. Something happened to my friend ( her bf was caught having sex with someone else upstairs) High on coke I had no empathy for her just wanted them to leave so we could forget the drama and carry on with the party! That shocked me so much I haven't touched it since.
Of course your bf could stop and everything could be great but is it worth the risk?

Lanareyrey · 13/03/2022 10:22

Heavy, long term weed use can bring on drug induced schizophrenia. I have multiple patients with this and they have to have long acting anti psychotic injections. Weed is not a harmless drug at all.

SilverHairedCat · 13/03/2022 12:07

@use257 I don't understand why this is seen as OK. Would it be OK with you if he drank alcohol as often as he lit up? Took any other drug?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 13/03/2022 12:33

[quote use257]@dirtyjoan I'm with what most people would regard as a 'heavy' weed smoker and he works 2 jobs (one full time) and fits in being a great dad too. So I think it depends on the person entirely [/quote]

Heavy user
Prioritises buying weed
Stinks of it
Great dad for sure!

Are you a heavy user aswell?

Londondreams1 · 13/03/2022 12:35

Have said before I find alcohol just as bad in the way it affects people (especially finances, organization and personality) than the drugs you mention, so it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me

Londondreams1 · 13/03/2022 12:36

Although they are illegal so there is the risk of the police knocking if he takes them at home and not something you’d probably want to have the stress of if you have a child around

timestheyarechanging · 13/03/2022 12:56

Agree with Elouise. I partied a lot during the acid house days and sometimes still do. My EX H (we are still friends) does too.
I haven't talent ecstasy since my daughter was born, 23 years ago but I do still have a line or two when I go out, maybe every three months. So do all my friends. No one has a problem with it. One of our friends did get addicted but he's now been clean for 8 years.
My kids (23 and 18) have no idea and they do do drugs either - I would be able to tell when they come in after a night out.
We live completely normal lives. We have good jobs. My ex and I bought our first house when we were 25. We now own a house each and both paid off our mortgages. Daughter has a great job and is about to buy a flat, having saved a deposit. Son is doing 3 A levels and plays football for the county. Both have lovely boyfriend and girlfriend.
My partner does the same - he too has a successful business and owes property worth over a million. Doing a couple of lines once in a while has not impaired his life at all.
I have the same group of friends that I used to go clubbing with 30 odd years ago and our children are all friends.
However, one of our friends became alcoholic and sadly died. Another friend is also battling alcoholism. So, I'd much prefer to be with someone who did a line or two once every couple of months than someone who drank to excess. Alcohol is worse in my experience.

use257 · 13/03/2022 13:00

@SilverHairedCat because it has completely different side effects, it's not even comparable

drawingpad · 13/03/2022 13:03

So, I'd much prefer to be with someone who did a line or two once every couple of months than someone who drank to excess

It's not a one or the other choice though, is it?

Lots of people don't 'do a line or two' and manage not to become excessive drinkers

timestheyarechanging · 13/03/2022 13:37

@drawingpad
Indeed but when you've grown up in the late 80/90s living in London, Ibiza and Goa - drug taking was a given. I met my ex H in a club in 89 and we were together 22 years and are still friends. The drugs have never been a problem for us, my current partner, or any of our friends. I haven't taken an E in 23 years, weed in 24 years or cocaine 2 years and hardly drink at all now. My partner drinks occasionally (one or two beers once a month) and has a line or two occasionally, probably twice a year - doesn't bother me at all.

MrsBerthaRochester · 13/03/2022 13:46

Get him to fuck! I had a friend who met a guy online and turned out he was a total coke head. He told her he only used it very ocasionally which was a load of crap. He had a good job but would never have any money to take them anywhere and would go on coke benders and ignore her for days.
She only told me the full story when they had split. She had introduced the kids to him very early to. So wrong.

ParkheadParadise · 13/03/2022 14:05

All these posts about being cool with drugs.
Wonder how you would feel when your own child starts with
recreational drugs @ uni
Moves on to coke
Moves on to heroin
Moves on to injecting
Moves on to injecting in their groin
Moves on to injecting in their ankles
Stealing lying
Finally gets clean after 3 attempts at rehab.

3 months later they are brutally murdered by their evil bastard of an ex.

Drugs destroy lives and families it's so far removed from I occasionally do a line of coke it doesn't mean anything
Don't get me started on drug dealers either.

drawingpad · 13/03/2022 14:07

Indeed but when you've grown up in the late 80/90s living in London, Ibiza and Goa - drug taking was a given.

Bollocks it was. Drug taking was never a 'given' - lots of people don't take and never took any drugs.

SilverHairedCat · 13/03/2022 14:14

@use257 Isw absolutely comparable. Taking illegal drugs daily is not a good thing. Using mind altering substances before work, before caring for children, day to day is not a good thing. In fact, functioning or not, one might call that heavy user of cannabis an addict or a drug abuser.

My neighbours smoke cannabis before work every day. One works in a school as a TA. He doesn't drive, just walks to work. Are you OK with him doing that? I'm certainly not and think he's a disgrace, but to each their own.

Qwill · 13/03/2022 14:33

Well I’d hardly call him a druggie! But, you don’t like it, so why bother? I don’t like beards, so wouldn’t pick a partner with one. Some people wouldn’t be happy with a partner that drank alcohol, or smoked. Im not sure you need us to make the decision for you when you’ve already made it for yourself?!

PatsyClinSilVousPlait · 13/03/2022 14:34

Attitudes to drugs are important, so if someone's differ from yours they're likely not a good match.

Wish them well and move on with your life, without moralising based on your limited life experience.

NerdyBird · 13/03/2022 14:51

I think it's likely he uses more frequently than he claims, but also, if this is still his lifestyle at 42 is he really going to give it up and have a family or would he in fact end up preferring to carry on as he is?

BlindGirlMcSqueaky · 13/03/2022 19:13

@ParkheadParadise

All these posts about being cool with drugs. Wonder how you would feel when your own child starts with recreational drugs @ uni Moves on to coke Moves on to heroin Moves on to injecting Moves on to injecting in their groin Moves on to injecting in their ankles Stealing lying Finally gets clean after 3 attempts at rehab.

3 months later they are brutally murdered by their evil bastard of an ex.

Drugs destroy lives and families it's so far removed from I occasionally do a line of coke it doesn't mean anything
Don't get me started on drug dealers either.

That's literally scaremongering. Most people can drink sensibly without becoming an alcoholic. Most people can take drugs sensibly without ending up mainlining heroin.
ParkheadParadise · 13/03/2022 19:45

@BlindGirlMcSqueaky
I bloody wish it was scaremongering.
That is my DECEASED daughter I was talking about.
If only she'd known to be sensible with heroin.
I will tell her during the week when I visit her grave.

mcplant · 13/03/2022 20:25

My BF started dating a guy who was an "occasional" coke user. He liked she didn't do drugs as he wanted to give up, get married & have a family. Get away from his lifestyle.

She said he wasn't to do it in her house, then he started, boundaries continued to move and a year later she was doing it with him. She's now a regular user. Our friendship has drifted as she has changed as a person, she used to be the most caring person who would drop anything for friends or family but is now so self centred. She's 42 now & no sign of getting married or having kids which she always wanted.