Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drugs is an immediate dealbreaker, isn't it?

200 replies

jolliejullie · 12/03/2022 19:05

I went on a couple of dates with a man whom I quite liked. 42, handsome, funny, smart, good job, no kids but looking for a relationship that would lead to a family. We had a great time so far, but thank God haven't slept together yet.

Today we went on our 4th date and he told me he uses drugs regularly. Cocaine once a month and ecstasy a couple of times a year.

I am so disappointed. I have to call it a day immediately, don't I? What'a the point of continuing seeing him, knowing he uses drugs and that would most likely lead to issues down the line?

I don't use any drugs, I drink a couple of glasses of wine often but that's it. I am not familiar with the world of drugs and I don't think I want to get any closer to it.

Ugh, what a disappointment. I thought this one had potential.

OP posts:
PatsyClinSilVousPlait · 13/03/2022 00:17

Cocaine is used so widely now the perceptions and prejudices around it are often a bit out of date. Overweight middle aged men on coke often behave differently than younger guys for starters.

Its often abysmal quality and likely to do not much more than give you a bad night's sleep and a reminder why it isn't worth the hassle. Hundreds of thousands take it every weekend in the UK. The majority of these are not hightailing it to see strippers or prostitutes after a line in their suburban local.

Lanareyrey · 13/03/2022 04:20

Get rid OP. Let me tell you from experience, drug using will never go away. He will also try to get you to take drugs with him with an excuse to use with him because it will “bring you closer together”. You are setting yourself up for a life time of pain. Still using drugs at his age is crazy and immature and he sounds like a twat.

Cheekymaw · 13/03/2022 07:10

Run L.F, Op!!

blockbustervideo · 13/03/2022 07:13

I don't know... MN is full of pearl clutchers. A large majority of 40-somethings I know do cocaine recreationally (central london).

Loopytiles · 13/03/2022 07:14

‘Recreational’ drugs = funding criminals and abuse.

liveforsummer · 13/03/2022 07:20

It would be goodbye for me, I have experience with being in a relationship with someone who turned out to be a cocaine user and it's not an experience I want to repeat ever again. He will alarmist certainly use it more often. It will be any time he's in certain situations which might well increase if he's out and about with a new partner.

liveforsummer · 13/03/2022 07:23

@TwiggletLover

Seems slightly OTT to describe someone who is doing coke once a month as a druggie, or to presume that they are headed for major problems in the future
Well he's 42, single with no dc but wants them so I'd say it's already caused problems to date not just potentially down the line
Wiredforsound · 13/03/2022 07:26

I’d put money on him minimising the frequency of his usage. Guarantee it’s at least twice that. At least.

Balanced12 · 13/03/2022 07:32

Definitely No, you don't start a family with a known drug user

userxx · 13/03/2022 07:37

@blockbustervideo

I don't know... MN is full of pearl clutchers. A large majority of 40-somethings I know do cocaine recreationally (central london).

My option of taking cocaine has changed massively after someone I know has ended up with an addict. I can't describe how horrible things are for her and how hideous his addiction is, he'll snort that much shit he ends up in a psychosis.

drawingpad · 13/03/2022 07:44

@blockbustervideo

I don't know... MN is full of pearl clutchers. A large majority of 40-somethings I know do cocaine recreationally (central london).

Yeah, because being anti drugs is 'petal clutching' Confused

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/03/2022 07:46

For the amount he states it wouldnt be a deal breaker personally
If that’s all he does , every so often
🤷‍♀️

VitalsStable · 13/03/2022 07:49

Any sort of drug has a whole world of crime and pain behind it. Prostitution, gun running, murder, kids affected by county lines, people with mental health problems whose houses are taken over to sell drugs from, the kids who have lost parents to them, parents who have lost kids, robbery not just here the trail of destruction runs from where the drug is produced to those that think it's just a line at the weekend. There's also a moral problem not just that he's an utter bell end who thinks it'a a bit of fun.

iPaddy · 13/03/2022 07:50

Absolute dealbreaker for me. Whatever about the ethics, health issues etc. cokeheads are just so fucking boring!

Lanareyrey · 13/03/2022 07:56

@blockbustervideo

I don't know... MN is full of pearl clutchers. A large majority of 40-somethings I know do cocaine recreationally (central london).
Wouldn’t say being anti drugs is “pearl clutching” and being a 40 something cocaine user is not something to aspire to and is pretty sad!
JiannaTheWitchQueen · 13/03/2022 07:58

I wouldn't mind the ecstasy twice a year.

I would mind the coke. I have friends in CA and I have friends that use it once a year as a treat and friends that never use it. Whenever the sun comes out and he's having a beer and someone mentions getting some he won't be able to say no.

Glowtastic · 13/03/2022 08:11

The ecstacy wouldn't bother me, especially if there's a conrext attached to it, e.g festival or something.

However the coke would, it's habit forming and v expensive and tends to take priority for people. I have a couple of friends who I don't see much anymore due to their coke habits. They don't like going out (as it's risky taking it whilst out) and their behaviour is extremely flaky and erratic. They also never have any money, they both have a fair bit of disposable income so this doesn't make sense. I'm sure they're spending about £200 a week on it. I expect he does it every weekend and is minimising.

BlindGirlMcSqueaky · 13/03/2022 08:14

£800 a month on cocaine? Really???

Original poster
jolliejullie · 13/03/2022 08:24

Hi all, thanks a lot for your comments. As many of you have said, I don't think dating someone who uses drugs is for me. I don't want to invest my emotions, energy and time into someone who displays such a big res flag so early on.

So it is a no for me, sadly. I will stop seeing him.

Back to dating square 1Confused

OP posts:
LetHimHaveIt · 13/03/2022 08:28

The ecstasy would bother me more than the coke (which isn't to say I'd be thrilled about the coke): a man in his late 40s still doing molly, is a man who can't get over the closure of the Haçienda. Pitiful.

LetHimHaveIt · 13/03/2022 08:30

For some reason I thought he was 49. Not that that makes a difference, really.

sloeslowgin · 13/03/2022 08:30

@VitalsStable

Any sort of drug has a whole world of crime and pain behind it. Prostitution, gun running, murder, kids affected by county lines, people with mental health problems whose houses are taken over to sell drugs from, the kids who have lost parents to them, parents who have lost kids, robbery not just here the trail of destruction runs from where the drug is produced to those that think it's just a line at the weekend. There's also a moral problem not just that he's an utter bell end who thinks it'a a bit of fun.
Yes, that's absolutely true for cocaine/crack, and also heroin - and a good reason not to do them.

But it's not true for all drugs. Different drugs have different histories, supply routes and risk levels. Speaking about all drugs as if they are cocaine or heroin makes you sound ill informed.

Angelblu28 · 13/03/2022 08:34

Drugs are a big no no for me! Saying that, I find myself with a husband with a weed problem after lying to me continously for 5 years!!

Frazzled2207 · 13/03/2022 08:36

No way for me.

If they previously did it then grew up I think I could live with that.

RavenclawsRoar · 13/03/2022 08:39

I wouldn't continue it. I've never taken drugs and no one I know (in my 30s) takes them now, even the ones who took stuff regularly at uni.